I Became an Elf and I'm Totally Fucked [02]

I stayed crouched on the floor for a long while, phone clutched tight in my hand. Slow breaths in, slow breaths out, again and again. My heart hammered like it was about to burst — by now there was an actual ache in my chest.

The sirens that had been shrieking finally fell silent. Then a loudspeaker announcement crackled through the air, and only after the call to remain indoors had repeated several times did the tension in my body begin to loosen, little by little. It's over now... right?

My sister's message was still glowing on the screen. I opened the reply field, closed it, opened it again. Not even a hint of what to say came to me. Haah. Even firing off a reply felt beyond me. I'd put it off for now — first things first, get a grip on the situation.

My back was already damp with cold sweat, the soaked T-shirt clinging to my skin. I made it as far as the closet thinking I should change, then stopped. I didn't yet have the courage to come face to face with this body bare.

I splashed cold water over my face to cool the heat, then took the Clover pin from the side of my hair and set it down beside the sink. Every look at it made my head throb. Was I seriously supposed to live out a woman's life like this? Depressing.

The moment I sat down in the chair, my feet swung free of the floor. My fingertips trembled ever so slightly as they moved to wake the monitor. I didn't want to know. But ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠I had to look — I couldn't run forever. Here goes.

"Already a total madhouse out there. Aigoo..."

The internet portal's front page was in an uproar before it even finished loading.

A vegetable gate? What now? Whatever that was, it had absolutely nothing to do with me. None whatsoever.

Breaking news items kept stacking up one after another. Reading through them: the rooftop water tank and railing had been destroyed, and residents had evacuated. The Management Bureau had the scene under control and was investigating the cause.

And then, the very last line of the article. No casualties have been confirmed. I read that one sentence over and over. The strength seeped out of my rigid body. I'd been so afraid — thank goodness. Truly, thank goodness.

"Nobody died. That's the one comfort I've got."

In the photo, the villa's landlady stared up at her rooftop with a hollow, stricken expression. The interview beneath it ran all of a single line.

Something jabbed at my chest. No injuries didn't mean no damage. Time to reflect. I'm so sorry.

Once things settled down, I'd find a way to make it up to her. Not now, though. Look at that sea of people — how was I supposed to slip through it? My stomach turned just watching. These days, the mere sight of a crowd made me want to bolt.

Next, the communities. I opened the Hunter Gallery first. Every refresh multiplied the posts beyond counting, and even skimming the titles alone was enough to rattle me.

My scrolling hand jerked to a halt at the last post. Th-that has to be a mix-up. The thing just broke down out of nowhere, that's all. They'll come out later and call it a glitch anyway. They always do.

"Huh? Wh-what's this! No. It can't be..."

At the very top of the hot posts sat the newest thread, a video attached. The poster claimed to have caught the exact moment the giant carrot came down. The view count had already blown clean past several hundred thousand. When did they even film that!

Please tell me I didn't get caught on camera too. If my identity leaked through a video, it was all over. The hunters would come straight here — guaranteed. And once they had me, I'd be shipped off to a laboratory to die a miserable death. No! No!

Delusions of every shape kept welling up. I can't accept a reality like this! I still have so much left to do! I refuse to get dragged away like this!

I swallowed drily and stared at the screen. A giant carrot impaled on a rooftop; the cameraman's screams laced with cursing. And as the camera swept past my way, a green silhouette flickered faintly into frame.

The quality was such a garbled mess that I couldn't tell person from curtain. At this resolution, surely nobody would pick me out. One weight off my chest.

The comments, of course, were another story. Guesses and hot takes came pouring in. The one mercy: almost nobody spared a glance for me. It was all giant carrot, all the time.

I heaved a sigh of relief and made myself face reality again. No going outside — I would simply have to endure. Nowhere near the window, either. I wasn't going to so much as glance at that carrot from now on. And the fridge was getting emptied. Every last shelf!

I was in the middle of those ironclad resolutions when my lower abdomen sent up a heavy, unmistakable signal.

I'm not mentally prepared for this! Why now of all times? I hadn't been to the bathroom once since opening my eyes. Only now did that fact land — and with it came the bigger problem: this body was different from crown to toe, every last bit of it. Sex included.

