Someone I Can't Live Without, and Still Love

"…Oppa."

"Hm?"

A quiet spring breeze of the approaching night rattled the window.

We had decided to go on a trip, and Oppa had taken time off to match it.

…And that was when I finally remembered something I'd completely forgotten.

"About the trip…where are we going?"

"…I didn't even think about that."

"Oh…."

"I'll figure it out right now! Don't look too disappointed."

While Oppa scratched his head and tried to think, I seemed to be thinking about ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠nothing but strange things.

Honestly…if we just stayed home together, we'd probably only do that….

Which would actually be nice…I thought.

There go those filthy thoughts again….

"Ahem. Uh. Hmm. Right, right. Let's think about it together."

"Umm…."

Good thing I hid my expression in time.

"I was thinking…an amusement park…?"

"An amusement park, huh…not bad. Want to go?"

"But for the whole vacation?"

"Yeah, that's a point. Still, we've got the car. We can spend one day at the amusement park and go somewhere else after."

I'd made a mistake.

The amusement park I'd tossed out without thinking was a huge drain on stamina.

If we waited until night and Oppa was too tired, he'd just fall asleep on me.

"Ahem ahem…maybe just catching a movie nearby, hitting a café, walking around the streets like last time wouldn't be so bad either…you know?"

"Nothing else you need? Somewhere you like, or…you know. We're finally going out to have fun—just coming straight back home feels a little off…."

"I'm fine."

My heart ached.

"Still…."

He was doing this for me, and here I was…thinking nothing but perverted thoughts.

"Haa…okay. Got it. Then first…let's get far away from this house?"

"So where to…."

"If we see hotteok while we're out, we eat hotteok. If we see pork cutlet, we eat pork cutlet. Food-touring works too. You love pork cutlet, so a pork cutlet restaurant crawl! That could work."

A real trip meant making a plan and then moving freely.

If you forced everything onto a schedule, you'd get so hung up on the pressure that you wouldn't even know whether you were enjoying yourself.

You just went somewhere else whenever it felt like the right time to move on.

As for doing that with Oppa and whether he was tired at night—a little glucose would get us through it.

"A pork cutlet crawl…."

Oppa pricked up his ears at the words pork cutlet, looking genuinely interested.

Maybe he was a little tempted.

"Or we go big—how about Jeju Island? There's that famous place there."

"Oh…! I—I know that one!"

"Ehehe. Want to go?"

Thank goodness.

Thank goodness I'd managed to swap out all the filthy things I'd been thinking about.

When Oppa was happy, I was happy too.

Doing that was just a bonus.

We'd definitely do it later. I'd make sure of it.

That part was never going to change.

"…Okay."

Two days later, the package arrived.

The kind of thing you hesitated to buy in the morning, hesitated to buy at lunch, and honestly hesitated to go out and buy in the dead of night.

And the kind of thing they didn't even sell in stores.

"W-wow…."

Behold: extra-large condoms.

I hadn't measured properly, but I'd more or less guessed right…I think.

When I spread my hand, it came out to about sixteen centimeters.

It used to be twenty, so I'd often used it like a human measuring tape—until I casually tried it after becoming a woman and found out.

But Oppa's…that was bigger than my hand, so it definitely wasn't average.

Out of boredom I'd measured my face too, and it was just under twenty.

From what I remembered, it had sat above my eyes.

So…eighteen or more…?

How was it even twenty.

It wasn't like he was some kind of Mario—did you grow that big just eating mushrooms…no, just eating pork cutlet?

"Whoa…it's this long?"

I tore one open and held it against my stomach.

Never mind that it reached my navel—could I even take all of that?

No, I felt like I might die.

"Tch. Whatever."

I filled the condom with water and tied it off.

Even when I tossed it around roughly, it didn't burst.

"Oh."

It kind of looked like a water balloon.

It bounced with a soft boing, and aside from being slippery from the lube, it didn't look like it was about to pop.

An adult-grade, hard-to-burst premium water balloon, if you will.

Except for that protruding tip.

Honestly, I hadn't wanted to buy condoms.

Well…Oppa would refuse outright, of course.

With the world the way it was these days, how hard life was—he'd definitely say a baby could wait.

Suhyeon unnie had told us that day that it was safe during the trip if we came back when it was over, but….

Still a shame, though.

"Ah."

