The Cash Cow Piglet
Sunlight poured into the second-floor master bedroom, where the heat from yesterday still lingered.
"Huu..."
**Ban** sat perched on the edge of the bed, blowing out a refreshing cloud of cigarette smoke.
This bastard really does have ridiculous stamina.
Even after going at it like animals all night, his skin was practically glistening with oil.
In contrast, sprawled across the utterly ruined mattress behind him was one pathetic, wrecked corpse.
"Ugh... haa..."
It was **Eve**.
Her hair a complete mess, she called out to **Ban**’s broad back in a trembling voice, apparently too exhausted to even lift a finger.
"M-Master... I... I really can’t get up at all~..."
At some point, her way of addressing him had become “Master.”
"Huh? Wait, why the hell is your stamina so trash? You’ve literally become one with the bed?"
Her eyes had been rolling back last night, but now that the sun was up, they’d returned to their usual hazy, half-dead look that screamed *everything is a hassle*.
**Ban** stubbed out his cigarette and let out a deep sigh.
"Ugh... what a pain in the ass."
Even as he grumbled, he picked up the hoodie that had been lying on the floor and loosely pulled it over **Eve**’s head.
Then he helped the wobbly-legged woman—who could barely stand—down to the first floor.
"Haa... I seriously thought I was gonna die."
"Seriously... ha...."
In the first-floor living room, **Yui** and **Haze** were sprawled across the dining table like a pair of **Walkers**.
The moment **Ban** came down the stairs without even properly wearing a top, exposing his toned upper body, **Yui**’s pale cheeks flushed bright red.
She quickly looked away and cursed.
"You crazy horny beasts! Grenades are exploding outside, heads are flying off, the whole world’s going to shit, and you two still wanted to fuck in the middle of that?! What is this, the fucking Serengeti?!"
**Yui** slammed her fist on the table.
"I finally thought I could get some sleep once the gunfire stopped, but then the damn bed started creaking nonstop... I almost stuffed a sock in my ears instead of earplugs!!"
"Ah, sorry sorry. I saw a bit of blood last night and my circulation got going, so I got a little worked up without realizing. Plus this girl moans way harder than she looks. Anyway, let’s eat."
**Ban** brushed off **Yui**’s complaints and headed for the kitchen.
"I gave you sniper support and this is the thanks I get? Live porn? I’m actually speechless."
**Haze** clicked her tongue with a thoroughly fed-up expression.
Even so, she kept stealing glances at the defined muscles on **Ban**’s back and the deep red marks on **Eve**’s neck, her own face faintly flushing.
Whatever.
**Ban** took out a frying pan, roughly diced some Spam, dumped in a can of baked beans, and started stir-frying everything over high heat.
*Sizzle—!*
The oil splattered as a salty, savory aroma filled the living room.
His cooking skills weren’t anything special, but at least the smell was that of actual edible food—unlike the hand-handicapped freaks who turned meals into weapons. Especially **Eve**.
"Munch munch... Food that Master made himself! I’m so incredibly happy~! Hehe."
**Eve** flapped the sleeves of her hoodie as she stuffed her cheeks full of ham.
From the constant “Master” this and “Master” that, **Ban** paused with a fork in his mouth and narrowed his eyes.
"Hey. Last night was whatever because of the mood, but calling me Master in broad daylight is... making me wanna puke. Can’t you just go back to normal?"
**Ban** looked genuinely uncomfortable with the cringey title in everyday life.
But **Eve** gripped her fork tightly and shook her head.
"No! I’m not the same **Eve** from yesterday anymore! I’ve been completely saved in both body and soul—I’m Master’s cute little puppy now! I’m going to keep calling you Master even outside!"
"Ah, fuck it. Do whatever you want. Call me whatever the hell you like."
**Ban** picked at his ear as he leaned back in his chair.
**Yui**, who had been watching the whole thing, finally gagged and set down her fork.
"Uwek...! I’m actually gonna throw up. ‘Master’ my ass, how cheap. Ew... I seriously hate it. Why do you live like that?"
**Yui** rubbed her arms like she had goosebumps.
**Eve**, however, gave her a look full of a victor’s leisure and swept her gaze over **Yui**’s comparatively lacking chest before snorting.
"Hmph. What would a brat like you know? You were eavesdropping last night and almost died of jealousy inside."
"W-What, you damn cow?! Jealous?! Of that brainless idiot?!"
"Heee~? Your eyes when you look at our Master aren’t exactly normal either, you know?"
"Shut the fuck up. And brat? My chest is plenty big, okay?! You insane milk truck!! Yours is just ridiculously huge!!"
