Chapter 133: Still Loving You
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 133: Still Loving You
Upon learning of Katrina’s involvement in Esmeralda’s death, Herdin immediately departed for the Imperial Capital.
When Herdin quietly sought out Katrina, his first words were neither an interrogation nor an outburst of anger.
“Did you know that my wife went to the Empress's Palace that day?”
He was asking if she had knowingly used her own daughter’s life as a pawn.
“How could a mother use her own daughter’s life? I did not kill that woman!”
Katrina desperately denied it. Watching her, Herdin sneered coldly.
Nausea churned in his gut as he watched her scream in spiteful rage, her face a twisted reflection of Blair’s.
“Then at the very least, you used my wife—the victim of that incident. You used her to hide the truth and escape suspicion.”
“…”
“How fortunate for His Majesty that my wife just so happened to have an accident on that day, in that very place.”
Katrina couldn't counter his sarcasm, only managing to open her mouth after a long pause.
“I…!”
But Herdin, watching her with cold eyes, cut her off.
“I will not ask any more about that incident. However…”
He swallowed his rising anger and continued.
“Never try to play the part of a loving mother to my wife again.”
“…”
“That is my condition for burying this incident.”
Ivan and Katrina had always been too busy securing their own interests, using Blair like a leash to get what they wanted.
Had they ever truly been a loving mother and brother to Blair?
The answer was not difficult to guess.
Yet, they were Blair's only mother and brother.
He knew that Blair, who had lived her entire life as a dutiful daughter, would be shattered to learn her own mother had used her accident as a tool.
Thus, instead of clearing Esmeralda’s name, Herdin chose to bury the truth, prioritizing Blair’s well-being above all else.
Because she was more precious to him than the truth he had chased his entire life.
Burying his guilt toward Esmeralda deep in his heart, Herdin stepped out of the Palace of the Grand Empress Dowager, only for Blair to appear before him.
His wife, whom he hadn't seen in half a year, was now visibly pregnant. The sight of her round, swollen belly, which had grown in his absence, was incredibly lovely.
“Herdin. Can’t you spare me just an hour—no, even thirty minutes…?”
His wife pleaded, her beautiful eyes gazing at him earnestly as she cradled her swollen belly.
In the carriage back to the Delmark Ducal Mansion, Blair had asked him to feel her belly, but Herdin refused.
He was afraid that if he felt her warmth, felt the baby's movements, he would forget his cruel power and give in to the desire to stay by her side.
Suppressing his burning desire to touch her, he visited Blair's bedroom that night while she slept.
But he couldn't bring himself to touch her, afraid of waking her from her light, uncomfortable sleep. He could only watch her in silence.
Seeing her carrying his child only solidified his resolve. He had to sever her feelings for him, even if it meant giving up on finding a cure for himself.
Since I cannot let go of you—you who carry my child, you who still love me despite being so deeply hurt—I need you to let go of me.
There were barely two months left until the child was due.
Herdin resolved to return before then, no matter what.
“…Just wait a little longer.”
He whispered, then stood up.
But that promise could not be kept.
* * *
A little over a month later, Herdin, who was searching for a way to sever the power of the Divine Beast in a set of ancient ruins, received sudden news.
“Your Grace! Madam has given birth to a young master!”
At those words, Herdin’s gaze trembled.
“The baby… has been born? I thought there were still more than fifteen days left until the due date.”
A due date was only an estimate, not a guarantee—a fact lost on a man who had never experienced pregnancy or childbirth.
Confused by the sudden news, Herdin immediately asked about Blair's condition.
“And my wife? Is she alright?”
“Yes. Both are in good health,” Ruth added joyfully. “Congratulations on becoming a father, Your Grace.”
Relieved that Blair was safe, Herdin could only manage a hollow laugh at Ruth's congratulations.
He had left his wife to struggle through childbirth alone, and for what? He had still failed to find a way to save her.
He had become a father without ever properly acting as a husband or a parent.
Was he supposed to be happy about this?
Did he even deserve to be congratulated?
At the very moment he should have been happier than anyone in the world, he was crumbling under a terrible sense of helplessness.
* * *
For six months after the child was born, Herdin did not visit the Delmark Ducal Mansion even once.
