Heat (1)
Looking back on it, maybe my body had been a little off for a while — or so I thought, through the haze clouding my mind.
If I had to pin it down, it had probably started yesterday. That was when things first felt strange.
My head went fuzzy. My movements grew sluggish. A feverish, dreamlike sensation clung to me and refused to let go.
Even when I'd tried to hide in the bathroom, it was the same. Getting caught because I'd knocked something over — that never would have happened to the usual me.
I talked less. I got sleepier. I stopped flinching quite so hard at physical contact.
Ordinarily, I would have refused something like a massage. Whether the other person was trustworthy or not, baring my body so defenselessly simply wasn't something I did.
And yet, when the offer came, what had I said?
"…Okay."
I'd agreed.
"Mmh…! Ah, i-it's fine…."
I'd accepted it.
"Nn… hah, n-nngh…."
And I'd panted.
That was probably when the real signs had started to show.
Of course, the massage had felt good. Having a body that had been locked up tight and neglected for so long pressed and kneaded loose — it was so refreshing my mind went blank.
But was it really enough to make me pant like that?
My body had heated up. My breath had grown hot. My fingers and toes had clenched tight. My head had gone even foggier, until nothing remained but a vague, overwhelming sense of good.
That instinctive feeling of slipping from "a person" back into "an animal." I should have noticed then.
"Hyaaang?!"
When he'd touched my waist, something clearly wrong had happened.
A sharp, electric sensation had radiated from my lower back through my entire body. My limbs had jerked and twitched on their own. My breath had spilled out as a strange, heated sigh. Deep in my belly, a low, resonant ache had begun to build.
It was an old sensation. As long as I was born a beastkin, there was no escaping it.
"Haaang! Nngh, aah…! Hieuk, nngh…!♥"
I couldn't hold back the moans. I couldn't stop my body from convulsing. My mouth, my expression, my mind — everything had melted into something wet and sticky. Burying my face in the pillow had been the last scrap of reason I had left.
Four times a year. Once each season — a beastkin's heat.
The reason I hadn't noticed sooner was that it had come earlier than usual this year. By my normal calculations, there should have been more than a week left before it hit.
And it wasn't just the timing. The intensity was far stronger than in previous years — far more sensual, more aching, more throbbing. I had no idea why.
"…Nnh."
But either way, there was only one thing I needed to do.
Find the medicine and take it. As quickly as possible.
"…Hot……."
The voice that slipped out was so hoarse I could barely believe it was mine.
I opened my eyes and looked around. The room was dark — not just because the lights were off, but because it was dark outside the window, too. The sun had already set. I had no idea how much time had passed.
There was no sign of anyone else, either.
"Nnh…"
I managed to get down from the bed and set my feet on the floor. The moment I did, my legs nearly gave out; I barely caught myself. They trembled under a sticky, heavy sensation.
"…Water."
The medicine could wait — first, the thirst was unbearable. I staggered toward the water dispenser.
"Like this… like this…"
With shaking hands, I picked up a cup and set it under the dispenser. When I pressed the button, a soft chime sounded and water filled the cup.
It amazed me every time I saw it. It didn't seem like magic, and yet pressing a button made water come out. What on earth was the principle behind that?
"Aahm…"
The sound of my own throat working — a hard swallow — echoed through the room.
As the cold water entered my body, my head cleared a little. Unfortunately, in this situation, a clearer head wasn't necessarily a good thing. It just meant I could feel my current state that much more precisely.
"…Sticky."
That was the first thing my half-awake mind registered. My clothes were soaked through with sweat — damp and clammy. Not just my upper body. My lower half was the same. No — my lower half was even more…
"…"
Just rubbing my thighs together slightly produced a wet, sticky sound. The sigh that escaped me carried heat with it.
"…Hot."
I could feel my body heating up again. My skin throbbed with desire.
"Ugh…"
Faced with a heat that flooded past all reason, I finally gave in and yanked my top off in one motion.
The damp fabric hit the floor with a soft thud. My sweat-slicked body was exposed to the air.
