Chapter 126: Terribly Cruel
Translator: RaidenTL
Chapter 126: Terribly Cruel
Herdin’s unexpected confession made Blair’s eyes tremble, but only for a moment. An instant later, her face twisted in pain.
Paradoxically, the very words she had so desperately longed to hear only ripped open old wounds that had never healed.
“I love you.”
She had heard those words from him in her past life, too.
In that life, he had looked at her with gentle eyes, held her softly, and whispered those same words.
She would never know if that gentleness, that warmth, and those words had been a complete lie or if, for just a moment, they had been sincere.
But even if he had been sincere, she knew better than anyone how meaningless it was. She was living proof of that futility—her very existence here, having returned from the past, was a testament to it.
Of course, she knew that her actions had caused many things to deviate from the past.
‘But can feelings truly change?’
Even after living through that past, even after being hurt again, her feelings for him hadn't changed.
No matter how much she denied them, suppressed them, and turned away, she couldn't control the emotions that grew inside her.
Would he be any different?
Tragically, to acknowledge her feelings for him was to abandon all trust and expectations she had of him.
She didn't have the confidence to watch him change again. Nor did she have the courage to trust him with the hope that this time would be different.
Because those hopes had already been shattered time and time again.
And even then, she hadn't been able to let him go.
If those hopes were shattered again, she knew she wouldn’t just hate him—she would find her own foolishness so loathsome that she wouldn't be able to stand it.
Therefore, her answer to his confession was already decided.
It had been, from the moment she opened her eyes in the past.
"I'm sorry."
As Blair spoke, her eyes and voice were perfectly steady.
Her composure drove Herdin mad. It was the reaction he had expected, yet he couldn't accept it.
"...Do you really love that bastard?"
"Mikhail has nothing to do with this," Blair said, drawing a firm line.
Herdin desperately searched for another reason—any reason why she couldn't love him.
Just then, the face of Miella, who had approached him earlier, flashed through his mind.
He also recalled that his discomfort around Miella stemmed from something Blair had once told him.
"Or is it because of that woman? Because of that future, or prophecy, or whatever it is?"
He still didn't believe a word of it.
The very idea of loving another woman instead of Blair was absurd.
But he couldn't change the fact that Blair believed in that future. If he could, he would rip the future version of himself she had seen out of existence.
"It could be different from the future you saw."
"Herdin."
"I... I could love you."
"Stop looking for the reason in other people. This is about my own feelings."
At her words, Herdin was finally forced to face the truth he had refused to admit.
Just as Blair said, it wasn't about others. It was about her feelings.
He couldn't accept that she didn't love him, rather than being simply unable to.
Herdin's grip on Blair's arm tightened. He knew he should let her go, but his mouth moved of its own accord.
"Why can't it be me?"
"..."
"I'm your husband."
As he grasped for a reason she should love him, his eyes fell on her swollen belly.
"It's our child."
"..."
"Is even that not enough of a reason to love me?"
Looking at his desperate state, Blair smiled bitterly.
The more he showed his sincerity, the more the memories of his past life rushed back like a nightmare—the sight of him turning away from her, juxtaposed with the gentleness he showed now.
She had to end this.
"Emotions aren't strictly necessary to get married and start a family."
The words he had once carelessly thrown at her to keep her by his side now came back to pierce his own chest, and the wound throbbed with fresh pain.
For the first time, a belated question surfaced in his mind.
Did my words hurt you back then?
No, since you didn't love me, you probably felt nothing.
He had hoped his words hadn't hurt her, but in the end, he found himself wishing that she, too, had been wounded by them.
While he was lost in those foolish thoughts, Blair took hold of the hand gripping her arm.
Herdin stared into her calm eyes—void of excitement, confusion, or even resentment—and finally let his hand fall away.
"I'll go in first."
Releasing his hand, Blair turned and walked away.
Watching her leave, a hollow laugh escaped Herdin’s lips.
The night wind brushed against his hand, now cold without her warmth, and it stung.
