132. Dependence (1)
132. Dependence (1)
[Episode 132] - Dependency (1)
That night.
No matter how tightly I closed my eyes, the face of Titania, crying and begging me not to leave her side, flickered before me. Saying she liked me. So, please, don't leave her side.
The voice that seemed to resent me, yet eventually collapsed and begged helplessly. The sound of Titania's crying, stuck in my ears, wouldn't go away. How on earth was I supposed to answer?
After I rejected Titania's heart at the end, the child eventually collapsed in place and started sobbing. The trembling voice was soaked with moisture, and her collapsed body sank like wet cotton.
Titania's voice, calling me 'Mother' and begging, turned into the wailing of someone desperately pleading as time passed. Just stay by my side, she said, I don't ask for anything more.
But, no matter how much she begged.
I couldn't accept Titania's heart.
The reason I was trying to push Titania away was, as Titania said, because the feelings she felt for me were not 'normal'. I could only now understand Titania's heart a little.
Because the person she loved kept slipping away from her side. Running away. Just as Titania said, she felt like she was going crazy, so she locked me in this place. To keep the person she loved by her side.
'The problem is that the person Titania loves is 'me', her stepmother...'
I was at a loss because I really didn't know what to do in this case. In the first place, was the 'liking' Titania spoke of really the 'liking' I knew? Not the liking between mother and daughter, but the liking between lovers?
Not the warm feelings felt between mother and daughter, but the intense feelings felt as lovers? I had never even dated before, so it was hard to explain the feelings Titania felt for me.
'In the first place, I haven't even properly started my first love...'
The only thing I could know was that the feelings Titania had for me were, as Titania said, not 'normal'. For women to 'love' each other, and especially for her to love me, her stepmother, was not normal. Even if I conceded a hundred times, I could understand having feelings beyond friendship between women. But, I was the stepmother who raised Titania. In other words, a 'stepmother'. Snow White loves her stepmother?
"Ha."
I let out a hollow laugh without realizing it. Perhaps Titania mistook the love she felt for me as family for love as a lover? I thought it couldn't be explained otherwise, but...
The look in Titania's eyes as she looked at me, saying she liked me, contained a desperation and sorrow I didn't know. Could I just dismiss the emotions contained in those eyes as a mere 'mistake'? Me, who doesn't even know first love?
"......"
For now, I had to leave this place quickly. I had to get away from Titania's side no matter what. Because Titania shouldn't have such feelings for me. She shouldn't say she 'loves' me.
That child was now a Queen. A Queen of a country. Her Majesty the Queen who had to bear heirs and lead this country. Such a child must never say she loves me, a woman, her stepmother.
Suddenly, the words I said to Veronica came to mind. The saying that I was 'poison' to Titania. I let out a bitter laugh because it felt like that was exactly the situation now. Wasn't I the one who ruined Titania in the end?
'I have to leave.'
But, how? There were shackles on my ankles, and Titania came to see me every day. Should I tell her not to come anymore? Should I cut the shackles somehow and run away from here again?
'No, if I did that, Titania might break. I shouldn't leave on my own.'
I wanted to resolve it peacefully through conversation, but Titania didn't even listen to a word I said. So, I had no choice but to coldly reject Titania, who begged me to stay by her side.
I deliberately chose hurtful words to make her lose all affection for me. Only then could I reduce the 'liking' feelings Titania felt for me, even a little.
So, I had to leave. I had to leave Titania's side. Even if it wasn't leaving completely, I felt I shouldn't be this close to Titania.
Because I was by Titania's side, the child was breaking like this. My existence was ruining Titania. I lay in bed, clasped my hands as if praying, and prayed to a god whose name I didn't even know.
Please, let the feelings Titania has for me be just passing feelings. Let it be a momentary mistake felt during puberty. I sincerely prayed that the feelings she felt for me were not love, but just a mistake.
It had to be, it had to be.
Otherwise, Titania would be too pitiful. Because Titania, who had fallen into a love that would never be fulfilled for the rest of her life, was too pitiful. I just prayed that she would quickly forget the 'mistake' that is me and discover a new 'love'.
*
The next morning. Fortunately, the opportunity for Titania and me to distance ourselves came quite suddenly. Titania, who had become awkward since then, continued to speak without making eye contact with me.
"I'm sorry. I don't think I'll be able to visit here often for the time being."
"...Is that so?"
Titania, who visited me early in the morning, said to me with a bitter smile. She was busy with a lot of work as Queen for the time being. So, she didn't think she could visit here often.
Since Titania had been coming here every day and sitting for three or four hours as a default. Had she been putting off work to come see me? Or maybe not. I looked at Titania with a bitter smile.
"That, I suppose, can't be helped."
"...Yes, it can't be helped."
After a few words, silence settled between Titania and me. A subtly awkward atmosphere hung in the air. Since yesterday, the atmosphere was so awkward that I didn't even know what kind of conversations we usually had.
Ahem, I cleared my throat and shook the chain attached to my shackles in the heavy atmosphere. I hinted that it would be okay to unlock them now, but Titania answered with an awkward smile.