But contrary to my expectations, even without the top, a tightness still remained across my chest. I figured out why soon enough.
"…Ah. The underwear…"
The gray undergarment covering my chest caught my eye. A brassiere, was it called? Something Eunhyuk had bought for me. Aside from being a little tricky to put on, it felt nice and was comfortable to move in, so I'd rather liked it — but…
"Nngh…"
Right now, soaked through with sweat, it was nothing but stifling.
I reached behind my back, fumbling for the hooks. With trembling hands I struggled and fretted until I got them undone, then slipped my arms free of the shoulder straps.
Just like before, the undergarment fell to the floor with a soft thud.
"Haaaah…"
Bare from the waist up, I let out a faint sigh. My body trembled finely.
"I might be… a little embarrassed…"
There was shame. But the sense of liberation was stronger.
The pleasure of bare skin itself. The excitement that followed from it.
Heat drives a person mad. It muddies the mind, blots out shame, and paints everything over with arousal and sensuality. It digs into reason. With the aching throb building in the belly, it urges something onward.
At least for this moment, I was glad Eunhyuk wasn't here.
I didn't want him to see me like this.
"…Ah. The medicine… I need to take it…"
Come to think of it, where was the medicine? I'd left it with Eunhyuk to store somewhere, but I couldn't remember where.
A mind already swallowed by heat couldn't even recall something that simple. I should have looked for the medicine first. That was a mistake.
"Haaah…. So hot…"
In the end, I gave up on taking the medicine and trudged back toward the bed.
It really was so much worse than previous years. My heat had always been relatively mild — just a slight warming — and yet.
I collapsed onto the bed.
"Nngh…!"
A sensitive part of my body brushed the blanket and jerked up with a jolt.
My arms, trembling with pleasure, groped across the bed for something to hold. They found something and dragged it right up in front of me. A pillow. Feeling its soft texture against my hypersensitive skin, I buried my face in it.
"Sss—…"
I drew in a deep breath just like that.
"Hah, nn……."
An incredibly comforting scent lightly numbed my mind.
This smell. Different in nature, but just like heat itself, this scent drove me crazy too.
My head went hazy. A shiver ran down my spine. A scent I normally barely noticed except when I was drunk was now sharper and clearer than ever before.
"Hnn, aah…♥"
Reason was melting away.
My breath grew hotter. An unbearable throb, as if someone had lit a fire inside me, rose stronger and stronger, little by little.
Grabbing the pillow might have been a mistake. But even realizing that, there was nothing I could do about it.
"Hoo…. Hnn, ah…♥"
With one hand, I nuzzled my face against the pillow while the other went to my waistband. I slipped my fingers between the fabric and my skin. Lightly gripping the thick cloth, I slowly pulled it down.
"Hoo…♥"
A soft thud sounded.
I reached for my underwear next, but this wouldn't come down the way I wanted. It was stuck fast, wet and clinging.
"…♥"
I had no choice but to bring my hand back and clutch the pillow with both hands. I buried my face deep and slowly repeated deep breaths.
I just wanted Eunhyuk not to come home for one day — no, even just a few hours would be fine. I wasn't in my right mind right now. Even through the haze, I knew that much.
I didn't want him to see me like this and hate me. I didn't want him to be disappointed. I didn't want him to be disgusted.
I hated heat to begin with. It stole my strength, my reason, my control — and then had the shamelessness to writhe and demand even more.
Do you know how terrifying it is to show someone your bare body and your bare instincts?
"Ugh…"
A sudden surge of emotion welled up. Even that got stained with arousal, transforming into something heated.
This is what heat is. It's nothing like the clean, pure kind of lewdness the world seems to want. It's something far stickier, far heavier.
I want to be alone. I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want to see anyone else, either.
In this state, calm is the only medicine. Struggling to hold onto sanity. Without the real medicine, that was the only way.
It would settle down soon enough. The peak of heat doesn't last long — only a brief moment. If nothing happened in the meantime, I'd be fine. I was sure of it.
"…Cecilia?"
I would have been fine.
Until I heard that voice, that was what I thought.