Another childish shouting match broke out in the middle of the dining table.
"You two. Stop it. Who talks this much while eating? Seriously!"
As expected, **Haze** played the mature mediator. Though even she looked pretty annoyed.
**Ban** leisurely exhaled cigarette smoke, using the women’s commotion as background music.
In the middle of this ruined world, chewing on salty ham and lazily rolling around—this morning scene was pretty much perfect.
One week. That was exactly how long it lasted.
Hiding in the house, living the warm-and-fed life, was finally starting to run out of steam.
"No, seriously! We’re not a bunch of damn NEETs! Shouldn’t we start working?!"
One week later. **Yui**, hanging upside down on the living room sofa, kicked her legs in the air and shouted.
The first few days had been nice—hot water, a safe house, everyone relaxing and lounging around.
But the food and cigarettes stockpiled in the shelter were starting to run dangerously low.
"Hey, we’re supposed to be a solution group. If we just sit here, requests should come in on their own. Why are you yelling at me?"
**Ban**, lying on the floor and scratching his stomach, answered indifferently.
**Eve**, who was using his thigh as a pillow while peeling a can of mandarin oranges, nodded in agreement.
"That’s right. We’re the great **Super Lucky Solution Group**—why isn’t anyone giving us requests?"
"Because the name is fucking trash!! If I were them, I wouldn’t hire a third-rate thug group with a name like that either!"
**Yui** was fuming as usual.
**Haze**, who had been quietly watching out the window, turned her head slightly and chimed in.
"**Yui** is right. At least post a job-seeking notice on the public network bulletin board. At this rate we’re all going to starve to death."
“Ah… ugh! My hands won’t move! Ugh! Is this paralysis? Am I dying now?”
As expected, he answered with nonsense because he was too lazy.
"Ah, stop bullshitting!!! Fine!!! I get it! I’m seriously the only one who does any work in this team!"
**Yui** started fiddling with her terminal in irritation.
The public network that anyone on the continent could access via satellite, managed by **Intelli**.
As she scrolled through the anonymous mercenary request board, **Yui**’s eyes suddenly sparkled.
"Huh? Hey! Wait a second!"
"Why? Another **Walker** swarm coming?"
"No! Someone posted an anonymous request saying ‘Can someone please do this for me~~’! The pay’s pretty good too?!"
**Yui** excitedly kicked **Ban**’s leg as he rolled around on the living room floor.
"I just sent them a message. I told them the **Super Lucky Solution Group** would handle it. I got us a job!"
At **Yui**’s confident declaration, **Ban** yawned and asked.
"Huuuaaaahm~ Okay. So what’s the first mission for this great **Super Lucky Solution Group**? Do they want us to take out the boss of some armed faction or something?"
"Uh… not quite. It’s from a medium-sized survivor camp. The mutant boar they’d been raising like a treasure for food broke its leash and ran away. They want it captured alive no matter what. The reward is 100 coins."
At those words, a glint flashed across **Ban**’s previously hazy eyes.
"100 coins is two cartons of standard cigarettes! What the hell are you all doing? Let’s move out!!"
A short while later.
The Humvee carrying the **Super Lucky Solution Group** stopped in the abandoned factory district on the outskirts of the northern gray zone.
It was a mess of collapsed concrete debris and rusted steel frames tangled together.
In that dogshit atmosphere where **Walkers** could pop out at any moment, the mutant boar capture operation officially began.
"Wait a sec. I’ll hack the satellite and sensor networks and run thermal imaging. Pretty cool, right? For a genius like me, this is a five-minute cut."
**Yui** fiddled with her terminal, her purple eyes shining.
She was wasting her insane talent just to find one runaway pig.
"Sis! That mutant species has abnormally developed thigh muscles that can deflect most bullets! I know because I dissected something similar! You have to precisely sever the right Achilles tendon where the weight concentrates!"
**Eve**, completely unarmed, proudly spouted unnecessary knowledge with a serious expression.
The hacker would breach the sensor network, the doctor would analyze the weak point, and the sniper would capture it with a shot.
Watching these over-specced lunatics seriously planning tactics to catch a single pig, **Ban** scratched the back of his head in disbelief.
"Damn. You guys are just doing it all on your own? Impressive! You all handle it. I’m gonna take a quick look around."
**Ban** trudged off toward a secluded alley.
"That guy is seriously zero help!"
**Yui** growled at **Ban** before focusing back on her terminal.
"Found it! Inside the abandoned warehouse at three o’clock. Its size looks like three **Walkers** combined. It’s slowly moving north right now."
