Growing Distant (14)
"Thanks. I'll enjoy it."
As I took the chocolate Sohee held out to me, a smile found its way onto my face before I even knew it was there.
A warm, good-natured smile. Over something this small—something that, maybe, anyone would have done. Had I ever been thanked like this before? It wasn't even anything grand, and yet I couldn't understand why it made me feel this good. Something in my chest gave a quiet little stir.
"And... about what I asked earlier. If it's too much of a burden, or if it makes you uncomfortable..."
Sohee fidgeted in front of me as she spoke. I cut her off before the sentence could finish.
"I'm fine with it."
Yeah. My mind had already settled on saying yes. That was how I felt, at least... though the real problem wasn't on my end. It was on the other side.
"Really?"
"Yeah. Though... I don't know if I'll actually be any help. All I ever do is just read along."
"That's totally fine. Just do it the same way you always do with Ahyeon."
"Well... if that's enough for you, then I'm okay with it."
"Yay!!"
Sohee broke into a bright, unclouded smile. It was such a clear, clean kind of smile—the kind that left whoever saw it feeling a little better themselves.
"So what kind of character do you think I'd be good at?"
As if the conversation had simply found its next subject, Sohee was the first to ask. A question about her own image, then.
"Hmm... maybe a wholesome heroine? Everyone's first love?"
It was less something I had thought through and more just my honest first impression, put into words. That was exactly the kind of image Sohee gave off.
"Oh... I come across like that?!"
"Yeah. That's what I thought when I first saw you."
"Heh, you've got a good eye!"
Sohee laughed lightly and gave my shoulder a little nudge. And in that gap, Ahyeon—who'd gone to buy water and was running a bit late—arrived.
Ahyeon spotted the two of us and started walking over with a bright expression, only to falter and stop short a few steps away.
Sohee was still beaming that sunny smile at me. Then she noticed Ahyeon, a beat late.
"Oh! It's Ahyeon! I... I got Jinho to say yes. He said he'll watch my acting too!"
She bounced toward Ahyeon in that lively voice. The corner of Ahyeon's mouth twitched, just slightly unnatural. A dazed, uncomprehending air hung about her.
Well, I hadn't exactly jumped on board at that tempo either. It had just... happened, before I knew it.
Once the run started, my pace was somehow slower than usual.
On any other day I would have been running alongside Ahyeon—or out in front. Today Ahyeon was leading, and I was the one following behind.
It wasn't because I was tired. Even in ten layered masks, I would never wear out before Choi Ahyeon. Which meant... I was probably doing this for Sohee, who was struggling along in my wake.
Yeah. I was running in the space between Ahyeon and Sohee, glancing back again and again as I went.
Thinking about yesterday, Sohee had fallen far enough behind to drop out entirely. And Choi Ahyeon, for whatever reason, was charging ahead today with her eyes locked forward—like someone with far too much on her mind. If it was a friend she had brought along herself... shouldn't she have been the one paying a little more attention?
From behind, Sohee's breathing finally spilled forward in ragged, uneven bursts. She had hit her limit, by the sound of it. How far had we gone... maybe two kilometers? Either way, it was time to stop.
"Hey, Choi Ahyeon!"
I called out to her. But that first attempt wasn't enough to halt Choi Ahyeon, who was still running with her eyes fixed stubbornly ahead. Maybe she had music in. Maybe she had sunk too deep into whatever she was thinking. I had no way of knowing which.
"Ahyeon!!"
I raised my voice and called again. Only then did Choi Ahyeon startle, pulling the earphones from her ears one side at a time.
"Let's take a break. Sohee looks like she's really struggling."
I said it as I brought my own feet to a stop. Ahyeon stopped too, glancing back at Sohee a moment late.
"Ah... yeah."
Her response was halfhearted at best. And then, a beat later, Sohee came trudging up beside us, her footsteps heavy and uneven.
"Hah... sorry."
The apology came out on a gasp. Still, we had come a lot farther than yesterday.
"Sohee, you okay? Want to rest a bit?"
Ahyeon stepped toward her and asked. Yeah. That was your job in the first place.
While they talked, I checked my phone to see how far we had gone. About 2.3 kilometers. We had definitely covered more ground than yesterday.
"I don't think I can run any farther..."
Sohee said. Well, yesterday she had given up at an even shorter distance. Resting now wasn't going to put her back on her feet.
"Ah, really? Um..."
Ahyeon looked at her with the air of someone who didn't quite know what to do. She was probably thinking we had barely run at all—that stopping here would be too little. This was a girl who usually managed five kilometers at a stretch, and she hadn't gotten much in yesterday either. But leaving Sohee here alone to finish the rest of the distance... that wasn't an option.
