My First Girlfriend Was a Girl I Had Never Met
My first girlfriend was a girl I had never met in person.
I had never even properly seen her face.
I had never held her hand or eaten a meal together with her.
All we had shared were games, chats, and the occasional phone call.
Still, back then she was my girlfriend.
***
Back then I was fat.
It wasn’t just a little chubby.
As soon as I put on my school uniform shirt, my belly was the first thing I noticed.
Before I even snapped a group photo for class, I would check how large my face looked in it.
But I wasn’t wallowing in despair over girls.
The girls in my class didn’t hate me.
When I said hello, they answered.
When I asked to borrow something, they lent it to me.
That was it.
There were plenty of girls in my class, but none of them had ever been anything to me.
No one ever spread rumors about me liking someone, and no one ever contacted me out of the blue.
I knew exactly where I stood.
I would glance at a pretty girl and feel envious when a friend got a girlfriend.
I had never seriously pictured myself confessing to anyone.
It didn’t seem likely.
Romance was something that happened to someone else.
In its place I loved games.
The moment school ended, I would drop my bag at home and turn on the computer.
Log in, check the friend list, and start hunting.
In the game, nobody knew my weight.
As long as the gear was good and my control was smooth, that was all that mattered.
It felt easier.
I first met Byeolsatang in the game.
That day I had joined a hunting party where one of the members kept dying.
Her nickname was Byeolsatang.
[I died again]
[Which one am I now]
[Don’t know]
[Wait, I’ll revive you]
[Hurry up lol]
At first I didn’t know if she was a guy or a girl.
In games, cute usernames were common from guys too.
She just seemed like a fun person to play with.
We got along well.
After the other party members left one by one, we didn’t log off.
We set our characters in the village and kept chatting.
[You a student?]
[Yeah, you?]
[Yeah lol]
[How old are you]
[You go first]
[I won’t tell you]
[Then I won’t either]
I asked how old she was, whether she had failed her exams, and what singer she liked.
Nothing deep, but the time flew by.
After a while Byeolsatang said,
[I gotta go wash my face]
[Yeah]
[But]
[Why]
The chat paused for a moment.
[You thought I was a guy?]
I answered without thinking.
[Yeah]
[Hah lol]
[Why]
[I’m a girl you know]
My hands froze.
[Really?]
[Why did you ask twice lol]
The chat window, which had been so casual moments ago, suddenly felt different.
I looked back up at the messages.
Was I swearing? Had I used any weird words?
As I went quiet, Byeolsatang spoke first.
[I knew you were a girl and still logged off lol]
[I didn’t do that]
[You’re probably right]
In school I had never talked to a girl alone for so long.
From that moment on, every word I typed felt heavier.
[I really am going to wash my face now]
[Yeah]
[Good night]
I hesitated for a second and answered.
[You too]
I figured the conversation was over.
A few seconds later another message popped up.
[You’re coming tomorrow too, right?]
It was nothing much.
Just asking if I would log on again since we had played together.
Still, I felt good about it.
[Probably]
It was a lie.
I had planned to log on no matter what.
***
The next day I got home a little earlier than usual.
I turned on the computer and logged into the game.
I opened the friend list first, but there was no Byeolsatang.
I checked the list again while hunting.
She had told me she’d come tomorrow and now she wasn’t.
Even I thought how lame I sounded for hoping she would.
I was just about to start hunting again when a notification appeared.
[Byeolsatang has logged in.]
I was about to send a whisper but stopped myself.
Sending it the moment she logged in would look like I had been waiting.
I decided to wait a little longer and send it instead.
But then Byeolsatang spoke first.
[Junho-ya]
It wasn’t her nickname. It was the name I had told her yesterday.
Those two letters felt strangely warm.
[Why]
[You came huh haha]
[Yeah]
[I was a little late]
I couldn’t understand why she was telling me she was late.
I had never said I was waiting.
[I didn’t know]
[Liar lol]
[What]
[You were waiting]
I shivered.
[I wasn’t waiting]
[Really?]
[Yeah]
A reply came a little later.
[I was the one who was waiting]
I didn’t know what to answer.
Saying I was glad would make it too obvious.
Saying I had been waiting too would feel the same.
In the end I only sent one thing.
[Haha]
Even now the reply felt unsatisfying.
Byeolsatang just moved on.
[Do you wanna play together again today?]
This time she answered right away.
[Yeah]
[You always just say yeah]
[No effort]
[I was gonna]
[Then I’ll be impressed lol]
From that day on, the reason I logged into the game changed a little.
In the game where I was leveling up, I started waiting for one person’s login notification.
***
We met almost every day.
Inside the game.
When Byeolsatang logged in first I would get happy.
When she didn’t appear I would open the friend list again.
After a while we started contacting each other outside the game too.
Byeolsatang asked for my messenger ID first.
Even after we logged off, the chats didn’t stop.
I heard about her fights with friends at school, getting scolded by teachers, and how bad the cafeteria food tasted.
I told her about myself too.
Now most of it has faded from memory.
Back then every story came easily.
On the first day we talked on the phone, we couldn’t get even a few words out.
