Dream Team (1)
That's right. The task I had agreed to take on was none other than selecting new tax collection contractors.
Ever since the entire Tax Collection Bureau had been handed over to the Inspectorate, all tax collection work had been completely suspended.
And with no revenue coming in, the Ministry of Finance's primary duty—budget execution—wasn't functioning properly either.
They had drawn up plans to somehow patch things over for the time being with the money accumulated so far, but it was nothing more than a temporary stopgap.
Given the situation, the most urgent matter at hand was collecting taxes as soon as possible—even a single day sooner.
Of course, this was a moment that called for internal audits and a sweeping organizational overhaul, but that was a problem for later.
Which was precisely why I had decided to take advantage of this chaotic situation.
Selecting new contractors, at least, won't be an easy job.
The Tax Collection Bureau's substitute duties could somehow be managed by squeezing personnel drafted from other departments.
But selecting new contractors was a different story entirely.
Why? Because the reason people had risen up in the first place was the contractors themselves.
Frankly, how much the tax collectors lined their own pockets didn't matter much to ordinary people.
To them, the contractors snatching money straight from their pockets were the real villains.
As a result, selecting new contractors was naturally an extremely sensitive matter that demanded the utmost caution.
Moreover, the Imperial Palace would certainly be watching closely to ensure the same thing never happened again.
In other words, it was a problem that needed handling as quickly as possible, yet one so burdensome that no one wanted to take it on—and one that had to be handled with extreme care.
On top of that, at a time like this, no one would even raise their hand to take on contractor work. Who would want this job?
And here I was—the man currently sporting the image of a fair and righteous tax collector—stepping forward to solve the problem.
As Minister Elena, there was no way she would turn me down.
But had I really taken on this job with the intention of solving the problem?
Not a chance. Not in a million years.
Sorry, Elena, but I planned to select people no one would ever expect as the new contractors.
People who, while not strictly illegal, would leave more than a little room for controversy.
I'm fair, am I? Fine. I'll show you exactly what real fairness looks like.
Leaving the minister's office, I shrugged my shoulders alone and wore a sly grin.
Dream Team, assemble!
"T-Tax Collector, sir? A-Are you sure this is really okay?"
When Rhea asked in a trembling voice, I nodded with a perfectly calm expression, as if to ask what the problem could possibly be.
"Why, is there some kind of issue?"
"N-No. It's just that no matter how I think about it, this is a bit…"
Rhea hesitated, then pointed toward the figures approaching us from afar and swallowed hard.
They were the prospective contractors I had selected.
"From where I'm standing, I don't see a single problem."
I snorted and crooked one corner of my mouth upward.
When the prospective contractors finally arrived before us, they each drew a sharp breath of pure disbelief and opened their mouths.
"Chuk?! What did you say?! You want us to be tax collection contractors? This human's insane! Run!! Chuiik!"
"Human, have you lost your mind? You dare assign such filthy work to us elves, the people of the forest?"
"Hoo. Live long enough and you see it all—even a madman telling a dwarf to go collect taxes."
"Oh dear. My lord. We beastkin are far too timid for that sort of work."
Keheheh. That's right! This was the ultimate chaos dream team I had envisioned.
None other than the non-human races.
Who could have possibly predicted this?
Orcs, elves, dwarves, beastkin.
The ultimate combination that would make even the Emperor clutch the back of his neck!
They would become the cornerstone of my resignation.
"This office intends to give all of you an opportunity."
Arms crossed, I continued as I looked at the leaders of the non-human races.
"I have confirmed that the previous tax collection contractors committed every manner of atrocity under the pretext of collecting the poll tax. You lot were likely the greatest victims."
No sooner had the words left my mouth than they all erupted in furious anger as one.
"Keuhmm! Well, that ain't wrong. I tell you, there was more than once I wanted to smash those damned bastards' skulls in with a hammer!"
"Chuik! The short one's right! Those bastards are bad! Chuiik! They didn't just take our money! They took our meat too! Chuk! I wanted to give them the bear-paw punishment. Chukchuk!"
"Hmmm. It wasn't quite that bad for us elves, but they were always looking us over with those unpleasant eyes. Vulgar creatures."
"Keuk! We got beaten every time because they said we were dirty and stank!"
Just as I'd expected—things had been worse for the non-humans, not better. My prediction had been spot on.
Once the mood had shifted somewhat in agreement with me, I pressed the advantage and raised my voice even higher.
"You pay the same taxes as the humans living inside the walls. So why is it that you are always the ones paying and never the ones collecting? That is why I wish to give you this opportunity as well."
"Chuichuicheok! High human's words, not wrong! Cheok! But short ones and pointy-ears aside, we orcs are weak at that kind of work. Chuik! We're good at hunting!"
"We beastkin find it a bit overwhelming as well. As you know, we are not exactly welcomed among humans. Why else would we cover our tails and ears whenever we enter the walls?"
Unlike the elves and dwarves, who nodded along readily, the orcs and beastkin looked troubled.
Hmm. It was true that orcs were a bit less intelligent than the other races, and plenty of people looked down on beastkin as little better than livestock.
I could fully understand their concerns.