"...I'm sorry. I still need Mother. If I unlock this right now, Mother will just run away again, right? So, please stay here a little longer."
"If I promise not to run away, will you unlock them?"
"...Because I can't trust Mother's promise."
In the end, it was a repetition of yesterday's conversation. Sighing because I thought she wouldn't unlock the shackles even if I said more, I put down the chain from my hand. I couldn't help it now, but I had to give up.
Titania looked down at me with a bitter smile.
"Mother told me, didn't you? That we need time to be apart. As Mother said, I also need time to sort out my thoughts for a while. So, couldn't you wait here until then?"
It wasn't a bad proposal.
Since I was the one who suggested that we needed time apart. Fortunately, since Titania also said she was busy and couldn't visit often, it seemed there would be enough time for us to have our own thoughts.
"...Yes, I will do that."
"...If you need anything, you can just tell the maids and servants. Then... I will return to the main castle now."
"Are you leaving already?"
"Yes, since I'm busy. I only took a moment to come here... If I don't go quickly, I might get scolded by the ministers."
Chuckle, I couldn't help but snicker at Titania's appearance. I was worried about Titania, who had been hurt since yesterday, but she seemed to have enough composure to at least laugh.
"You really must be busy. If you're too busy, it's okay if you don't come to visit on purpose."
"I can't do that. I'll make time to visit even if I have to force it. If you need anything, please make sure to tell the maids. Then, I'll be going..."
Titania, who would usually stay here for three or four hours, was trying to leave less than ten minutes after arriving. Does that mean she's that busy? Well, she became a Queen, so it would make sense for her to be busy.
I let out a sigh without realizing it as I watched Titania walk out of the room without looking back. I still couldn't leave this place and was tied to shackles, but it felt like a step forward.
I was happy that Titania had at least thought about listening to my words. If we could widen the distance little by little and have time to think like this, wouldn't Titania understand my thoughts a little?
'...Yes, let's wait.'
Unlike me, Titania is a bright and smart child. If I trust Titania and wait a little, she will come to unlock me. I had faith that if it were Titania, she would definitely understand my thoughts.
Just because she couldn't control her emotions right now, she had gone a little astray, but if she thought about it for herself a little, she would return to how she was in the past. When that time comes, she would unlock me and we would return to the normal relationship we had before.
'When that time comes, let's give her a big hug. Thank her, and thank her for thinking about it again. Tell her I was happy that she loved me. When that time comes, I won't run away, but I'll watch over Titania from a little distance. I'll meet her once or twice a month and stay by Titania's side.'
As time passes, she will forget the 'mistake' that is me.
I believed that and waited for Titania.
*
The first day Titania didn't visit was, honestly, comfortable. There were many books to read in the room, and there were tools for embroidery or drawing, so I wasn't bored. Plus, I was even getting three meals a day regularly.
Since I had a lot of time alone, I had many distracting thoughts and felt depressed, but I still waited for Titania while thinking bright thoughts. I believed that she would surely change her mind and unlock my shackles.
However, one day, two days, three days, four days.
Even after four days passed, Titania did not come to find me.
'Surely, Titania doesn't intend to keep me locked up like this for the rest of my life, right? Were the words she said to me just lies to put me at ease?'
Terrible thoughts kept swirling in my head, but I shook my head and brushed off the gloomy thoughts. I didn't doubt Titania, but I couldn't help but have these thoughts.
The longer I was locked in this room alone, the more resentment raised its head without me knowing, and I began to doubt Titania. The time alone was more painful, desperate, and lonely than I thought.
The maids only gave me 'minimal' answers and didn't try to talk to me. Even if I tried to continue the conversation somehow, the maids ignored my words and focused only on their work.
Thinking this wouldn't do, I tried to cut the chain with the knife that came with the meal, but it was useless as expected. The terribly sturdy chain didn't even think about breaking.
Even if I tried to lift the bedpost, or tried to cut the leather shackles, I failed and was frustrated in everything. I wondered if I should pretend to self-harm, but I was scared of pain, so I didn't even have the courage.
Like that, every time the second hand of the clock ticked, I felt like I was going to go crazy. Why on earth isn't Titania coming to see me? It would be nice if she could at least send word.
'It would be nice if she could at least send a letter saying she couldn't come because she was busy...'
Since Ainsel wasn't there, I didn't know the situation at the main castle, so I became even more curious about Titania's situation for no reason. Was there a reason for the royal castle to be busy at this time? Was it so busy that she couldn't even visit for a very short while?
As I was staring blankly at the window, I heard a bustling sound outside the door. There was only one moment when the maids would bustle like this. I quickly got up from my seat and ran to the door.
Chwareureuk-! The chain bounced on the floor and made a loud noise. Even though it hurt when the chain bounced and hit my calf, I didn't care and paced in front of the door. The tightly closed door opened-
"Ti, Titania. You came...?"
"...I'm sorry. I was so busy with work. I'm very late, right?"
"N, not really? Rather, it was nice to have time to think while being alone."
Titania entered the room with a bright smile. At the sight of Titania, who cupped my cheeks and smiled with her eyes curved, I felt an addictive sense of 'relief' for the first time since coming here.