A Loner's Disqualification as a Human (3)
“Seriously… I get the situation… but still, do you have to barge in like that?!”
“Agh!”
Sis raised her voice and lightly flicked my forehead. My head was already injured, so the pain shot straight through the wound like electricity.
Sis belatedly realized I'd hurt my head and panicked, hurriedly soothing me with apologies.
[I'm really scared, okay? It's my first time feeling like this as a girl, and there wasn't even a hint of it for a whole year.]
“…Well, you're a guy going through puberty… it'd be weirder if you felt nothing.”
The consultation had turned into something embarrassingly intimate, but for some reason, Sis stayed calm. She even nodded understandingly, which made me—the one who'd asked for advice—the one dying of shame.
“If that's the case, can't you just close your eyes and take care of it? It's proof you're healthy.”
“Ughhh!!!!!!”
I couldn't even look straight at Sis's face as she openly questioned why I was agonizing over something like this.
“Masturbating is totally normal, right? I do it about once a week too……”
“Eek?!”
I reflexively grimaced, wondering if I'd misheard.
I'd expected her to gloss over it, but Sis casually revealed her own private habits.
“……What's with that face! You're the one who asked first! This is embarrassing for me too!!”
“Agh!! Ack!!!”
Sis's face flushed bright red as she grabbed me and locked me in a tight headlock. I flailed desperately in her arms, gasping for air.
Finally coming to her senses, Sis cleared her throat a few times and sat me back in the chair.
We stared awkwardly at each other before she put on a stern expression and explained firmly.
“Listen up. You're overthinking it because your gender changed, but forget boy or girl—you're still the same person!”
[But it scares me when I think about it.]
“What's scary about it! You did it plenty when you were a guy!”
[How do you know that?!]
“You lock the door and secretly empty the trash later—who wouldn't suspect?!”
“Aghhh!!!”
I had no comeback to her spot-on observation.
“Anyway, enough with the self-loathing. Holding it in just builds up stress, so hide somewhere and handle it yourself! God… what am I even doing, advising my little brother……”
With that, Sis stood up, signaling the end of the consultation. I desperately grabbed the hem of her clothes as she headed for the door.
“What?”
[Leaving already? You're not staying in my room tonight?]
“You always throw a fit telling me to get out.”
[How am I supposed to act as a girl?]
“Wha?! A-Ask what you need to ask!!”
“Ack!”
Sis's face turned beet red as she smacked my right hand with her palm. A sharp smack echoed, and a stinging sensation spread through the hand holding the whiteboard.
“U-Ugh……”
“What's with that look on your face?”
I slowly turned at Park Seongjun's worried voice from beside me. My body felt limp, my face blank and soulless, lips twitching as I met his eyes.
The languid sensation throughout my body dulled my mind too, so staring at someone elicited no emotion whatsoever.
Oh no… I'm in trouble… so sleepy….
[I'm fiiine, don't worry.]
“I can't make out a word of that.”
“You two over there… mind focusing on class?”
[Sorryyyy, Dad.]
“……Sua? You seem half-asleep.”
“Heh… heheh… hehehet….”
Of all timings, it had to be Dad's English class when I was this drowsy….
I scribbled messily on the whiteboard—barely legible—and wobbled as I held it out. Dad scratched the back of his head awkwardly.
My forehead had been stitched up just last night, so he couldn't bring himself to scold me properly, seeing me stand there all dazed and unsteady. He just looked troubled.
[Dad, I had a bad headache last night, so I didn’t get much sleep. Sorry. I’ll pay attention.]
“Hmm… you sure you're okay?”
I could tell Dad had a lot he wanted to say but was holding back.
“Whoa… using English so casually…”
“She's quarter British, remember? Of course she's good at it.”
“Jealous… bet she aces English without trying…”
Whispers from classmates drifted over. They were misunderstanding—I wasn't some study whiz, and while Grandma's influence let me handle everyday English, my test scores weren't great.
