Light (8)
I already knew.
I knew it all too well.
Light dressed up as information spreads faster than anything else, driving itself deep into the minds of a crowd.
"Kyaaaaaah!!"
"H-hiiik!"
"Shit!! It's that bastard!!"
"E-everyone run!!"
As if they had all agreed on it beforehand, they pulled away. They fell back. Like a massive boulder slamming into the surface of a still lake with a heavy splash—
the water leapt, selves leapt, emotions leapt, and everyone fled into the air to escape that enormous stone.
None of it leapt toward me.
People receded. The scent of life receded. Action itself receded. They tore free of me, thrashed, and ran.
Only the cold air struck me.
It hurt.
"······."
"Mommy····."
"It's okay. It's okay."
"I-I just called the police····!"
When had there gotten to be so many people? There hadn't been anyone when I first came in.
Terror. Fear. Despair. Desperation. Anguish.
It was frightening. I could see their eyes. Our gazes met. It was as if they were screaming at me.
Murderer. Beast. Psychopath. Blood-crazed bitch. Death. Madness.
Without meaning to, I looked away. I opened my mouth, but nothing came out.
My brain reacted, trying to escape into something unnameable. Once again that repulsive circuit spun, and my thoughts were crushed under it.
I tried so hard. I really did. I tried so hard all this time to become something like a person. I really. Truly. Honestly.
I don't know.
A sudden wave of sorrow rose in me.
It was loud. The uproar was enormous. Wind scattered and struck me. And at the center of it all I stood still like an idiot—then, and now.
"Ha, haha."
I don't get it. How did it come to this? Where did it start?
From a self that, under the name of mental illness, grew accustomed to murder.
From their cold, haggard stares fixed on me. From the seething eyes of those who wanted to wring my neck that very second.
From the endless abuse and the soaring condemnation.
I had adapted to it all with composure. I had accepted it with detachment. I had taken in the fact that I was trash, a fool, a vicious little beast.
And then, at some point.
After I started muttering that I was human, after I started spewing delusions like I'm going to change—had light begun to enter my body too? Had the day finally come when sunlight would fall even on the blood-soaked alleys I walked every night?
Even if it meant depending on medication. Even if it meant defending myself by calling it a twisted fate. Had my everyday life begun to change through the proud movements of my own will?
That was what I had let myself think.
Still, I'm different from before. I keep it to three a day. I'm holding on.
Hesitation had taken root. A self had taken root. It had become bearable. Yes. Just a little—just a little—my life had become something better.
That was what I had let myself feel.
Even if I stabbed their hearts and ended their lives, even if I burst their brains and severed their minds, even if I ended up drenched in blood—
I comforted myself. I'm changing, so it's fine. I'm not who I used to be.
Someone like me.
Isn't that right?
In the end, nothing had changed at all.
No matter how hard I tried like the protagonist of a fairy tale, no matter how many dozens of times I crushed and offered up my own heart until pain became familiar, all for the sake of a happy ending—
in the end, I was still the same.
I had grown so used to killing people that guilt had vanished somewhere along the way. In the end, I was nothing more than a beast that hunted for pleasure.
"Please save me····. Save····. Please save me····."
"Snap out of it!! Snap out of it!!"
"Just try coming closer, you insane psychopath bastard!!"
Here and now, the moment they saw my face, every last one of them pulled away from me and fled—bolting out of the shop, tripping, collapsing, falling, crawling under tables to hide and tremble. The environment they had created.
In this place where the sunlight had been swallowed as if the clouds had abandoned it, where no one stood at my side, where it felt as though a vast wall stood between them and me—
I mocked myself.
Left alone, taking the full violence of the chill, cold air that whipped and battered me.
It was as if their laughter was telling me: no matter how high you fly or how hard you crawl, in the end you're still the bastard who feels ecstasy swinging a blade. To them, you're still nothing but trash. Still nothing but a mad bitch.
As if reason itself were being dragged under by instinct.
Standing there like an idiot under the gaze of eyes swallowed by their terror—it was so stupid.
So piercingly lonely, so repulsive, so nauseating that bile rose in my throat.
Without meaning to, I shed tears.
Until now I had always been alone, and that had been fine. So why was I like this all of a sudden?
I just don't know. I tried so hard.
I really am such a pathetic idiot.
Unable to bear the emotion surging up inside me, I turned on my heel and bolted out of the shop. I turned my face away from them and ignored the sunlight that fell on me.
Once again, I fled.
I ran from people. I slipped free of reason. I pulled away from reality.
I didn't know what I was afraid of. And yet my breathing convulsed.
I didn't know what was driving me. And yet my footsteps were fast.
