The Mage's Trash Game
“We really, really have to go hunting today.”
My desperate plea fell on four completely glazed-over faces. Was this what they meant by reading scriptures to a cow’s ear?
“We seriously don’t have a single coin left~”
“Oppa, I get it, I get it. We need money for the hair dye, so let’s go hunting.”
“Yeah. We’ve spent quite a bit lately. Time to earn some again, honey.”
Ah, this must be what they call getting down on your knees only to receive a bow in return.
“I’ll run over to the Adventurer’s Guild and grab a quest real quick.”
“Okay. Make sure it’s one that pays a lot~”
I shook off Junsik, who was trying to follow me, and hurried to the guild. The usual three-in-one office lady vibe from the receptionist gave me a brief moment of healing as a bonus.
Party Quest: Defeat the boss of the Crystal Cave, the Crystal Golem.
📍 Location: Crystal Cave
🎁 Reward: High Gold Payout
I picked the one that gave the most money out of all the available quests. Was it because it was a crystal cave? After returning to the party, we decided it was time to set out.
“The distance is a bit awkward… but since we’re broke, let’s just walk.”
“Aww whyyy~ Let’s ride horses~”
“No way. We’re going to earn money, so we can’t spend any.”
“Come on, oppa. You have to invest to make money.”
“That’s right, honey. If we walk our legs will hurt and we might not be able to fight properly.”
Legs hurt so you can’t fight…? Sigh… I’ll let myself be fooled this time.
“Okay. Let’s rent some horses.”
“Yesss~”
“Our honey is so cool~”
The man who gets called cool just for renting horses. That man is me.
While the couples rode together, I slipped my hand under Jiyeong’s crop top and gently caressed her soft breasts. Her outfit really is perfect. There’s a direct path to her chest built into the clothes, so I can fondle them comfortably. Stimulating both nipples at the same time with both hands—there’s nothing more enjoyable than that.
“Ah…! Ngh!.. Aww… Honey, please stop touching me…!”
“Hehe. It feels too good.”
“Awwng!.. Ngh!.. Seriouslyyy… Haah..!”
There used to be a rumor among women that when a man seemed pissed off, just let him grope your breasts and he’d calm down. It’s true. Just touching breasts melts away all anger and relieves stress completely. The indescribable emotion this soft, squishy texture brings is beyond words.
I healed my soul by fondling her breasts like that, and soon we arrived at our destination.
Party Notification: You have entered the Crystal Cave.
Party Quest: Defeat the boss of the Crystal Cave, the Crystal Golem.
“Wow… It’s so beautiful.”
Jiyeong’s pretty eyes widened into perfect circles as she looked around.
The Crystal Cave was literally a cave filled with crystals. If we mined all of these, how much money would that be? Transparent crystals in their raw form sparkled brilliantly, covering every inch of the walls. Light reflected off one crystal bounced to another, scattering in every direction and making it feel like we had stepped inside pure light itself.
Yena smiled with genuine delight and said,
“Wow, it really feels like we’re in a fantasy world.”
“Huh? We’ve been inside a fantasy world this whole time.”
“Hmm… That’s true, but this place feels like real fantasy.”
“Okay. Real fantasy. Got it.”
“You have no idea what I’m talking about, do you, oppa?”
“I do, I do. Real fantasy. For real fantasy.”
“Ugh.”
Feeling the atmosphere created by the beautiful crystals, we slowly made our way deeper inside. That’s when the monsters appeared.
Crystal Rabbit. Crystal Wolf.
They were formed from clusters of crystal ore shaped like rabbits and wolves. I had no idea how they were even moving. Were they held together by magic?
Junsik looked at the monsters and said,
“How are rabbits and wolves together? Aren’t rabbits supposed to be wolf food?”
“Right? Maybe they’re too hard because they’re made of crystal?”
“You guys are taking the game way too seriously. It’s a game—why does there need to be a reason? It just is what it is.”
Whoa… To hear something like that from Yena. Had she secretly grinded a thousand hours or something? It made all of us who had been overanalyzing everything feel like idiots. Wait, were we actually idiots?
“Go on, Junsikmon.”
“Why the hell are you calling me Junsikmon?”
“Junsikmon. Aren’t you taking the game a little too seriously?”
“This bastard…”
“Ahahaha! Well said, Beer Parrot!”
Wait, Yena? If you’re going to compliment someone, do it properly! Treating me and Junsik the same way? That’s not right.
“Don’t lump me together with the likes of Junsikmon!”
“There he goes again.”
“Junsikmon, just hurry up and get your ass beaten already!”
“Ugh, seriously.”
Yena burst into giggles and said,
“Hey, Beer Parrot. If you don’t want to be treated the same as Junsikmon, you’d better behave yourself.”
“Of course, of course. How could I do otherwise?”
