D-97 I Don't Want to Cry Like a Girl
Haa. I stayed in there way too long.
Is this the afterglow? My breath still keeps coming out hot.
I'd already stood under the shower for dozens of minutes, finally calming my racing heart and the feverish heat in my face.
Yet I keep letting out these hot, shaky breaths. Hoo. Hoo.
Well, of course I would. After being toyed with that much.
It was straight-up molestation. I feel like my pride as a man has been completely trampled.
And then... that sudden move where he buried his face between my legs. Fuck. Why the hell did he do that?
The regret keeps hitting me, so I tried to turn off the shower and get out, but the thoughts wouldn't stop swirling. I ended up standing under the hot water for several more minutes before I finally shut it off.
Normally he'd have something to say about me taking such a long shower, but I don't hear a single complaint.
Since he's the one who messed with me, I guess this is his version of consideration.
──If you hadn't pulled that shitty prank in the first place, you fucking bastard.
The sensation of his cock being shoved between my thighs still lingers.
Ah, I really hate it. The more I think about it, the weirder I feel.
I aimlessly spray the shower around the bathroom one more time. Haa. After all that dripping, dripping precum... I started worrying I'd made a mess.
Seriously, I want to die. Even in that moment I was leaking like some pervert. I'm not even a degenerate yet...
Huu. Only after I calm down do I finally step out and change clothes.
He's probably in the living room, acting like he didn't just molest me and pretending to be interested in something else.
He's seriously impossible to read. It's obvious he's got desire for me, but still.
It's only been two days, so putting on a bra is still awkward, but I manage to get dressed pretty quickly this time.
It's the dolphin shorts again. Haaaa. If I'm not going outside, I guess it doesn't matter.
Sometimes he's kind, sometimes he's cruel. It feels exactly like I'm being trained. And that pisses me off even more.
"Did you come out? I hope there weren't any regrets."
"..."
I can't even talk back. I just look up at him. Normally I'd have hurled every insult in the book—die, you bastard, eat shit—but right now I can't.
The fact that I'd gotten genuinely aroused fills me with shame and humiliation. My lips just tremble, and no words come out.
After all, I didn't exactly resist aggressively either.
What can I even say? It's weird. Because I swear I felt something like... 'just a little more'...
Fuck, I don't know. It's annoying. I whip my head away and cover my flushed cheeks, completely confused.
My heart feels stabbed with complicated emotions—shame, anger, everything mixed together.
Then— I feel a hand gently stroking my head.
Soft. Warm. Not rough at all. Is this supposed to be comfort? Or what?
To me it just looks like more teasing. But... for now, I stay quiet and accept it.
N-not because it feels good. Just... because I don't have the strength to resist.
At first I glared up at him, but gradually my eyes softened. Against my will, I feel a strange sense of comfort.
The shame slowly fades. The heat I'd been trying to hide in my cheeks cools. The tension in my body eases.
I let out a long breath. After standing there letting him stroke my head for several minutes—maybe ten—I finally come back to my senses and pull away.
I need to get a grip. Getting comforted by someone who's basically a rapist... I must have let my guard down for a second.
But honestly... it wasn't that bad.
"...Comforting me now, after all that?"
"You seemed to accept it pretty well, though."
"I just... didn't have the strength to resist. Ha. Just do today's resocialization already."
"Looks like you're getting used to it a little?"
I guess I am. I said the word resocialization so easily.
Normally I'd have complained—can't we skip today? After what you just did?—but I didn't.
It's only been two days and I'm already talking to him first.
──Whatever. If I'm adapting, that's probably a good thing. Sigh.
I let out one long breath and poke his chest repeatedly, throwing a childish tantrum.
Don't ask questions, just hurry up and tell me what today's resocialization is.
It probably won't be as brutal as yesterday. The fact that he dressed me in normal clothes suggests we're taking it easy for once.
Please. Something less intense. Ever since this morning I've had this sick feeling like I've already become a 'female.'
And earlier I even got all happy when he patted my head. I'm pathetic.
"Then shall we clean? Today's resocialization is cleaning."
