EP 3. The First Date (1)
"...Are you feeling any better now?"
When had it started? The warmth wrapped around my back had grown so familiar that I'd missed my window to pull away. I hadn't meant to stay like this forever.
"...Yeah."
I answered, but my body wouldn't easily move.
"Really? You're actually okay now? Because if I let go and you start crying again, that's not allowed."
"I told you, I'm fine..."
A quiet laugh drifted over from behind me. No matter how I looked at it, she didn't believe a word of it.
And honestly, I wasn't fine. How was anyone supposed to be fine in a situation like this? It wasn't as if I were a complete idiot.
"You are terrible at lying."
"...It's not a lie."
"Your voice is shaking, and you say it's not."
I felt Chaea's arms tighten a little around me. From her side, I suppose, it must have looked like she was trying to reassure me. It just wasn't working.
"Seriously, what is wrong with me."
For some reason, the tears wouldn't stop. So annoying.
It took far longer than I expected for them to finally dry up. The whole time, Chaea said absolutely nothing — just patted my back once or twice now and then. If she'd teased me instead, it might actually have lightened the weight a little.
"Feeling better now?"
"Yeah..."
Chaea let go of me.
"Drink some water. Crying drains you, and then your head hurts."
"Speaking from experience?"
"Obviously. I was a crybaby, remember? And you teased me so much for it... Don't you feel even a little guilty?"
She handed me the water bottle sitting on the desk. It was lukewarm.
"It's lukewarm."
"Want me to grab a cold one from the fridge, then? If my dear boyfriend requests it, this much I can manage."
"...Never mind."
Boyfriend.
Until a few hours ago, that word had had nothing to do with me. I'd never once imagined I'd come to be called that — least of all by Chaea.
"Hey, Hyunwoo."
"What."
"So what are we supposed to do now?"
"Do about what?"
"Well, whatever the circumstances, we agreed to date, didn't we? Shouldn't something change now?"
Chaea perched on the edge of the bed and swung her legs back and forth. An old habit from childhood — the one that came out when she was worrying over something, or looking forward to it.
"Well. What couples usually do is... hold hands when we're out, text each other a lot... Isn't that about it?"
"Look at you, all knowledgeable. And you call this your first relationship. Suspicious."
"I've seen and heard things, that's all."
"Then want to try holding hands right now?"
"Huh?"
I looked up to find Chaea holding out her hand, palm up. Her expression was playful, but I caught the faint tremble in her fingertips. How on earth had I never noticed things like this before?
"...Can't we save that kind of thing for later?"
"Why? Embarrassed?"
"It's not that I'm embarrassed."
"Not that?"
"...I'm embarrassed."
"Well, at least you're honest. Then I guess it can't be helped."
Chaea drew her hand back. I felt a twinge of disappointment. What on earth was going through my head?
"Instead, come out somewhere with me tomorrow."
"Where?"
"I don't know. Anywhere. We should try a date at least once, shouldn't we?"
"It's summer break. Do we really have to go outside? The weather's gotten so hot lately I barely leave the house as it is."
"It's not that bad? It's only thirty-three degrees Celsius."
"That's still hot, isn't it..."
"Hey. Lee Hyunwoo."
Chaea said it, her voice flat. Worried I'd hurt her feelings, I studied her face — but she was smiling, so she seemed fine... Then what was that? She wasn't angry, was she?
"I've really been waiting a long time, you know. You can spare one day for me, can't you?"
"...Alright. I'll go."
"Promise? No take-backs."
"Yeah."
"Ten o'clock tomorrow. If you're late, I'll stand in front of your house screaming your name at the top of my lungs."
"Seriously, spare me that one."
Chaea grabbed her bag and stood. At some point, the sky outside had gone dark.
"I'm off. Don't go bawling just because I'm gone. Got it?"
"Yeah. Get home safe."
"Hyunwoo."
"What now."
"Thank you for today. See you tomorrow."
The door clicked shut, and I stood rooted to the spot for a long while. Thank me, she'd said. I wasn't the one who should have been hearing those words.
