EP 2. Han Chaea (2)
The truth is, I already knew — that Hyunwoo hadn't confessed to me because he actually liked me. With him making it that obvious, how was I supposed to play dumb?
Hyunwoo probably had no idea, though. That whenever he pulled a prank or told a lie, he had this habit of fidgeting with the hem of his clothes.
He'd been that way since we were little. Back in school, when someone asked whether a friend had made off with his toy, he'd say "It wasn't me" while his hand drifted up to his shirt buttons; when he insisted to the other kids, "I don't fuss over side dishes anymore!" — another lie — his fingers were always rummaging around in his pockets.
Today was no different. Even as he asked me, "Want to go out?", Hyunwoo was tugging at the hem of his hoodie with one finger, smiling like it was nothing.
There was no way I could have missed it. This was a prank. And I was meant to play along.
If anything, it would have been easier if I hadn't noticed at all. But for some reason, this time — just this once — I couldn't stand to answer the same old joke with the same old laugh. If I let this chance slip by, I had a feeling the chance to tell him how I felt would never come again. I had waited far too long to just smile and let it pass.
So this is on you too, Lee Hyunwoo.
"Okay."
The moment I said it, Hyunwoo's expression became quite a sight to behold. His eyes widened a fraction, his lips parting ever so slightly. Normally he would have smoothed the whole thing over with a laugh on the spot, but today was different. He must have been so sure I would turn him down.
You were the one who asked me out, even if it was only a joke.
In a way, I was relieved Hyunwoo never took the prank back. I'd genuinely thought he might. Maybe it was because he could feel that I meant it. Or maybe, in his own way, he just didn't want to reject me. ...That one, probably not.
You still have no idea, do you? How long I've been preparing to move us from friends to lovers.
Even so, I had no intention of telling him. There was no need. If he didn't know, then fine — I would simply let him figure it out, little by little, on his own. Because I believed a love that started as a joke could still become a happy one. Because someday, you would be able to stand tall and tell me you love me too.
"I'm saying yes. What did I tell you? What girl on earth would turn down your confession?"
Strangely enough, Hyunwoo didn't laugh at that. Instead he looked at me for a moment, then glanced away. Wasn't it him who said there was no way anyone could ever like him? Because I had liked him from the very beginning.
The boy who was always first to come running and take my hand whenever I fell at sports day. The boy who promised to settle the aftermath whenever I came to him crying over a fight with the other kids. Even the boy who would listen to my favorite idol songs with me and dance along — clumsily, sure, but he tried. It was all you.
How could I not have fallen for Hyunwoo? No one had ever really looked at me the way you did.
I knew perfectly well that to him this was nothing but a prank, and I hated how my heart went and pounded like an idiot anyway. I must really, really like you.
"...Do you like me?"
I like you. No — I love you, so much that "like" doesn't even begin to cover it. That was what I wanted to say. But I couldn't bring myself to. I couldn't afford to be hasty.
"Since when have you liked me?"
Hyunwoo turned to study my face again, his gaze a shade more serious than before. He was probably forcing himself to hold it. Even in a moment like this, he couldn't help being kind.
"If you're asking since when, I honestly couldn't tell you. By the time I came to my senses, my head was already stuffed full of three little syllables — 'Lee Hyun-woo.'"
I tried my hardest. Biting down on my lip, I barely held back the urge to run to him that very second and kiss him. So I acted even more playful instead. Jokes I would never normally make — it felt like this was the one moment I had to make them. Because if I let even a sliver of the truth show, you would decide you couldn't handle a me like this and run.
Looking back, it had been that way since elementary school.
"I'm serious. Don't you remember? At the sports festival, he dribbled the ball all the way in by himself and scored the winning goal — then ran straight to you to brag about it. The match was still going on! At this point, doesn't it seem like Hyunwoo likes you?"
"Right? Has your Hyunwoo really not noticed? He never gives other girls so much as a glance. He's always hanging out with you and only you, Chaea."
"Lucky you, Chaea. It's written all over him that he likes you. If I had a boy like that, I'd be asking him to go get spicy rice cakes with me on the spot."
Back when the girls would pounce on us, dying to know what exactly was going on between Hyunwoo and me, what was it he always said? That's right, it was—
"That's just because you're the easiest one to be around. It's not weird or anything."