"Can't be helped. Let's call it here again today."
While Ahyeon was still turning it over with that reluctant look on her face, I said it first, and I said it clearly. Ahyeon looked like she had something she wanted to get out—but in the end her mouth only opened and closed, and she said nothing.
That night.
"Y-you, to me, to me, to me... ah...! Sorry."
I was running lines with Ahyeon again, same as always. Whether she simply hadn't memorized the script yet—which wasn't like her—or the words had just caught in her mouth, she was stumbling like that.
"What's wrong?"
"Ah... let me try again. Just a second... kh, ahem. Kh-hm. Aahh—"
Her throat caught and roughened, and a pained look crossed her face. Ahyeon's voice had always done that. Whenever we practiced for too long, it would start to crack—and her throat had never been all that strong to begin with.
"Let's take a break. Your throat doesn't sound good..."
"Yeah..."
Her voice had gone small and dejected. She didn't seem any happier with herself than I was. Still, there was something I had always done for her at times like this.
"Hold on. I'll make you some tea."
Doraji Tea. I had hunted down everything that was supposed to be good for the throat, back when I first started looking after hers, and this was what I had found.
"Okay..."
I opened the cupboard in Ahyeon's kitchen and took down the dried doraji I had bought and left there. Choi Ahyeon probably didn't even know what it was. And the reason I was doing this now...
"Ahyeon. Come here a second?"
"Hm?"
I called Choi Ahyeon into the kitchen. She padded over and came to stand beside me.
"This is... dried doraji. Balloon flower root."
"Oh, really? I was wondering what that was."
"Yeah. That tea I've been brewing for you all this time—this is what it's made from."
I started walking her through how to make Doraji Tea. She needed to know how to do this kind of thing on her own now. In the future, she was going to have to.
"That really nasty-tasting stuff?"
"It still helps when your throat hurts, though, right?"
"It does, yeah. All warm and toasty."
"Then pay attention."
"Huh?"
Ahyeon looked up at me with widened eyes, as if she couldn't figure out why I was suddenly teaching her this. I brought over the water and poured it into the pot.
"About this much water, and this much of the dried doraji. Let it simmer on low for ten, twenty minutes."
"Ah, okay. But what if I put it on and then forget about it?"
"Then... well, you're fucked."
"Pfft—hah! Wait, is my whole place gonna burn down?"
Ahyeon laughed, all innocence. I managed a bitter smile in return.
That was just how my body worked now. The physical distance between us was still closing at a sluggish pace, but somewhere along the way, the distance in my heart had already grown considerable. On any other day I would have smiled back at that artless laugh of hers. Seeing that I no longer did, I finally understood—I was getting myself ready to come loose. Yes. I could feel the gap that had opened in my heart. It almost seemed as though, starting today, that distance had widened all at once. Especially since this morning. And as that thought passed through me, the chocolate Sohee had given me flickered faintly in my mind, then faded.
"I'll make a bigger batch while we're at it, so drink some tomorrow too."
"Ah! I'll put it in a tumbler and take it to school."
"Yeah. That's a good idea."
While we waited for the water to boil, we sat side by side and talked. The sound of the flame was faint, but it was enough to fill the little studio.
"Hey, how come you don't cook for me anymore? I really wanna eat your pasta again. It's been so long."
Ahyeon asked in that artless, easy voice. Cooking, huh. We used to cook together at her place about once a week, didn't we. Usually on the weekend—a little way of closing out the days. But there was no real reason to keep doing that now. We weren't the kind of people who could sit across a table from each other anymore, chatting away, bright and easy. Not from where I stood. I didn't want to, and I had no reason to.
Which was why, the last time I had come by with food, I had stocked her up with frozen meals and meal kits. I had no intention of cooking for her going forward, so I had left her the means to feed herself. And that was probably the last of it, if I thought about how many days were left until the audition.
"The day before your audition... I'll make something. Let's eat together that day."
That was what I told her. A last supper, more or less. If she wanted to eat my cooking that badly, then we might as well make a last supper of it. A last supper that only I was prepared for. And a goodbye that only I was ready for. Because the day of the audition, I would vanish from her side.
"Okay. I'll eat Jinho's cooking until I'm stuffed, power up, and—bam!—nail that audition."
"Yeah. I hope you do."
"And if I pass... let's throw a celebration party together!"
After that, the water came to a bubbling boil, as if even our conversation were dissolving into the pale steam. Naturally, the words between us fell away.