What a wretched life.
Had I ever once resisted?
Had I ever stood against fate the way they do in fairy tales?
After committing murder, I brainwashed myself into believing I was still human. I failed to hold onto reason and quietly let instinct take the reins.
I justified death by blaming this rotten body of mine, and I abandoned my self.
I lost my emotions, sank into despair, and stopped at resignation.
Aside from when I swung a blade, I never even showed the motion of trying to do anything at all.
Orly.
My vision cleared. My vision turned red. I already knew the truth. No tears were coming.
It wasn't that I was forcing myself not to cry like some little brat. It was that there were no tears left to shed.
The sun was bright. The ground it struck was hot, heat rising off it in waves. The air currents were fierce, thrashing as if to flaunt their presence. Noise rang out loudly, surging and rolling.
But the world was dark. Faint, like a life thrashing at the far edge of the abyss. Bone-chillingly cold. Freezing. It made the skin lock up and the mouth fall shut.
Breathe, Orly. Draw the air in slowly, and let it out. Think of nothing. Focus only on your breath.
My vision swayed and dropped. Clutching my muffled chest, I sank to the ground. My head throbbed. I didn't know anymore. Nothing at all.
Not my existence. Not the trail I'd left. Not this world.
Not a single thing had changed.
There is no need to force yourself to cling to anything. No need to drown in anything either. Simply be still. Just breathe. You need not think of a single thing.
"Haa····. Ha····."
A great noise reached me. I lifted my gaze.
A Gate.
I planted my shaking body and stood. Relying on my breath, my vision cleared a little. The scar of sin rooted in the empty air had split open.
Monsters poured out. Mana flashed. The people who had been fighting them toppled one after another. They were swept away by beams of light and sent spinning through the air.
Blood sprayed. Screams filled the space. The voices of the living thinned and vanished.
They fell in ruin, and no one came to help them. One by one, they sank to their knees in emptiness.
They did not stand. They had no intention of standing. They had no strength left to stand.
They simply, quietly, accepted their fate.
It was as if—as if I were standing there among them.
No. Shouldn't I be there too?
Without realizing it, I moved my legs and started walking. But I stopped almost at once.
Because I saw the light.
A massive monster in the shape of a demon had its body pierced clean through by a beam of light. It crashed straight into the ground and billowed out a thick cloud of smoke.
A flashing blade swept the area once more, and as the smoke that had blanketed the ground was peeled away, the figure of a girl appeared.
My eyes opened again.
Even in the dim air and the thrashing currents, her short golden hair—as if it had stolen the sun itself—shone with dazzling brilliance.
Her pure white eyes, facing that ominous Gate, blazed as if they might catch fire, flaunting their presence.
In the midst of that feast of chaos and disorder, she clutched at the countless wounds carved into her body and once more—
staggered back to her feet.
The black uniform that must once have been elegant was torn in so many places it could no longer serve its purpose, but she didn't seem to care in the slightest.
She hadn't even managed to steady her breathing, yet she settled into a stance.
Mana flashed, and a dozen or so beasts charged her. Her sword strokes swept out, and sharp mana crushed their limbs.
Wings tore. Hide was sliced away.
In that same moment, a golem behind the girl kicked her.
She was slammed into the wall and crumpled. The golem's core flared, and an alien mana coiled around its body.
With the golem's roaring bellow, the ground shook. The girl coughed, planted a hand on the floor, gagged a few times, then staggered upright again, her body soaked in red blood.
She leveled her sword and charged. An arm as tall as the girl herself carved through the air. Her blade sank deep into the core, and with a scream that sounded ready to shatter, the golem's body burst apart.
As if her strength had given out, the girl sank down. She planted her sword in the ground and leaned against it, then after a few breaths opened her eyes once more.
A beast beating its wings lunged at her on the spot. Its massive claws gouged open her abdomen, but she clenched her teeth and raised her sword. Light flashed, and the beam drove straight into the beast's heart.
As if scattering into the air, the beast dissolved into dust.
The girl toppled as though collapsing. Her body was torn and gouged in so many places that nothing was left whole. Her breathing had long since fallen apart, and she kept gagging.
Even so, she stood up again.
Gripping her sword, she lifted her head from the ground. Facing forward, she dropped to one knee and then straightened it, holding her stance.
Her eyes were so beautiful. But I could not, for the life of me, tell what was held inside them.
Whether it was an obsession with life, or a terror of death.
Nothing. I could understand nothing at all.
But they were upright. Radiant. Polished and flashing.
And then—those faded eyes of the girl turned toward me.
And they met mine.
The girl flinched.
"You····!"
