The Heart Sways Easily in the Smallest Breeze
I closed my eyes, but I wasn't sleepy at all.
My body felt less dizzy than dreamlike—as if I weren't lying on a bed at all but floating somewhere up in the sky. I kept thinking I ought to sleep, and yet something strange kept snagging me, holding me back.
"Unni… are you asleep…?"
"No…?"
It felt like the kind of thing you say without thinking. I was just curious about her.
"You're my friend, right?"
"Yeah. We're friends."
"But then… why do you keep asking me out…? Do you see me as someone you could date…?"
Unni rolled over slowly to face me.
"Just because. I felt sorry for you."
"Sorry…? You feel sorry for me?"
"I don't mind that you fell for him. But he won't look at you, will he? And you just keep hurting. That's why I said we should date instead. I don't really know if we'd actually… date, but… still. I just don't want you to get hurt, Jihye."
Oppa hadn't done anything wrong. I was the one who'd been impatient.
I'd startled him. That much was clear.
That was why he'd run.
Accepting me must have been too much for him.
But… couldn't he have accepted me just a little? Couldn't he at least think of me as a girl?
"But… what am I supposed to do about liking him… hic… waaah…."
So I was the one who had to endure it. Endure and endure until, somehow, Oppa started taking an interest in me—until he started to feel something.
But… until when?
"Unrequited love is agony. Aigoo… what are we going to do with our Jihye."
"Our. Hic. We're friends, right…?"
"Yeah. Friends. Always."
"If we're girl friends… you can at least give me a kiss, right? Right?"
I just wanted something like proof. Something to show me. My mood was strange. Strangely gloomy. Playing with Unni was fun, so why, the moment I thought it was all about to end, did my head fill up with Oppa all over again?
"Well… even friends don't really do that unless they're super close… and doing it is kind of weird, too…."
"Aren't we super close…? Hic… uuugh…."
"No, no! Hang on, Jihye?!"
I was losing my mind. I didn't even understand my own heart. I just… didn't know. I wanted someone to leave me a sign that they loved me.
I was lonely. I was desolate. I was trash who couldn't do anything on her own.
I was starving for love.
"You won't do it…?"
"Ugh…! I really don't like girls like that!"
Unni sighed and gently caught my chin.
"…Close your eyes for me."
"……"
I slowly shut my eyes the way she told me to.
"Hoo… here goes."
—Chup.
A little breeze stirred. For an instant our lips met, and then it was over.
"Ahem… that wasn't anything special."
"Hnn… heh heh… uuugh…."
"Whyy… again…."
"I'm sorry… hic… I'm so sorry…."
Soft lips or whatever—it was over before I could even think about it. And still. Why was I sad?
What kind of guilt was this that had settled over me? I was angry. Angry at myself for not being able to make sense of a single one of my own feelings.
And I was sad.
"Aigoo. Come here. You think too much, Jihye. You've got a timid side, too."
Unni pulled me into her arms and wrapped them around my face.
"Don't think. Right now, in this moment, let's just think about how warm it is. How comfortable… how sleepy… how safe."
Tears soaked into her clothes. Don't think, I told myself—and then I thought about not thinking, and then I told myself not to think about that either. I repeated the foolish loop over and over in my head.
"Everyone goes through a phase like this. Have you ever dated before, Jihye?"
"…No."
"So he's your first love. It's okay… it's okay. Our Jihye is pretty and kind, and she even cries over love—so of course it'll work out."
Once more, I folded my heart the way you fold a sheet of paper. I was an ordinary girl.
Lee Jiwoo was going to be hidden away now. I wouldn't throw him out.
I would just bury him in a sunny corner somewhere, like a time capsule. So that when I dug him up again someday, I could smile the way you smile at a memory.
"Thank you."
The lump in my throat eased, just a little.
"I've committed an unforgivable sin…."
"Oh, come on, what's with you! It's fine. I went to an all-girls middle school and high school, and I saw kids kissing each other all the time. Well… I'd never done it myself, but… still, it was nice. Kissing a little kid wasn't bad at all."
"…Y-yes… I'm sorry."
Girls kissing each other. No matter how I turned it over, it just wasn't right.
Imagine two guys kissing…
"Urgh…"
"Huh? You didn't like doing it with me?"
"N-no, that's not…."
"I really didn't mind at all…."
I hurried to explain before some weird misunderstanding could take root. Why was it fine between girls and weird between guys?
"Hmm~ I don't really know either. It's not like guys ever do that, right?"
"Y-y-yes… and I'm still really sorry."
"Don't be~ You were genuinely adorable, Jihye. It's really okay."
I got awkwardly self-conscious and fussed with my hair.
"But what are you going to say to that oppa of yours?"