During that time, he gave up on finding a way to break the Second Constraint and changed his approach. He would hunt down and kill every last black mage.
Herdin killed, and killed, and killed. He hunted down every black mage he could find, convinced that one of them had to be the one who cast the spell on him and Blair.
But no matter how many he slaughtered, the imprint connecting him to Blair remained. The endless killing hollowed him out, leaving him numb.
And yet, he still loved her.
And she, too, still loved him.
It was a terribly persistent emotion.
Just as the repeated slaughter was turning him numb to everything except her, Miella, who had been lingering around him, made a proposal.
“Use me, Your Grace.”
Miella suggested he use her to sever Blair's feelings for him. Numbed by the slaughter, Herdin accepted without a second thought.
He would use Miella to sever Blair's feelings for him, then spend the rest of his life holding her close while bearing her hatred and resentment. That would be enough.
His reputation, which the scandal would ruin, meant nothing. Even Blair's pain meant nothing. Numbed by the constant killing, the only thing he could still feel was his love for her.
And so, Herdin returned to Blair's side. Along with Miella.
* * *
Another half a year passed.
When Herdin first returned, Blair tried to use Asiel to mend their relationship, but she soon gave up in resignation.
Yet, her eyes still held love for him.
She must have known that people both inside and outside the mansion were whispering that Miella was his mistress.
Just as he was beginning to feel nothing but despair at the sight of Blair's unwavering love, Miella came to him.
As she tended to the wounds Herdin had sustained from slaying a black mage, she asked, “Why don't we show the Duchess our relationship a bit more directly?”
One of Herdin's brows arched.
“…Directly?”
“For example… Your Grace could take me.”
Herdin let out a dumbfounded laugh, but it vanished in a split second. His eyes turned razor-sharp as he glared at her.
“I suspected as much from a woman of God who claimed to adore a married man with a child, but I never thought you'd act like a common whore.”
“But you want to save the Duchess.”
“…”
“I know you won't love me, even if you take me. I have willingly resolved to fall from grace for your sake.”
Miella's expression was as solemn as someone making a noble sacrifice. She was drunk on her own emotions, completely oblivious to his, and he found her utterly repulsive.
“…You are completely insane.”
“I love you. I love you, Your Grace.”
Miella confessed, seemingly blind to Herdin's reaction, and threw her arms around him.
A sense of wrongness washed over him, and Herdin was about to fling her off when his eyes caught the slightly ajar door of his office.
Through the crack in the door, his eyes met Blair's.
Her large, violet eyes were trembling violently.
Only then did Herdin realize that all of this was Miella's trap. At the same time, her words echoed in his mind.
‘But you want to save the Duchess.’
If he could just endure this one moment, he might finally sever her love for him—without ever having to sleep with Miella.
After a brief hesitation, Herdin pulled Miella into his embrace and looked at Blair.
Just this once. If I do this just once, I can save her, he repeated to himself.
Nausea churned in his gut during that split second that felt like an eternity. Then Blair, her eyes filled with hurt, turned and walked away.
Watching her leave, Herdin let out a hollow laugh.
She was the one who had been hurt, yet his own chest felt cold and hollow, as if a hole had been carved right through it.
* * *
The next day, Blair left with their child, leaving word that she was going to the villa to celebrate Asiel's birthday.
Yet, the imprint still remained.
Checking the imprint on his back, Herdin let out a laugh that sounded like a sob.
Just what am I to you?
How can you not let go of me? Me, who hated you for your mother's sins. Me, who never once visited while you suffered carrying our child.
He was certain now.
Even if he told her the truth about the imprint, even if she learned it could kill her… she would never be able to let him go.
Realizing that hurting Blair any further was useless, Herdin sent Miella away that very day.
He planned to go to the villa where Blair and Asiel were staying and celebrate his son's birthday.
Until he received information regarding the ancient ruins.
“Your Grace, it is reported that ancient ruins related to the Divine Beast have been discovered in the western Elir Plains.”
Asiel's birthday was still ten days away, and he could reach the Elir Plains in a week if he rode without rest.
Herdin altered his plans to go to the villa and headed for the ancient ruins instead.
He clung to the faint hope that they could still spend Asiel's birthday together—as a family of three, for the very first time.