Steamed or Grilled?
Dragging my magic staff along the ground, I came down the apartment stairs and hadn't gone far in the opposite direction from the convenience store.
"There it is."
The fluffy-looking teddy bear's right arm pointed the way.
"Hahahaha—! Come at me, anyone! Where's the magical girl already!"
Right in the middle of the street, a nuisance of a monster was bellowing at the top of its lungs. It was so wrapped up in itself that it didn't react at all even as I walked up from behind.
What it looked like was a crustacean standing on two legs. Man, that thing looked like it would taste fantastic steamed. Finding a steamer pot big enough for it would be a whole job of its own, though.
"If you keep dawdling, I'll take this city with my fists…!"
"Hey."
"Hahaha! So you've come, Magical Gir—"
My irritation spiked all at once. Because of this half-baked crustacean, the chicken delivery was late. Before it could even finish turning around, I launched into a clean leap and floored it with a single kick.
"Guehk!"
"I'm in a really bad mood right now. Steamed or grilled? Pick one."
"A-an ambush? How cowardly…!"
Still on the ground, the monster tried to push itself up with its front legs—whether those counted as fists or arms was anyone's guess. It looked like a crustacean, but the color was off, so I couldn't pin down the species. Just lump it as a green crab bastard.
Anyway, that crab bastard got its posture back, took one look at my face, and pointed at me while its front legs trembled.
"Y-you…! The infamous Masked Girl!"
The crab bastard calling me the Masked Girl. Had I somehow become a celebrity in the monster world? Well, not my problem either way.
I tapped the magic staff I'd been dragging twice against the pavement and urged it on.
"Whatever… Hurry up and pick, crab bastard. Steamed or grilled?"
"I am not a crab! Have you never even heard of a mantis shrimp?! Feel the power of these fists that no one can withstand with that body of yours!"
Mantis shrimp?
The name rang a faint bell, so I put a finger to my chin and thought for a moment. I was pretty sure I'd eaten something by that name before. Weren't those the ones with club- or sickle-shaped appendages, not fists?
"Hyaaah!"
A spirited battle cry. A dull thud as a fist slammed straight into my head—yet I was still turning over what a mantis shrimp even was. Weren't they just brown? Not sure, but I definitely remembered steaming and eating one.
I grabbed the fist against my head with one hand and shoved it aside. The thing stumbled backward, trembling in fear. Whether it was scared or something else, I couldn't tell; its eyes were solid black, so reading an expression was hopeless.
"M-monster girl…!"
"You done?"
Drawing on old memories, this guy was going on the steamed course. Dealing with an enemy that had already lost its will to fight was way too easy.
"Khaaak—!"
I gave it a light smack with the staff from the front, and it collapsed backward without a scrap of strength. Just one hit, but under its own bulk it looked like getting back up would be a real struggle. I parked myself on that hard-looking chest plate and came face-to-face with that grotesque mug.
Who the hell first thought of eating a creature like this?
"Crustaceans—when you're prepping crustaceans—"
Humming at the thought of going home to tear into some chicken, I pinned both thrashing arms down with my legs.
"G-get off…!"
I gripped the staff, already glowing red-hot, with both hands. Like I said, its expression was impossible to read—all I could see were those black eyeballs moving. From how hard it was thrashing, though, I could tell it was putting up a desperate fight.
"Hey, you know how to prep a crab?"
I twisted the middle of the handle to activate it and launched into a one-sided monologue. The staff, burning a vivid red, cast an ominous crimson light.
What does a flower crab think right before it goes into the steamer, staring at the blade about to pry open its mouth? I was probably going to find out today… from the screams that would echo far and wide.
"First you shove a knife deep into the mouth, then twist it once to kill it…"
"S-stop…"
"But unfortunately, I don't have a knife nice enough to let you go that easy…"
I trailed off with a sarcastic lilt, as if I genuinely felt bad about it. At the same time I said I didn't have a knife like that, I raised the red-hot staff so those black eyes could get a good look.
Its thrashing grew even more violent, but sadly a crab bastard with its belly exposed and arms sealed couldn't do a thing. With a slight smile, I decided to gift it an unforgettable nightmare.
"Make it as painful as you can for me, okay?"
"Y-you torture-obsessed demon girl…!"
"And tell all your monster buddies not to even think about setting foot around here."
Bracing for the criticism, I drove the red-hot staff toward the thing's mouth, which looked like a pair of closed doors on either side.
"N-no! Kh, khaaaargh…"
"That is, if you can even still talk properly once you get back."
