I Became an Elf, So I'm Totally Fucked [03]

One way or another, the commotion had finally died down.

Only then did Han ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠Areum kick off her heels and stride inside, dragging over the cushion tucked in the corner and settling onto it. I perched lightly on the edge of the bed.

Sitting face to face in my cramped one-room studio, it felt like a job interview. The interviewer: a woman in a sharp business suit. The applicant: an elf in nothing but a baggy t-shirt. A fight I had no hope of winning from the very start.

"Tell me everything. Don't you dare leave out a single detail."

Han Areum rested her chin on her hand as she looked at me.

I straightened up and opened my mouth. There was no need to make it complicated; I only had to tell it exactly as it happened. It wasn't even difficult.

From the story of opening my eyes to find myself an elf, to throwing Mom's carrots out the window in a fit of rage, I laid it all out honestly. I even relayed, without missing a beat, the moment my fingertips went tingly and my mana began to ripple. The further the story went, the more strength gathered in my voice.

Han Areum didn't cut in once. She just narrowed her eyes and nodded along.

So she really is all business when it's time to work. It'd be nice if she acted like this all the time.

"...So I threw it, and it grew. That's everything."

The moment I finished, silence fell.

Han Areum's shoulders began to tremble, little by little. She pressed her lips together and fought desperately to hold it in, but in the end she couldn't—and the laughter burst out of her.

"PUHAHAHAHA! AHAHAHA! What even IS that!"

She tipped backward on the cushion, clutching her belly. Her mouth hung open wide enough to show her snaggletooth, and tears had even gathered at the corners of her eyes. The smack-smack of her palm hammering the floor echoed through the studio. So loud.

"Hey. I am being dead serious right now?"

"Heek, heek... hold on, just—let me breathe... hah."

"Hey, Han Areum. Quit teasing me. Enough already."

"Getting angry with that face isn't scary at all, you know?"

My face flared hot, and my cheeks puffed up all on their own. The anger kept bubbling up. I'd known she'd react like this, but still—wasn't this going too far? This was a matter of life and death for me, thank you very much. Hmph!

"Do you have any idea how terrifying this morning was!"

My protest never stood a chance. Han Areum, who had been staring at my swollen cheeks, abruptly stopped laughing. The look in her eyes changed. Something's off. Stay sharp.

"Oppa. Do that one more time."

"Do what? I'm not doing anything weird."

"Aw, come on, it's easy. Puff up those cheeks!"

"No way. You're just going to make fun of me!"

The instant the words left my mouth, Areum kicked off the cushion and sprang up. Her hands were fast. A-Rank wasn't A-Rank for nothing. Before I could even think about dodging, she had grabbed both my cheeks.

"L-let go of those! I-it hurts!"

"Wow. So squishy. Are you made of rice cake?"

"You brainless, muscle-bound gorilla!"

She pulled them, kneaded them, then stretched them out to either side again. I clutched the hem of my t-shirt and squirmed with all my might, but this body's strength fell hopelessly short of escaping Han Areum's grip.

To think a big brother's dignity could crumble this easily. This is a nightmare. My heart stretched out long and thin right along with my cheek ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠fat under the weight of that despair. Only after a good long while of kneading did Han Areum finally let go.

"Phew. I'm satisfied. I should do this every now and then."

"Aaaaargh. Don't even joke. There will NOT be a second time!"

"Really? I'll give you allowance every time I squish them. How about it?"

"...Once a day or so, and I'll allow it."

My cheeks stung so badly they burned.

I cupped them in both hands, but the heat refused to fade. My nose prickled and the corners of my eyes grew hot. Don't cry. Hold it in. Please!

If I cried in front of my sister, it would be over. This was a matter of a man's pride. No matter what I looked like on the outside, I absolutely had to endure this much. They say the mind follows the body, don't they? My feelings were a tangled mess.

I blinked hard to push back the dampness. Whether she noticed or not, Han Areum laid her palm on top of my head and began to gently stroke it. Something in me eased, and drowsiness crept in.

"Sorry, sorry. I just couldn't help it—you're too cute."

"......The word 'cute' is banned."

"Yes, yes. Got it. Banned. Hehehe."

Han Areum rummaged through the inside pocket of her jacket. Out came a single sheet of paper folded in half—thick, yellow-tinged stock, with the Association's emblem stamped crisp and clear along the edge. It looked expensive.

"Put your hand on here. We need to check."

"What on earth is that? It's not something shady, right?"

"A perfectly ordinary Simple Awakening Appraisal Paper. Hurry up!"

