Chapter 115
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 115
Dokyun finished cleaning up and returned to his room, slumping into a chair with a sigh.
This was an unexpected obstacle.
Eun-chae had zero basic knowledge of how to live, so he had to look after her every little need, and it was far from easy.
It was to be expected. He now had to be mindful of every single detail he’d always taken for granted, like eating or brushing one’s teeth.
Dokyun let out another deep sigh and posed a question to Eun-chae, who was blinking at him.
“What are you doing?”
“Looking at you, Honeybee.”
“…Right.”
Silence followed.
It was a silence born from Dokyun’s inability to figure out what to say next.
He had called her over to talk, but Go Eun-chae didn’t seem to properly grasp the concept of a conversation itself.
The act of verbally exchanging thoughts and opinions on a single topic.
She was a girl who didn’t know how to do that.
It was easy enough to guess why.
She’s never done it before.
The thought made his stomach clench. Gritting his teeth, Dokyun crossed his arms, leaned back against his chair, and spoke.
“It’s late, so go to sleep for today. We can talk tomorrow.”
“Sleep?”
“Yeah, sleep.”
“Okay.”
As she said that, she stuck her tongue straight out.
I told her to sleep, so why is she sticking her tongue out? The thought had barely crossed his mind when, a beat too late, Dokyun realized what her action meant. He quickly shot his hand out and covered Eun-chae’s mouth.
“Hey!”
“Mmph….”
Feeling his heart pound, Dokyun let out a short breath.
Why was she trying to self-harm just because he told her to sleep? With that thought, he glared hard at Eun-chae before removing his hand. Tilting her head, Eun-chae spoke.
“I have to sleep.”
“What?”
“To sleep, I have to do a good deed.”
He froze.
Dokyun’s hand, which had been hovering near her chin, stopped in mid-air. A moment later, realization dawned.
The sleep he was thinking of and the sleep she was thinking of might be two different things.
She’s never once slept normally.
To her, the word “sleep” must mean relinquishing control of her body and sinking into the unconscious. And to sink, she had to self-harm.
In a way, her action felt inevitable. In her own mind, she had been trying to self-harm in order to fall asleep.
Letting out a long sigh at the thought, Dokyun’s expression crumpled, and he spoke in a tone thick with frustration.
“No, you can sleep without doing a good deed.”
“Huh?”
Her gaze was vacant.
It was the same purity that had once made Dokyun feel fear. Transparent eyes, without a single speck of malice.
Looking at her, Dokyun understood the source of the disconnect he felt from her actions.
It was a disconnect born from ignorance.
Because she knew nothing, because she didn’t know what was right, she acted on instinct, creating a gap between her words and her actions.
To sleep, I have to self-harm. I have to feel pain in their place.
It was utter nonsense, but because she didn’t recognize it as wrong, she did such things without any ill intent.
Another realization washed over him.
With it, Dokyun found that the more he understood the cause and effect, the more he pitied her.
His expression darkened. His fingertips twitched.
As he stared at Eun-chae with a frown, she opened her mouth.
“Are you hurting, Honeybee?”
“…I’m not.”
She had asked that same question several times today alone. In that instant, Dokyun realized how she would react if he answered.
She would probably self-harm.
Believing that he shouldn’t be in pain, she would undoubtedly have a fit, insisting she would hurt in his place.
Not that it would make his own pain disappear, but that was something Eun-chae wouldn’t know.
In her mind, it was a simple fact: if she hurt in his place, he would no longer hurt.
Dokyun moved his twitching fingers to cover her eyes, gently closing her eyelids, and parted his lips to speak softly.
“Close your eyes and relax your body.”
How does one sleep? How does one fall asleep? It was something Dokyun had never once had to think about.
Because it was a given. Because sleeping was the most natural thing in the world. He’d never once considered the method.
But now was the time he had to.
Watching her go limp and close her eyes as he instructed, Dokyun spoke again.
“Don’t think. Just try to empty your head. You’ll fall asleep then.”
He added bits and pieces of advice, reflecting on what he usually did to fall asleep himself.
Eun-chae was surprisingly compliant. She obediently entrusted her body to his words.
“If it’s really hard, try focusing on your breathing. Your mind will go blank after a while. Just let your body go with that feeling.”
He continued speaking in a low, gentle voice.
After talking for some time, Eun-chae suddenly opened her eyes and spoke.
“Honeybee.”
“What is it?”
“How do you not think?”
“…Huh?”
The sudden question left Dokyun feeling flustered.
How do you not think? You just… don’t think, right?
As he tilted his head at the thought, Eun-chae continued.
“The thought of trying not to think is still a thought, so to not have that thought, don’t I have to think about not thinking about trying not to think?”
Her words made Dokyun’s head spin.
It was the longest sentence Eun-chae had ever strung together in his presence.
But more than that, the meaning of her words struck first, throwing his mind into disarray.
“Well…”
He was at a loss for words.
The more he heard it, the more it made sense. When you thought about it, wasn’t trying not to think still a thought? Wasn’t it a conscious action? Wasn’t it the act of engraving the sentence ‘I must not think about anything’ into your mind?
“Uh…”
Dokyun felt his mind growing complicated.
If that was the case, then how exactly does one not think? You had to push down your consciousness and let your subconsciousness float up, but if you performed a series of actions to do so, you would become aware of the intention behind those actions, which would ultimately mean you were still thinking.
“Hmm…”
A sharp pain shot through his temples.
How do you not think?
A question suddenly surfaced.
As his thoughts deepened, the topic began to set foot in the realm of philosophy inside Dokyun’s mind.
