Hamster Wheel Days
Ever since having sex with Terria as part of the bet (15), the depressive days have dragged on. I still find myself watching his every reaction. I clean the lab, prepare meals, do all the chores I used to make him handle as my slave. He neither affirms nor denies it. It feels like I'm the only one acting strange.
Sometimes I jolt awake from nightmares in the middle of sleep, or dry-heave like morning sickness while eating. One moment I'm sunk in depression, the next I'm giggling to myself, tears streaming down my face as I read some light recreational novel. Like a madwoman. It really feels like depression—I've tried taking meds, but they do nothing. Days filled with endless self-loathing and lethargy slip by.
Sometimes I think it might be better to just die. But I have to keep living. Not out of fear of death, but because nothing is truly over yet.
Separate from my unstable emotional state, the research is progressing smoothly. At this rate, winning the bet is all but certain. The Body Swap Potion has already entered the mid-manufacturing stage. I still don't know why Terria allowed it, but the feeling of finally escaping him is starting to take concrete shape.
And so I live every day like a hamster trapped on its wheel, following the same routine. Time is the only solution. As time passes, my emotions gradually numb. After a week, his face doesn't stir anything in me anymore. It's not as sad as I thought it'd be, not as infuriating. More comfortable, more livable than expected. Bearable, even.
The moment I think that—
Fate is like that insolent thing that tracks you down no matter how hard you turn away and pretend not to see it. And my fate, it seems, is especially intent on grinding me down. If you ignore that all my misfortunes and pains—aside from the body swap—are of my own making, that is. Not sure you could really call it fate. Anyway.
I hit the limit of my physical capabilities. It was early March, on a day when spring rain was falling. I was researching as usual. Raindrops pattered down, mingling with the scent of spring and drifting in through the open lab window. It was a perfect atmosphere for reading a magic tome.
The problem was I couldn't do anything else while reading. I paused my research and headed to the living room. Terria was resting after his morning workout. He must've just showered— a fresh soap scent wafted from his body.
He looked up as he sensed me.
"What is it?"
"Uh... I could tell you were working out pretty hard."
"Yeah, well. Figured I had to. Your body was worse than I thought."
I shot him a sharp glare. He always had a knack for saying things that rubbed me the wrong way. I'd tried easing into the main topic with something like praise, but it was pointless.
"...So what now?"
"Gonna rest a bit, then get to work."
"Then help me out."
Terria gave me a look like I'd lost my mind.
"I have my own stuff to do."
"Do it tomorrow. Research with me now."
"...What're you even on about?"
As I stubbornly pushed, he frowned, clearly annoyed. But I couldn't help it either. I had no idea why I was being so unreasonable. It'd probably be over with just one word.
I deliberately avoided his gaze and said it.
"Help... please."
See? He immediately grinned and stood up. Just as I'd figured.
"It's... hard researching alone. I need your help."
Surprisingly, looking at Terria didn't feel so bad anymore. Of course, looking and physical contact were two different things.
He naturally draped an arm over my shoulder and pulled me close. Like lovers. Or more like a one-night stand, but I'd already resigned myself to it. It was actually more effective for self-defense this way.
The moment we entered the lab, I shook off his arm.
"So, what do you need help with?"
He seemed surprisingly motivated. Yeah, I hadn't done anything wrong, so no need to hold back.
I explained the situation. Before, I'd handled three or four tasks at once with magic, but now I couldn't—too many constraints. It required precise movements timed to the second, and with only two hands, the research was hitting snags.
Simply put, I needed his help.
Terria nodded.
"Got it."
"Can you stir that for starters?"
I pointed to the cauldron simmering in the corner of the lab. It held the base liquid for the libido suppressant—and it was also the core ingredient for the aphrodisiac.
Suppressant or aphrodisiac, the materials were the same. Our plan was to start from the same base and produce two drugs with exactly opposite effects.
"...That's it. Got it?"
I explained while grinding herbs. Terria asked, sounding a little annoyed.
"What's that got to do with needing me?"
"There's prior research on aphrodisiacs, so ways to check if it's being made right. Not for the suppressant. No way to verify till it's done."
"Got it."
"Except one method. If the suppressant works properly, it should neutralize the aphrodisiac, right?"
"Yeah, makes sense."
Terria nodded, mildly impressed. The two drugs from the same materials performed precisely opposite functions. So mixing them should neutralize into an inert liquid—that was my logic. If no reaction, the aphrodisiac couldn't be wrong, so problem with suppressant.
"So I'm making both at once. I'll mix them occasionally to check if the suppressant's on track."
"Oh, not bad for you, Ariel."
"...Terria. If we waste that solution, we wait a week. No mistakes."