I'd completely forgotten to contact Dad this whole time, too.

He wasn't home…and calling would catch him when he was busy, so text it was.

If I said Oppa, he wouldn't know who I meant.

What should I call him.

Brother-in-law…?

Suhan-ssi…?

Yeah. That was better.

Send.

"Alright…so today I'll just—hm?"

—Bzzzt!!

Not even a few minutes after I sent the text, the phone rang.

Dad.

His voice was ragged, his words rushed as he demanded an explanation.

"Just what it sounds like…a boyfriend…you ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠know?"

I'd never heard Dad talk this much before.

"Uh…if I say brother-in-law…."

"Yep. I asked him out first. Oppa likes me too."

—Crash!

Something shattered on the other end of the speaker.

"Dad?"

—Click.

"…Did I just do something."

I might have done something I really shouldn't have.

"Oppa~ you're ho—?"

"Ahaha…hey."

"……"

"Dad?"

Oppa, smiling far too awkwardly. Beside him, Dad, as silent as ever.

And me, watching from the front door.

What was this. This drama-like situation.

"C-come in first. You too, Dad—eat with us."

"Alright."

I pulled out another bowl and emptied one of the portions of rice I'd been cooling to freeze.

"Umm…enjoy…?"

"Mm."

"…Yeah."

Why was it nothing but yeah and mm. What did he even come here for.

Say something, at least.

"Ahem."

At the table, there was nothing but the sound of spoons against bowls, the sound of eating.

"So. Jihye. I-it's good."

"Th-thanks."

This was way too awkward.

I felt like I was going to die.

Dad…why did you come.

I half wondered if this counted as some kind of moral crime, but barging in out of nowhere wasn't exactly right either.

"……"

Even after finishing his meal, Dad just kept sitting there watching us. I was staring at him in confusion when he stood up and came over.

"Are you two planning to get married."

"…?"

"…???"

The sudden question left both me and Oppa speechless.

Was that acceptance…or a veiled threat that he'd kill Oppa if we got married.

"Dad. I…really want to."

I stepped closer and gently took Dad's hand in both of mine.

He probably wouldn't go so far as to kill him…but I was sure he'd do something devastating to Oppa by any means necessary.

"Hrm……and you."

He looked at me, then turned his head and fixed Oppa with a stare.

His face hadn't changed at all, but that was just the feeling I got.

"I don't have the money yet, so I can't do it right away, but…I will marry her! Absolutely!"

Before I knew it, Oppa was down on one knee, the weight of responsibility thick in every word.

"Hhk…."

Wait. Hold on. Did I just get…a marriage proposal.

"Alright…."

Dad let out a long breath, then carefully stroked my hair.

"Kid. Dad's heading out."

"Yes…! Take care!"

Was this a father's power.

People said daughters got hugs and cheek kisses from their dads—would that work here.

Honestly it was cringey, but…yeah.

If something came, something had to go.

To Dad, I was his beloved daughter, wasn't I?

Ah. So that was it.

Had Dad ever thought of a daughter like me, even a little.

Had that human scum ever said I love you, Dad.

A year older than Oppa—had she said it in those young eight, nine years.

She'd still been good and pure then, so she probably had. And then she'd changed.

At least in my memories, there was nothing but that awful scum.

"Ahem. Hmm…Oppa, go wash up now."

"Uh…yeah. Okay."

I turned on the boiler, and Oppa went into the shower.

—Rrring

Maybe the sound of the word Dad could turn back the father who still lingered, just a little.

Could I meet again the brightly smiling Dad who remained like a scrap of memory.

"Earlier…thank you."

A father's worry.

As a son I might not have known it, but as a daughter I could feel this emotion.

"…Yes. I can't live without him."

But in that crossed path stood Oppa.

Oppa…I knew him so well.

"Oppa doesn't hit me. Work, cleaning, cooking—I've always done those, so I don't mind. It's actually fun. And I like just being with him. Please…trust me. Dad."

To understand a father's heart that was still hard to fully grasp, I'd have to carry even the share of words Dad was originally supposed to say.

It felt like a general store where you had to figure out what to buy before you even started.

There were ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠aisles, and signs for every aisle, and once you'd woven past all the displayed goods, you finally met the thing you needed to buy.

"Then that's enough."

"I love you, Dad."

It would have been nice if he'd said I love you too here.

Dad still seemed to find coming closer hard.