My mind went blank white. Women are different from men... right? I just... sit on the toilet? That's it? It was embarrassing. Downright humiliating. For the moment, I resolved to hold out a little longer.

Legs crossed and nose buried in the monitor, I tore through the internet, bouncing from community to community until I'd even dug up an emergency stream from an awakened broadcaster. A buzzcut streamer was drawing circles on his whiteboard, explaining something with tremendous passion — heaven knew what. Judging by the AI-generated summary, it went roughly like this:

National-power-level. Monsters who, single-handedly, matched the entire fighting strength of a nation. They were rare enough to count on one hand across the whole planet; hearing their names on the news was the extent of my exposure. South Korea, for its part, was still wringing its hands over never having produced one.

I killed the video on the spot. I tried to think about something else, but all I'd done was multiply my worries. Meanwhile, the signal from my lower abdomen kept growing more violent — what had begun as a polite knock was now hammering at the door like it meant to break it down.

"Just a little... just a little more..." I had no idea who I was even begging.

I held out like that for ten minutes, but it was hopeless. Even climbing down from the chair was an ordeal. One careless movement and I felt certain everything would come out.

Strip away the packaging and I was still a perfectly functional man. And a man like that was going to excuse himself from the room? That would be a catastrophe several times worse than becoming an elf. The time had come to walk out with my head held high. It was urgent. URGENT! It was coming out!

At long last, I made up my mind. Like a general marching off to the battlefield, I opened the bathroom door. What happened beyond it, I shall graciously spare you. One lesson was burned in for good, though: you sit. Who knew the gap between ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠men and women ran this deep.

Even with the business finished, I couldn't move. Hands resting on my knees, I stared blankly at the tile. None of it was funny, and yet hollow laughter kept leaking out of me. Fascinating. So this is a woman's body...

"Why do I have to end up like thiiis!"

My head whirled, and tears came pouring out all at once. Was it because I was a tiny little elf? Even my heart had gone soft and weak. To think emotions could surge up like this.

‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠

Everything felt distant. The whir of the ventilation fan, the loudspeaker outside the window, even the thing I'd just done. Like I was wandering through someone else's dream. It would've been better if it really were one.

Maybe I should just come clean about everything. Hiding it forever was, realistically, impossible — clothes, meals, the list of things to worry about went on and on. One way or another, I'd reached the point where I needed help. And not just anyone's. A hand I could actually trust...

The weekend ended today, and the annual leave I could stretch things with amounted to a few days at most. Above all, my little sister was already racing toward this very apartment. The dice of fate had been cast; all that was left was to catch them.

Let me think about it from her side of things. She wraps up a deployment, drops by her brother's place — and finds some elf sitting there? No way she takes that at face value. She'd clock me as a suspicious intruder and start digging into my identity on the spot. Next stop: an interrogation room at the Management Bureau. It was horrifying even to imagine.

If that was coming regardless, better to move first.

The second I stepped out of the bathroom, I snatched up my phone. I switched to selfie mode, and an elf with a rigid expression stared back at me. I briefly considered flashing a V sign, then thought better of it and pressed the shutter like a normal person instead. Click. Click. Click. A comfortable three shots, the most presentable one selected, and off it went with a message.

The instant my thumb hit send, my forehead thumped down onto the desk. That last line — why did I have to tack that on? I hated to admit it, but take away my sister and there wasn't a single soul left for me to call. It was sad all over again.

Three minutes. Five. I checked my phone who knows how many times. Was she reading it and pretending she hadn't? Or had she already sold me out to the Management Bureau? Nothing but anxious thoughts circled my head. I-it'll be fine. Probably.

Somewhere around the eight-minute mark—

Beep. Beep. Beep. Beep.

The sound of fingers punching in the door lock code. Not a shred of hesitation in them. Before the unlock chime had even finished, the front door burst open.

"Oppa! Did you take some weird drug or something?"