"Confirmed. Wind direction and humidity are good. I’ll snipe the Achilles tendon from long range, just like **Eve** said."
Only then did **Haze** climb onto the collapsed debris, peer through her sniper rifle’s scope, and begin searching for the target.
At that exact moment, **Ban**, who had entered the alley first, took out a cigarette pack from his pocket—only to drop it on the ground.
“Goddammit.”
He cursed and bent down to pick it up when he noticed something in the corner next to a drum barrel.
Huh? Holy shit, jackpot.
Greenhouse-brand premium cigarettes. A luxury item worth a whopping 20 coins per pack.
"Wow, fuck!! This is it!! This is me!!"
It was a completely unopened new pack. His luck really was insane.
Excited, he tore open the pack, put one of the crazy luxury cigarettes in his mouth, and lit it.
"Huu… fucking delicious."
The thick, savory smoke mixed with the unique herbal aroma of the premium brand drifted long toward the abandoned warehouse.
Oink. Oink—!
???
The massive shadow inside the warehouse that had been heading north suddenly stopped, then abruptly changed direction and appeared at the entrance of the alley where **Ban** was.
It was a mutant boar twice the size of a wild boar, with hideous tusks protruding.
"Uh…?"
**Ban** stared blankly at the enormous beast with the cigarette still in his mouth.
But instead of charging at him ferociously, the ridiculously huge piglet began frantically sniffing and inhaling the cigarette smoke **Ban** was exhaling.
Then its eyes suddenly went hazy. Looking pleased, it wagged its tail and rubbed its massive head against **Ban**’s leg, acting cute.
What the hell? Does this pig smoke? Whatever, not my problem.
"What are you doing? You stink, get off."
Oink!
"This shit’s expensive, you know? I’m not giving you any."
**Ban** dodged the pig’s affectionate assault and picked up a thick electrical wire that was lying on the ground.
He then casually looped it around the thoroughly intoxicated pig’s thick neck. There was zero resistance.
Meanwhile, in front of the abandoned factory, **Yui**—who had been staring at her terminal while briefing the target’s movement path—suddenly shouted.
"Wait, why is a person showing up too?! What the hell, isn’t that **Ban**?"
"I can’t see him from my position yet. The building is completely blocking him."
**Haze** answered calmly without taking her eye off the scope.
"T-That’s the alley where Master went to smoke earlier! What if the pig attacked him?!"
While the three women were panicking and grabbing their weapons at **Eve**’s outburst—
A figure came trudging from far away.
In one hand he held a cigarette, in the other a thick electrical wire.
And at the end of that wire, the vicious mutant boar the three women had been desperately searching for was obediently wagging its tail and following along like a well-behaved puppy.
"Stylish problem-solver **Ban** has arrived! Caught it. Let’s go get paid."
**Ban** exhaled smoke and spoke indifferently. **Yui** and **Haze**, who had been making such a fuss, couldn’t say a word as they watched the pig being dragged along so docilely.
Meanwhile, **Eve**, who had been closely examining the now-tame boar’s condition, suddenly lost it.
"Oh my, this one… its eyes are completely drugged? Did you deliberately stand there to feed it the smoke? You knew the cigarette ingredients act like a fatal drug to it and even used the wind direction?! Wow, you’re so sexy, Master!!! How did you know? Did you study biology too??"
At the medical professor’s astonished cry—
The dazed **Yui** and **Haze** simultaneously turned their gazes to **Ban**.
"Y-You crazy… You knew from the beginning and were just watching us freak out?!"
"There was a method of live capture that was more certain and quieter than an 800-meter sniper shot. …I admit complete defeat."
**Yui**’s face turned bright red, and **Haze** quietly lowered her head in acknowledgment of defeat.
Huh? What the hell are they saying? I just found a cozy spot and smoked a cigarette I picked up?
**Ban** swallowed his bewilderment internally, but there was no need to explain himself in detail.
He just picked his nose and grinned.
"Ta… tada!"
"Kyaaaah! As expected of our Master! King of beasts! The continent’s greatest intellect!"
**Eve** bounced her watermelon-sized breasts as she clung tightly to **Ban**’s arm.
"Seriously… what the hell? Are you trying to butter us up just to make us look stupid? This is annoying. Unbelievable."
**Yui** shoved her terminal into her pocket with a hollow expression.
The **Super Lucky Solution Group**’s monumental first request was perfectly cleared without firing a single bullet—thanks to a few scavenged cigarettes and a ridiculous misunderstanding.