Ninjas, Turtles, and Alligators
Since I had nothing better to do, I decided to take a stroll through the garden inside the Imperial Palace. I’d heard it was open to those invited to the palace, and it was surprisingly clean and quiet. I’m not usually a fan of sunlight, but an exception could be made for a walk like this. Ah, that’s right—I was the son of Surya, the sun god. As I wandered the garden under his blessing, I spotted Lorcia. She was admiring the flowers, completely unaware of my approach. As the son of the sun god, I couldn’t resist a little mischief.
“What are you doing over there, Tower Master Lorcia?”
Lorcia jumped and spun around. “Ah, shit! You scared me! At least make some noise next time!”
“Ah, sorry. Force of habit…”
After yesterday’s fight with those bastards, my old habits had apparently resurfaced without me noticing. Damn communists. Thanks to them, I was even getting scolded by Lorcia. Truly useless scum. Next time we met, I’d turn them into ultra-red masks instead of super-red ones—meaning I’d rip their bodies clean in half.
“So, what were you doing here?” I asked, curious why the Tower Master had suddenly come to the palace garden just to look at flowers. Had she buried some treasure? In movies, people always hid things in places like this. What kind of treasure could even be hidden here? Sulfuras? The Sword King’s scabbard? What the hell could it be? Surely not Hitler’s gold bars… Actually, thinking about it, that wasn’t entirely impossible. Not when I’d already seen neo-Nazis hurling discriminatory insults at me in this world. Maybe those Nazi bastards had transported Hitler’s gold bars to this other world. It was worth suspecting.
“Did you bury something here?”
“…Ah, no, I didn’t?”
Her reaction told me everything. It really was Hitler’s gold bars. Still, even if it was stolen property buried by neo-Nazis, the right of ownership belonged to the discoverer—Lorcia. I had no intention of starting a muddy fight over claiming someone else’s loot.
“Fine. If you say so, then it must be true.”
“It’s absolutely not buried treasure, so don’t misunderstand! And don’t go telling anyone about it either, got it?!”
“Yeah, yeah, I won’t tell a soul. I can keep the secret that you’re hiding Hitler’s gold bars. As a friend.”
“Oh, by the way, I have something to give you.”
“Something?”
Was she planning to bribe me with a gold bar to keep my mouth shut? As the son of the sun god and heir to the Allied forces that annihilated the Nazis, I wasn’t the kind of man who’d fall for a single gold bar. Two, maybe. If Lorcia tried to bribe me like those cowardly Nazi bastards, my Jeet Kune Do would show no mercy in the name of love and justice.
“Here. This is your first assignment.”
Instead of a gold bar, she handed me an official order detailing the mission. At least it wasn’t a bribe… though somehow that made it feel even dirtier. If it had been a bribe, I wouldn’t have been this annoyed. Maybe I should just throw a one-inch punch at her.
To the Imperial Mage Werner.
Recently, incidents of young children being kidnapped within the capital have been rapidly increasing.
Accordingly, the number of guards and their training have been increased, and they have been deployed on patrol. However, yesterday, four guardsmen were discovered as horrific corpses.
Therefore, I entrust you with the investigation and resolution of this matter. Should you require anything for your activities, request it separately from the Knight Commander Ricardo.
The letter ended there. In short, kidnappings had increased, the guards lacked the skill to handle it, so they were dumping the job on me. These damn bastards. Guard work should be handled by the guards. Why drag other people into it? Honestly, even the guards who died on patrol would have wanted their own unit to solve it. They wouldn’t want some random archmage who just rolled in taking over. And shit, that was the end of it. In a game, they’d at least give experience points, money, or an item. What kind of ridiculous quest design was this? The bastard who designed this quest deserved a capitalist punch to the face.
“Who the hell issued this dogshit order—”
“It’s a command approved by His Imperial Majesty. If you say anything unnecessary and get caught, your head will roll.”
Damn this shitty monarchy.
“You can badmouth the Emperor when no one’s around, right? Shit…”
“Yeah, if this were some back-alley tavern it’d be fine, but this is the palace garden, you idiot.”
Ah, shit, she was right. Even so, badmouthing the owner in someone else’s garden felt wrong. I needed to reflect deeply. The difference between humans and beasts was the ability to reflect. Behold my shining character, immediately accepting criticism. I was an arhat, a sage who had severed all worldly attachments and attained enlightenment.
“By the way, Tower Master Lorcia, do you know anything about these recent kidnappings?”
“I only know they’ve increased. I don’t have details. But something smells off.”
Shit, I’d just washed my hands after using the bathroom. Was she saying the Guardian God of Cleanliness smelled? Even if I did, it should be very faint. I should’ve noticed the moment Lorcia’s hair started turning slightly blue. With that blue hair, exceptional sense of smell, and ability to throw forks and knives while landing one-inch punches, she had to be a descendant of a gourmet. So even my faint smell…
“The Black Round Table.”
Ah, those guys again.
“I think they’re connected somehow… even if not directly, there’s definitely some link.”
Where could those communist bastards be hiding? Given their nature, I was starting to suspect they were burrowed underground in tunnels. Yeah, let’s search for tunnels.
“Tower Master Lorcia, are there any tunnels in the capital?”
“No, why would there be? Ah, there are sewers, though.”
Only alligators lived in sewers. Communist bastards wouldn’t be hiding there. So where were they…
“Come to think of it, there’s a rumor that strange noises have been coming from the sewers lately.”
“That’s because of the alligators. Alligators.”
“Why would there be alligators in the sewers, you lunatic!”
She was denying basic ecology again. It was common sense that alligators lived in sewers. Maybe because she only studied magic, her knowledge of biology was lacking.
“Ah… if not alligators, maybe turtles.”
“Why turtles now, you lunatic!”
She was ignoring ecology again. Wasn’t it common sense that sewers had alligators, ninja turtles, and the rat sensei who trained them? Apparently, the mages of this world only studied magic and looked down on other fields of knowledge. Sigh. To reach the true pinnacle of scholarship, one had to polish every discipline without discrimination. I expressed my sincere concern at their pitiful state.
“It’s common sense that turtles and alligators live in sewers, Tower Master Lorcia.”
“Common sense my ass! Why the hell would alligators and turtles even be there!!!”
Lorcia was now shouting herself hoarse. Shouting in someone else’s house—how rude. Tsk tsk.
“Lorcia, lower your voice. It’s not polite.”
“I’m angry because of who exactly right nowwww!!!”
Good grief, she was loud enough to boil a train whistle into soup. Just then, a voice echoed from afar.
“His Imperial Highness the Crown Prince is arriving!”
See? Because Lorcia was being loud and stupid, even the Crown Prince was coming. But shit—didn’t this mean I was screwed if the Crown Prince showed up? Damn it, thanks to that idiot Lorcia, everything was about to go to hell.