Anyway, last night had been full of worries keeping me up. Thankfully, no more surges of lust after that, but lingering concerns still gnawed at me, leading to a sleepless night.
Sis's advice—not to hate myself since it's natural—had lightened my heart, but I couldn't shake the anxiety that my body might twitch at the slightest trigger, leaving my nerves frayed.
“Next is PE, right…? Please don't push yourself.”
The bell rang for break as Dad voiced his concern.
“Sua! Let's go change!”
“Eek?!”
I was rushing out with my gym clothes when a group of girls blocked my path, hands outstretched like they'd been waiting.
I usually fled to the staff bathroom for PE changes, but sleep deprivation made it hard to shake them off this time.
“Let's walk together sometimes and chat!”
“Yeah! I wanna get closer, but you kinda… put up a wall with us.”
“If it's social anxiety, I'll help!”
They crowded around, offering sweet words about treating my phobia. Their voices echoed in my head.
Did gym clothes require group changing? But the girls wouldn't let me go.
Then I recalled Sis's warning before school once:
“Girls stick together? From bathrooms to changing……”
[Huh? What? Even that?]
“That's normal for groups… means they excel at trash-talking someone behind their back too.”
[Girls are scary.]
Experiencing it now, Sis hadn't lied. To me, girls' social circles were just uncomfortable spaces I couldn't join carefree.
“Alright, let's go!”
“Eep!!”
Grabbed by the girls, I squeezed my throat trying to write something, but the sudden chaos left no chance.
Like livestock to the slaughter, I was dragged to the girls' locker room without resisting.
“No stream last night? You were sick?”
“I've been catching up on your sister's broadcasts lately.”
“She's so popular! The forums are blowing up asking when she'll guest.”
The girls' relentless questions continued. The issue? They casually unbuttoned uniforms and stripped without hesitation right in front of me.
“E-Eh…!”
I panicked. I wanted to bolt, but fending off their constant questions and clinginess was tough.
Girls were touchy-feely with same-sex friends they wanted to bond with. The ones who knew my situation from yesterday's polite plea avoided overt contact.
Still, nowhere to look—it was plenty disorienting.
I'd been a boy. Seeing this felt worlds apart from glancing indifferently at Sis in her underwear.
Strangers, so unfamiliar. And these girls approaching with distance yet conversation—it was too stimulating for me.
Ah… the old male Kim Sua inside is noticing this situation again.
“U-Ugh….”
My body itched. I'd tried ignoring it, but now it reacted honestly.
“Sua? You okay? Hurt somewhere?”
“U-Ughhh!!!!”
I groaned in unbearable agony and bolted from the locker room.
‘Boys and girls are the same person. Holding back just stresses you out more?’
Sis's advice from last night flashed as I ran to the bathroom.
‘Hide and handle it yourself!’
Each word pressed on me like a command now.
‘Ch-Change quick and move around….’
Maybe exercise would clear useless thoughts? I dashed into my usual staff bathroom, swapped to gym clothes without thinking.
Even if natural, I didn't want those feelings toward classmates.
A former boy giving in to desire there? That was criminal.
If the girls learned I was originally male… they'd despise me.
‘It's fine. No—it has to be fine.’
Changed, I deep-breathed repeatedly. My body still itched, heat rising from within.
To cool my head, I stood at the sink and quietly turned on cold water.
“Ah……”
I dazedly watched it fill for seconds, then unconsciously looked up—meeting my reflection's eyes.
The other me in the mirror looked pained, cheeks flushed, body trembling faintly.
‘What… this is totally….’
My legs buckled instinctively. Aah, I couldn't hold back anymore.
Even my reflection felt stimulating now. I swallowed dryly.
Sensing mounting tension and my patience's limit, I quietly entered a stall and locked the door.
Unable to conquer one mere desire, giving in—I realized anew what a high-maintenance existence I was, truly deserving the label of human disqualification.
That's how I, now a girl, had become…….