Chapter 126
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 126
Creeak.
The study door opened.
Dokyun tensed his entire body as he watched Eun-chae.
He was preparing himself for a potential trauma-induced fit.
‘She seems okay for now….’
She looked a little down, but that was it. She showed no signs of anxiety, nor did she reveal any anger. The atmosphere had just grown a little subdued.
Letting out a quiet breath of relief, Dokyun quickly steeled himself again and squeezed Eun-chae’s hand.
It was too soon to let his guard down.
“Alright, the fairy tales are this way.”
Dokyun guided Eun-chae toward the bookshelf filled with children’s books.
Holding his hand, Eun-chae walked slowly, her eyes scanning the shelves. From the top row down, there were books she had already seen several times, and others she had never seen before—ones Dokyun had never shown her.
“…There are so many.”
“You think so?”
Eun-chae glanced at Dokyun, who offered a faint smile, before turning her gaze back to the bookshelf.
After a moment of deliberation, Eun-chae pointed to a copy of The Ugly Duckling tucked in a corner.
“…This one.”
Looking at the book she had pointed to, Dokyun thought, Again? before letting out a small laugh and nodding.
In many ways, she was a child with very firm tastes.
Dokyun reached out, pulled The Ugly Duckling from the shelf, and handed it to her.
“Is there anything else you want to read?”
“Umm….”
She furrowed her brow, lost in thought.
Watching her, Dokyun was quietly surprised at how composed she was. He had expected some kind of reaction since she particularly avoided this room, but aside from seeming a little down, there was nothing out of the ordinary.
Was I wrong?
Just as the thought crossed his mind and he began to relax…
“…Just this one for today.”
Eun-chae gave her answer. She pressed close against him and began pulling him toward the door, making it clear she wanted to leave quickly.
It was only then that a realization belatedly struck Dokyun.
…It’s not that she’s okay.
She was being considerate of me.
Dokyun flinched at the thought, a wave of guilt washing over him as he followed Eun-chae out of the study.
His gaze fell on her face.
She looked slightly uncomfortable, but her expression began to recover the moment they left the room.
…She was hiding it.
She had been suppressing her own feelings because she was worried about me.
Thinking this, Dokyun felt a mix of apology and pride well up inside him. He sat down on the sofa, only to belatedly notice the sour feeling churning in his own stomach.
It was because a sense of self-loathing had begun to bloom as he watched Eun-chae climb onto his lap, open the book to the first page, and hold it out to him.
When had he become so impatient again?
Had his expression been so stern that this child felt she had to walk on eggshells around him?
The thoughts continued to spiral.
Even as he took the book and his lips began to move, reading the words aloud, the thoughts showed no sign of stopping.
He thought he was the one who was supposed to be taking care of her, but what was this situation where he was the one being cared for?
I have to correct this distorted perception.
Wasn't he so focused on that thought that he had failed to see Eun-chae for who she was?
He could guess why she had endured her discomfort.
…Because I taught her that being in pain is a bad thing.
It had to be because he had drilled it into her head that pain and suffering were bad emotions.
Suddenly, he felt his insides tighten.
He had been trying to control Eun-chae, just in a different way than Seo Han-gyeong had.
How was this any different from Seo Han-gyeong, who had done nothing but scold her?
It might have been a leap in logic, but it was a feeling he couldn't ignore.
He was instilling another distorted perception in Eun-chae.
He was burdening her with the obsession that she must always be happy.
He sat there for a long while, lost in grim thoughts. By the time he had finished the book, his heart sank with a heavy thud as he met Eun-chae’s gaze.
Before he knew it, his lips parted.
“…Hey.”
“Hm?”
Dokyun studied Eun-chae’s curious face before speaking again.
“When we went into the study just now, were you feeling bad?”
At his words, Dokyun saw her fingertips flinch and knew he was right.
As his own expression began to crumble, Eun-chae looked at him and, in a flustered rush, quickly spoke.
“No, I wasn’t.”
What do you mean, no?
Watching her check his expression even in a moment like this, Dokyun felt his chest tighten further. He admitted to himself that he had been wrong and knew he had to fix it right now.
He had to correct this now, before he became convinced that his method was the right one.
Dokyun placed the book on the sofa, stroked Eun-chae’s hair, and asked, “Were you worried about me?”
The question hung in the air.
Eun-chae stared at him for a long moment before averting her gaze and nodding slightly.
The words that came out of her mouth shook him to his core.
“Because… if I’m sad, Honeybee gets hurt….”
I made her walk on eggshells. The thought made his fingertips tremble.
Dokyun looked at Eun-chae, who kept her head bowed, unable to meet his eyes. He tried his best to force a smile.
If he showed her such a broken expression, wouldn't it just make her sad?
“Hmm, I think I said things the wrong way.”
As Eun-chae slowly raised her head at his words, Dokyun continued.
“You’re right, if you’re hurting, it makes me sad. But that’s not always a bad thing.”
Eun-chae tilted her head, likely because his words contradicted everything he had told her before.
In that moment, Dokyun realized that what he should have taught her was not ‘sadness is bad,’ but ‘that’s not the right way to deal with sadness.’
“What if… what if, for instance.”
“Yes.”
