Your Majesty, This Dish Is Legal Doping
The incubus brushed back his wig and shot me a shameless wink.
“Hey there, Black Mage bro. What’s with the shocked face? You’re busting your ass serving the Demon King too, right? We’re all in the same ‘subordinate’ boat here. Am I wrong?”
He held up the luxury bag he was carrying.
“Look at this. All top-shelf stuff. Granny thinks she’s buying them for her granddaughter, but since I’m the one using them, I picked out only men’s designs. Her eyes are so bad she can’t even tell the difference in styles anyway.”
What a calculating bastard.
The incubus sauntered back over to the old lady. This time he wasn’t using feminine charm—he was radiating raw masculine allure.
“Master.”
He wrapped an arm around her shoulders and gazed at her with smoldering eyes.
“There’s something I really want this time. Not a bag—a wallet. One made from alligator leather.”
“You disgusting little shit! Get off me!”
“It’s not just any alligator. It has to be the hide of a ‘Steeljaw Crocodile’ that lives in the misty swamp dungeon. That’s the true romance of a man.”
The incubus blew gently into the old lady’s ear.
“If you make it for me… I’ll go into full ‘granddaughter mode’ tonight and read you bedtime stories until dawn. Sound good?”
“Ahem! Ahem!”
The old lady’s face flushed bright red. She was clearly enjoying this more than she let on.
“Fine, fine! You damn brat. I’ll do it, okay? I’ll make it!”
The old lady surrendered. Then she looked at me with a desperate plea for rescue.
“Newbie! You’re free today, right? Come hunting with Granny!”
“Huh? Why me? I feel like my eyes are rotting—I should probably call in sick.”
“It’s not for free! I’ll pay you handsomely!”
She grabbed my hand.
“You’ve been desperate to boost your restaurant sales lately, haven’t you? Help me out this time and I’ll drag all my ‘senior center friends’ over for a massive group dinner. My treat.”
“Senior center friends?”
“That’s right. One of them is the king of this country, another is the Magic Tower Master, and there’s even a top merchant guild leader. Once they show up, your place will become famous overnight.”
The king? The Magic Tower Master? The lineup was insane. This wasn’t a dinner—it was practically a national event.
I glanced at Lucy. She was glaring at the incubus with pure disgust, but her ears perked up at the word “king.”
Lucy’s telepathy rang in my head.
In the end, I nodded to the Demon King’s capitalist command.
“Understood. But you’re also covering my eye treatment fees.”
***
The place we arrived at was a B-rank dungeon called the Misty Swamp. The air reeked of damp moss and stagnant water.
“Ugh, the smell. These designer shoes are ruined.”
The incubus had already put his wig back on and returned to cross-dressing at the old lady’s firm insistence. His stride, however, was pure manspreading.
“Shut up. We’re here to get your wallet, remember?”
The old lady gripped her staff tighter. It wasn’t the slender wooden wand mages usually carried. It was a massive oak log carved into what was essentially a club. She looked ready to start doling out “love taps” at any moment.
Once the incubus quieted down, her gaze turned to me.
“Newbie, you stay in the back and just support. Granny needs to stretch her muscles for the first time in ages.”
“Grandma, don’t overdo it. You’ll hurt your back.”
“My back? What do you take me for, kid?”
She shrugged off her robe in one dramatic motion. Underneath was a tight martial artist’s uniform. The muscles on her exposed forearms bulged powerfully.
“This old lady… actually finds fists more comfortable than magic. You know the saying, right? The law is far away, but a fist is always close. Yeah?”
Right then, the swamp water bubbled violently as a massive shadow rose from the depths. A ten-meter-long monster covered in steel scales—the Steeljaw Crocodile.
“Graaaaaah—!”
The crocodile charged with its enormous jaws wide open.
“That’s it! My wallet! Yahoo~!”
The incubus cheered.
“Out of the way!”
The old lady kicked off the ground and leaped. No incantations. No casting time. None of that nonsense.
“Enhancement Magic! Muscle Boost! Acceleration Magic! Haste!”
Her body erupted in red aura as she shot forward like a cannonball.
“You damn lizard! How dare you open your mouth in front of Granny? Staff (Physical) Smash!”
BOOM—!!
A deafening crash rang out as the crocodile’s head slammed into the swamp. Its steel scales crumpled, and the beast rolled its eyes back before passing out.
“......”
I couldn’t close my mouth. This was a mage? She was basically a barbarian.
Lucy clicked her tongue from my shoulder.
