I Need Time
I need time. But Eryk wouldn't let go, his arms wrapped tightly around me.
"Hah... W-wait, Eryk."
"Shut up."
With those words, Eryk kissed me without giving me the slightest chance to breathe.
"...W-wait a minute!!"
It was terrifying. It felt like I was being devoured by him. That's why I shoved against his chest, and only then did Eryk seem to regain some composure. He stared at me, breathing hard.
"Eryk... stop. Please stop."
"......"
"I hate you."
When I said that, Eryk let out a scornful laugh and seized my wrist.
"I hate you too, Valentine."
"Ugh... my wrist, it hurts...!"
"Yet if you hate me so much, why is your hand resting on my waist?"
As he spoke, Eryk gripped my chin and tilted it upward, his question hanging in the air.
"T-that's...!!"
"Be quiet, you filthy vampire bitch."
"...!!"
Bang!
Eryk threw me roughly onto the bed, then stroked my hair.
"Eryk......"
"You should speak formally. I'm older and higher in rank."
As he said this, Eryk pinched my cheek gently, without causing pain. Looking at him, I felt my heart hammer violently in my chest.
...No matter how hard I try to hate him, I just can't.
I couldn't hate him. Once I'd recognized my own feelings, there was no turning back.
"Lieutenant Colonel......"
So I yielded to his words and reached out to him with a desperate hand.
"Please. Kiss me."
The sight of me saying it with tears pooling in my eyes must have been quite the provocation. Eryk's face flushed, his eyes flickering with confusion. I pulled his neck down toward me.
"Please... I'm begging you."
At this point, it felt like I would fall apart without him. My mind was hazy, yet even in that fog, I could only see Eryk.
"Hurry... hurry up."
When I urged him, Eryk shed his flustered expression and pressed his lips to mine. His scent washed over me—a tender fragrance I couldn't reconcile with how coldly he treated me. As that scent filled me, something deep inside stirred and writhed.
"Hah...!"
I broke the kiss, gasping for air, and a thin strand of saliva stretched between us. What on earth was I doing? It was utterly repulsive. The moment I looked at Eryk's face, rage boiled up. That furrowed brow of his displeased me to no end.
"Can't you... smooth your expression for me?"
I asked in a docile tone. It was clearly nothing like my usual self, but I no longer cared what happened. When I asked, Eryk leaned close to my neck and whispered.
"Why? You said this was better. Didn't you beg me to make one for you?"
"T-that was...!"
That had been a request made when I wasn't in my right mind.
"......"
"Why aren't you saying anything?"
He knew everything. He was deliberately making that face just to torment me. Hatred flared again at the realization. But if I showed anger here, wouldn't Eryk end up hating me? The thought crept in unbidden.
"Ahh... please..."
"There's not a trace of military discipline in your tone."
As he spoke, Eryk tugged at my cheek. With his face still twisted, he addressed me again.
"Hurry up and apologize."
"Y-yes...?"
"...Why were you holding a knife?"
His expression was completely warped. Even while claiming to despise me, his first concern was my well-being. The contradiction sparked fresh irritation. If he kept confusing me like this—knowing exactly how I felt and still acting this way—
...I don't know what I'm supposed to do anymore.
"...I was trying to harm myself."
"......"
"I'm sorry... for trying to hurt myself without permission."
"...It's fine. Don't do it again."
Saying so, Eryk pulled me by the arm.
"...Valentine, I hate you so much."
"......"
"You're repulsive. Just looking at you makes me sick to my stomach."
"...Stop. Please, just stop."
Eryk was pouring out his true feelings. The pain of it was unbearable. I already knew, but hearing it from his own mouth made it impossible to endure.
"...And yet, despite all that, I like you."
"...!!"
"I love you, Valentine."
As he spoke, Eryk cradled the back of my head and kissed me.
"Mmph...!! Mmmph!"
I pulled him closer with even greater force. Having received my consent, Eryk continued with commanding intensity. Everything after he pinned me down is a blur.
Before the audience with the Empress, I have no idea how many tears I shed. It hurt. It was exhausting. I was angry. I was in agony. It felt as if every bone in my body was being crushed. It was the first time I truly understood how powerless a vampire could become in front of a human.
How much time had passed? When Eryk finally collapsed on top of me, spent, I came back to my senses and headed straight for the shower.
"Ow..."