I shot dubious glances back and forth between the paper and my little sister. Getting my ability checked was important, sure, but something about this felt off. My hand kept hesitating halfway out. It's not a trap, is it?

"This isn't going to leave a record with the Management Bureau, is it?"

"It's a one-time-use test, so that won't happen."

"Fine. I'll do it. Whew. Whew."

Letting out a long breath, I laid my palm on the paper.

In an instant, a green glow washed over the studio. When I squinted and turned my head, light flashed from the direction of the bathroom too—the same light I'd just seen.

Was that my imagination? There wasn't even time to check.

As the light faded, letters began to appear one by one on the paper's pure white surface, as if an invisible hand were pressing a pen down firmly with each stroke.

I lifted the paper without a word. My eyes stopped dead on the rank field. The letters there were smeared, as though the ink had bled. No matter how I looked at them, I couldn't read a thing. A data error, maybe?

"What's wrong with this thing? Is it defective?"

"......That's strange. There are almost no cases where an appraisal paper can't read a rank. Come to think of it, the disaster alert this morning said 'unmeasurable,' didn't it?"

I turned my gaze to the window. There it was—the orange carrot embedded in the rooftop across the way. Like it or not, this was no ordinary ability. Great. This is going to be a hassle.

What does "monopolizing the love of all plants" even mean? I had a feeling I'd get dragged into all sorts of nonsense over this sooner or later. Maybe I should stock up on vegetables from a shop nearby—though before anything else, I'd have to deal with that carrot.

Going by the name alone, "Blessing of the World Tree" sounds like something out of a fantasy novel's protagonist. Still, who knew what use it would actually have? The blast when I threw that carrot had been tremendous, sure—but how would it hold up in a real fight? It would've been nice to get flames or lightning. Or at worst something nice and safe, like ice... So, was I supposed to be happy about this, or sad? Today was exhausting from top to bottom.

Through all of it, Han Areum said nothing at all.

She stared at the paper for a long moment, brow furrowed. Then, without moving a muscle, she pulled out her phone and started tapping away at something, fast. So she can focus like that, huh. Is something urgent going on?

It was a completely different creature from the girl who'd been rolling around on the cushion earlier. Tick, tock. Only the wall clock filled the room. The silence got so suffocating that I broke it first.

"Areum? Hey~ Can you hear me?"

Instead of answering, she made a beeline for the bathroom.

Was she looking for something? She threw open this and that, rummaging around in a frenzy. What on earth is she doing? I sat on the bed and waited for my sister to come back out.

A short while later, she returned with something hooked on her index finger.

The clover pin she'd left on the sink.

So that's what had glowed in the bathroom earlier.

"This is yours, Oppa? The mana in it is anything but ordinary."

"It just showed up under my pillow this morning."

"Hmm. How curious. Whoever could it be from?"

Han Areum turned the pin over this way and that, then fastened it into the hair beside my ear. I didn't even get a window to refuse. She stepped back, looked me over, and broke into a thoroughly satisfied smile. I just stood there dumbfounded.

"Now the look is complete."

"Huh? What exactly is complete?"

"It's a matching set with you, silly."

She looked down at me, and the corner of her mouth curled up in a grin. That mischievous face somehow felt ominous. A moment later, she pointed a finger out the window.

"By the way, Oppa. Is your bank account looking healthy?"

"...Huh? Wh-what? Ah! You don't mean... th-that?"

"If you're the culprit, you have to take responsibility. That's just how it works."

"Could we maybe, possibly work something out in installments? Huh?"

At that, Han Areum heaved a deep, deep sigh.

I know. I know, all right. That there's not a snowball's chance. But it wasn't as if I had that kind of money lying around right now, either.

"Rooftop repairs. The burst water tank and the railing. Removing that carrot means calling in a crane. Management Bureau dispatch fees, resident evacuation stipends. Ah, and even a rough estimate including the granny's lettuce boxes puts it at 320 million won."

Confronted with reality, my chest clenched tight.

...320 million won. Even cashing out my savings and draining my security deposit wouldn't come close. I opened my mouth, then closed it again. In the end, my head just sank.

Modernity is a cruel, cruel thing. Downright villainous. What am I supposed to do with these twig-thin little hands! Even working as a hunter is a nonstarter. What am I supposed to do with zero knowledge and zero experience?

"You don't have it, do you?"

"......I don't."

"Exactly."

Han Areum dropped back onto the cushion. She crossed her legs and folded her hands atop her knee, looking for all the world like someone settling in at a negotiation table.