He patted my head like I'd done well. The soft pressure of his thick palm felt... not bad, oddly different from usual. My cheeks felt a little flushed, so it was getting warm—I fanned myself as I spoke.
"So, what do you wanna make? Recipes are here. You pick first."
"Aphrodisiac, obviously."
"...Tch."
No hesitation whatsoever. Even if he'd picked suppressant, I'd have claimed it anyway. Still annoying.
"Took the easy one—mess it up and see."
"No way. Wanna bet?"
"If no reaction and it's the aphrodisiac that's wrong?"
"Won't happen. Don't worry."
Terria answered playfully. I couldn't help but smirk too. He had lab experience, sure, but theory and practice were different. Especially alchemy—more practical than other magic disciplines, which focused on circuits and casting. It was affected by emotions. You empathized with the mana in each material; stir gently and it smiled back, rough and it got angry. You could tell even without a recipe. Like a master chef unbound by exact measures.
Do it perfectly and I'll call you a genius, Terria.
Come to think of it, he was in Ariel's body. As I set up the materials, I leaned toward him teasingly.
"If even this stumps 'Ariel,' then it's not Ariel. Right?"
"Keep pushing it?"
"If the Blue Tower Lord fails at making an aphrodisiac, clearly someone's possessed the body."
Heh, I hummed a little tune. Materials were all ready. We lined up at the long table against the wall, flipped the hourglass, and got to work.
Terria casually poured the slowly boiling base from the cauldron into a flask and said offhandedly,
"Having fun?"
"Yeah. You?"
"Not really."
He turned his head, looking dissatisfied.
"Potion-making's not fun?"
"Just simple work. What's fun about it?"
I looked at him like he was some poor soul. Annoyed by my gaze, his hand movements grew rougher. It only made me feel better. His misery was my joy, after all.
He didn't seem too upset, so I hadn't crossed the line—I leaned in a bit more and kept teasing.
"Hehe, this is so fun."
"Guess I don't need to help then?"
"Anyone who says alchemy's not fun has already lost half their life."
"You make potions with your mouth?"
"How's this not fun? Terria, you've lost half your life. Poor thing."
"One more and I'm out."
"Then we skip sex later?"
"......"
He whipped his head around to stare at me, looking like I'd slapped him. I could read his mind for once.
"So, play along a little? You can manage that much."
I forced my lips into a smile. My voice trembled a bit. I'd decided to just accept things as Terria said. I learn from experience.
I could predict it: once I asked for help and we finished the drugs, he'd demand sex. Near certain. When that happened, I'd set emotions aside and just enjoy it. No need to attach meaning and get hurt.
It was just that much. So play along with me now.
"Haa, fine."
"Yeah. Thanks."
My chest felt tight. My mouth was smiling, but my eyes felt like crying. And even though I'd asked him to play along, I went silent for a while after.
We worked quietly for some time. The first verification—mixing our two drugs to check neutralization—was approaching when Terria spoke up.
"Ariel."
"Yeah?"
"The other mages all look like idiots to me."
"Yeah?"
"You included, of course."
"...You're such a jerk."
My words said that, but my eyes were smiling. It was strange. I had no idea what his intent was, but it was clearly an insult—and yet, it didn't bother me at all.
As we worked side by side at the table, he spoke with the air of someone who'd figured something out.
"So, I'll share what I've been thinking. Not sure you'll get it, though. Wanna hear?"
"...Just say it."
"Aphrodisiac's a mental drug to begin with, and heat's like an awakening effect—could amplify it, right?"
"Huh?"
"And per my hypothesis, add gray fox dung."
His hands moved busily, but he turned to look down at me. Smug, know-it-all expression—but strangely, his face wouldn't come into focus properly.
"What do you think? No clue, huh?"
"Uh... no, I mean, that's..."
That was it—the exact thing Fabian and I had toyed with as kids. So you're right, and it's something I'd already planned long ago.
That's what I should say, but my throat closed up; no voice came out. I needed to focus, but my vision wavered and blurred. My eyes felt hot for some reason.
Terria stopped working and came over.
"You crying?"
Something trailed down my cheek. I pulled off my glove and rubbed my eyes. Tried to take in Terria properly.
But it wasn't Terria. It felt like watching myself from a third-person view.
The one smugly spouting those words from ten years ago wasn't Terria. It was Ariel.
Ariel, but supplemented in all the ways I'd fallen short—an utterly flawless ideal.
In that moment, I intuited it. Even if he called it no fun, Terria was empathizing with the potion's magic just like me.
He was sensing the faint smoke and mana scent wafting from it, conversing with every particle.
Feeling the pure essence of alchemy.
He was enjoying it.
Truly, he was Ariel delighted by magical research—the exact image I'd always yearned for.