"Ah… um… I don't really know how Oppa's going to put it, but as long as he shows some remorse, or even just explains a little, that's enough. That's what I wanted."
To be acknowledged as a woman. Honestly, there was nothing beyond that.
Being acknowledged as a woman was the same thing as Oppa thinking of me as one.
"Alrighty… then I guess I'd better dress you up, Jihye?"
"…What?!"
"Oh, come on, get over here. You've got to get pretty enough for Oppa to fall for you at first sight if things are going to go smoothly."
"Augh… a-alright."
Unni opened a drawer and pulled out all sorts of things.
"…Ah. Bath first. Your hair, too—we can't half-ass this."
"Yes, yes."
"Okay then… great. I'll get the bath ready, so go wait in the shower."
"Okay~"
She said she'd prepare clothes for me, so I went into the shower room first and started undressing.
The shower room, tiled in black, looked rather luxurious. The showerhead wasn't the kind you held in your hand, either—it came down from the ceiling—which only deepened the high-end atmosphere.
"Jihye, did you go in already?"
"Yes~"
"Got it~"
Unni's voice floated in from outside the shower. A little while later, the door opened.
"Wha… wha-wha?!"
"Why are you covering yourself up like that~"
"No… no no, that's…."
"Jihye, a woman's beauty starts in the shower, you know?"
Unni had come in. I was naked. So was she.
"Th-this…! Is this really okay?!"
"How do you usually take care of your hair?"
"Uh… well… I wet it, put on shampoo, and rinse…."
"Yeah. That's the problem."
Ah. I was doomed. Unni was doing that deep-breath thing again.
The shower proceeded at breakneck speed.
I twisted this way and that, wondering how on earth I was supposed to keep from looking at her body, but she caught hold of me anyway.
"Let's start with hair care. This is…"
There turned out to be more things you put on your hair than just shampoo. And she told me not to use the shampoo I normally used.
You had to use a good shampoo, she said. And treatment. And rinse.
At first, using shampoo was the same as usual.
"With treatment, you have to leave it on your hair for at least five to fifteen minutes after you put it on. Think of it like a nutritional supplement for your hair. Use it about two or three times a week."
"Rinse is easier if you think of it as a protective film. It coats the hair—so while treatment is giving it nutrients, rinse does the opposite and keeps them from washing out. It also blocks dust and stuff from outside, so our Jihye absolutely has to use it. Once a day, same as shampoo!"
She explained all sorts of things, and I tried to commit them to memory exactly as she said them. I was making an effort, and I knew I had to learn this stuff, but… wasn't it a little too complicated?
"You're washing your private parts properly, right?"
"Y-yes…."
"If you don't keep them clean, they'll start to smell, so be careful~"
Unlike with a guy's body, it felt like things went inward, which made touching them awkward. At first, anyway.
There had been one time when a weird smell showed up and I freaked out a little… ah. I didn't want to think about that. Anyway, after that I'd been careful—gentle, but thorough enough that I could feel how clean I was.
"You're not using bar soap instead of body wash, are you?"
"I use body wash…!"
"Good, good. And while you're at it, use a nice one."
Being a woman… it felt like money just sprayed out of you for existing.
The rest went quickly.
"Hoo…."
"Wear this."
"Yes, yes… wait, what?!"
"Just take the clothes~"
No. That wasn't what I was talking about….
Well… it was ordinary. For a girl. It was just that it was a skirt.
"Your chest is big and your waist is ridiculously thin, Jihye, so there's no helping it. If I give you something loose, you'll just look huge."
"Yees… I know…."
I'd heard there was such a thing as breast reduction surgery… but I wasn't going to get it.
Most guys liked big chests. Unless he was a complete weirdo, a guy liked them big.
Oppa probably wouldn't be any different.
"Ugh, ugh, augh…."
It fit almost exactly the way I'd expected. On anyone else it would have just looked… fine. On me, somehow, my chest stood out.
Well… it was pretty. It was pretty. It was just that people's eyes went straight to my chest.
"I told you not to worry. I explained the principle while we were washing—want me to say it again?"
"Ah, no, it's fine. I'll wear it."
The top wasn't a turtleneck knit—it was a V-neck. Because my chest was big, she said, if you pulled the eye up toward the neck, people looked at my face instead of my chest.
Fashion, she said, was about using optical illusions and directing the gaze just right. That was why the monochrome outfit I'd worn last time had looked reasonably okay.
The skirt was a little flashy, too, you could say. It had a lot of pattern, which made me look glamorous while also scattering attention… or so Unni told me.
My head was spinning by now. I'd been force-fed way too much information.
"I'll adjust the strap on your bag for you, too. It looked a little long yesterday."
"Uweh… you do that kind of thing too?"
"Of course. And this is another…"
Ah. Damn it. Here came the explanation.