Dream Team (2)
What? They want to put up a statue of me?
Everyone had clearly lost their minds.
Those finicky non-humans who could barely hold a proper conversation were going around collecting taxes — and people were happy about it? That was pure nonsense.
At this point I couldn't tell whether I'd gone mad or the world had.
Damn it, this is completely unbelievable…!
I hurriedly threw on my coat and headed for the commoner district.
I needed to see with my own two eyes just what the hell was going on.
"Chwik! Here for the poll tax! Chwik! Ten copper coins a head!"
"Ah. Um, th-that is…"
When a pack of muscular orcs with protruding tusks swarmed up and blocked the doorway, hands outstretched, a terrified man trembled as he pulled money from his pocket.
See that? He's scared.
Watching the scene from hiding, I let out a sigh of relief.
Right. Of course.
How many people wouldn't be scared looking at orcs built like mountains?
Talk back and you'd get flattened on the spot — one punch, lights out.
As I thought, Rhea must have picked up some baseless rumor and made a fuss over nothing.
But that didn't last long.
Suddenly another orc from the back shoved his face toward the man, then tossed him a sack.
"Chwik-chwik! Human too skinny. You'll die like that. Chwik! Eat this!"
"Th-this is…"
"Meat! Chwik! Caught it this morning! Chwik! You're weak! Then you can't pay taxes! Chwik! Eat up, get strong, and pay your taxes!"
What came out of the sack was none other than meat.
I sucked in a sharp breath, wondering if my eyes were deceiving me.
Had those things gone insane? Who told them to go around collecting taxes, and who told them to do charity work?
What kind of orcs were these?
"Chwiiik! Starting today, we're in charge of taxes! We'll be seeing you a lot! So we're friends! Chwik! We orcs don't let our friends go hungry! Chwik-chwik!"
"Th-thank you."
"If it's not enough, just say so anytime! Chwik!"
"Huh? Ah. Yes…"
Even the man himself stared blankly at the chunk of meat, stammering.
The orcs coolly walked off, leaving him behind.
Th-those crazy bastards!
I clutched the back of my neck, foaming at the mouth.
Ah. My blood pressure again…!
Hoo. Hoo. Right. Looking after the weak is part of orc culture, so I guess that's possible.
Afraid I might lose my mind right there in the street, I took deep breaths and steeled myself.
It was too early to give up.
Besides the orcs, there were still the beastkin, the elves, and the dwarves left.
But my hopes were shattered before long.
"Oh my. My lord. Looks like you've got rats in the house? We'll help you out."
"Huh?! H-how did you know that?"
"Hahaha. You think we're beastkin for nothing?"
"Ooh. Th-thank you. Really, thank you."
These beastkin bastards came to collect taxes and ended up catching rats in people's houses.
"Hmph! Human, hurry up and hand over the money. We're busy."
"Wow. An elf…"
"What are you staring at like that? Never seen an elf before? Want me to pluck those eyeballs out?"
"Hehe. Please insult me some more."
"......?"
The elves I'd been counting on were being treated like complete celebrities because of their outstanding beauty.
No, wait — this wasn't the elves' problem. It was the citizens'.
Could those humans even function in daily life?
"Hey! Give us the tax! Hand over the money! Before I smash everything with this hammer!"
"Eek! A-alright!"
"Huh? Hey! What's wrong with this door? Something's off with the hinges? Damn it! Hold on a second!"
"Yes…?"
"This kind of thing needs fixing right away! Ugh! Where'd you buy these hinges? Looks like some quack made them! You got completely scammed! Next time I'll make some myself and bring them over, so just wait!"
My last hope — the stubborn old-fogey dwarves — were going around doing home repairs, taxes be damned.
Good God almighty.
Faced with this heartwarming tax-collection scene I could barely believe even seeing it, I was utterly dumbfounded.
Was the whole world running a hidden-camera prank on me?
"Sniffle! I never imagined in my whole life that a day like this would come. Maybe the words you spoke back then moved the hearts of the non-human peoples."
While I was clutching my forehead with both eyes squeezed shut, Rhea, who'd been trailing after me, started sniffling.
Why was my one and only aide acting like this, seriously.
My patience crumbled completely.
"Rooting out the deep-seated fraud and corruption of the Ministry of Finance, and going even further to achieve integration with the non-human races. As expected, Tax Collector, sir, you're truly amazing. Sob!"
You're pretty amazing yourself in all sorts of ways. Amazing.
If I kept listening to Rhea's sniveling like this, I felt like I might unleash a demon right in the middle of the capital.
So with superhuman patience, I swallowed the rising anger and waved a hand at Rhea.
"Senior Secretariat Rhea, you're dismissed for the day."