──Cleaning. Whew. That's actually normal. Way better than going to the convenience store to buy a huge pile of condoms.
I breathe a sigh of relief. Besides, the house really is a disaster. I haven't had time to clean at all, so it's only natural.
He hands me a broom and dustpan that appeared from who-knows-where.
I don't think I've ever cleaned properly before.
It's normal enough, but somehow I get the feeling it won't be easy.
More than that, it's seriously filthy. My room. He seems to think the same—he's scanning the place with a less-than-pleased look.
Trash scattered everywhere, an overflowing trash can, used tissues lying all over the floor.
Yeah... it's dirty. I'm a little embarrassed. Don't look too closely.
"L-look, it's not entirely my fault the house is a mess, okay? Don't look at me like that."
"It looks like it was already like this before I got here."
"I-I was just about to clean it. Fuck."
I make a lame excuse, but he doesn't buy it and immediately shoots me down.
If you're gonna do that, at least play along a little.
More than anything, as we move around cleaning, the obvious stains become visible.
The spot where I did 'morning fellatio,' the place where I did 'fellatio'—even the bed.
Did he sleep here last night? The day I went out I basically passed out the moment I got back, so I didn't have time to care about any of that.
I see his gaze land on those stains.
Ah, d-don't look. Seriously. It feels like someone seeing me piss myself. Or maybe I really did wet myself.
"Don't look. I'll kill you."
"I didn't do anything. Hurry up and clean it."
I see that nasty smirk on his face. I want to kill him── after letting a guy like this comfort me by stroking my head.
Sigh. I really am an idiot. I sweep up the dust with the dustpan and throw away the scattered tissues.
These tissues... they're probably... the ones that prove I used to be a man──
I decide not to mention it.
Did I really live like this? I knew I was pretty lazy, but actually cleaning and seeing the state of the house with my own eyes...
It's... really embarrassing. And the fact that someone's watching me like this.
"Why are there so many tissues?"
"D-don't ask. I don't know either."
"You must cry a lot. Did you watch something sad?"
"Th-that's why I said don't ask! I'll kill you. Seriously. Knock it off. For real."
He keeps teasing me on purpose. I was cleaning pretty diligently, but his constant poking makes me snap. I walk right up to him.
Fuck, stop asking. He clearly knows what they're for. And saying I cry a lot—he's just messing with me.
If you're gonna help, then help. Instead you're just staring at the most embarrassing parts of my life.
I get close despite the height difference, look up at him without flinching, and start lightly punching his chest with my fists.
I don't say anything else, but it's obvious I'm annoyed.
He just watches me quietly for a moment, then suddenly grabs his own chin like before.
Ah, again── again. But I don't back down this time.
This time I won't retreat. I won't let him look down on me anymore. I squirm in his grip.
"But are you really that kind of person?"
"H-hik── Hey, let go. Let go. You always solve everything like this."
"I'm not doing anything scary. You're just so cute, I couldn't help it."
──Bullshit. What nonsense. The word 'cute' makes my face flush instantly. Ah, I really am acting like an easy girl.
I raise my voice to deny the feeling, but then everything I've been holding inside comes pouring out.
"Even if you say that... it doesn't make me happy, okay? I was a man, you know. Do you have any idea how miserable I feel being treated like this?"
"..."
"And what the hell is this punishment? Yeah, I know I did something wrong, but that doesn't mean I deserve to be forced into this shit, does it?
I'm seriously so fucking annoyed... You, all of you, huu. Seriously, everything pisses me off. I'm done with all of it, fuck, hu─ for real."
Ah. It feels like all my emotions are surging up at once.
On top of the shame comes anger, and then... the misery of everything that's been forced on me. Even while feeling pleasure from it.
Why do I have to go through this? The resentment crashes over me.
As a result, tears start to well up in my eyes. They turn red.
I try to speak while holding them back, but it's hard to talk and fight back tears at the same time.
Ha, s-seriously. This is so annoying. Why do I have to go through this? Everything pisses me off. And then—
He suddenly pulls my head firmly into his chest. My face presses against him.
"...I'm sorry."
