Chapter 127
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 127
Looking back, it was always the same.
I always woke up in a dark study.
There was a blade in my hand.
My mind was completely blank and my body felt so heavy that I just wanted to close my eyes. This was especially true when the smell of paper and the stuffy air of the sealed room filled my lungs.
I didn’t know why.
Even when I tried to remember something, only the blurry shape of a person would appear and then vanish. I could never recall why I was here.
I only remember feeling a vague sense that there was something I had to do, and mechanically bringing the blade to my wrist.
In that moment, my numb mind would jolt awake, so maybe I cut my wrist simply because I hated that heavy lethargy.
Shlk.
The blade would sink into my wrist, and a strange thrill would vibrate through my entire body. Only then did I feel like I was alive. Maybe that was why I did it.
It was just a repetition.
I’d wake up, swing the blade, and fall asleep again.
One day, after repeating this cycle of waking and sleeping several times, I met a very large person.
For some reason, the sight of this person made my chest tighten, and a warm feeling spread through me, so I just…
“Mom.”
…called out. But the large person kicked me.
It hurt so much, and my stomach felt like it was twisting into knots, but I remember that the warmth I felt whenever our skin touched was truly pleasant.
So after that, I would look for “Mom” every time I woke up. But most days, she wouldn’t appear no matter how long I called, and the room felt so suffocating that I would just fall back asleep.
Sometimes I’d wake up with a scab on my wrist, other times with a bandage still wrapped around it.
On some days, the scabs had all fallen off, leaving only scars.
I would look at the lines drawn across my wrist and try to guess how many times I had come out.
Even as the scars on my wrist surpassed ten, I was still in this study.
By the time they passed fifteen, I was in the living room.
By the time they passed twenty, Mom didn’t come anymore.
When I realized that, I think I cried.
After that, I spent most of my time asleep.
When I next awoke, new, pale skin had grown over the scars. The place where I woke up changed each time—sometimes it was a room, sometimes the living room, and sometimes a bedroom.
I wondered why, but no clear answer came to mind, so I just picked up a blade, wanting to sleep.
From that point on, cutting my wrist no longer jolted my body awake.
I no longer felt that strange thrill vibrating through me.
I wondered why that was. Looking back, I think it was because the reason for the act had disappeared.
No matter how much I hurt myself, there was no one left to notice. I was alone now, so the act had lost its meaning.
That was how I learned about ‘parting.’
That was when I learned how to cry out loud.
I learned an emotion so painful that my insides felt like they were burning up, and fragments of words would spill from my mouth.
Thinking about it now, I think I was angry.
I was so angry about being left alone, and so angry that it would happen again.
I think that’s why I swung the blade.
And so, more time passed.
At some point, my body grew thinner and longer. The doorknob I always had to reach up for was now level with my solar plexus.
I found that a little strange, but nothing else had changed.
I was still here, alone, and my job was to pick up a blade.
I felt a little… no, very, very suffocated.
It felt like I was running through a dark cave, but the direction I was heading wasn't toward the exit, but into a deeper pit.
I was scared.
I felt like this was the wrong path, and I was scared because no one would tell me.
So the days of picking up a blade continued. And around the time another scar had layered over the old ones, so many that I could no longer count them, I found myself staying awake for longer.
I think someone tried to stop me, but I don’t remember it well.
I just… felt like they were trying to tie me down to that spot, so I got scared and ran away.
And while I was running for a long time, I met Honeybee.
I just knew.
It was Honeybee.
It was the Honeybee who gave off a heat so immense and scorching it felt like my skin would melt and my insides would burst.
I was happy.
I was so happy that I wasn't alone anymore that I fought off my drowsiness, wanting to be with Honeybee no matter what.
My mind was a total blur, but I remembered that if I struggled with all my might, my body would move for a little while.
I can’t let us be separated this time.
With that thought, I expressed how much I liked Honeybee with all my strength.
Honeybee was a dummy, so he didn’t get it at first, but when I kept teaching him, he slowly started to listen.
We had a happy time like that for a while, but at some point, a wave of sleepiness I couldn't resist washed over me.
A sudden fear gripped me.
I was scared that if I fell asleep and woke up again, Honeybee would be gone.
For the first time in my life, I was afraid of falling asleep.
I tried my best to fight it, but in the end, I drifted off.
It was a long time before I woke up again. I remember being so happy when I opened my eyes and saw Honeybee right in front of me.
I wasn’t alone anymore.
I was so happy about that, I threw a tantrum.
I threw a tantrum because I wanted to say, This is how much I hurt, so please hold me tight now.
I know now.
That was a ‘bad thing to do.’
Honeybee taught me that it was a ‘bad thing to do.’
It turned out I was the dummy.
Honeybee knew so many things that I didn’t.
Honeybee knew about frogs, and fish, and how to cook meat.
He taught me that when someone hugs you tight, you have to hug them back. He taught me that when we go outside, we have to hold hands tightly so we don’t get separated.
He taught me a way to be less sad if we ever had to part, and today, he taught me how to share sadness.
“…So, it hurt before, but I’m okay now.”
After I finished speaking, I looked at Honeybee, who was making a strange face.
