Consolation
“Are you serious right now?”
“Yes. I’m completely serious.”
Isabel’s eyes shone with transparent clarity. To spout such deranged nonsense without a hint of shame. A hollow laugh burst out of me before I could stop it.
“I’m not asking for your forgiveness right away. Of course it would be difficult. So whenever your anger builds up, just take it out on me. You can do whatever you want to me. I’ll be by your side whenever you need me.”
“You’ve completely lost your mind.”
“Still… I hope that even like this, my sincerity can reach you.”
The repeated conversation made my blood pressure spike.
“I’m not the least bit curious about your sincerity, nor do I want to know.”
“But Kyle, you’re the only one who can punish me.”
“Shut your mouth.”
“Please. Even if it’s just once. Give me one last chance to atone to you.”
Atonement, atonement, that damn word again. After hating Kyle however she pleased, she now forces forgiveness on me with those tragic eyes, as if she’s the victim.
Ah, I finally understand. The reason she clings to me so desperately, begging me to punish her. Even if it means being hated, she wants to remain viciously entangled with Kyle. To be cursed by the man she killed with her own hands, to heal her trauma. And to escape the inescapable swamp of regret.
It’s utterly selfish. Whether she spent her whole life hating Kyle or belatedly regretting her mistakes, the only thing that ever mattered was her own feelings. It’s the same now. Because she resents her own situation. Because she can’t control her emotions. Because the past mistakes that bind her are too painful.
Surprisingly, Isabel hadn’t changed at all.
“You haven’t changed one bit.”
“Kyle…”
“Shut your mouth and listen. What? You want me to slap your cheek and spit on you? You’d be happy if that eased my anger?”
The absurdity of it all made me laugh. My teeth clenched with boiling rage.
“Why should I?”
“…”
“Did you think I’d thank you for it?”
I bent down to meet the eyes of the kneeling Isabel. My face, reflected in her pupils, looked horribly distorted.
“If you want to throw away your memories or feelings, go find a trash can. Don’t come bothering me with this nonsense.”
At the same time, the corner of Isabel’s mouth twitched. It was a twisted, unnatural smile.
“But I want to be forgiven. Even if it has to be like this.”
“What? Forgiven?”
Isabel nodded with unfocused eyes. I had wondered, but it seemed she really meant it. I stared hard at the Isabel before me.
She believed without a shred of doubt that the man in front of her was Kyle Winfred. It made my skin crawl. I’m not Kyle. My gait, my speech, even my smallest habits—nothing matches. If she had even the slightest interest in Kyle. If she had observed his behavior even a little. She would have realized… she absolutely, without question, would have realized that Kyle’s soul had been replaced.
Suddenly, the thought struck me. Ah, it’s all pointless. The true owner of this body that Isabel so desperately seeks is already dead. Because he couldn’t bear the malice of the world. Because he couldn’t endure the stoning called hatred.
“……”
The taut string of reason that had been stretched to its limit suddenly snapped.
I knew this wasn’t something I should be angry about, yet the fury rising from my gut made my ears burn. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. Why did I have to fall into this unfamiliar world and suffer such humiliation? Why did I have to become the object of someone’s ugly desires?
“Forgiveness… forgiveness, huh…”
The last shred of conscience left in my chest shattered into pieces. My eyes flashed open.
“You want my forgiveness that badly?”
“Yes. You’re the only one I have, Kyle.”
“I see.”
It doesn’t matter if she asks what right I have to speak of forgiveness. I can endure being called selfish. Because no matter what it takes, I must escape this damned world.
“Holy Dissolution Agent.”
“Holy… Dissolution Agent…?”
“That’s right. Go get it. Who knows? It might move my heart.”
Holy Dissolution Agent. Holy… Dissolution Agent… Isabel kept muttering the words in a gloomy voice. She looked at me with a bizarre expression that was neither smiling nor crying.
“I’ll bring it.”
Isabel smiled brightly. A thick, viscous pleasure bloomed across her face.
“I can do it.”
Isabel brushed the dust from her knees and stood up. A strange light flickered in her eyes.
“Because I love you.”
It was a blatant lie. There was no way that filthy emotion could ever be called love.
At that moment, something familiar floated into the air.
Ah, that’s right. This was here too.