"Yes? Already? Lunch just ended…"
"You've been working hard because of me all this time. It's fine, so go home and rest today."
Please go home.
I really want to be alone.
"B-but…"
Rhea wouldn't leave even when told to go home.
She'd been like this last time too — at this point she was a workaholic.
In the end, I pulled a few silver coins from my coat and handed them to her.
"Buy yourself something tasty on the way."
"S-silver coins! Thank you! Thank you! Tax Collector, sir! I will devote my full loyalty!"
Her expression changed completely as she snatched up the silver coins, and only then did she clock out.
What a load of crap. Absolute crap.
They say God only gives trials you can overcome.
That was clearly a lie.
Having completely lost all motivation, I stood alone staring up at the sky for a long while.
Rumors about the Dream Team spread beyond the commoner district to the entire capital.
Orcs who looked scary and were a bit dim, but had warm hearts that helped those in need. Beastkin who always approached with bright smiles and caught rats and pests. Dwarves with godawful personalities who repaired tools and houses free of charge. And just pretty elves.
Each of them reached out first to the humans with their own strengths, and the people who had considered them a nuisance gradually began to respect them.
Moreover, unlike the previous contractors, the non-humans only collected the set amount of tax and didn't cause any trouble. Day by day, more people welcomed them. Naturally, they melted into each other.
As the rumors spread, petitions even came in from other commoner districts requesting they be assigned as contractors.
It was enough to drive a man completely insane.
And that's not even the only problem…
I bit my lip hard as I watched the non-humans roaming outside through the window.
The non-humans were now walking the capital far more freely than before. Thanks to that, the orcs sold leather and meat from their hunts at the market, and the skilled dwarves sold the goods they made. The beastkin went so far as to start a professional pest-control company, and the elves distributed rare herbs and handmade potions to the nobility.
Conversely, humans could also sell goods to them as new customers. As the market came alive, both humans and non-humans found their circumstances improving.
As a result, my reputation soared to the heavens.
"Wow! Tax Collector, sir! Today another whole bundle of letters arrived at the Ministry of Finance saying they want to put up a statue of you!"
Whether she'd eaten her sense of tact with stew or gulped it down whole with bread, today as always Rhea came to work dragging a sack full of letters.
Thank-you letters sent to me from all over. Well, occasionally there were also deranged letters just asking for money out of nowhere. They were all going to the incinerator anyway.
What sin did I commit in a past life.
Is this what they mean by getting your foot chopped by the axe you trusted?
When the Dream Team started excelling in a completely different direction from what I'd intended, a stubborn resolve began to form.
At this point, I have no choice but to ditch the Dream Team and everything else and find another way.
I sipped the black tea Rhea had brought and sank deep into thought.
They say even if the sky falls there's a hole to climb through — was I going to give up over something like this?
I would find an answer. Just as I always had.
So I lit a fire in my eyes and rummaged through the documents.
"Ta-da! I'm here!"
But then the office door burst open and Minister Elena appeared.
"I've come in person, as Minister, to meet our Ministry of Finance's treasure! Our just and fair Special Tax Collector."
Who was she mocking right now.
I was already losing my mind, and what was this supposed to be? Looking for a fight?
"What is it?"
I scowled deeply and snapped at her.
She flinched for a moment, gauging my mood, then approached me with a sly grin, leaving a startled Rhea behind.
"Why is our Special Tax Collector in such a foul mood? As Minister, I can't just let that slide."
"That free, are you?"
"Do I look it?"
"Haa. Sorry, but I'm not in the mood for word games."
"I don't know what you think of me, but I'm extremely busy too, you know?"
Elena spun distractingly around the room, then perched on the desk and held out a document.
"Our Special Tax Collector seems to be struggling a lot with work lately. So I prepared something special."
Taking the document, I couldn't help but tilt my head.
Richmond was a famous magical house in the north — and they'd defaulted on their fief tax?
No, more than that, wasn't the fief tax levied on lords basically a toothless collection system?
This came down from the Imperial Palace.
Elena handed me the document as if it were nothing special. But I instinctively realized this was a case the Emperor had ordered personally.
"You're giving more work to someone already struggling with work?"
"Come on, just think of it as a vacation. You've been stuck in the capital all this time — must've been stifling."
"A sudden business trip…"
"Don't want to? Ah. If you hate it that much, I'll send someone else."
She could have just said the Emperor ordered it. Elena ran her mouth shamelessly without changing expression.
Hmm. Count Richmond. He's definitely a big shot. Wait a minute — if it's a noble of this size…
Examining the document, I discovered a new opportunity within it.
Found it! A crack for resignation!
Quickly running the numbers in my head, I nodded readily.
"I'll leave at once."