Uneasy Feelings (3)
The phrase “my heart was about to swell” sounded like something exciting. But for me right now, it carried the same tension as the suspenseful music that plays in a horror movie just before a scary scene unfolds.
“Come to think of it, my bra was really uncomfortable this morning.”
The underwear had grown familiar over time, yet today it felt especially bothersome. I had experienced the familiar sensation of something feeling off while changing into fresh undergarments before work. I had simply assumed it was because my body was swollen, but apparently I was wrong. Even though I had plenty of warning signs, it took me this long to realize. The gap between what I thought I fully understood in lectures and my actual inability to solve problems was proof that knowledge and experience were not the same thing. All the information had pointed straight to menstruation. I should have noticed something was wrong much sooner. As a man, I had gathered information and learned things, but while I was experiencing it myself, I had only worried if something was wrong instead of thinking about it.
“Then the auntie really will start soon. Make sure you’re mentally prepared⋯. Are you at the company right now?”
‘Why does she keep telling me to prepare my heart⋯.’
Yejin’s words sounded like she was trying to scare me on purpose, so I lowered my head. But when she suddenly asked if I was at the company, I nodded and answered. “Yeah. The CEO’s office.”
“Then I’ll head to the secretary’s room later, right?”
“Yeah. Even so, I have to handle some work in the morning.”
Unlike before, I was no longer doing everything alone, so there might be tasks for others to help with or process. As a team leader, not just an ordinary employee, I might have to approve documents or pass on something to Suho. “If you check the desk drawer in the office, there should be menstrual pads there.”
“Uh-huh.”
The word still didn’t feel natural. Yejin, who was casually saying something I would never have dared to say aloud, somehow felt surprisingly adult. “Just take a few out and put them in your bag⋯. Or maybe ask someone else to borrow a few, and later buy some to give out a couple each time⋯⋯. Well⋯.”
“That still sounds a bit⋯.”
It was not shameful to have menstruation as a healthy adult woman. It was only natural, after all. Yet my face hadn’t been thick enough for me to say those words without hesitation. “Right? That’s why I told you it’s in the office.”
I never imagined it would be so natural to walk into a convenience store and buy them. Since I would have to deal with this for a while, I decided to order online instead. ‘Looks like I’ll be spending extra money.’
“Uh-huh.”
“Yeonji. Why are you so down?”
“Because you scared me a lot. Anyway, thanks.”
If even Yejin had already left the country, I might have been left alone at the company bleeding. ‘No, at least I would have been scared.’
I might have told Suho everything right away in panic. Then Suho might have looked at me like I was a child. Even at home it would have been bad enough, but surrounded by people at the company on a weekday, I would have spent the whole day feeling everyone’s eyes on me. I wasn’t supposed to know Suho was a woman. ‘No, if it had happened at home, it would have been worse since it would just be the two of us.’
At my grateful reply, the speaker that had been quiet for so long came back with Yejin’s voice. “If it hasn’t started within a few days, please visit the nearest women’s clinic or hospital. Okay?”
“Yeah. Got it.”
“Even so, while you’re spending the weekend with Suho, I’ll handle most things at the company, so you won’t have much to worry about.”
“It wasn’t a date⋯⋯.”
There had been no sweet moments like that. Definitely not. I had done something with Suho, but it wasn’t with Suho. ‘I did it just to make Suho jealous⋯.’
In the end, there had been no real boyfriend-girlfriend activity. Really. “Why? Weren’t we together at home all day?”
“That’s true, but⋯.”
“Then that’s just cohabiting at the company, right?”
I couldn’t come up with any denial. Anyone who saw it would think it was exactly like cohabiting. “Anyway, have lunch with Uncle later. Your body isn’t feeling well anyway, so don’t push yourself.”
“I’ll try⋯. But I already made the checkup appointment⋯.”
It felt like I was causing trouble for someone I didn’t even know because of me. I hadn’t actually booked the appointment on the normal route, and I was taking someone else’s spot. “Sigh. Actually, if you come today, the doctors will have an even harder time. Receiving a checkup in your current state doesn’t mean anything, so just give up. I’ll tell Uncle.”
Speaking to Suho’s father wasn’t really a big deal. The person who had originally booked the checkup was Uncle, so delaying it through him made sense. “Yejin. But, that⋯. You’re not seriously saying I have to delay because of my period, are you?”
“Uncle needs to know too, so he can properly pass it on to the doctors. Well, since you also care about your dignity, I won’t be blunt.”
“Okay. Thanks.”
I didn’t know why, but deep down my opinion of Yejin rose. Saying “I have my period” felt like a taboo I could never say aloud, unlike something being wrong. That was probably why I had been surprised when she said she would tell Uncle. “But how did you know I was going for a health checkup today? Even if Uncle made the appointment⋯.”
“Suho told me, and I told Uncle.”
I understood that Uncle had booked it because Yejin had heard, but I didn’t know why Suho had told Yejin. “⋯Why?”
“It’s not that easy to suddenly contact me on the weekend and create a slot at the university hospital⋯? And if you want to move, Suho will have to take time off too⋯.”
“I see⋯?”
Right. Even when I was working from home, I only got a health checkup every two years, and it was always a month in advance. I had told Suho I would go, but I had never actually set the date. The fact that I suddenly had a Monday slot was impossible without pulling strings. “Still, the director of Eagle University Hospital likes arranging reservations and changing them, right? It’s annoying, but⋯.”
“Why?”
It had been complicated because I had to squeeze in a rushed schedule. Changing it again would be troublesome, yet I couldn’t figure out why someone who was the director would like that. ‘Was a health checkup really that profitable?’
“It could be a good chance to check the group CEO’s daughter-in-law. And if you cancel the reservation, the slot can be used to help urgent patients and collect fees.”
“Huh?”
“Uncle called me saying he heard you weren’t feeling well and should do a health checkup.”
“⋯⋯. No way⋯.”
The group obviously meant Future Group. The CEO was naturally Suho’s father. “Is there any way I’m the daughter-in-law?”
“Eh? Of course it’s you! After all, publicly you belong to Suho’s hand, right?”
“⋯⋯. Hah.”
“Give up, Auntie. Just go for it.”
“What am I supposed to go for? I’m still not an adult!”
“Hey. What’s the difference? After all, it’s legal in a month.”
The word “adult” and “legal” made it sound like I was secretly hoping for a chance even though I was holding him in my heart. “Is it illegal now? I’m not even showing as Suho’s man yet.”
“Oh? Really?”
“I don’t know. Anyway, I’ll hang up and go to the secretary’s room.”
“Okay. If you feel uncomfortable, take menstrual pads and go to the bathroom right away. Got it?”
“No⋯. I just wanted to put them in my bag beforehand.”
I had avoided dark-colored clothes because it was raining. No one annoyed me more on a rainy day than someone wearing dark clothes while driving. But today I should have worn black instead of white. If blood unexpectedly started flowing, and even as much as Yejin had warned, ‘Worst case.’
“You know how to put them on, right? I showed you last time.”
“Yeah. I remember.”
Unlike a diaper, I knew they were for panties. If Yejin hadn’t told me, I might have tried sticking them to my skin. “Okay. Then I’ll hang up. Good luck, Auntie.”
“Thanks.”
I didn’t know what she meant by “good luck,” but Yejin’s encouragement gave me strength. Because I was afraid of not knowing my own body condition, the pain in my stomach eased a little. My hands were still numb, but I had read that cold hands and feet were a symptom, so I decided to ignore it. The next day after exercising a lot. That should be fine, right?