Studying Is an Act for Oneself
"Haa... That feels refreshing."
After splurging on some expensive beef, cleaning up with Aju, and finishing my shower, I felt completely refreshed.
"Even though what Aju said earlier has me a little self-conscious..."
It was because of what she'd said while we were eating the beef.
"Riha oppa... aren't you nervous?"
Because of that one line, I couldn't help but stay aware of the sound of her showering, and even while I was in the shower myself. But unlike Aju, I had plenty of dating experience and had gone much further in relationships with the opposite sex.
From the start, it didn't make sense to look at Aju—who I'd known since she was a little kid—in that kind of way.
"No matter how hungry you get, don't eat the rabbit living in your own house. Get a grip, Riha."
Muttering those self-scolding words to myself, I stepped into the living room. And there was the house rabbit—no.
Aju was studying at the living room table.
"...She's in the middle of studying."
At first I meant to just walk past without bothering her, but the sight of her concentrating so hard that she didn't even notice me standing beside her kept drawing my eyes. Before I knew it, I was standing there quietly watching her.
"Ah, Riha oppa. All done showering?"
"Yeah. Sorry, did I interrupt?"
"Not at all. I was just about to take a break anyway."
I already knew this, but Aju generally preferred studying in the living room. There was a desk in her own room, so there had to be a reason she chose the dining table out here instead.
"Now that I think about it, you're always studying out here. Wouldn't your room be more comfortable? No one walking past or anything."
"Oh, that? Ahaha... There's actually no special reason."
Aju looked at me—who had never asked before but was suddenly curious—and her eyes turned distant, as if recalling something.
Then she turned her head toward the front door.
"If I'm here, I can greet Daeho oppa the moment he gets home from work. I guess that's why studying out here became a habit."
"..."
Watching Aju speak as if Daeho might open the door at any second, I pictured it.
In this small, empty house, Aju studying all alone while she waited for her brother.
No matter how mature she tried to act, no matter how much she hid it... in the end Aju was still a child who longed for someone's warmth. She wanted a home with family in it, not an empty one.
"...I'm right here by your side."
"Huh?"
"At least until you take the Suneung and graduate, I'm basically unemployed. So if you're home, I won't ever be gone."
"Yeah... Why are you saying that all of a sudden?"
"Just because."
Even I wasn't sure why I'd said it. I just wanted to.
Having gotten that off my chest, I gently rested my hand on top of Aju's head for a moment before pulling it away.
"Don't stay up too late. Sleep is important too."
"...Okay."
Only after Aju gave a dazed nod did I feel reassured enough to head into the bedroom. Spotting Daeho sprawled across the desk, I opened my mouth.
"That's how it is."
Daeho had already overheard our entire conversation with his cat hearing. Still lying curled up with a bored expression, he clicked his tongue.
"Yeah. So I figured I could at least step outside for a minute to greet Aju when she got back. Or is that just me running a happy circuit?"
"I guess so."
Just for the record, we'd already hired a professional lawyer for Daeho's legal case. The costs were split between Aju, me, and our parents.
The verdict would probably come down before long.
"I wonder how the trial will go."
"Aju won't want it, though."
"I know that too."
Money gained from losing her only family. I couldn't imagine what kind of feelings Aju would have accepting it.
Her brother's last allowance? Or blood money earned by sacrificing him?
Either way, I couldn't picture Aju looking happy about it.
"..."
Beyond that door, Aju was still studying in the living room. I liked watching her like this.
Because studying was the one thing... the one act Aju did purely for herself.
The fact that she worked hard at it, and that the results came from that effort, simply made me happy. I wanted Aju to live for herself.
"If Aju starts living for herself and becomes able to stand on her own... will the day come when she doesn't need either of us anymore?"
"True. But... if that day does come, I'll be a little sad."
"Says the guy pretending otherwise."
It was funny that the one who would be the most upset if Aju became independent and moved on was acting like he wouldn't care. I flicked Daeho on the forehead.
"Don't even think about using your claws by yourself like a coward. Put those away."
I'd flicked him lightly, but the crazy psychopath immediately unsheathed his claws. Disgusted, I did what I always did—stripped off my shirt and climbed into bed.
"Hey, turn the light off."
"Jump."
Daeho clicked his tongue at my order, jumped down from the desk, and leaped from beneath the light switch to turn it off. He really was talented...
Whether as a human or as a cat, I couldn't tell.
"Sleep well. You've got to be Aju's bodyguard starting tomorrow."
"Me? I'll be looking for a part-time job."
"You're imagining things~"
I could feel a pair of glowing eyes in the dark room, but I thoroughly ignored them and closed my own. Come to think of it, this was a first since my discharge...
Going to bed at a normal hour like this.
For three days after getting out, the funeral kept me up late, and yesterday had been full of all kinds of things.
Yawn... Maybe I still haven't shaken the military habits...
Once it's time for bed... sleep hits me like a truck...
Zzz...
---
There's a saying that military habits last until you're eighty.
...Or was there? Anyway, habits formed in the army don't disappear as quickly as you'd think. A prime example is waking up at dawn without meaning to.
"Haa... What time is it?"
I checked the phone I'd left by my pillow. It was still nowhere near wake-up time.
