Saintess's Personal Guide #1 — What... What the Hell Is That?

I strolled down a quiet country path like a backroad, checking the comments. No idea why these crazies were turning my product review into this shitshow. Already 309,234 recommendations. No wonder it's front and center as a Dungeon Shop hit item... damn it! Why rank by recs instead of sales?!

Sales were still at zero. My carrot post was buried ages ago. Now it was just a forum for hunting down dungeon necessities. So many galleries for minor obsessives in this world...

Of course, comms gear craps out the second you enter the dungeon, and the Dungeon Shop's the only way to chat. But with hundreds of new listings daily, why the hell was my review blowing up like this? Beats me.

Some bullshit reason like that had turned it into an awakener playground... but someday I'd grow something amazing!!! Though I'd given up on that hope long ago, today I still found a quiet spot and generated farmland.

"Pfft... carrots again?"

"Today it's tomatoes!"

"Kkh... hng... khhng!"

Some bitch openly mocking and laughing at me? Whatever, comment section bullshit was nothing...

I hadn't given up on my dream yet. Farming's a pain if you slack even without hope. And generating farmland wasn't hard anyway.

Kaah. How awesome. A measly 1m x 1m space, but this was my sanctuary. My future. A god-given safe zone blocking all pests and attacks. Sure, you couldn't generate it mid-fight, but whatever.

Sticking to farmer duties, I generated farmland and scattered tomato seeds.

Lap the dungeon once and I'd harvest tomatoes. Ten carrots left after listing 99, so time for detox juice today.

Sigh...

"Pfft... pfuhuhu..."

The Saintess still trembling with laughter on my shoulder.

"Huh? That on your shoulder..."

"Eek...!? W-what... hng... someone's... clinging again..."

"Huh? Isn't that a spider?"

Spiiiiiider!!! Where?! Where?! Kyaaack!!!

Just a leaf. Let's go.

"You damn worthless nerd bastard!!!"

Her reactions were fun. Kinda funny how she always fell for it. But next time, call me "Hajin" instead. "Worthless nerd" is too much mouthful. Hajin sounds less offensive, like a cute nickname. I'll suggest it later, when she's in a good mood.

With her now-routine outburst as BGM, we dove into proper dungeon exploration. Today's destination: the Jam Tigers' habitat, Hill of Good and Evil.

Coincidentally, my shop comments were buzzing with Jam Tiger talk today, but it was a beginner hotspot, not too dangerous. Dungeon encyclopedia calls 'em Black Cat Fighters. Bipedal cat-like strikers. Bigger than cats, they live off poisonous snake fruits on the hill, so bites poison you but not fatally. Solitary like tigers, so one-on-one's no big threat for average awakeners...

"What the...? That...!!!"

"Yeah."

"Wh-what the heeeeell!!!"

"Shut up and run!!!"

"T-together!!!"

Dozens of Jam Tigers? First I'd heard of that...

"G-get... off meee!"

"No, if I move you'd be telling me to go die outside?"

True, my farmland was a tiny 1sqm. Blocked all pests and attacks, safe inside. But too cramped for two, especially with her passed out on my shoulder, waking up like...

"P-perv?! You stuck close on purpose... to... cling to my... skin...!"

"Wanna go outside then?"

"Hey! You telling me to die?!"

"Nah~ No awakener's ever died to Jam Tigers, right?"

Maybe today? Or letting the Saintess be first wouldn't suck.

Comments were exploding.

Jam Tiger rebellion? Seeing it myself, I'll admit it, but why rebel today of all days? The pack surrounding us still grinned at us. Some lounged purring on the ground, others...

"Krryangnyang!"

...cutely smiling as they pissed.

Most called bullshit, but defense force replied. My review flooded with crap it shouldn't have, but survival first.

These fuckers debating while people were in danger. But what can ya do? Lies or truth, all shitposts rule here. Guess even my review had its uses. Time to forgive the trolls.

Anyway,

"What're they saying?! And get off meeee!!!"

"Jeez! Then ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠go outside. Hate the monk? Become the priest."

"...Wh-what?"

"Whatever. Defense team's entering now."

"R-really?!"

"Yep."

She flared up again, but that wasn't priority. Weird comments kept popping amid the flood.

Something was off.

"Hm... we fucked?"

"Wh... why? What they saying?"

"Check yourself. Too annoying."

"Eh... eeeh?! You just called me annoyiiiing?!"

"Yeah. Annoying so back off. You said don't cling to me but why so clingy?"

"Eeeeek...!!!"

Maybe I could go off today? We were in deep shit, my farmland keeping us safe. Casualties seemed heavy... if defense wiped, no telling when rescue comes. So I was above the Saintess now...

"You... worthless nerd bastard!"

"Hm... not grasping the situation? Defense all wiped? Call me Hajin now?"

When you're top dog, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠demand what you want.

"H-Hajin? What's that?"

"So dumb... tsk! Too annoying calling me worthless nerd every time? Shorten to Hajin! Can't get it?!"

"Uh...?!"

Did I explain too hard? Why so shocked?

"Pfu... pfuhuh...!!!"

"Guess she gets it now."

"Yeah I get it! But... I gotta say something..."

Why's she squirming like that? Definitely bad intentions. I braced, ready if she said "I'll just call you worthless nerd!" Maybe ask for "Jin" or "Dda" then? But her flushed face spat out:

"I... gotta... peeee... can't hold it anymoreee..."

No, Saintess why tell me that... we ain't pee buddies yet...

"No no! You crazy bitch!!! Why squat on the ground!!! Pants! Pull up your pants!!!"