It’s fine. No, it’s actually good. If the progress ever reaches 100%. If the System eventually intervenes in my fate under the pretext of final settlement—
—Just keep doing these ridiculous things until the moment the System intervenes in your fate, then die cleanly.
—If you die during the causality settlement, the System loses all room to interfere.
Because if I die, it’s all over.
****
I returned straight to the mansion.
That evening, I collapsed with a high fever.
Was it because of that horrific encounter with Isabel? Or had the aftereffects of the mana rampage not fully subsided? Either way, it hurt like hell. The pain was so bad I almost wished I would just pass out.
Everything irritated me. I felt unbearably wronged by this entire situation I was trapped in.
—Aigoo, he’s burning up!
—Seung-jun, get up and at least have some porridge.
—You idiot. You have to eat if you want to get better. Eat.
My parents’ warm voices brushed past my ears. The gentle affection they held for me ached with longing.
I turned my head. Staring at the empty space beside me made my chest throb painfully.
Lee Seung-jun. Yes, that was my real name. Not Kyle Winfred—my true name.
Cold sweat poured endlessly, stinging my eyes. I couldn’t even tell if it was tears or sweat. My head spun and breathing grew difficult. My whole body burned as if covered in fever blisters.
I needed someone I could trust and rely on. Not the twisted emotions being poured onto me, but quiet, genuine care. I was so tired.
The silence of the deep night felt like eternity.
At that moment—creak—the door opened.
Who could it be at this hour?
Too weak to even toss and turn, I barely turned my head. There stood Diana, entering through the open door.
She placed the tray she had been carrying on the bedside table. Soon, a savory aroma tickled my nose.
“I apologize for disturbing you so late at night. I brought soup.”
“……Soup?”
“Yes. You skipped all your meals today.”
Now that she mentioned it, I suppose I had.
“I will help you sit up.”
Diana firmly supported my limp body. I barely managed to lean against the headboard. Just sitting up left me breathing heavily.
While I blinked dazedly, a spoon appeared before my eyes.
“Please open your mouth.”
What? Open my mouth? Was she really going to feed me?
Still half-stunned, I cautiously parted my lips. The soup, warmed to the perfect temperature, slid down my throat and warmed my insides.
The taste of the soup was…
“……It’s bad.”
Bitter, and at the same time, salty. It seemed Diana had made it herself.
“It must be because the high fever has numbed your sense of taste.”
Diana spoke with firm conviction, as if it couldn’t possibly be otherwise. The sight was so amusing that I let out a small chuckle.
After that, I slowly accepted every spoonful of soup she offered. It didn’t taste good, but it was warm. It was only soup, yet it made the bone-deep pain somehow bearable.
Before long, the bowl was empty. A familiar feeling of fullness settled over me.
A moment later, Diana took out a towel and carefully dipped it into the basin of water she had brought.
“Please stay still.”
The cool sensation spread across my face. Every time her gentle hand brushed over my skin, a ticklish feeling stirred in my chest.
Suddenly, I grew curious. What was Diana thinking as she looked at me? Contempt? Hatred? Indifference? Or perhaps pity?
I slightly turned my head to look at her. Her eyes were impossibly calm. The only thing shining in them was pure determination to wipe my face perfectly clean.
Soon after, Diana brought something else to my lips.
“Please take your medicine as well.”
“……Where did you get that?”
“I bought it.”
Only then did I realize. Ah, she’s worried about me. That’s why she came to my room in the middle of the night. To take care of me while I was bedridden.
A warm breeze swept through a corner of my heart. The unfamiliar emotion I felt for the first time since falling into this world made me frown.
Diana’s silver hair, revealed under the moonlight, was dazzling. The tightness in my chest felt like it had been blown wide open, refreshingly cool.
“……Why does this medicine taste so bad?”
“It must be because your sense of taste is numbed.”
“If it’s numbed, shouldn’t I not be able to taste it at all?”
“That is not the case.”
That unchanging attitude of hers strangely brought me comfort. A smile crept across my lips.
I slowly pulled the blanket back over myself. The pain was still there, but for some reason, I felt like I could endure it now.
“…”
“…”
I didn’t hear the sound of the door opening. Diana remained seated in the chair beside the bed, watching over me.
I stayed silent. I knew it was selfish, but tonight, I wanted her to stay by my side.
A cozy silence settled over us.
That night, for the first time, I didn’t have a nightmare.