One Spicy Chicken Sandwich
"One spicy chicken sandwich." When I placed my order at the food stall, the female employee replied in a booming voice, "One spicy chicken sandwich, coming right up!" and began preparing it. She sliced the chicken grilled over the sizzling brazier into thick pieces, tucked it between halves of white bread, and sprinkled on various spices.
Damn, this is it. Unfortunately, nothing like fried chicken exists here. Even when I tried to imitate it, it never tasted the way I imagined, and I only ended up wasting oil and meat while getting scolded by Airi.
"Here you go, one spicy chicken sandwich! It's hot, so please eat slowly and carefully!"
"I'm gonna eat it fast, so don't give me orders."
The stall employee chuckled at my joke. While roughly paying for the food, I tossed out another quip. "Can't you give me a discount since I'm this handsome?"
She fired right back. "Then how about you leave a tip as big as I'm pretty?"
"Whoa, at this rate I'm gonna have to sell my house just to eat one sandwich."
"Hehe. Enjoy your meal. Oh, and this is on the house."
The employee handed me a bottle of pineapple juice, calling it a service. Life really is ridiculously easy when you're good-looking. I took the sandwich and headed to a nearby park, settling onto a bench before taking a bite.
The sharp aroma of spices, the savory chicken, the sweet sauce, the crisp lettuce, and the subtle sweetness of the soft white bread all blended together to stimulate my frontal lobe. Some people might prefer fancy course meals, but this kind of B-grade street food is more my style. Even before reincarnating into Werner's body, chicken burgers from fast-food joints were my favorite.
When my throat started to feel clogged, I downed the pineapple juice the employee had given me. The intense sourness and sweetness mixed together, refreshing my mouth.
"Kyah, fuck, this is it. This is the stuff."
Sitting in the park, enjoying good food while lost in thought—that was a hobby Werner and I shared. The only difference was that Werner was a hero and I was a murderous bastard.
"By the way, if you're gonna jump me, do it after I'm done. This thing's expensive for how much there is, so let's finish eating while it's still hot and tasty before we talk."
I'd noticed several guys who couldn't contain their bloodlust for a while now. Looking around, every single person in this park was the same. Damn, there's a shitload of them.
I shoved the last bit of the chicken sandwich into my mouth and polished off the remaining half-bottle of pineapple juice.
"Alright, I'm done. Let's talk, you morons."
At that, the assassins who had been radiating killing intent started drawing their weapons. The old man reading a newspaper on the bench, the couple chatting affectionately, the young man playing an instrument on the ground, the youths playing catch, even the lady walking her dog—they were all targeting me.
Damn, that'd make a perfect novel title. 'The Hitmen Are Obsessed With Me.' Tags: gore, obsession, reincarnation, male lead warning, etc...
"So, who sent you? A crime syndicate? Cultists? My fiancée? Or did some punks I roughed up in the past crowdfund a hit on me?"
The assassins didn't answer. At least they had the decency to wait until I finished eating—unlike some rude bastards I'd dealt with during my two months living as Werner. Even dogs don't bother you while you're eating, so anyone who attacked during a meal got their limbs snapped and tossed into the street.
"What, feeling shy? I am handsome enough to make anyone bashful."
Even after my joke, they charged without a word. So Werner's looks don't work on them either? How high are their standards? Guys like that usually have ridiculously high noses too. I grabbed the high-nosed bastard's hair and slammed his face into the corner of the bench. His nose flattened instantly. Yeah, high noses need to be lowered.
"Next patient for plastic surgery, raise your hand."
Despite my invitation, none of them wanted surgery. Honestly, some of them looked like they desperately needed it—why be shy? Probably because there's no anesthesia. But I don't have any anesthetic, nor the medical knowledge to use it. Performing anesthesia without a license is a crime. So there's only one other option: electric shock. I'll knock them out with electricity and perform the surgery for free, in the spirit of Dr. Schweitzer.
"Lightning, pour down upon the earth right now."
Blitzmon, lord of thunderbolts! Pikachu, Jiwoo's eternal partner! Lend me your power!
A downpour of lightning bolts rained down. Of course, the electric rain avoided me and focused solely on my enemies. The savory smell of grilled meat and acrid smoke hit my nose at the same time. Suddenly craving pork ribs—maybe I should buy some meat on the way back?
"Hey, I held back the power so you won't die. It'll just hurt like hell for a while, so don't worry too much."
No response. Maybe their ears got fried. I raised my voice. "Hey, as your former colleague, let me tell you—you guys suck. So quit hurting people and go sell sandwiches or something instead."
That was my way of saying don't end up like me, regretting everything after reincarnating as Werner. Despite my lesson, they gave no reply—probably unconscious. Not even thanking me for the teaching. Basic manners are nonexistent with these guys. Even the underworld has etiquette.
"Well then, I'm off. Take care of yourselves."
After bidding them farewell, I left the park. If the guards saw that magic and came to question me, it'd be a huge pain. The adventurer guild might be one thing, but if the guards reported Werner's existence to their superiors, I'd be truly screwed.
Werner had fled to this frontier city at seventeen to escape his fiancée. And of course he did—back then, his fiancée was only nine years old. It was an engagement personally arranged by Werner's guardian, the protagonist of Dragnity Fantasy 1, and the archduke of the northern city. When Werner heard the details, he supposedly said to the protagonist and his wife:
"Brother, sister-in-law, are you fucking insane? Have you lost your minds?"
It was the first time he'd ever talked back to his brother, and he got beaten senseless by his sister-in-law that day. Then, the night before the engagement ceremony, Werner ran away to this frontier city of Bechem. A few months later, the protagonist of Dragnity Fantasy 1 caught him. Werner dropped to his knees and begged for his life. There was no way that prideful little girl would forgive the man who broke off their engagement. So he kept pleading for her to just pretend she hadn't seen him.
In the end, the protagonist agreed to overlook Werner's escape on the condition that he take care of his daughter. Werner's pride-wounded fiancée was still searching for him. If she caught him, his limbs would definitely be torn off.
Fuck. Touching my disciple means a bad ending. Getting caught by my fiancée means a bad ending. Even picking Camellia means a bad ending because I'd break my promise to the protagonist of Dragnity Fantasy 1. There's no bed ending—only bad endings. One wrong letter and it's "big sis, I'm dying" instead of "big sis, come save me, I'm actually dying."
"My luck with women is absolute garbage, fuck."
Muttering that, I turned into an alley. I'd told Airi to eat dinner alone, but I should probably go eat with her after all. Sharing a meal and giving her a lecture would definitely turn her back into a polite kid. The smell of grilled meat earlier had made me crave it, so I was heading home with pork in hand. How should I cook this? Whole? Cut up? Or lightly fry it? While pondering, I heard a familiar voice from the alley.
"Seems like you're living quite healthily."
Not a woman. Having another heroine show up would be troublesome. Plus, it wasn't my fiancée, so I felt even more relieved. But a man? Wait a second...
"Huh, could it be..."
"Already forgotten my voice?"
The owner of the familiar voice pulled back his hood. Brown hair and golden eyes identical to Airi's.
"Y-You are..."
"You won't even call me 'brother' anymore, huh."
"B-Brother, why are you here..."
"I had business nearby and thought I'd stop by to talk with you for a bit."
Zig Dragnity. The protagonist of Dragnity Fantasy 1, Werner's guardian, one of the strongest beings in this world, and Airi's father.
Why is my brother here?
"Shall we change locations for a moment?"
Thus began the parent-teacher consultation simulation game where one wrong choice meant instant death.