“Die! Die already!”
Ignoring us completely, the old lady climbed onto the unconscious crocodile and began clubbing it relentlessly.
“This hide is expensive! I have to hit only the belly so it doesn’t get damaged!”
The incubus, watching from the side, fidgeted anxiously, terrified his precious crocodile leather would be ruined.
Thud! Thud! Wham!
The crocodile never got a single counterattack in before it was turned into… wallet material.
I quietly asked the incubus,
“Um… Is Grandma always like this?”
“Yeah. She once hunted a dragon the same way. That’s why I can’t talk back to her.”
The incubus popped a candy—no, a cigarette-shaped candy—into his mouth and sighed.
“You watch yourself too, bro. If Granny marks you, you won’t even have bones left to collect. Better start buttering her up with some aegyo.”
The hunt ended in just ten minutes. The old lady hadn’t even broken a sweat as she perfectly skinned the crocodile.
“There we go! This’ll make the perfect wallet.”
She smiled, satisfied.
“Good work, Newbie.”
“I didn’t really do anything…”
“Just coming along was enough. An old lady gets lonely hunting by herself.”
She patted my back.
“As promised, I’ll bring my friends. Clear out your restaurant this weekend. I’m renting the whole place.”
***
That weekend evening, just as the old lady with the high-ranking username “StaffCarver” had said, a line of extravagant carriages pulled up in front of the Demon King’s Table. Carriages bearing the imperial crest, others adorned with the Magic Tower’s symbol, and even one flying the flag of the continent’s largest merchant guild. Tension hung thick inside the restaurant.
“Welcome, everyone.”
I steadied my nerves and opened the door.
The first to enter was the staff-wielding grandma. Today she wore a neat suit—though her muscles looked ready to burst the seams.
“Come in, come in! This is the amazing restaurant I told you about!”
Behind her came a white-haired old gentleman leaning on a cane. His eyes, however, carried the unmistakable dignity of a king. It was the current monarch of the Leo Kingdom, Leopold the Third.
“Hehe… So this is the place that serves the ‘rejuvenating dishes’ you mentioned?”
Next to him stood the Magic Tower Master—the very mentor of the 7th Circle Archmage who called himself “GeniusNewbie.” Following them came the merchant guild leader and other heavyweights straight out of an isekai textbook.
“Daon.”
Kastab emerged from the kitchen. Even as a ghost, he was turning transparent from nerves.
“Those people… Even when I was alive, they were difficult to serve. And now His Majesty the King himself…”
“We can do this, Chef. We have a secret weapon, remember?”
I gripped the skill book tightly.
Today’s theme was “filial piety.” Magical dishes that would restore the old folks’ lost appetites and vitality.
“Welcome! Thank you for visiting the Demon King’s Table!”
I greeted the king with my brightest smile.
Lucy watched them from the counter and yawned.
The king took his seat and looked at me.
“Young man. My sense of taste isn’t what it used to be. Everything I eat feels like sand. Think you can satisfy me?”
“Yes, of course, Your Majesty.”
I answered confidently.
“I will let you experience once again the hottest, most passionate moment of your youth.”
I dashed into the kitchen. Today’s menu: Vitality Eel Rice Bowl and Rejuvenating Samgyetang. Along with a very special seasoning.
Cursed Touch
Effect: Passion of Youth
If this succeeded, my restaurant would become an officially recognized imperial royal restaurant. If it failed?
Well… I’d just have to cross-dress with the incubus bro and run away.
“Let’s go, Kastab! Fire up the stove!”
The dungeon restaurant’s night burned brightly.
***
**Title:** [LIVE] His Majesty the King Has Started Eating. My Hands Are Shaking So Bad I Almost Dropped the Plate.
**Posted by:** GeniusNewbie
The lineup is still breathtaking no matter how many times I look at it. The King (Leopold III), the Magic Tower Master (first human to reach 8th Circle), the top merchant guild leader (richest man in the empire), and our very own Staff Grandma. When StaffCarver casually said, “Hey, Leopold. Did you lose all your teeth in your old age? Why are you eating like a bird?” my heart nearly stopped. Just who the hell is this person? Is there really someone in the empire who can speak to the king like that?
The air inside the restaurant was heavy. Beneath the glittering chandelier sat the empire’s most powerful figures. Yet the atmosphere felt less like a festival and more like a funeral.
It was all because of King Leopold III’s incredibly dark expression.
Wait… wasn’t this completely screwed?