The chats had been full of words, but hearing her voice felt awkward.
Every time I answered shortly, Byeolsatang laughed.
A door opening sound came through the phone.
“Wait a second. Mom just walked by.”
Byeolsatang suddenly lowered her voice.
For the first time I really felt it.
It wasn’t a character on a screen.
It was a real girl somewhere, looking over her shoulder at her parents while talking to me.
“Junho-ya.”
“Yeah.”
“You’re totally different from when we chat.”
“How so?”
“You talk a lot there.”
“Phone calls feel weird.”
Byeolsatang laughed softly.
“Still, your voice is nice.”
Just those words kept me from sleeping well that night.
It was the first time a girl had said she liked something about me.
***
Byeolsatang was the one who confessed first.
It was a night we were chatting as usual.
[Junho-ya]
[Yeah]
[Do you have someone you like?]
[None]
Really none at school.
[For real?]
[Yeah]
A message came a moment later.
[Then what about me?]
I pretended not to understand.
[What]
[Haha]
[What do you mean]
[Don’t know]
This time I waited.
For a while there was no message from Byeolsatang.
Then she sent one.
[I think I like you]
My hands froze.
I read it again and again.
The girl I had met in the game.
The girl I had never met in real life.
She liked me.
It was my first confession I received.
I thought about what to write for a long time.
I wanted to write something long, but when I typed it was short.
[Me too]
The reply came right away.
[Really?]
[Yeah]
[You always just say yeah]
[It’s true]
[Since when]
I didn’t know exactly.
When I had started waiting for her login, or when I saw the message “I was the one waiting,” or when I first heard her voice.
[A little while ago]
[Why didn’t you say anything]
[You didn’t either]
[I’m saying it now]
[I see]
A little later Byeolsatang asked.
[Then are we dating?]
This time I didn’t hesitate.
[Yeah]
[Hahahaha]
[Why]
[Because I like you]
I sat in front of the computer and laughed for a long time that day.
For the first time in my life, I got a girlfriend.
***
Even after we started dating, nothing changed much.
We still played games together, chatted on messenger, and occasionally called.
The only differences were that I always contacted her before bed and that someone started waiting for me when I logged on.
Byeolsatang sometimes called me “her guy.”
At first, just seeing those two letters made my hands and feet shrink.
But I didn’t hate it.
A few days later I started writing it myself.
When I played for a long time with another female character, I would ask who Byeolsatang was.
When Byeolsatang played with another guy, I would subtly ask too.
We had never seriously fought over it.
But even that jealousy felt like dating.
That was enough.
I told my close friend.
“I got a girlfriend.”
“Really?”
My friend looked at me with disbelief.
“Yeah.”
“Who?”
“Someone I met in the game.”
“Have you met her?”
“…Not yet.”
The moment I heard those words, I felt something strange for the first time.
A girlfriend, but I had never met her.
That night I asked Byeolsatang.
[Let’s meet once?]
The reply came later than usual.
[Really?]
[Yeah]
[I’m nervous haha]
[Me too]
Our houses weren’t far apart.
With a bus and subway transfer we could meet.
But we never fixed a date.
After exams.
After vacation.
A little later.
We kept pushing the next meeting off.
I never pressured her, and she never set a date first.
Back then I never thought deeply about why.
Still, I believed we would meet someday.
Time was on our side.
***
Byeolsatang’s replies started coming a little later every day.
The ones that used to arrive an hour later now came half a day later.
She didn’t log into the game she always used for days at a time.
[Busy lately?]
When I asked, the short reply came back saying yes.
So I waited.
Constantly contacting her would probably make her uncomfortable.
I reduced my daily contact to every other day.
Then replies stopped completely.
Even after that, every time I logged into the game I opened the friend list first.
Byeolsatang’s nickname stayed the same, and the days she didn’t log in kept growing.
I confirmed she was gone and started hunting.
Even after several days the pattern never changed.
The last message I sent was simple.
[Contact me if you have time]
There was no reply to that either.
I didn’t know why she had disappeared.
Maybe someone else had appeared.
Maybe something happened at home.
Maybe she had gotten tired of a relationship that started online.
No explanation ever came.
One thing was clear.
Byeolsatang had not left because of my appearance.
We had never actually met in real life.
Still, a strange thought crossed my mind.
What if I had actually met her?
Would she have liked me the way she did in chat?
Or would she have been disappointed the moment she saw me from afar?
That day I stood in front of the mirror for a long time.
It was the face I always saw.
Round jaw, eyes half-hidden in fat.
The habit of pulling my T-shirt forward so my belly wouldn’t show.
For the first time this looked like how others saw me.
From then on I didn’t want to delay meeting anyone.
I didn’t want to worry about my body when I fell for someone.
I wasn’t making any grand decision.
I wasn’t thinking of becoming a completely different person.
I just thought,
I wonder if I can lose a little weight.
I stepped onto the scale in the bathroom.
I checked the number and stepped down again.
Starting the next day I ate a little less.
Back then I didn’t realize it.
It was much harder to just like one person
than it was to lose weight.