A Lucky Day (4)
Saturday. The day of Choi Ahyeon's audition.
The moment morning arrived, I headed for home.
I sat by the window of the train I'd booked ahead of time and watched the thoroughly unremarkable scenery go by with a blank face. Before long, even that scenery was whipping past too fast to hold in my eyes.
Somewhere along the way, my phone gave a faint shudder. A text. And I knew, without even bothering to check, that it was from Choi Ahyeon.
The train threw itself into the run in earnest, and I let my eyes drift shut, emptying my head with the music in my ears.
The hometown I arrived at after hours of riding.
Hometown… might have been laying it on a little thick, but it was my hometown all the same.
The truth was, I'd come here for an actual reason. Not some gesture meant to make the break with Choi Ahyeon look official. An actual, practical reason.
Right. I'd needed to replace this phone anyway — the one I'd smashed by accident while hanging out with Yena. If I was going to get a new one, I figured I'd have to do it with my parents. And dragging my parents all the way out to where I was living felt a little much.
Anyway, that was why I'd come down to the family home. And at the start, that really had been the reason I left.
And so, for the first time in a long while, I retraced the path from the train station to our house, walking back through a past that wasn't even that old. What was I supposed to do about the fact that the moment I stepped into the station, the memories of being here with Choi Ahyeon came flooding back?
It wasn't as if I'd been trying to remember. Those memories hadn't even occupied my head for the past few months. And yet the first thing to come out and greet me the moment I arrived was the residue of that past, and even I was caught off guard.
That's right. After our middle school graduation, we'd packed our things together and taken the train up together. From this very station. On the way we'd been half excited and half anxious, and so the conversation had never stopped — about the school life waiting for us, about our dreams and the paths we wanted to take. And the everyday stuff, too: the restaurants we wanted to try first, how we were each going to decorate our places.
Ah, of course, while all that talking was going on, I'd just been listening. I hadn't been all that interested in those things. Back then, my attention had been on Choi Ahyeon instead — chattering away like a sparrow, working so hard at every word.
Well… that's how it was, then.
It's almost funny, thinking about it now. Yeah. It feels like a past I'd rather bury. Looking back on it at this point, rather than anything wistful, it was closer to a strange sense of wonder that I had ever been that person.
I arrived at the family home.
If you only counted the time, it didn't feel like I'd been away all that long. And yet, for some reason, this front entrance felt unfamiliar. Meanwhile the scenery around the house, and the road leading up to it, felt intimately familiar — thick with the nostalgia of the past. It was a peculiar feeling.
That said… it was the weekend, and I'd arrived at the family home. Which meant—
"Oh. What. I thought it was Mom… it's Gu Jinho."
Right. Of course this one was home too. Honestly… it was the weekend, and she couldn't even go out and hang around somewhere. Just parked in the house. Who did she take after, acting like this. And what was with that look of crushing disappointment.
"Hey, who do you think you are, throwing your oppa's name around like that?"
"Huhhh? The hell?"
"The hell? You really lost your touch just 'cause I was gone for a while?"
"Ugh, so what—!"
"Forget it. Stop hovering in my face and get lost already."
"You get lost."
The door to my sister's room slammed shut with a heavy thud.
Well… that was my little sister. A little sister one year younger. A little sister I'd briefly edited out of my own thoughts. Maybe it was the one-year gap. We were always like this. We used to fight even worse when we were little.
The door that had slammed so hard eased open again, just a crack. Then my sister poked her head out.
"Oppa… you said you're getting a new phone today. I… I want one too. Can't you put in a good word with Mom?"
"Get lost."
"Ah— why!!! I want a new one too. I do!!"
"You just got a new one not that long ago."
"Yeah, but like, a different one's trending now."
A trend, for phones. What a joke. I more or less ignored her and started to head into my room. That was when she opened her mouth again, as if she were opening negotiations.
"Ahyeon unnie. I'll help you get together with her."
That was what she decided to say. And at that, my feet stopped short. Honestly, on a purely instinctive level, I couldn't help but be startled.
"How do you even know about that?"
Right… I'd never said a word of that to my sister. So how was she able to put something like that in her mouth?
"Please, like I wouldn't know?! Anyone could see you were trailing after her 'cause you liked her so damn much. Pathetic-ho!"
…So that's how it looked.
Well. From a third party's eyes, I suppose that was how it had appeared. And it was true, besides. Choi Ahyeon herself just hadn't seemed to notice. And now… she didn't need to know, either.
That said… Pathetic-ho?
"Don't talk crap. And I'm not close with her anymore."
"Huh? You're the one talking crap."
