Chapter 132: Unspoken Feelings
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 132: Unspoken Feelings
"Did I do something wrong? If I did, I'll fix it."
At Blair's question, asked in complete ignorance of the circumstances, Herdin could only let out a hollow laugh, unable to answer.
The fault lay not with her, but with him.
It was the sin of loving her. The sin of dragging her into the clutches of black magic because of that love.
"…No."
"If something is wrong, please tell me honestly. I am your wife, after all."
Blair pleaded, her eyes brimming with tears. But the sight of her, so lovely even in her distress, paradoxically made it impossible for him to tell her the truth.
He couldn't make her tremble with anxiety by telling her she might be caught in his mana rampage.
"Nothing is wrong."
Herdin replied, cupping her cheeks. He leaned in as if to kiss her, locking his gaze with hers.
Her lovely violet eyes reflected his image, just as they always did.
"Herdin?"
"…It's alright."
I will save you, no matter what. I will resolve everything and return to your side.
"Everything will be fine."
It was a reassurance for her, but at the same time, a vow he made to himself.
Herdin kissed her, turning away from her eyes that pleaded for an answer. Instantly, her sweet scent washed over him, mingling with the warmth of the alcohol.
His desire, long starved of her warmth and scent, flared uncontrollably with just a single kiss.
Swept away by emotion, he took her hurriedly, not even pausing to undress.
"Ah, Herdin…"
Though she struggled to accept him so suddenly, her body not yet ready, Blair still wrapped her arms around Herdin.
That small warmth, that tiny gesture showing she craved him as desperately as he craved her, drove him mad.
After reaching his peak, Herdin tried to regain his reason and pull away, but Blair held him fast. She wrapped her slender arms around his back and kissed him.
At her desperate attempt to hold onto him, the fragile thread of reason he had managed to reclaim snapped completely.
Herdin claimed Blair all through the night.
He left his marks on her pale skin, endlessly filling her with his heat. Over and over, relentlessly, as if engraving her very existence into his soul.
Even though he knew his presence put her in danger and that he would have to push her away again once the night was over, he could not bring himself to stop.
He only came to his senses when he woke at dawn the next morning.
Seeing Blair fast asleep in his arms, Herdin regretted his impulsive behavior from the night before.
He had to keep Blair at a distance until this was resolved, and since he couldn't tell her why, he should never have let himself get so swept up in his emotions.
Yet even as he thought this, he found it laughable how desperately he wanted to remain by her side.
Barely managing to compose himself, Herdin got out of bed before Blair could wake. He feared that if she opened her eyes and looked at him, he would lose all resolve and stay.
But the moment he rose, Blair opened her eyes. As Herdin froze under her gaze, she blinked away her sleepiness, reached out to grab his hand, and asked:
"…Are you very busy today as well?"
When Herdin remained silent, Blair leaned her cheek against his hand and asked more directly:
"If you aren't busy, won't you stay with me just a little longer?"
The plea for love in her eyes and the warmth of her hand, desperately clinging to him for fear he would leave, broke his heart.
Herdin barely managed to swallow his emotions as he gently pulled his hand from her grasp. Pulling the blanket over her slender, exposed shoulders, he spoke in a voice forced into indifference.
"Get some more sleep."
As he turned away, the image of her vulnerable, trembling eyes burned itself into his heart, refusing to fade.
* * *
After that, Herdin distanced himself from Blair once more, focusing entirely on gathering information about black magic. His sole motivation was to reclaim the peaceful life he had shared with her.
However, he only managed to uncover the most basic of facts: to break the curse, the caster must die. He could find no other way, nor could he locate the one who had cast the spell. To make matters worse, he now suffered from nightmares even when Blair was not by his side.
As time dragged on without any progress, his resolve to fix this and return to her side began to waver.
Only then did Herdin doubt his choice for the first time.
Should I have told you the truth and let you go instead?
Then one day, Mason sought him out in a panic, bearing unexpected news.
"Your Grace, Madam has… collapsed."
He reported that Blair had fainted while attempting a session with a hypnotist she had brought in.
By the time Herdin rushed to her side, Blair had fortunately regained consciousness. However, her face was pale with clear distress as she listened to the physician.
Is it a serious illness?
