I Won't Let You Die
Watching Won Ji-an walk toward the stage, I couldn't find a single word to say.
"Ji-an's in tenth?"
"How far did he drop?"
"He was second last time."
Shocked reactions and murmuring voices rose from the trainees around me. It was only natural. Nobody had expected Won Ji-an's name to be called now.
Won Ji-an in tenth?
Won Ji-an, who had placed second at the first ranking announcement, had fallen outside the debut lineup. Had any top-ranking trainee ever dropped this far — and with no incident, no scandal, nothing at all?
Is this the misfortune narrative at work too?
The moment the thought formed, my mind went blank, as if someone had wiped it clean. Won Ji-an's misfortune narrative had arrived in the most horrific way possible. A ranking drop with no reason behind it. Misfortune reduced to nothing but a number on a chart. I didn't even know how to overcome it — which meant all I could do was sit and watch his rank keep falling, never knowing why.
"Hah..."
I couldn't breathe. This hadn't been by my own will, but I'd tried to offload my misfortune narrative all the same, and Won Ji-an had ended up shouldering it in my place. Was this the price of trying to dump it onto someone else? The thought wouldn't leave me. I felt like I was coming unhinged.
"Uh, first of all..."
Won Ji-an stood on the platform and lifted the microphone to give his remarks. The hand holding the mic was shaking.
"I'd be lying if I said I wasn't upset that my rank dropped, but I still want to say thank you just for giving me the chance to perform on the next stage."
I didn't know what expression I was supposed to wear looking at him, so I dropped my head. He was saying thank you? At a time like this?
If he doesn't debut, he dies.
Not just dies. He gets erased from this world entirely. As if he'd never existed at all — without form, without a trace, wiped clean. Knowing that, I felt like my head was going to split open. If he failed to debut, would I forget Won Ji-an too?
"...Thank you."
The moment Won Ji-an lifted his head with a bitter smile, our eyes met. His face was full of dread, and I was in much the same state. We both knew what fate awaited us if we failed to debut. That knowledge was what made it feel like we were going insane.
"We'll announce ninth place."
And so the Top Nine announcement began.
"Ninth place is trainee Kwon Hak-jin."
When his name was called, Kwon Hak-jin stood with a smile. Judging by the fact his name hadn't been called until now, he'd roughly expected to make the Top Nine.
"Hak-jin hyung's rank went way up too."
"No kidding."
Considering he'd placed eighteenth at the last ranking announcement, making the Top Nine was nothing short of remarkable.
...He had been on an upward trend lately, anyway.
The solo dance he'd shown on the first stage had generated a lot of buzz, and his fancams from this position evaluation had been well-received, bringing in a steady stream of new fans. Especially after Yoon Hyeon-min's vicious behavior aired, a comparison had taken shape — Kwon Hak-jin as the good leader versus him — and his likability picks had been climbing.
"Uh... this is actually the first time I've ever ranked this high. I never dreamed my name would be called this late, and even this moment still feels like a dream."
Kwon Hak-jin stammered through his remarks, unlike himself. He seemed to be trying to keep a bright expression on the surface, but his voice was shaking — like he was holding back tears.
...He could just cry.
But Kwon Hak-jin finished his remarks with that smile held to the very end, then returned to his seat.
"Then we'll continue with the announcements."
I don't even know what I was thinking through the rest of the ranking ceremony. From the moment I learned Won Ji-an was in tenth, my mind had gone blank, like a sheet of white paper.
"Eighth place is trainee Hyeon Si-woo!"
The next rank was called, and Hyeon Si-woo stood amid the trainees' congratulations. He started coming over to greet me, then saw my expression, sensed something was seriously wrong, and went up on stage without a word.
"Si-woo hyung was tenth last time, right? This is his first time in the Top Nine."
"That's insane."
"But Si-woo hyung deserves it. He's worked so hard this whole time..."
Listening to the trainees talk, I stared quietly ahead. Kwon Hak-jin making the Top Nine for the first time. Hyeon Si-woo's rank climbing. On the surface, everything looked satisfying. But right now, I felt like I was dying. Watching Won Ji-an sit there with that blank face was torture.
If this was how it was going to go, I should've just toughed it out without using that transfer right.
"Thank you for the support. I'll keep proving myself through my skills going forward. Please keep watching over me."
Names kept being called, and before long it was time to announce the first-place candidates. The screen split in three, showing my face alongside Lee Hae-won's and Han I-jae's. Everyone else wore bright expressions. I was the only one staring at the screen, dazed.
If I keep looking like this, people are going to start talking.
This was a rank the fans had worked themselves to the bone to give me. I knew I had to look as happy as possible. So I forced a smile onto my face as best I could and headed for the stage.
"Three trainees have made it as first-place candidates. First, trainee Han I-jae, a few words please."