At the sight of the three of us, Jiyeong finally lost it and exploded with laughter.
“Pfft—ahahahaha! Why are all three of you so funny?”
“But seriously, why am I Junsikmon?”
I ignored Junsikmon’s grumbling and fired an arrow at the Crystal Rabbit.
Clang!
Clang? One, two, clang? Suddenly I felt like doing the gorilla dance. What the hell was that sound?
The arrow made a metallic clang and dealt almost no damage. Looking closely, it had only scratched it by a rabbit’s eyelash worth. In numbers, that was maybe… not a thousand, not even a hundred—just around one?
The enraged Crystal Rabbit charged at Junsik’s shield with a body slam. Junsik braced his lower body with all his strength and barely managed to block it.
“They’re made of crystal, so even though they’re small they’re insanely heavy. The impact is huge, so everyone be careful.”
I fired another arrow.
Clang! Clang!
Every arrow I shot just made noise with barely any effect. That’s when the Ice Spear Yena threw pierced straight through the rabbit.
Crash!
“Whoa, the Crystal Rabbit shattered and disappeared. So cool~”
With Jiyeong’s admiration, the Crystal Rabbit scattered light in every direction before vanishing. It really was cool. Like sparkling dust made of light? The light spectrum, light scattering, light shattering and falling. Nice description.
While I was briefly lost in admiration, Yena spoke with a smug expression.
“Hey, Beer Parrot. I told you to behave yourself and you’re already slacking? What are you going to do if you don’t do anything?”
“Haa…”
I had nothing to say. This dungeon was a terrible match for me—way too terrible. This place might as well be called an archer’s graveyard.
Yena teased me with a face full of mischief.
“Is this too much for you? It looks like Beer Parrot is even lower than Junsikmon now.”
“No! Please give me another chance!”
“I’ll be watching~”
Yena grinned, but Junsik, who was in front, turned around and said,
“Hyunsu, you good? Just come up front and tank instead.”
“What are you talking about? I don’t even have a shield.”
“Yeah. That’s why I’m telling you to come out. So I can at least watch you get smashed nicely.”
“Fuck.”
To think I’d get treated like this even by Junsikmon. But honestly, there was no way around it. None of the skills I had could land a proper hit on those crystals. I saw it gave a lot of money and thought the Crystal Cave would be a goldmine, so I took the quest… but maybe I shouldn’t have.
I used Arrow Shower on the Crystal Wolf. Would this work?
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang!
God, it was loud. Junsik screamed in pure frustration.
“Aaaaargh! Make the arrow rain sound stoppp!”
It was just noisy and dealt no damage. Yena, who had been covering her ears, threw a Frozen Orb the moment the Arrow Shower ended.
Crack! Shatter! Crash!
The Crystal Wolf froze solid and then shattered into pieces. Great. I’m not attacking anymore.
“Aigoo~ Boss, nice shot~ You’ve worked so hard~”
I rubbed my hands together and ran over to Yena to give her a shoulder massage. Posture change—always lightning fast. One of Yena’s spells was a thousand times stronger than me attacking a hundred times. What a trash game for mages.
“You must be exhausted carrying all the damage by yourself~ Allow me to relieve you.”
“Ah, that feels nice. Yeah, oppa. Since you don’t have anything to do, you might as well do this.”
“Don’t worry, honey! We’ll carry you on the bus!”
Jiyeong, where did you learn to say you’ll carry someone on the bus when you’ve never even played the game? Anyway, since I was already freeloading, I decided to do it shamelessly. I’m the party leader and treasurer—what are they gonna do about it? No, actually, the party members are working hard for me.
Yep. That’s exactly right.
Besides Crystal Rabbits and Crystal Wolves, all sorts of other crystal animals appeared. Crystal hippos, crystal ostriches, crystal crocodiles… They were fun to look at, and it was fascinating watching animals made entirely of crystal move around. Where else would you see something like this?
But all of them were nothing more than a light snack for Yena’s ice magic.
Crash! Shatter! Crash!
The sight of about ten crystal creatures shattering all at once was impressive, but also incredibly loud. These things just have loudness as their default setting.
When the battle ended, Junsik walked over to Jiyeong and took her hand. He’s completely natural about it now? If someone saw them they’d think the two were dating.
Then Yena took my hand too. Mm, nice. This is how a proper party should be.
I stood there like a scarecrow the whole time and hadn’t used a single point of mana, but I still held hands for mana recovery. It felt good. What man would refuse when a beautiful woman wants to hold hands?
We walked while chatting softly, occasionally interlocking fingers, then holding normally again. I also stole glances at Yena’s breasts that bounced with every step… and when crystal creatures appeared, we fought again.
Of course, I was still freeloading. The bus driver was handling everything comfortably on her own.
It finally felt like I was receiving the respect a party leader deserved.