—that was it. Sure, "you're the easiest to be around" was the kind of thing close friends could say without a second thought. But somehow, I loved hearing it. Because "you're the one I'm most comfortable with" sounded, to me, like "you're special to me."
I know. He didn't mean it that way. But the girl I was back then couldn't see that. I just loved how at ease Hyunwoo made me feel, so I clung to him all the harder — on the walk to school, on the way to the cafeteria at lunch, on the road home at the end of the day, I was always circling his side. Of course, that didn't end well.
That was when I learned my lesson: attention heavy enough to smother the person receiving it can turn to poison before you know it.
"You really did like me a lot, huh..."
"Yeah. More than anything."
Hyunwoo's gaze drifted back to me. The Hyunwoo of ordinary days would have laughed it off with some "Ugh, gross, what are you even saying" — seeing him like this instead left me feeling strange. That tiny pause sent my heart beating faster for no good reason at all.
Every time something like this happened, my certainty grew a little stronger. That no matter how much of this had started as a joke, he didn't hate seeing me this way. Please let this not be just my imagination.
"So we're... a couple now. Right."
"That's right. You're the one who confessed, remember?"
"Yeah. That's what I'm saying. We are."
"Well, thank you for that. For saying it out loud. What, do you want me to tell you what a good boy our Hyunwoo is?"
I'd cried so much that I couldn't even get the words out properly. And I'd wanted to tell her I'd do better from now on, too.
"There's nothing here to wipe your tears with — what am I going to do with you? Should I run and grab some tissues?"
"...I'm fine."
"You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this exact day. All it took was tacking 'girl' onto the front of 'friend' — and somehow that was the hardest thing in the world."
"I've... never dated anyone before."
I didn't know a thing. Not what I was supposed to say at a time like this, or even what kind of face to make. When it came to dating, I knew less than nothing. The best thought I could manage was that I was glad Chaea was behind me — at least that way, my expression was the one thing I still had control over.
"Me too, actually. Someone set my standards so high that no one else even registered on them."
"Your first...? Who was it?"
"Who do you think? None other than my dear boyfriend, Mr. Lee Hyunwoo."
"..."
So this was what it meant to like someone — even lines like that could slip out without a hitch. Which meant that if I didn't want to hurt Chaea, someday I would have to learn to say things like that too.
Girlfriend. Han Chaea.
Just holding those two words side by side in my head — two words that refused to belong together — was enough to make everything feel a little off. Still, I had to get used to it now. I was the one who had chosen this, after all. Like it or not, I had to adjust.
"There's something I want to hear. Will you say it for me?"
"H-huh?"
"So far I'm the only one who's been saying 'I like you.' I want to hear it too, you know. I can hear it, can't I? I'm a little hurt here."
"I like you." Right. I could do this. I'd said it plenty of times before, back when we used to tease each other about how even friends were allowed to say that much. So something like this was nothing.
"I li... like you."
"Sorry, what was that? I could barely hear you — would you say it just one more time? Ah, of all the luck. The wind had to swallow the one thing that mattered most."
"...I closed the window, though..."
"There'll be far heavier things said between us down the road, so I figured an 'I like you' or two wasn't asking much. Or is it really that hard to get out? I won't force you."
Chaea's voice dipped a little lower. Was she disappointed? I hadn't wanted to let her down.
"Would it... make you feel better if I said it...?"
"Couldn't tell you. It might get drowned out again, you know. Still, I'd say this time you just have to say it loud enough to actually reach my ears."
"And my mood?"
"Obviously it'll get better. The boyfriend I love most in this world is telling me he likes me."
Why did she keep leaning so hard on the word "boyfriend"? I could feel the quiet expectation seeping through her voice. There was nothing for it. One more time.
"I like you."
"That's strange."
"What is?"
"Why am I in such a good mood? I'm honestly fighting back a grin right now. The way your voice kept getting swallowed up, the way you clench your fist when you talk — it's all so cute I don't want to let you go."
"What's that supposed to mean..."
"No, no, I mean it. I never used to think of you as this cute, but all of a sudden you're looking twice as adorable."
Heat flooded my face in an instant. Even my mom had never called me cute. Just how much did you have to like someone to toss words like that out so easily?
Would there ever come a day when I could tell her I liked her — and truly mean it?
Or would I end up letting go before that day ever came?