What is thought? What is cognition? How does one define it, and how does one control it?
The questions deepened. Just as Dokyun’s expression was growing serious, Eun-chae spoke once more.
“Are you hurting, Honeybee?”
“Huh? Ah, no, I’m not.”
Her sudden words snapped Dokyun back to his senses.
What was I just thinking about?
Dokyun tried to recall what had been on his mind just a moment ago, but he couldn't quite grasp it and tilted his head.
It was probably nothing important, he thought, shaking his head to clear the stray thoughts before looking back at Eun-chae.
Eun-chae’s eyes blinked slowly. Her head tilted slightly to the side.
…How do I get her to sleep?
If she were tired, she would eventually fall asleep on her own, but she didn't look tired at all. That meant he had to make her sleep by force.
But he couldn’t think of a way.
As he continued to ponder, a single idea flashed through his mind, and he latched onto it.
A lullaby?
Should he try singing one for her?
With that thought, Dokyun turned his gaze toward Eun-chae, who had been staring blankly at him.
“Should I sing you a song?”
“A song?”
Ah, she probably doesn’t know what a song is either.
Quickly accepting this, Dokyun nodded and sat on the edge of the bed.
“It’s called a lullaby. It’s something you sing to help someone sleep.”
Seeing Eun-chae tilt her head at his words, Dokyun let out a deep sigh, placed a hand on her shoulder, and cleared his throat.
He’d have her know, his high school nickname was the ‘Singing Sword Saint.’
In other words, he was confident in his singing.
A grin spread across his face. Dokyun cleared his throat with a “Ahem, hem,” and then began to sing the lullaby.
“Sleep well, my baby~ In the front yard and the back hill~.”
Befitting the purpose of a lullaby, Dokyun sang in a soft, gentle voice, patting Eun-chae’s shoulder.
It had been a long time since he’d last sung, so his voice trembled a little, but he figured it was still decent enough to listen to and continued his song.
He was almost finished with the first verse when—
“Honeybee.”
Eun-chae spoke.
Dokyun, who had closed his eyes, lost in his own singing, stopped and looked at her.
Opening his eyes, he saw Eun-chae looking at him with an expression he’d never seen before—a slight frown. He tilted his head and replied.
“Yeah?”
“It’s distracting.”
A jolt went through him.
His body trembled.
This little brat.
Feeling a surge of indignation, Dokyun began to glare.
He went out of his way to sing for her, and she calls it distracting? And besides, he thought he sang pretty well, so how could it possibly be distracting?
As he was glaring at Eun-chae, overcome with a sense of injustice, her next words made him clamp his mouth shut.
“Your voice is weird.”
A direct slight against his skills.
Dokyun felt a wave of gloom wash over him.
In truth, there was something Dokyun didn’t know. The nickname his school friends had given him, the ‘Singing Sword Saint,’ was unequivocally meant as mockery.
…It was a truth Dokyun would never know for the rest of his life.
*
Honeybee was at the edge of the bed with his eyes closed.
Haa, haa. His breaths touched my skin. I could feel his heat. My chest started to flutter again.
I felt like I had to get more of that heat somehow, so I stretched my neck out, but my body was tied up, so it wasn’t easy to reach.
So I twisted my whole body, and after squirming like that for a long time, I managed to move a little closer to where Honeybee was.
I stretched my neck toward Honeybee one more time.
“Ah.”
My skin finally touched his.
Honeybee’s body was so hot that just pressing my cheek against him like this made me feel warm inside.
The warmth filled me up, and my heart started to pound.
When I pressed my cheek against his like this, Honeybee’s breath would touch my neck, and I liked that.
Even Honeybee’s breath was hot like this, warming my neck.
I savored the feeling for a long time, then lowered my head further and buried my nose in the crook of Honeybee’s neck.
“Sniff—”
The heat spread across my whole face, and Honeybee’s scent seeped into me.
He smelled warm. A little ticklish, and also a little sad.
This wasn’t enough to satisfy me. I needed a little more. Honeybee is a bad boy, so he only gives me a little bit of his scent at a time.
I have to punish him.
My body wouldn’t move. Honeybee was a really bad boy who didn’t even like being punished.
I’ll have to punish him later for sure. As I was thinking that, I started to feel dazed, so I just closed my eyes.
I could feel a pulse from Honeybee’s neck. I could smell his scent. And his warmth was there too, so the part of my face touching him grew warm.
I felt the strength leave my body. I started to feel drowsy and a little dazed.
I want to stay like this all day. Honeybee is a bad boy, but I still wanted to stay like this.
I thought back on the day.
I really liked it when Honeybee held my hand. I liked it when he wiped my face, and I liked it when he patted my shoulder, too.
It was distracting when he talked to himself about weird things, but I liked that he stopped right away when I told him to.
As I kept sniffing his scent, the dazed feeling grew until I couldn’t stand it anymore.
And then, I realized what Honeybee had been talking about.
Ah, so this is what it feels like to get sleepy.
If I close my eyes now, I’ll fall asleep.
It was a strange feeling. I was so hazy that my thoughts wouldn’t connect, and my body just kept going limp.
Suddenly, I felt scared. A feeling like I would sink deep down and disappear.
So I tried to open my eyes wide, but when I came to my senses, they were already closed.
I forced my eyes open, shifted my gaze, and looked at Honeybee.
He breathed in and then out again, his eyes closed. He looked so peaceful.
Watching him made me feel peaceful inside again. It felt like it would be okay to just close my eyes like this.
Because it’s so warm, and so cozy.
…I won’t disappear.
I’ll be able to wake up again.