Clean brown hair falling to her waist. A black jacket over a matching skirt. They said she'd done nothing but wear suits ever since becoming a guild master — apparently it was true. In moments like this, at least, she looked every inch the part. Two months since we'd last met, and not a thing about her had changed. Her cheeks burned scarlet; she must have run the whole way. I hated to admit it, but she was a beauty.

Han Areum stopped at the entrance, folded her hands neatly together, and leaned forward. Then she looked me up and down. Once. Twice. And then the corner of her mouth curled up in a grin, snaggletooth flashing.

"Whoa! You're tiny! Is this a doll or what?"

"...S-shut up. You done gawking?"

"Wow. Incredible. Ultra cute!"

"Keep it down. What if someone hears you?"

"And that voice. You sound like a total baby. Goo goo ga ga!"

She stepped another pace inside without even taking off her shoes.

"Door code's still my birthday, huh?"

"Tch. You could've at least texted back on your way over."

"Running here was faster than texting."

"What about the scene? Are you allowed to just leave?"

"I dumped a 'handle it' on the vice guild master and bolted. The Management Bureau put out cooperation requests to the nearby guilds, and ours was the closest one. Sealed off the scene, got a measurement team assigned, and came straight here."

Areum reached out and jabbed the tip of my ear. It gave a tiny tremble, and her eyes went round as saucers. It's real! Does she think I'm a toy!

"Ooh, it moves. So they're not glued on."

"Stop it. My ears are sensitive, okay?"

"And what's with that tee? Is it a dress now?"

"It's my tee. It fit perfectly until yesterday."

"You look like a kid sneaking around in Dad's clothes."

Areum pinched the end of my sleeve between her fingers. That beaming grin she'd worn this whole time... Yep — should never have called her. Wrong choice, clearly. She hadn't come to help; she'd come to milk this for every ounce of teasing it was worth.

"So. Is this really our Oppa?"

"I sent you the photo and explained the whole situation."

"Hmmm? But that's not nearly enough for me?"

For all her words, the corners of her eyes were already crinkled with laughter.

"So prove it. With something only Oppa would know."

I let out a long, long sigh. She'd been like this since we were kids. Something only Oppa would know. Too many candidates came flooding back, which was its own headache — but I wasn't about to just roll over and take it, either.

"...You. Second year of middle school."

Areum's eyebrows twitched.

"Before you'd even awakened, you filled an entire notebook front to back with names for your ultimate techniques. What was it again? On the cover, in gold marker — 'Flames of... Darkness'? Mmph!?"

The rest, sadly, never made it out. My sister closed the distance in a flash, and with a cold, thin smile clapped her palm over my mouth without a moment's warning. So this was what an A-Rank hunter's reflexes were for. Absolutely low.

Ears flaming red, she turned her face away and clammed up. The moment her hand finally dropped, I gulped down air. You'd use brute force on a poor little elf like this? That's unfair! That's violence!

"And I also know exactly where you hid that notebook..."

"Oppa. Let's stop right there. We understand each other, yes?"

"Let go! It's in the third shelf of the bookcase at the family—"

"Oppa! I said I get it! Stop! Stop!"

Areum bent her knees until we were eye to eye. The mischief in her had cooled a notch — good, now we could actually talk. But before I could get a word out, she spoke first, in the gentle tone of someone soothing a child.

"Anything hurt?"

"Nope. Perfectly fine."

"Really? You're certain?"

"...My head's a little dizzy, that's all."

"Come here, then. Let me check you over. Go on."

"I'm telling you I'm fine. Sheesh. Fine."

She pressed the back of her hand to my forehead, then pulled it away. No fever — only then did her expression finally soften. Strange how dependable she seemed today, of all days. I'd never seen this side of my sister before.

"I'm the only one who's seen the photo. So don't worry."

All the dread I'd been stewing over alone since morning finally settled.

Of course, that relief didn't last. Areum straightened up and shot a glance toward the curtain. The enormous carrot was still standing there, tall and proud.

"Just asking on the off chance — the culprit is you, isn't it, Oppa?"

I nodded. Areum's eyes darted between me and the carrot, and mischief flooded in from the very first glance. The moment I saw it, I knew. Ah. I'm screwed.

"Wow. Our Oppa's really made it big."