The protective cover over its mouth shattered with no resistance. The staff entered that snout amid a plume of white steam and a boiling hiss. It already knew it was too late, but even its desperate instinct to resist was meaningless.
The staff pushed deeper into its mouth, bubbling through the foam. Around the time its frantic thrashing seemed to give up and stop—I felt incredibly refreshed.
"Hwah!"
I pulled the staff free of that snout. The tip of the magic staff was damp but had no blood on it. Come to think of it, I remembered hearing that crustacean blood is transparent. Glad I didn't bring Siyeon along. Whether the blood was clear or red, this scene wasn't something to show kids anyway.
Only after confirming the monster had completely dissipated did I leave the spot. I'd heard some monsters play dead and cause trouble for magical girls in other areas.
On the way home, I suddenly noticed a foul smell coming off me and brought my sleeve to my nose. A sharp, intense fishy stench stabbed at my nostrils.
"Ugh, fucking fishy smell."
"Urgh, please wash up the second we get back."
The teddy brat's voice left no room for argument. I sighed briefly and thought of the chicken that must have gone cold by now.
"Aah, the chicken's probably cold."
Deciding to deal with smelly monsters from a distance next time, I swallowed my regret and headed back to the apartment. Beyond the unpleasant fishy odor on my body, a fragrant, greasy aroma delighted my nose.
Chicken. Chicken, dammit. It was so intense I couldn't believe it was coming from cold leftovers. What the hell was going on?
"Mari, you're back? Whoa! The smell!"
"Don't come near me right now. Start eating without me."
The moment I got in, I kicked off my shoes and headed straight for the bathroom. The fishy smell was so bad that even after scrubbing myself practically into a bubble bath, I still felt uneasy.
The boneless chicken was still giving off hot steam. I'd taken care of the monster quickly, but it should have taken a while for people to start walking around again. It was already here, and something must have happened, so I asked Siyeon.
"The store owner re-fried it and brought it over himself."
"Oh ho."
That was it. Because the delivery had already been delayed once, he'd just given the chicken sent with the rider to that person and fried a whole new one for us. The process had gotten a little twisted, but it meant we got chicken even warmer than the kind that visits a bunch of houses before finally reaching us. Nice. Real nice.
"What kind of monster did you fight?"
"A weird lobster."
I stuffed a mouthful of the crispy chicken that seemed freshly fried and chewed, and my foul mood melted away in an instant. I even found myself thinking maybe I'd gone a little too hard earlier—that kind of relief.
With both hands I grabbed the cola bottle and filled a long cup that came up to my knees when I was sitting. My hands were so small I couldn't pour comfortably with one. If I spilled any on the floor, cleaning it would be a pain, so I filled Siyeon's cup for her too.
I twisted the cola cap shut and gulped the fizzing cola down my throat with loud glug-glug sounds.
"Khaaah—!"
I turned that refreshing coolness straight into a sound and let it out. Siyeon looked at me like I was some weirdo, then daintily held her cup with both hands and sipped as she said,
"You sound like an old man…"
"You'll understand someday."
With only the sounds of eating filling the quiet space, it felt lonely, so I picked up the remote and turned on the TV. Most of the programming was ads, ads, and more ads anyway. I flipped around looking for something watchable on the familiar news or cartoon channels.
In practice, news channels spent about seventy percent of their time on magical-girl broadcast coverage. Well, there weren't many other news stories that happened so regularly, were so easy to chase, and made such good headlines: a monster suddenly appears, and a flashy girl who suddenly appears takes it down.
All the news channels felt like this. Which region had which monster, then which region had which other monster. Which named magical girl cleaned it up, blah blah.
"What a waste of the damn license fee."
"Hm?"
In the end I pressed a remote button and left the news channel.
"Nothing. Let's watch cartoons."
I brushed off Siyeon's curious look at my grumbling and punched in the cartoon channel numbers. Channels 94 to 98. Siyeon seemed to have something specific in mind and held out her palm like she wanted the remote.
"Is Magical Girl Pretty on? Ah, it is!"
"You're a magical girl yourself—why watch a magical girl anime…"
"It's fun!"
Siyeon got emotional for once as she spoke, but I didn't really get it. Watching them fight monsters by swinging rebar from a construction site, I had to wonder if that even worked. I let out a breath of disbelief at a magical-girl anime that had moved past staffs entirely into pure hand-to-hand combat.
Then a thought suddenly struck me…
Could I pull that off too?