His eyebrows were furrowed in the middle and his eyes were scrunched up as he looked at me.
“Honeybee, are you hurting?”
“…No.”
I tilted my head and looked at him.
He looks like he’s in pain. Is he lying?
As I was thinking that, Honeybee spoke again.
“I’m not hurting. I’m not, and you won’t be either.”
What followed was a warmth that held me tight.
It was a warmth so cozy and big that it always made my heart pound.
I stretched my arms out and wrapped them around Honeybee.
Honeybee gently patted my back and whispered in a small voice.
“…It doesn’t hurt anymore.”
He repeated the same words.
I listened to him for a while, then gave a small nod, my head still buried in his chest.
“Yeah, it doesn’t hurt anymore.”
Because Honeybee is here, it didn’t hurt anymore.
All that time I had been in pain had healed over, like the scars on my wrist. Now, when I thought back on it, all I felt was, ‘That’s just how things were back then.’
I gently pushed away from Honeybee, whom I had been hugging until then, and studied his face as a thought formed.
This must be happiness.
It must be happiness because it doesn’t hurt or feel sad at all.
It must be happiness because I have a whole list of things to do every day, and Honeybee is always by my side.
I recalled a thought I’d had once before.
The ‘Eun-chae’ that Honeybee was always thinking of must be the happiest person in the world.
My gaze fell on Honeybee’s eyes.
I was there, inside his pupils.
Looking at Honeybee, who filled his eyes with me, I came to a belated realization.
“Eun-chae is happy now.”
I was Eun-chae.
The happiest person in the world, the Eun-chae that Honeybee was always thinking of—that was me.
At that realization, my face began to move on its own.
*
Dokyun’s eyes widened as he watched Eun-chae’s expression slowly change.
“Ah…”
An exclamation escaped his lips before he even realized it.
Eun-chae was smiling.
It was a smile so perfectly Eun-chae—pure and unadorned.
A smile like a new bud, clear and bright.
Eun-chae’s hand brushed against Dokyun’s cheek.
“Eun-chae doesn’t hurt anymore. Because Honeybee is here, I’m always happy.”
Feeling the warmth of the hand stroking his cheek, Dokyun’s lips parted.
What should he say? How should he reply?
He mulled it over for a long time, but in the end, unable to choose his words, he decided to convey his own unadorned sincerity, just as Eun-chae had.
He leaned his head forward until their foreheads touched.
A smile bloomed on his lips, prompted by an emotion that was welling up inside him for reasons he didn’t even know.
Dokyun stayed like that for a moment, their foreheads pressed together, before he was finally able to utter a single word.
“Beautiful.”
It wasn’t that her face was pretty, or that her words were pretty.
Of course, those things were true, but what Dokyun found beautiful was Eun-chae’s smile.
It was a smile different from any of the other personalities, different even from Eun-ah’s.
Of all of Eun-ah’s personalities, Eun-chae’s smile was the most beautiful.
“Yep, Eun-chae is beautiful.”
Dokyun let out a soft chuckle as he watched Eun-chae, whose smile only deepened at his words.
A fleeting thought crossed his mind—Is she going to turn into another Eun-ji?—but he figured that might be fun in its own way.
Just then, Eun-chae pulled her forehead away from his. She studied his face for a moment, then laid her words upon a brief silence.
“So, because Eun-chae is so happy now… Honeybee has to take care of the still-sad Eun-ah.”
The words that followed.
Suddenly, a tremor ran through Dokyun’s body.
His eyes instinctively darted to Eun-chae.
His pupils, now tinged with confusion, tried to find the meaning in her words.
What does she mean?
Is she… saying goodbye?
Just as that thought began to squeeze his heart, Eun-chae continued.
“Eun-ah is still so sad. Honeybee has to hold her. Eun-chae will just go to sleep for a little while until then.”
For a little while.
At that, Dokyun felt the tension that had been gripping him melt away like snow. He let out a hollow laugh at his own reaction and looked at Eun-chae.
She was still looking at him with that pure, white smile.
“Honeybee.”
Hearing his name, Dokyun met Eun-chae’s eyes and answered.
“Yeah.”
Eun-chae pressed her lips together for a moment before speaking.
“We’re making sandwiches next time, right?”
As she said it, Dokyun felt her hand tremble slightly in his.
A thought finally occurred to him.
Separate from the fact that Eun-chae had acknowledged herself as an alternate personality, sleep was still a frightening thing for her.
Dokyun felt a complex mix of emotions as he watched Eun-chae, who, despite her fear, was trying to fall asleep for Eun-ah’s sake. He covered her hand with his own and added.
“Let’s make sandwiches, and hamburgers too.”
“Huh?”
“Hamburgers. The bread with lots of meat inside.”
When Dokyun added the explanation and waited for an answer, Eun-chae’s mouth fell open in a little ‘heh’ before she nodded enthusiastically.
He let out another laugh at the sight, then pulled Eun-chae into a tight hug, patting her back and murmuring his thanks.
The words came out on their own, for this praiseworthy girl who had shown such courage and was finally, finally able to look at herself properly.
“Thank you for being so brave.”
A small laugh was her reply.