Looking at her, I hungered.
I turned my gaze for a moment and took in the area around the Gate in a single sweep. She had nearly finished everything; only one staggering golem remained.
"·····Hello."
I said it like that, and stretched out my hand. I pointed at the golem not far from either of us.
Mana flowed from my palm, and the dying golem was wrapped in a red light.
As if a machine had malfunctioned, the golem's head was wrenched forcibly into place and it stood upright. A red horn sprouted from its head, and its core blazed.
Air currents whipped and funneled in around the golem.
The golem let out a thunderous roar.
The girl looked stunned.
"Do your best."
"Y-you insane bastard!!"
A fist drove toward the girl and split the ground. The earth shook and a shockwave rolled outward. She barely dodged and reset her grip on the sword. The golem swept its arm. The air currents shuddered, and the atmosphere turned sharp.
The quality of the wind changed, and the girl spat blood. The golem drove its fist forward; she took the blow and was sent flying.
The golem strode toward her and punched again. Light flashed, and a beam severed the golem's arm. It let out a mechanical scream and staggered backward.
The girl lurched out from the collapsed wreckage. Blood pooled at the corner of her mouth, and the skin across her entire body was not merely torn but splitting open. One hand still clutched her abdomen. She trembled like a pitiful reed. But her sword still pointed at the golem.
Gritting her teeth, she charged. The hesitating golem stopped cold. Then it gathered power into its fist with sudden speed and swung.
Caught by the abrupt acceleration, the girl couldn't react. She took the blow square in the solar plexus and was slammed into the wall behind her. The same place she had fallen before.
She tried to stand and toppled again. She twitched, then sank back down, scattering dust.
I walked over to her. I cleared the debris that had been swept over her and crouched in front of the girl.
Was this as far as it went?
"Is it hard?"
Grind.
I heard a sound like teeth grinding together. The source was her. A faint light gathered and wrapped around her body.
"I—I told you····."
Her voice sounded exhausted, and yet it felt just as strong.
She slowly raised her face. It was covered in blood, and her hair was badly disheveled. But her eyes were not. Even her body, trembling as if it might shatter, was not.
They were aimed straight ahead. Pouring out a hunger directed at something.
"I will····. I will tear you apart····."
Even as she coughed up blood, I still couldn't understand.
Injuries so severe the bone showed had claimed her entire body. Her abdomen had long since been gouged open and soaked in blood, and her frame shook as if recalling the memory of every wound.
And yet she stood. Even though it would have been easier to simply give up, pass out, and let go of consciousness, she planted her feet and straightened her upper body.
"So just quietly—ugh, hhk—wait····."
In that cracked voice, her gaze turned toward the people fleeing the golem and the buildings bursting apart with thunderous noise.
The wind blew again. Light brushed past and tickled the tip of my nose.
I snapped my eyes toward the girl who had thrown herself back in.
The golem's fist carved through empty air, and the girl's sword strike slammed directly into its body. The golem screamed and roared. Her flesh tore open and sprayed blood, but she drove the blade forward all the same and shattered the golem's remaining arm as well.
As if she had hit her limit, her head drooped. Her knees trembled as though they would break and touched the ground.
I still didn't understand. Why she went that far. Why her eyes looked like that.
There was so much I didn't know.
The golem's kick came for her. Its strength had faded; it wasn't that fast. She took the blow to the shoulder and staggered.
The girl lurched and stood once more. Her entire body blazed as if wringing something out of itself. Light flowed into her sword.
It was so dazzling it swallowed even those unknown questions whole. At some point every nerve and every sense I had was turned toward her. My gaze tried to seize her, and my brain hungered for her.
Even if overwhelming force drove her to her knees, she ultimately planted her feet and rose—and I found myself staring with my mouth open, drool dripping down.
That tenacious scent of life, which might collapse once but would never break, was more than thrilling. It was intoxicating.
She was different.
The golem kicked her in rapid succession. Blow after blow landed on her abdomen and chest and burst. She staggered, spraying blood. Her whole body split, tore, and was gouged open. And still she did not let the sword leave her hand.
Her blade blazed. It drew in the surrounding air currents and forged a concentration of atmosphere. Wind and light whipped in around the sword and formed a single ring.
Just like that, the girl thrust her arm forward. In a single strike, the blade drove through to the golem's core and impaled it. The golem's body shattered, fragments scattering in every direction.
"Heh.."
In that fleeting instant—as the girl smiled, as she heaved once and vomited blood, as she collapsed to the floor—
I could only watch her.
Watch her, to the very end, crush the golem's core tight in her fist—
with a smile so fierce it looked ready to tear her face apart.