* * *
Ruth had been organizing documents late into the night. After a quick shower, he stepped out of the bathroom.
On the way to his room, he heard the sound of maids whispering. The quiet of the night made their hushed voices carry with unusual clarity.
Ruth was about to walk past when he noticed their serious expressions and decided to approach.
"Is something the matter?"
"Ah, Sir Ruth. Well... the seasons are changing, and Madam has been coughing, but she told us not to light the fireplace. If she catches a cold, she won't be able to take any medicine. It will be so hard on her."
"Ah..."
Ruth finally understood their grave expressions.
Only Lina, Meli, and Mason knew that Blair suffered from pyrophobia. It was a closely guarded secret among the servants of the Delmark Ducal Mansion.
The Duchess's weakness would inevitably become the Duke's weakness.
Unaware of this, the maids naturally worried that if Blair fell seriously ill, the blame would fall on them.
"Has His Grace not retired to his chambers yet?"
"No, not yet."
Herdin should have been in his bedroom by now.
‘But he always slept in the bedroom,’ Ruth thought.
Even right after he found Blair in Nerha and brought her back, when their relationship seemed strained, they had always slept together.
‘He handled most of the urgent business before leaving for Nerha, so there shouldn’t be anything keeping him up this late.’
Puzzled, Ruth decided to reassure the maids first.
"I will speak to the Duke. For now, do as the Madam says."
"Understood."
After the maids departed, Ruth made his way to Herdin's office. He knocked and waited, but there was no response.
‘Is he not in his office?’
Ruth tilted his head. He recalled that Herdin had returned from the banquet about an hour ago. At this hour, he was unlikely to be anywhere but his office or his bedroom.
After waiting another moment, Ruth carefully opened the office door. Thick cigar smoke immediately invaded his lungs.
"Cough..."
Coughing reflexively, he stepped inside. A familiar silhouette was visible in the room, illuminated only by moonlight.
Herdin was smoking in the dark. He must have gone through several, as the air was heavy with smoke.
Ruth was about to nag him as usual but stopped when he met Herdin's eyes. His gaze, shrouded in darkness, was chilling.
While Ruth hesitated, Herdin broke the silence.
"What is it?"
"Ah, it's nothing major... I was just wondering if you had gone to bed. I heard the Madam has a bit of a cold but hasn't been lighting the fireplace."
Hearing this, Herdin let out a smirk. It was gone in an instant, vanishing from his face as if it had never been there.
His eyes, now stripped of all amusement, were still chilling, yet they held a hint of loneliness.
"Then... please get some rest."
Deciding this was not a matter for him to interfere in, Ruth quietly exited the office.
Herdin roughly swept his bangs back and took one last drag from his cigar, exhaling a sigh of smoke before stubbing it out. Then, as if to cleanse his palate, he drained a glass of whiskey, stood, and headed for the bedroom.
The room was quiet. Its occupant was fast asleep.
Herdin placed firewood in the hearth, pulled out his lighter, and skillfully lit a fire. The chilly room was quickly filled with warmth.
Staring quietly at the burning embers, he let out another hollow laugh.
It was ironic that Blair, who had pushed him away and claimed to hate him, still had no choice but to rely on him.
But what was even more pathetic was his own role in this—acting as kindling for the very woman who hated him.
His empty laughter stopped the moment a soft cough echoed from the bed.
He approached and saw Blair sound asleep. Heavily pregnant, she couldn't lie on her back and was curled on her side, hugging a pillow.
He sat in the chair beside her bed and watched her sleep, then gently brushed away the strands of hair veiling her face. With her coughing subsided, she looked incredibly peaceful.
He hated her for refusing him so stubbornly, yet his heart still raced at the sight of her.
He longed for her, wanted to hold her, wanted to kiss her.
The reality that he could expect no affection in return for that warmth struck him as terribly cruel.
"...Blair."
Herdin's hand reached for hers but stopped just inches away, unable to make contact.
"Please, love me."
His low voice, a broken sound between a hollow laugh and a sob, scattered into the darkness of the quiet night.