I'd Rather Die Than Say It
Eventually we were due to return to the battlefield. I took the chance to shower while I was in the bathroom and stepped out. There stood Eryk, waiting on his knees.
“...If you tell me what I’ve done so wrong, I’ll correct it.”
“......”
“Tell me.”
Eryk stared at me as he spoke. I simply looked back at him with a perfectly blank expression.
...How on earth am I supposed to say it?
How could I possibly tell him I was sulking because he hadn’t slept with me? Only after I’d come back to my senses did I realize the true reason: he had stopped right before we could finish. In the end, I was burning with the need to be held by him.
And he expected me to say that out loud?
“...I’d rather die. I’d rather die than say it.”
“...What in the world does that mean?”
“I don’t know. You should have done better.”
“......”
Even though I had dropped the formal speech, Eryk said nothing. He simply gazed at me with a bewildered look in his eyes.
“...Never mind. Please pack your things, sir.”
“Valentine, wait.”
Eryk caught my wrist. I turned and glared at him with murder in my eyes.
“Major.”
“...What?”
“Address me as Major, Lieutenant Colonel.”
“Hah.”
Eryk gripped my shoulders as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. He held me firmly, his face tinged with sadness as he looked at me.
“I truly don’t understand why you’re acting this way.”
“...Please stop.”
“......”
I could never tell him. The moment I did, I would turn into nothing more than a pervert.
Absolutely not.
If he ever learned that I had asked for time and then spent it writhing in frustration because I couldn’t go through with it, that would be the end. Our relationship would be over that very day.
“Even if you tortured me, I still wouldn’t say it.”
It felt as if my heart were being ripped apart. I wasn’t doing this because I hated Eryk. I was doing it because I liked him far too much. His expression only grew darker.
“...Are you hiding something from me?”
“No, sir. There is nothing.”
His eyes had shifted into the cold gaze of an interrogator examining a criminal. He asked again if I was hiding anything.
“...There really isn’t.”
“...!!”
The moment I said it and my face flushed red, Eryk’s eyes widened.
“Major, you’re cuter than I expected.”
“......”
He let out a small laugh and ruffled my hair wildly.
“S-stop that…! What do you think you’re doing!”
“Why? Were you afraid I’d hit you again? How much do you think I’ve actually hit you?”
As he spoke, Eryk pulled me onto his lap.
“So you’re really not going to tell me why you’re sulking?”
He whispered the words while looking down at me. I turned my eyes away and mumbled.
“I… need some time.”
“......”
Eryk said he understood and kept stroking me gently.
“How exactly should I pet your head to make you feel better?”
“...Stop it.”
“Then shall I touch your ears?”
“......That’s even worse.”
When I frowned, Eryk burst out laughing and pulled me into a tight embrace.
“Haa… You’re so warm. It feels good.”
“Is my body warm to you?”
“Yes.”
A vampire’s body should be cold. I couldn’t understand what he was talking about.
“...You’re a little fluffy, you know. I said it because your hair is so soft.”
“Ah……”
He buried his nose in my hair and inhaled. It was so perverted I nearly lost all affection for him.
Still, we shared one last deep embrace before returning to war. After all, we wouldn’t be able to do even this on the battlefield. Commanding separate battalions meant we would rarely see each other, and even if we did meet, it would most likely be in the middle of combat.
“...Why did you send me somewhere else?”
I grumbled at the thought of not being able to see him. Eryk pinched my cheek and answered.
“Because back then I hated you. I couldn’t stand the sight of you.”
“...How can you say something like that?”
Just as the words were about to wound me, Eryk patted me gently and continued.
“...Now that I see how lovable you are, I don’t know how I ever felt that way.”
“...!!”
“I’m sorry.”
Eryk apologized with sincere regret. I could only stare at him, stunned.
“Until when are we going to keep our relationship a secret?”
“...Until the war ends, of course.”
“......”
Eryk murmured, “I see,” and nodded.
Come to think of it, I wondered if there was anything left to hide, so I asked him.
“Besides, it’s not as if we’re in any special relationship, is it?”
“That’s… true. Hm.”
“...If you say you’ll confess after the war ends, you might really end up dead by my hand.”
Eryk flinched in surprise and looked at me.
“...Was it that obvious?”
“Yes.”
“If I confessed, would you accept me?”
The sudden question made me let out a dry laugh.
“Not at the moment. I have no intention of accepting.”
I did love him. Madly. To the point I couldn’t live without him.
“...Now that I’ve become aware of these feelings, if we developed into lovers…”
“Then what?”