But those very concerns were exactly what I had been hoping for.
There was a reason I called it the ultimate chaos dream team.
There was no law saying non-humans couldn't be tax contractors.
And selecting contractors fell under the Ministry of Finance's jurisdiction—authority the minister had fully delegated to me.
So hiring them was no problem whatsoever, either procedurally or legally.
But what would happen once they actually became contractors?
Beyond the matter of public perception, the same kinds of noise they were worrying about right now would inevitably start to arise.
Oh my goodness, can you believe it? An orc showed up as the tax collector today! Said he'd chop you with an axe if you didn't pay up or something. The Ministry of Finance has completely lost its mind.
Damn it! Why are those elf bastards so damn rude? Looking down on people for no reason and just demanding taxes out of nowhere—who's going to like that?
Ugh. At least the elves are pretty. That dwarf over there just throws punches first and asks questions never. You can't even talk to him!
What?! What lunatic put a lowly beastkin in charge of collecting taxes! You think I'm a pushover? Huh?!
Ah! The glorious scenes that would unfold danced before my eyes.
Shock and terror, you foolish citizens!
This is true madness—no, this is the true fairness you all so desperately wanted and prayed for!
People will grow resentful of me for making this decision. They'll feel betrayed and enraged, convinced that the man they trusted without question is neither just nor fair.
With anything, the first time is the hard part. The second is easy.
Would people who had already risen up once over taxes simply sit still?
The outcome was obvious.
They would hold me accountable.
Perhaps they'd let it slide once because I'd received the Meritorious Service Medal.
In the meantime, I'd pull some other troll stunt and create a fresh pretext.
Then Vice Minister Bern and the department heads would take care of driving me out on their own.
The Emperor would snatch back the medal he'd given me in a moment of carelessness, too.
"Hmm. I understand your concerns well. But I believe that when the gods created each race, they deliberately gave every race clear strengths and weaknesses so that they would cooperate with one another."
And so I launched into a rather convincing speech to persuade them.
I'm not letting this chance slip away.
"If we distribute personnel carefully and have everyone work together, I see no problems whatsoever. I will take full responsibility, so why not give it a try? Who knows? Doing this work might even change how people see you."
Fortunately, my silver tongue seemed to have done the trick.
The representatives of the orcs and beastkin nodded as well.
At last, the moment my perfect dream team came together.
"Then I'll take that as unanimous agreement, and hereby appoint all of you as tax collection contractors effective immediately. I look forward to working with you."
I clenched my fist tight, cheering inwardly.
Hurl the non-humans into a slackened Empire! There is no more perfect chaos than this!
A few days later.
"You insane bastard! What the hell do you think you're doing?!"
Just as I was thinking the bite ought to be coming soon.
Sure enough, my eternal comrade Vice Minister Bern kicked open the office door and bellowed at the top of his lungs.
"Wh-What?! You put non-humans in charge of tax contracting?! You've truly set your mind on destroying the Empire! This is treason! Treason!"
"My ears work just fine, so please keep your voice down a little."
"Y-Y-You insolent little—!"
"What exactly is the problem?"
I stood up from my seat and looked at Vice Minister Bern with a shamelessly blank expression.
"Is there some legal issue? Or was there a procedural error?"
"There is such a thing as precedent! Precedent!"
"Ah. You mean the kind of precedent where tax collectors take kickbacks from the contractors?"
"Y-You run your mouth like— Aaagh! Aaaagh!!"
Vice Minister Bern, who had taken to clutching the back of his neck and collapsing in agony more and more often lately.
It seemed the previous incident had left him with high blood pressure.
"I simply selected, under the authority delegated to me by the Minister, those I judged most suitable as contractors."
"I will most certainly report this to the Imperial Palace! Let's see if you can flap that mouth of yours in front of His Majesty as well!"
"I shall endeavor to live up to your expectations."
When I bowed politely at the waist in a show of courtesy, Vice Minister Bern seemed to lose the power of speech.
Grinding his teeth furiously, he stormed straight out.
He was probably going to investigate the problems that had arisen from the non-humans going around collecting taxes and report them to the Imperial Palace.
Good. Everything is going according to plan.
Vice Minister Bern, you are my only ally and partner in this desolate Ministry of Finance.
Once I quit, I'll definitely buy you a drink.
Thank you, Vice Minister.
And so I hummed a little tune as I sank back into my chair.
Ha. The office air feels especially cool today.
But that didn't last long.
This time, Rhea came barreling in with her eyes rolled back, gasping for breath.
"Tax Collector, sir! I was wrong! Please forgive me!"
And then, out of nowhere, she dropped to her knees and prostrated herself in abject apology.
"Please forgive me for doubting you without understanding your profound intentions, Tax Collector, sir!"
"Doubting me? When did you ever…?"
"Appointing the non-humans as contractors was a true stroke of genius!"
Huh? A s-stroke of what?
For a moment I was left completely speechless.
"People are going crazy saying they need to put up a statue of you in front of the Ministry of Finance building!!"
Suddenly my vision went dark and the back of my neck went stiff.
Apparently the one who'd developed high blood pressure wasn't Vice Minister Bern—it was me.