“What if I was really sad, and really hurting, but I was hiding it from you? How would you feel?”
Eun-chae flinched at his words, her body jolting. She carefully scanned his face and asked, “Honeybee, are you hurting?”
The words came out with a worried frown.
Dokyun let out a soft chuckle and shook his head.
“No, I said ‘what if.’ I’m not hurting right now.”
Only then did her expression finally relax.
Dokyun watched her for a moment before asking again.
“So, how do you think you’d feel?”
At the repeated question, Eun-chae hummed in thought, then looked down at her hands as she spoke.
“…I think I’d be very sad.”
Her lips parted and closed, choosing her words. After a few moments, she continued.
“If Honeybee was hurting and I didn’t know, I think I’d be very, very sad and hurt.”
The words were raw and unadorned.
And that’s why they hit him with such force.
As always, Eun-chae’s words were filled with an unvarnished sincerity that had a way of moving his heart.
Dokyun pulled her into a tight hug, searching for the right words before finally answering.
“I feel the exact same way. If I didn’t know you were hurting, I’d be so sad. And I’d hate myself for being happy all by myself, not even realizing it.”
“That can’t happen….”
“Right, it can’t.”
Dokyun pulled back slightly from the hug, met her eyes, and continued.
“So, for your sake, and for my sake, we have to promise to tell each other whenever one of us is hurting or sad.”
Whenever he tried to explain something like this to Eun-chae, he always found himself choosing his words with extreme care. He was constantly worried about how to phrase things so she would understand his meaning correctly.
What if she misunderstands?
The thought kept surfacing, making him so cautious.
“Being sad isn’t a bad thing. Everyone has moments when they’re sad. It’s just that if you can’t deal with it properly, that’s when it becomes a very bad thing.”
“…I don’t really understand.”
Seeing Eun-chae tilt her head, Dokyun offered a small smile.
“Before I came here, what did you do when you were sad?”
At his question, Eun-chae’s gaze fell to her own wrist.
“…I hurt myself.”
The traces of self-harm, now scars.
Scars that Eun-chae, that Eun-ah, would have to carry for the rest of her life.
Dokyun felt another wave of bitterness wash over him. He gently placed his hand over the scars and asked, “And did the sadness go away?”
“…No.”
Eun-chae shook her head.
Dokyun watched her, then gently caressed the scars on her wrist.
“Then that’s not the right way to resolve sadness, is it?”
“…No.”
“So what is the right way?”
Eun-chae scrunched up her face, thinking hard.
“When you were at your saddest, what did you want?”
Eun-chae’s eyes met his.
The saddest day.
If asked, she would answer without a moment’s hesitation.
That there was never a day she wasn't sad.
That every waking moment was excruciatingly painful and sorrowful.
Again, her gaze turned to Dokyun.
‘What I wanted.’
What I wanted in those moments.
When she thought about it, the answer came with surprising ease.
“…I wanted someone to hold me tight.”
She had wanted someone to hold her so she wouldn't hurt anymore.
She had wanted someone to make her stop.
As she thought this, Honeybee gave her a bright smile and hugged her.
The hand patting her back was so gentle, she felt like all the strength might leave her body.
“That’s right. Sadness isn’t something you resolve alone. You resolve it by being comforted by someone else.”
Honeybee said this, then paused for a moment before continuing.
“Everyone needs someone to comfort them. Sadness is too heavy a burden to carry alone. Someone has to help share the load.”
“…But then the person who receives it will get hurt.”
“It’s okay.”
Honeybee said something else she couldn’t understand.
When I tilted my head, he smiled faintly and continued.
“Because after you help someone with their sadness, after it all passes, something else fills the empty space.”
“Something else?”
“It’s not one specific thing you can point to. What fills the empty space is different for everyone. Sometimes it’s pride, sometimes it’s closeness. And sometimes, it’s love.”
Honeybee stroked my hair and added in a very comforting voice, “That’s how everyone shares each other’s burdens. You take away a little of their sadness, and in its place, you carry their sadness for them, layering happiness over the sorrow.”
His hand covered my wrist again.
“When that happens, you’re not sad anymore. Like the scars here, the sad memories might remain, but they won’t hurt anymore.”
I looked at Honeybee, who was looking at my wrist, and asked, “So if Honeybee is sad, I can take it away for you?”
At my question, Honeybee’s eyes widened. Then he burst out laughing and nodded.
“That’s right. If I’m sad, you have to help me. I’m so heavy that if sadness weighs me down, I can’t move a single step.”
He said this playfully, puffing out his chest in a way that made me want to hit him a little.
I gave a small nod and looked at him.
“Then I’ll carry it for you. So please tell me, Honeybee.”
“Thank you.”
After he said that, a quiet mood settled between us for a moment before Honeybee spoke again.
“But it wouldn’t be fair if I only gave you mine.”
He looked at my wrist again, then met my eyes.
“So… will you give me a little of yours, too?”
My lips parted, but no words came out.
Thoughts raced through my mind. What was I sad about? Would it be too heavy for Honeybee? Would it make him too sad? I thought about it for a long time.
But as I watched Honeybee smiling gently at me, a new thought surfaced. With Honeybee, it would be okay.
“…Okay.”
I gave a small nod.