Just as his heart sank with a dark premonition, the physician spoke in an excited, breathless voice.
"Congratulations, Your Grace. Madam is with child."
The physician tactfully excused himself to give the couple privacy, leaving them alone in the room.
Stunned by the unexpected news, Herdin stared blankly at Blair, his gaze falling to her still-flat stomach.
Inside her, their child was growing.
Through the countless nights they had spent together, he had vaguely imagined that they would become parents one day. He had never doubted that a child who took after them would bring them even greater happiness.
Yet, even though he had received the very news he had longed for, he could not bring himself to rejoice.
Why now, of all times? Why now, when I cannot even stay by your side?
Though he should have been overjoyed, worry consumed him first. He was seized by the terrifying fear that this child might inherit his dreadful fate.
At the same time, anger flared within him—anger at the circumstances that had driven her, in her delicate condition, to resort to hypnosis, and anger at his own helplessness. Unable to suppress his rage, it lashed out in the wrong direction.
"Why on earth did you attempt hypnosis?"
Blair, who had been about to speak of the baby, flinched at his sharp tone. She answered defensively, as if making an excuse.
"I know you are investigating the truth behind the Empress's Palace Fire Incident from ten years ago. I wanted to help you…"
Hearing Blair's words, Herdin smiled bitterly.
It seemed someone had let slip to her that he was investigating the fire.
Upon hearing that, she must have forced herself to relive the memories she feared most.
All to appease him. All to desperately hold on to his drifting heart.
Realizing the desperation that had driven her to attempt hypnosis, a lump formed in his throat.
Rather than worrying about how she had found out, his priority was to ensure she would never dare attempt such a dangerous stunt again.
"You turned a blind eye for ten years, and now you suddenly feel guilty?"
"…"
"Don't do anything else. Just stay still. Just as you have always done."
For the first time, Blair wept.
Though she had often looked on the verge of tears, she had never actually cried in front of him before. But that day, she could not hide her tears. She looked utterly heartbroken.
He wanted to pull her into his arms and comfort her, to tell her that none of it mattered and that nothing in the world was more precious to him than she was.
But he could not let momentary emotions sway him and put her in danger.
If the worst came to pass, he had to be prepared to destroy her love for him completely.
Leaving the weeping Blair behind, Herdin stepped out of the room. The moment the door clicked shut, he collapsed to the floor.
Only then did it hit him that he had never once told her he loved her.
The unspoken feelings returned like a dagger, piercing his chest.
Faced with this cruel reality, a hollow laugh that sounded like a sob escaped from between his clenched teeth.
* * *
Not long after, Herdin departed for Delmark Main Castle, where more of his ancestors' records were kept.
He left Blair, who carried his child, all alone.
* * *
Even through the agonizing pain of feeling as though he had left his heart behind, time marched on.
From the summer he left Blair's side, through autumn and into winter, his investigation into black magic yielded little progress.
Herdin now wished Blair would simply hate and resent him. He believed that if it could break the shackles of this terrible power, and if it meant she would be safe from him, he would be content.
Even if she no longer loved him, he would love her for eternity. That would be enough.
Yet, her feelings for him remained unbroken—just like the letters that arrived every week.
[Herdin, a few days ago, the baby moved for the first time. Actually, I'm sure it wasn't the first time—the baby has probably been saying hello for a while—but this is the first time I've noticed.
They say the baby can hear its mother's and father's voices now. I wish you were here to greet the baby, too…]
[Herdin, the wind has grown very cold. They say the North is even colder. I hope you're doing well.
Our baby is growing wonderfully. Lately, the movements have become very active. Hmm, this is just my guess, but given how strong the kicks are, I think it might be a son who takes after you. Of course, a daughter would be wonderful too. What do you think…]
Even as he wished for her love to fade, he found himself foolishly overjoyed whenever he received her letters. At the same time, his heart ached, heavy with the replies he could never send.
He missed her so much; he wanted to hold her.
He wanted to caress her belly, which must have grown quite round by now, and whisper a greeting to their child.
Then one day, news arrived that forced him to return to the Imperial Capital.
"Your Grace, the true culprit behind the Empress's Palace Fire Incident… appears to be the Grand Empress Dowager."