"I'm serious."
"Wait, for real? Why? Where are you gonna find someone as pretty as Ahyeon unnie?"
"None of your business."
"No way!"
My sister suddenly clapped a hand over her mouth, like someone who'd just figured it all out on her own. I looked at her again, mildly.
"Don't tell me… you confession-attacked her? God, that's so cringe. That's so damn lame. Ugh… Pathetic-ho!! Unnie, I'm so sorry…"
This little… this brat. Whose side was this girl supposed to be on, calling herself my sister. And unfortunately… it was the other way around. I was the one who'd been on the receiving end.
"Haa… just use that phone for the rest of your life."
I didn't bother explaining the circumstances. I just let it go. I mean, the sight of me sitting my little sister down and walking her through the whole story would've been ridiculous in its own right. And besides… it was all over anyway.
After that I went into my room, unpacked, and stretched out comfortably. A trace of unfamiliarity lingered, but my body seemed to accept a familiarity already carved into it. From the faint smell of our house on the bed — as if to remind me this was my nest — my body and mind were quickly made easy and snug.
And once I had that psychological ease… a thought of a certain kind crept in. A thought of just not going back to school. Yeah. Being here like this, I didn't feel like going. This place was so comfortable, so snug — why did I have to go back there at all? The comfort was so complete that it seemed to curdle into a powerlessness, pinning me to the bed.
Powerlessness, and a hollowness that arrived with it. It was like the moment you cross the finish line and the strength just drops out of your legs. Ending the relationship with Choi Ahyeon had left me with the feeling that my motivation for anything else had vanished with it. Something close to burnout. A disillusionment with human relationships, too, maybe. So I just wanted to spend more time here, and rest. Which is to say: I didn't want to go to school.
I'll say it now, though it may be late… school wasn't that great an environment for me anyway. Sure, the rumors had died down by now, and nobody was whispering about me anymore. Even so, I couldn't wipe that psychological flinching away completely clean. Facing Choi Ahyeon again, honestly, I didn't have much feeling about. I thought of her as a stranger now. I'd walked myself through that process specifically so I could think of her that way. So even if we ran into each other as a matter of course, I wasn't going to acknowledge her — that was a given.
Setting that aside, I just really didn't want to set foot again in a place full of kids who'd spent a good while mocking me and whispering. Coming back to this snug little nest, the miserable figure I'd cut back then seemed to pierce me all over again, freshly. The hollow space left behind once a single enormous goal had ended was, apparently, an excellent place for the feelings I'd put to sleep for a while to seep back in.
In the end… I had no desire to leave this comfortable place for no good reason. And on the other hand, I couldn't help thinking how weak this made me. I also thought I ought to go straight back to school and show them a version of myself that was attending just fine, as if nothing had happened. In the end, it had become that bizarre phenomenon where the victim is the one who ends up hiding.
And so I took a nap for the first time in a long while, and woke up.
"Ah… right."
I muttered that to myself and, with bleary eyes, picked up my phone. Then I sent Choi Ahyeon a text. I figured that by now the audition would be just about over. If I was going to send this message, it felt like I should send it after the audition was done. If I sent it before… it seemed like it might affect the audition.
Anyway, I sent the text. And then, indifferently, I blocked Choi Ahyeon's number. Honestly, I did it because I didn't want to see whatever reply came back. Yeah. I was already someone who had ended everything. I didn't want to deal with whatever assortment of words might come out of Choi Ahyeon. No matter what she said, nothing was going to change anyway.
Monday came.
To Mom, I'd brought it up carefully on Saturday evening, while we were replacing the phone, that I wanted to take a little time off school. Not that I explained the circumstances. Just that I seemed a little worn out.
Of course I got an earful at first. Everything from What do you think you're doing, wasting that rent to That's the school you worked so hard to get into because you wanted it… Even so, in the end, the way I said it with such a drained face must have gotten to her a little, because she told me to do as I liked. The time limit, of course, was left unspecified.
The first contact to come in on the new phone was Sohee. Honestly, I was thrown. I hadn't expected Sohee to call. And the name Sohi sitting on my screen — meeting it head-on like this — was startling in its own right.
But… I probably shouldn't pick up right now.
With that in mind, I hit decline. Then, instead of just rejecting it cold, I sent the default message the phone offered. Just tapping decline and leaving it at that felt a little too rude.
After I sent that, the texts from Junyong started pouring in.
I wasn't quite up to answering those right away, either. Yeah. Right now… I didn't want to be tangled up in anything. I just wanted to rest easy.
And so… an open-ended stretch of skipping school began.