"So here's my proposal. I'll handle every bit of the cleanup. All you have to do, Oppa, is sign the contract I put in front of you. Well? Not bad, right?"

"You? How? Even for you, that's got to be a stretch."

"I register you as a new Awakened under our guild. We file it as your ability going berserk during its first manifestation this morning. It's customary for a guild to take responsibility for first-manifestation accidents. The compensation gets processed through insurance, and I'll write up the report personally."

"Won't I get hauled off to a laboratory if I'm registered with the Management Bureau? I looked it up just in case, and they say cases like mine—where even the body changed—are rare."

"Guild affiliation keeps you safe. The truly dangerous ones are Awakened who aren't registered anywhere. If someone like that vanished, no one would ever know."

A chill ran down my spine—because that was exactly the scene I'd been picturing all morning. So going along with my sister was the safer bet, then.

"Then I don't have to do anything at all?"

"Of course there are conditions. Nothing difficult, though."

"When you put it that way, it only makes me more nervous."

"Trust your one and only little sister, why don't you."

Premonitions like this had never once been wrong. Even so, I couldn't bring myself to refuse. With 320 million won staring me in the face, what choice did I have? In the end, I nodded. At the very least, I wouldn't starve to death.

"......Well, fine. Lay it on me."

"Be our guild's PR ambassador."

"PR ambassador? Why all of a sudden?"

"Areumduri Guild. Two years since founding. We've got the skills, but nobody knows our name, so the requests come in patchy. To grow a guild, you need a face. A face people see once and never forget."

Han Areum's gaze came to rest on my face.

"An elf is guaranteed buzz, no? Lime-green hair, pointed ears. And the star of the Mangwon-dong incident on top of that. What better billboard could you ask for?"

"But if I stand out that much, other problems will—"

"Your real name stays private. It only goes on the Management Bureau's registration paperwork, so nobody will ever know. All you have to do outside is work under your registered name. Perfect, right?"

"Fine. So what's ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠the registered name? Did you decide already?"

Han Areum pointed straight at the hairpin.

"Wouldn't 'Clover' be just right? It suits you."

"...Clover? You didn't just make that up on the spot, did you?"

"Take a look at your own appearance, Oppa. Am I wrong?"

I had no real argument to make.

Clover, huh... It was certainly a name that suited an elf far better than Han Chorok. I liked it, and yet something about it left a bitter taste. Was I really going to end up forgetting even my own name? That thought scared me.

"Then it's decided. From today onward, you're Clover, PR ambassador of Areumduri Guild. Once things settle down around here, we're heading straight to the guild house. There's a mountain of work to do."

"I never actually said yes. You can't just—"

"Oh? 320 million won. You do have to pay it back, don't you?"

"......Understood. I'll do it."

"Ah! Right! I prepared a surprise gift, too!"

As if she'd been waiting for exactly this moment, she headed for the front door.

When she opened it, there was no one there—just a huge shopping bag sitting all alone. My sister scooped it up without missing a beat and carried it back. Clothes?

"Our vice guild master does good work, doesn't she? She says she swept the clothing shops near the market clean. Since she couldn't see your face, I told her to just leave it at the door. Excited yet?"

"How did she know the sizes?"

"I read them off to her by ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠text."

"When on earth did you take measurements?"

"By eye, while I was squishing your cheeks?"

I was speechless. She'd gauged my size while stretching my cheeks out like taffy? Was that a feat a human being was even capable of? While I stood there in a daze, she started pulling out the clothes one by one and laying them across the bed.

"Our PR ambassador can't go around in one baggy t-shirt. First impressions matter, Oppa. Time to start trying things on."

She picked up a dress and closed the distance by a step.

The corners of her mouth were curled up high, snaggletooth on full display. To anyone watching, it was the face of a kid wound up to the brim with excitement. Just look at those fidgeting hands.

No! No! Absolutely not!

"You can manage on your own!"

"Do you know how to tie a ribbon?"

"...Roughly."

"And braid hair?"

"...Also roughly."

"Then what about underwear?"

"Th-that's... not happening."

Areum closed another step. I scrambled backward across the bed until my back hit the wall. There was nowhere left to retreat. It was all over.

The strength drained out of my shoulders.

"...I'll dress myself, thank you very much."

"I'll turn around. Call me when you're done."

"If you peek, you're dead!"

Han Areum pushed the dress into my arms and turned her back.

Hugging the dress to my chest, I stared up at the ceiling. From today on, I was Clover, the exclusive PR ambassador of Areumduri Guild. And a girl.

That's right. Let whatever happens, happen.