Ahem. Plenty of time left.
"Yawn. I didn't wake up at dawn when I was going to bed late, but the moment I sleep on schedule, I'm up at the crack of dawn."
It looked like the software in my body was still running on the exact code the military had installed. I'd better delete it soon.
"...What about Daeho?"
"Snoring away without a care... Do cats even snore?"
Since I could hear Daeho's voice clearly, I wasn't sure if that snoring sound was real or not. Either way, it seemed I was the only one awake right now.
"Up we go. I'm not even that tired, so let's get moving."
I wasn't particularly diligent, but I wasn't lazy enough to go back to sleep when I wasn't tired either. So even though I was a civilian now, I got up at dawn and carefully opened the door so I wouldn't wake Aju. (I didn't care if Daeho woke up or not.)
"Well, even so, there's no way the sound of me opening this door would reach Aju inside her room."
With that thought, I stepped out.
"...Huh?"
I was completely thrown when I saw Aju sitting—no, slumped over—at the living room table, fast asleep.
"She must've just fallen asleep here while studying last night."
I liked watching Aju study. It was the one time the girl who always put others first and herself last was doing something purely for her own sake.
But... this called for a little scolding.
"The weather's getting colder now, staying up so late isn't good for your health, and sleeping like that will wreck your back."
There was so much I wanted to say. I normally never lectured Aju, so it felt a little awkward, but as someone living with her, as the brother and guardian protecting her, I had to speak up.
"Aju. Hey, Aju."
I gently shook her shoulder where she slept at the table. If it had been Daeho, I would've yanked the chair out from under him, but I couldn't do that to Aju.
"Mmm... mnya..."
What was that cute sound? "Mnya"... I'd never heard anything like it in real life.
"...Ah, Riha oppa?"
"Yeah, it's me."
"Did... I fall asleep here?"
"You did. Wow. This definitely needs a lecture, doesn't it?"
"Haha... Sorry."
Apologizing before I could even start scolding her. Well, I couldn't do much about it. In a fight, the moment you lose the first strike, you've already lost.
It wasn't that seeing Aju right after she'd woken up made all my anger vanish.
I was the type who followed through when I decided to do something.
"Did you study really late?"
"...Yeah, a little."
"If you fell asleep out here, it wasn't just a little, was it?"
"..."
At my words Aju fidgeted with her fingers, then looked toward the front door just like she had yesterday.
"I just... I don't know... I guess I was hoping."
"Hoping?"
"Yeah."
This time Aju looked up at me. Seeing her face, I suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to pull her into my arms, even though I didn't know why.
"I thought... if I kept studying like this, maybe the front door would open. Before I knew it, I was still studying."
Hearing that... I decided to just follow my desire.
"R-Riha oppa?"
Aju's startled voice as I suddenly hugged her. But I had no intention of letting go.
"Don't say scary things like that."
"What do you mean?"
"The only people who know our door lock code are you and me. If the front door suddenly opened and you were the only one in the living room... I'd get anxious."
"Ah..."
I knew. I knew her words hadn't carried that meaning.
Still, saying it this way was the only way she'd understand what I wanted to tell her.
"I'm sorry."
"Good. Starting tonight, I won't go to bed until you do, so keep that in mind."
"Hehe, got it. Then... want to study together?"
"No thanks. I'll just play games next to you."
"...Riha oppa, even for you that's a bit much..."
"Is it? Isn't it basically the same?"
"The same?"
At Aju's question I shrugged and looked at the mountain of reference books piled on the table. Proof that Aju had been working hard for herself...
"You're studying for yourself, and I'm playing games for myself. It's exactly the same, isn't it?"
"Huh? ...Hehe."
Aju covered her mouth with her hand and started laughing. There was no trace of the sense of loss I'd seen when she looked at the front door earlier.
"You know, Riha oppa, I've wanted to ask this for a long time. Do you like watching me study?"
"Why do you ask?"
"No reason... It's just that even back then, and yesterday too, you watch me studying a lot."
"Ah..."
I guess I had been pretty obvious about it. Well... it wasn't something I needed to hide.
"Yeah, I like seeing you study hard. And it's even better when the results are good."
"Why?"
Even though she could have taken it as something a close older brother would say, Aju deliberately asked for my reason. This was tricky... Living together had turned my inability to lie in front of Aju into a serious constraint.
"Because studying is the one thing you do purely for yourself, Aju."
"...Huh?"
"You're always thinking of others first. But when you study, you only think about yourself. I just like seeing that."
"..."
After hearing me, Aju looked at the mountain of reference books stacked on the table. The evidence of all the effort she'd put in so far, the traces of all the time she'd spent thinking only of herself.
"...You're right. Studying is something you do only for yourself."
"Exactly. Personally, I'd like it if you did that with other things too."
"Hehe, do I look that self-centered to you?"
"Oh no, Aju. Your Korean is in trouble. You don't even know what self-centered means."
"Hehe."
My joke finally made Aju burst into laughter. Normally I'd have made sure she got at least a little more sleep before school.
"Hehe, it feels like I end up laughing a lot whenever I'm with you, Riha oppa."
"Then I'm glad."
Seeing Aju laugh like that... I found myself wanting to see it even more.