"N-now you're sorry? Seriously, saying that now after everything── hu, ugh. Haa. Like those empty words are going to... fix anything... you know..."
I can't speak anymore. Even I can tell I've been completely swept away by emotion.
I feel the tears slowly sliding down my cheeks.
Ah, I've always cried easily, but I never thought I'd be shedding tears like this.
It's so miserable and unfair... the fact that I let those things happen to me without resistance... I didn't think I was that bad of a person.
Was what I wrote really that terrible? That I can't even speak, just letting out these resentful breaths and tears?
Even I can feel his hand gently, almost kindly, patting my back.
He pulls my crying face even deeper into his chest.
...That occasional kindness. Maybe he isn't completely cruel after all.
Ah, completely, in today's terms... it feels like I'm being gaslit.
But I have no choice. The only person I can depend on is him.
I have no friends. I don't talk to my family. For someone like me, the only place to release this misery is with the very person who caused it. What a contradiction.
But I can't help it. I really can't.
I bury my head deeper into his chest and let him pat me. Pat, pat.
Annoyingly, even though I know how contradictory this is, my emotions slowly calm down.
Unlike his usual self, there's no harm, no lust in these pats. Just pure comfort.
We stay like that for dozens of minutes. When I finally calm down, I hear his voice.
"I've been a bit harsh these past few days. In that case, how about we do this?"
"...What is it. Hoo, hoo. Just... tell me."
"I can't stop the punishment or the resocialization. I'm not doing this because I enjoy it that much. But I'll listen to your requests to some extent."
"After filling them with your own desires, you have the nerve to say that?"
"I'll reflect that too. My desires were pretty strong, yeah. Anyway, what do you think?"
Requests, huh. It's not like I'm losing anything. I'm only gaining.
It reminds me of that gaslighting thing I've only ever heard about in words. But I don't really have anywhere else to ask for help.
...Ah. Looking at it this way, I really was completely alone.
I feel my heart ache even more, so I tighten my arms around his waist, which I've been hugging for a while now.
He doesn't react. Am I really left with only him right now?
The loneliness and emptiness I sometimes felt even when I was a man—I filled it with trolling online communities.
I knew it was just filling emptiness with more emptiness.
Even my depressed days were spent that way. Haa, these aren't like me at all.
I don't even know what I'm feeling depressed about. I push those thoughts away.
Still not looking up, my face still buried in his chest, I speak quietly.
"...Then. First, at least tell me before you give me a punishment. Don't do it like the first day.
Tell me everything—what it is, when you'll do it. Same for the resocialization or whatever it's called."
"Got it. Next?"
"Second. Since we're going to be living together for quite a while anyway. You were the one throwing tantrums all the time too.
Stop that. At the very least, I won't resist anymore."
"...Alright. I'll do my best."
"Not your best—actually do it. ...Fine. Well, that's about it. I want to tell you to stop teasing me too, but that would probably ruin the mood... Sigh."
Only after my emotions calm down a bit do I manage to say all that.
After the second request, I finally look up and show him my face.
My face is covered in tear stains. It's embarrassing to let him see me like this, but... since it looks like I'll be living with him for a long time anyway...
I guess I just have to face it. The way he looks at me is strangely gentle. Not like him at all.
But right now, I only have him too. If he's going to treat me this kindly...
My heart somehow gives in so easily. I'm such an easy bastard.
Maybe it's because I've barely met any real people. To fall for it this quickly.
"Still, you have to properly receive your punishments and do the resocialization."
"I get it. Yeah. I'll try my best. It's fucking annoying, but what can I do?"
I have no choice but to accept it. ...Ah. Only then does a wave of embarrassment hit me.
Crying in his arms like some idiot. Realizing I just acted like a stupid middle-school girl.
I finally pull away from his chest. What the hell was I doing?
Suddenly feeling miserable, crying, throwing a tantrum... I showed him emotions that were no different from a little girl's.
I was always emotionally sensitive, but becoming a woman made it even worse. Haa. Pathetic. But at the same time, on one side of my heart...
"Then, once again. Please take care of me?"
"It's annoying. ...But, okay."
──For the first time, I felt like things might get a little better from now on.