Walking down the corridor, the sticky discomfort refused to fade. My pelvis ached as if the bones had fractured. With every step, a sharp throb pulsed through my lower abdomen.
"......"
"L-Lieutenant Colonel... let's go together."
I called out to him, frowning. Eryk approached my side, visibly flustered.
"...My lower belly hurts... hiss."
"...!!"
"Do you at least feel guilty?"
Every time I spoke, Eryk reacted strangely, watching me. Perhaps out of remorse, he couldn't even frown when I addressed him. Instead, his face was etched with guilt. I stared blankly up at him for a moment before speaking.
"...It's unlikely to happen."
"What...?"
"Vampires and humans have vastly different genetics, after all."
Half-Vampires appeared on rare occasions, but it was better if they weren't born at all. There was no need to subject a child to hell. They would surely be scorned as carrying dirty vampire blood. They would live their lives enduring every kind of pain imaginable. The chances were low, but it seemed wiser to pray it never happened—for our sakes and the child's.
I grimaced and swallowed the wave of nausea rising in my throat. Vomiting in front of Eryk would only hurt him.
"...Next time, I will ensure nothing like this happens between us, Lieutenant Colonel."
While showering, my thoughts had crystallized. This kind of thing should never happen again. It was dangerous for both of us. I liked Eryk, but... I resolved to nurture my hatred even more. There was nothing good about a relationship where we liked each other.
"......"
"Let's pretend this never happened."
When I looked up at him with a perfectly blank expression, Eryk opened and closed his mouth before his face crumpled into a frown.
"...Is there a problem?"
"...Major, you......"
"...?"
"Sigh......"
Eryk turned his head as if swallowing back harsh words. I continued staring up at him with that same emotionless face.
"So that's the part you hate."
"...I see."
My expressionless face and detached tone. It was different from the blatant, extreme disgust he'd shown before, yet it cut deeper into my chest. To think a single word of hatred could be this terrifying.
"Why are you always so arbitrary? Is this also the fault of that disgusting race of yours?"
"I'm sor—"
"No, don't apologize."
"...?"
Eryk grabbed my wrist as he spoke.
"That's not what I meant."
"Then what exactly are you doing?"
"...It means I want us to discuss things together."
As he said it, Eryk's expression softened. It was infuriating, yet the moment his face relaxed, my own heart eased in response.
"......"
"Is asking to discuss things with me really that difficult for you?"
Eryk asked with a serious look. Thump. Thump. Thump. I didn't show it, but my heart was racing wildly at his words. Thankfully, his steady expression suggested I'd managed to keep my own face blank.
...I really have gone mad.
The man I once hated so fiercely was holding my hand right now, and it didn't bother me at all.
"No matter how much I hate and detest you, that doesn't mean I would refuse to take responsibility."
"...I know. You're not that kind of person."
"......"
When I answered, Eryk leaned in as if to embrace me. But I pushed him away.
"...We're not at that stage yet, are we?"
Eryk froze at my words.
"......"
"......"
A brief silence fell. I was the one who broke it.
"...Please give me some time."
"Time?"
"Time to let go of my ill feelings toward you, Lieutenant Colonel. Time to accept you without any confusion... that's what I mean."
It was embarrassing. I felt like my face might burst into flames. Eryk nodded in understanding.
"...I'll try not to hate you either."
"......"
I didn't understand why those words filled me with such joy.
"Let's go."
My heart raced madly with excitement, but I showed none of it on the surface. Eryk nodded with an expressionless face and stood up.
"...Won't you hold my hand?"
"...!?"
My question clearly caught him off guard. I'd only meant it as a tease, and his reaction was amusing. He looked so startled that I was about to tell him I was joking when—
Grab!
"...!!!"
"...Let's go."
Eryk clasped my hand tightly. It didn't feel unpleasant, so I simply lowered my head without resisting. As we headed toward the audience chamber, something I absolutely needed to say crossed my mind. I tugged on his arm twice and called out.
"Lieutenant Colonel."
"What is it?"
"...Next time, please wait until I'm prepared too."
"...!!!"
When I whispered it, Eryk—who had been walking without meeting my eyes—turned to me with a shocked expression.
"...B-but didn't you scream that it felt good?"
"...I thought I was going to die from the pain. It was my first time, after all."
"I'm sorry..."
His face was clouded with guilt. I tried not to look at it as I continued.
"...You're too much."
It felt like the tears might come flooding out at any moment.