Left alone in the room, my thoughts only multiplied. So I picked up my phone. I didn't even know what to type into the search bar, and I hesitated for ages before my fingers finally moved.
The results were mostly useless. Respect your partner. Message them often. I knew all of that already. That wasn't what I wanted to know.
What I wanted to know was what you were supposed to do when you ended up dating someone you didn't like. That was the question. Of course, I didn't have the guts to actually search for it. The answer would have been obvious anyway. Break up with them right away. Be honest with the other person and end things cleanly — it's for both your sakes.
It was sound advice. So sound that it made me angry instead. I tossed the phone aside and shut my eyes, but even in the dark, that moment kept replaying. To think she apologized — for feeling too much. What was there to apologize for in that? The one who should have been sorry was me. I was the one who'd spent three years at her side without a clue what was in her heart, and then used that heart as the punchline of a joke.
Something to say before bed. As if I had any trouble guessing what. My grip tightened on the phone. I'd figured typing it out would be easier than saying it aloud, but that wasn't really true either. It took me seconds to press a single letter.
Busted. This was why I could never win against her.
I reread the conversation again and again. I read and reread that tiny phrase — really, a lot. What kind of face had Chaea been making as she typed it? Smiling, probably. Fine, then. I could come to like her. Maybe not now, but someday down the road. That much, I could try for — no, I had to. Because it was the only way I could take responsibility for what I'd done.
The moment I got back to the dorm, I buried my face in the bed. And screamed. I'd screamed straight into the pillow, so nothing should have carried outside. Probably.
"Chaea? Was that a noise just now?"
"There was no noise!"
My roommate's voice floated in from beyond the bathroom. So it had leaked out after all. Not that it mattered. Right now, even screaming loud enough for the whole world to hear wouldn't have been enough.
Hyunwoo asked me out. And he said it first — with his own two lips. Three years. For three years, I'd pictured this moment every single night. Me confessing, Hyunwoo flustered, a few awkward days, and then the whole thing quietly fizzling out — I'd imagined even that ending, every last version of it. But what actually happened was so much better than anything I'd dreamed up. So much better.
I turned on my phone and opened our chat.
I brushed my fingertip across those three words. I knew they weren't sincere. I knew it had taken him three whole minutes to type out even that much. And still, I was happy. Happy in a way that made me feel a little pathetic.
Then, without warning, fear crept in. I knew exactly why Hyunwoo had cried today. Guilt — because he'd learned I meant it, and now the prank he'd pulled could never be taken back. Which meant Hyunwoo wasn't beside me because he liked me. He was there because he felt sorry for me. I knew that. I knew, and I held on anyway. I couldn't tell whether what I was doing was love or greed. Probably both.
I hugged the pillow and curled up tight. So this is your responsibility too, Lee Hyunwoo. I turned the words I'd told myself earlier over one more time. I knew it was a cowardly thing to think. I knew I was passing the buck — you said it first, so it's on you. But I couldn't help it. If I didn't tell myself something like that, I couldn't bear to live with myself.
I could wait. I'd already waited three years — how much longer could I possibly fail to wait? Someday, when the day came that Hyunwoo truly liked me back, I would tell him everything. That I'd known from the very beginning. That you fidget with the hem of your clothes when you lie, and that day was a prank — all of it. And I hoped that when that day came, Hyunwoo would laugh. Not get angry, not apologize — just laugh. That would be enough for me.
I set my alarm for seven. With the date at ten, waking at seven seemed a bit excessive, but there was so much to prepare. Hair to do. An outfit to pick. I opened my closet, where a dress I'd bought last month and never once worn was hanging. I'd bought it for a day like this, whenever it decided to come. I just never dreamed that "someday" would arrive this soon.
Tomorrow, at last. Tomorrow.
"Hyunwoo! Wake up!"
Mom's voice dragged me out of sleep. I checked the clock. It was well past 9:40. So I'd overslept — though after tossing and turning until three in the morning, I couldn't exactly say I hadn't seen it coming. Maybe I should have set more alarms.
"Hyunwoo! Chaea's here!"
"What?"
She'd said ten o'clock, plain as day. I raked a hand through my hair and bolted down the stairs.