“Wouldn’t the chances of either me or the Lieutenant Colonel dying on the battlefield increase?”
On the battlefield, a lover was both a sturdy support and an enormous obstacle. If your lover were taken hostage, you would lose your mind and walk straight into a trap. Eryk might be different, but I knew I would definitely fall for it.
It might be meaningless, but it was a safety measure for his sake.
“...If we aren’t lovers, we’d simply remain in a relationship of hatred. Would we really fall for a trap then?”
“......”
“I’m sorry. Even though I love you so much, please remain someone I hate at the same time.”
When I finished, Eryk stroked my head with a bitter smile.
“When we reach the battlefield… you want me to treat you the way I used to?”
“......”
“Like before?”
“...Yes.”
Eryk’s face twisted in pain.
“Do you think I can actually do that?”
“...As long as you don’t hurt me.”
“How?”
“...By meeting me secretly in the evenings, for example.”
At that, the darkness in Eryk’s expression lifted for a brief moment.
“I will definitely do that.”
I looked up at him, nodded, and made one final request.
“Lieutenant Colonel.”
“What is it?”
“...Even if I were kidnapped, even if those men did terrible things to me there, please do not sacrifice the soldiers to rescue me.”
“......”
“Of course that won’t happen, but still.”
Eryk frowned deeply.
“...Such a thing will never happen.”
“I know. I only said it just in case.”
He glared at me with clear irritation.
“You always have such a troublesome mouth.”
“I’m sorry. Did it make you uncomfortable?”
“Yes. Extremely unpleasant.”
“......”
I gazed at his frowning face for a moment, then gave him a light kiss.
“...!!”
“...Please don’t be angry. I’ll receive enough of that on the battlefield…….”
I pleaded with tearful eyes. Hatred was something I could endure on the battlefield. Right now I simply liked him so much I didn’t know what to do with myself. If I saw him angry at me in this state, I wouldn’t know where to put my body.
Eryk panicked and quickly apologized.
“It’s all right……”
“Don’t cry.”
“Understood.”
Instead of crying, I hugged him tightly. He hugged me back just as fiercely. His embrace carried the warm, gentle scent of kindness.
Time passed, and we boarded the carriage. Since Her Majesty the Empress had come out to see us off in person, we couldn’t act affectionate in front of her.
“Thank you both for your continued hard work. The support troops have already been dispatched.”
The reward for passing the test had been granted: restored supply lines and reinforcements. For the time being, we could breathe a little easier.
“Thank you, Your Majesty.”
“It’s quite all right, Valentine.”
The Empress laughed brightly, suggesting we have a tea party together next time. I forced a nod as I watched her.
Eryk chuckled softly, apparently amused by my stiff expression. In that moment the carriage began to move. It rattled along as the capital grew smaller in the distance. With the coachman seated right in front of us, we couldn’t do anything improper, but—
“...It’s still fine for now.”
“Valentine, if you keep this up… it’s going to be difficult for me.”
“Just once is enough.”
I rose from my seat and settled onto Eryk’s lap. He panicked, completely flustered. I paid it no mind and simply smiled at him.
“Lieutenant Colonel… may I drink some blood on the way?”
“......”
“...At this point, I feel like I’ll go insane if it isn’t yours.”
I spoke honestly, breathing hard against the side of his neck before pressing my lips there.
“M-Major, stop…!”
“Haa… chup……”
“Ugh……”
“Hehe, does it tickle?”
When I asked, Eryk scowled and told me to stop playing around. Startled, I timidly slid off his lap and sat beside him instead.
“...It wasn’t a joke.”
“......”
“......I really will go crazy if it isn’t your blood now.”
Of course, saying that had granted him a permanent free pass to my blood privileges. Soothing a sulky lieutenant colonel turned out to be far too easy.
“...I love you, Valentine.”
“We’re not in a relationship where you can say things like that, are we?”
“It seems you don’t love me after all.”
“Eek……”
That wasn’t true. When I told him so, Eryk looked positively delighted.
“You’re adorable.”
“...!!”
“Drink plenty of my blood from now on and grow strong. I can give it to you every single day, so please, drink.”
It was almost comical to hear the same man who once complained about me drinking his blood now offering it so willingly.
“...My growth period is already over, so I won’t grow any taller.”
Eryk stared at me blankly. I looked up at him and whispered.
“I believe that you, Lieutenant Colonel… will still like me and this body of mine.”
At those words, Eryk’s restraint finally shattered. He captured my lips with his own. For the remainder of the journey to the battlefield, we lost ourselves in kisses so many times I lost count.