Freed from his misfortune narrative, Han I-jae's voice sounded more confident than before. Lee Hae-won, who spoke next, was equally bright. He seemed happy just from the fact that he'd made the first-place candidates again.
"Last, trainee Do Won-woo."
I slowly lifted the microphone. But my voice wouldn't come out. A silence stretched on. Curious gazes poured over me from the other trainees — they'd never seen me like this. Some of them looked at me with pity. They seemed to think the previous incident had left me too mentally shaken.
I hate all of this.
In this moment, everything was just exhausting and sickening.
"I'd like to say thank you for being able to stand once again in this undeserved position as a first-place candidate."
But what came out of my mouth was gratitude. Hiding what I actually felt, I lied that I was happy to receive such a good result. When Won Ji-an was carrying the worst possible burden because of me. The thought that someone might vanish from this world because of me was a pressure far heavier than I'd imagined — an emotion no word could capture. Like dozens of chainsaws roaring just beyond a closed door.
"Alright, then we'll announce from third place."
In a state of anxiety, agitation, and near-madness, a name was called.
"Third place is trainee Lee Hae-won."
When his name was called, Lee Hae-won exchanged greetings with me and Han I-jae, then went up on the platform, beaming. It was a good thing. Lee Hae-won had held his previous rank.
Yeah. That's really fortunate.
I kept repeating it to myself, but my head kept dropping. I knew I couldn't stay like this forever, but pulling myself together wasn't easy. Even trying not to show it, my whole body was already damp with cold sweat.
"You okay?"
Han I-jae whispered beside me. He'd clearly noticed I wasn't in a normal state.
"I'm fine."
Lee Hae-won's remarks ended, and now only the first-place announcement remained. The host looked down at the result in his hand and smiled meaningfully.
"Alright, then I'll announce it."
Han I-jae glanced at me, then looked forward again. I might not hold first this time. My rank might drop. Honestly, none of that mattered. That wasn't what was important right now.
"First place is..."
The host shouted.
The moment my name was called, a system window appeared announcing a title acquisition.
Unshakable First Place
My vision blurred. Maybe from overstraining my nerves — I nearly collapsed forward, and Han I-jae caught me.
"Hey. Are you actually okay?"
I brushed off Han I-jae's questioning, mumbling that I was fine, and turned around. I wasn't fine at all. I felt like my head was about to explode any second. That the misfortune I'd passed off like a hot potato had gone to Won Ji-an of all people. That the result was a ranking drop with no explanation. If I never found a way to stop the misfortune — if I failed to overcome it in the end — Won Ji-an would disappear.
When you get down to it, we weren't even that close, were we?
Trying to rationalize it with that kind of garbage didn't help. The entire time I was giving my first-place remarks, that was all I could think. Now that it had come to this, I would do whatever it took to get Won Ji-an to debut.
After the ranking announcement ended, we had time to say goodbye to the eliminated trainees. Among the sounds of people sniffling here and there, I spotted Won Ji-an in the distance. He was in the middle of comforting the eliminated trainees.
Does he even have it in him to comfort other people when he's the one about to die...
After finishing my greetings with the eliminated trainees, I stood beside Won Ji-an. When our eyes met, he patted my shoulder without a word. A silent answer that he was fine.
There's no way he's fine.
After filming wrapped and we left the set, I headed for a bathroom with no cameras. I hadn't told him to follow, but Won Ji-an read the meaning in my glance and trailed after me on his own.
"......"
"......"
Once we reached the bathroom, I locked the door and stood in front of the mirror. The me in the mirror looked, to anyone's eyes, like someone about to lose his mind. Behind that reflection, Won Ji-an, who had been staring blankly at the floor, muttered.
"It's my responsibility, anyway. Giving you the transfer right was my choice to begin with."
I don't know why, but the moment I heard those words, anger surged up.
"Stop that bullshit about your responsibility and your choice."
Why was it? My voice came out sharper than usual.
So what are you going to do now?
The me in the mirror was saying that.
"That transfer right thing — can you get another one?"
Won Ji-an gave a bitter smile.
"That thing drops at an insanely low rate. It's not something I can get just because I want it."
So he'd given me an item that rare, and then ended up carrying the misfortune in my place...
"You're thinking I'm a piece of shit, right?"
Won Ji-an swore, unlike himself, and laughed.
"Yeah. You are a piece of shit."
"You're a piece of shit too."
"...Yeah."
What even was this conversation. Maybe both of us were going insane.
I said that. But even after the words left my mouth, my head was still full of question marks.
How?
The vote count had dropped to an abnormal degree, with no incident and no reason. How was I supposed to overcome that? It wasn't a problem you could change just because you wanted to.
"Maybe..."
Won Ji-an muttered.
"Maybe I'm being punished."