The Promise
Zepar recalled the moment he had gone to apprehend Mile not long ago.
He had received word of an organization planning to abduct a girl—a stepping stone for their precious "cherished desire," or perhaps someone who might fulfill that desire entirely—and had set out to find the one tasked with the mission.
And, he had been a little surprised.
Rena had finished her errand and returned home, perfectly unharmed. When he asked her about it, she mentioned that a knight she’d met before had patted her head, chatted for a bit, and then left.
At the time, Zepar had sought out Mile, a low-ranking knight who had been drowning his sorrows at a tavern.
“You truly did a terrible thing to Rena...”
“......!”
“...Or rather, you were ordered to, but you didn’t.”
That was right. He hadn’t done a thing.
Even so, Mile’s eyes wavered.
“......”
“According to the original plan, wasn’t it to confine Rena and then, once contact was made, have you or an accomplice strip her of her virginity?”
Zepar had been deeply curious about why Mile had acted that way. Having investigated Mile’s circumstances and knowing the corner he had been backed into, his curiosity was all the greater.
“Why did you do it?”
“...Sh-she’s just a child, isn’t she.”
Mile had said that the thought of doing such a wicked thing to a child filled him with immense guilt, and Zepar, without much reaction, had simply taken him into custody.
Strictly speaking, Mile was innocent. The law agreed, and the factions that had nearly been victimized didn’t hold much of a grudge against him.
Even though he had colluded with the Gold Taeyang Clan and acted on their orders for a short time, unlike the other pieces of trash, he had kept his conscience and left Rena untouched. Beyond that, he had committed no actual crimes.
Furthermore, despite the risk of retaliation from the Gold Taeyang Clan, he hadn’t abandoned his mission to flee; instead, he had wallowed in a tavern, looking utterly defeated.
In the end, the conclusion was that his conscience had triumphed over his desires. The powerful figures, including the Ten Great Families whom the Gold Taeyang Clan had dared to challenge, took these factors into account and decided not to press charges.
However, Zepar remained curious about the underlying motive. Because she was a child? Objectively speaking, while Rena had the appearance of a child, she was beautiful enough to stimulate the carnal desires of any adult man.
It wasn’t just about lust; there was the desire for success that would come with completing the mission. Moreover, a man who was a low-ranking knight—nearly a noble—had been reduced to a miserable state, sleeping on the streets without a single coin in his pocket.
What was the reason he had walked away without doing anything, despite having a chance to overcome that misery in one fell swoop?
Zepar was curious, but he refrained from finding out for himself. He believed that was a task for Drae.
To be honest, he didn’t want to cross paths with Drae, who traveled the world relentlessly hunting down his enemies, by meddling in what Drae would consider his own business.
‘I thought he was just a man hiding something, but I never dreamed he carried such darkness in his heart...’
He was not a man one wanted as an enemy.
‘Setting that aside, I’m curious about that man’s choice.’
Indeed. Would he stop the slaughter here? Or would he go further? Would he burn the black flames in his clear eyes even brighter? Or would he extinguish them? He was truly curious.
“...Rena.”
“Yes, Teacher.”
The weak grip with which she clung to my neck, even while trying to stifle her sobs, felt pleasant. I wanted to raise my hand, pat her head, and stop her from crying. But only then did I realize: the blood of the filthy things covering my entire body. Was I fit to touch this pure child in such a state? No, wasn’t I the filthiest bastard of them all to begin with?
I had been obsessed with the curse my father left behind. And because of that, I was frustrated. I needed an excuse to run wild, to live in this world exactly as I pleased. Yes, an excuse to run wild.
What had I thought when I first heard the news about Rena?
When I learned that venomous fangs had been bared at a frail child who, unlike the other Ten Great Families or my acquaintances who possessed their own strength, had no power to defend herself—at first, I was angry. And when I tortured the Gold Taeyang members to find out exactly what had happened to her, and then heard that Mile had gone to capture her... what had I felt then?
I had probably been excited, thinking about how to take my revenge. Yes, Rena had been pushed to the back of my mind. I had only thought of myself. I was a disgusting piece of trash. I hadn’t cared about what actually happened to the child I had promised to cherish; I had simply used her as kindling for my rage. I had rejoiced inwardly, thinking this gave me more reason to run wild.
Ah, what a cowardly, garbage-like bastard I am. And yet, seeing Rena safe before my eyes, I felt relieved and happy, and I, the bastard who was fighting back tears, was a pathetic excuse for a human being. Was I not worse than the Gold Taeyang members who had at least followed their desires purely? I felt a renewed sense of disgust for myself, the man who had disguised his own desires as justice and run wild under the pretense of returning evil with evil. What was even more disgusting was the certainty that even if I could go back to that moment and start over, I would do the exact same thing.
“Rena.”
“......”
“Look up at me.”
Rena lifted her head as told. Her pretty face was stained with tears. I had wondered if this was some prank by someone disguised as Rena, but it was truly her.
“...Rena.”
“Yes, Teacher...”
“Please, go outside.”
Rena hesitated. Her attitude suggested she didn’t want to leave. She must have been anxious. I was the only guardian who allowed her to stay at Pruynar Academy; how anxious must this little child have been?
“It won’t take long.”
At those words, she reluctantly let go of my arms and walked out with a dejected expression. The sound of the door opening and closing felt deafeningly loud.
I looked at the sword lying on the floor. I didn’t know whether I should pick it up or put it back in its scabbard... No, had I lost the scabbard?
After a moment of thought, I slammed the sword into the floor. I felt Mile flinch violently, and I stared at him blankly before closing the distance between us. I didn’t particularly feel like attacking him. As I said before, my rage had almost—no, completely—subsided. My current feeling was... an indescribable sense of self-loathing. I was more annoyed with myself than with Mile.
How was I supposed to bring this up? I had acted out various foolish roles in my heart until now, but since I had been a loner, I was clumsy at communication. What was I supposed to say to a man who had been about to do something terrible to my acquaintance but stopped?
Suddenly, an old memory surfaced. A memory of my father being called to the school office when I’d been in trouble. What had my father done then?
After some deliberation, I slumped into the chair next to him. Watching him tremble, I asked the thing I was most curious about first.
“I had heard that you did something terrible to Rena.”
“......”
If I didn’t know what to say, I would just be honest, exactly as I thought it.
“Aside from a few intense memories, I don’t really have any connections.”
“Y-yes?”
Mile looked at me as if asking what I meant. I continued, regardless of his reaction, as it was closer to repeating it to myself than telling him.
“I hadn’t known until now. But facing Rena just now, I realized it.”
“......”
“That the memory of her being kind to me when I was sick, and treating my wounds, was incredibly strong.”
That was why I felt relieved when I learned Rena was alive. It seemed she hadn’t suffered anything. I was even more relieved, and at the same time, I was afraid. Afraid that I might have felt disappointed that I couldn’t run wild anymore because Rena was alive.
But to my surprise, after meeting her, I felt nothing but joy. The regret of not being able to run wild anymore? It didn’t exist.
“I wanted to kill you.”
“...!”
Mile trembled at the sudden, lethal words.
“But now, there is no need to...”
No, that wasn’t it. The words I wanted to say weren’t some cheap, comforting platitudes to put Mile at ease.
“...Is there no need to?”
A question. I wanted to confirm it. Whether I should kill him or not.
Live a good life.
If Mile had abandoned his evil intentions toward Rena following that advice, I wouldn’t kill him. But if it was for some other reason—if he had stopped because of orders from the Gold Taeyang Clan or some other faction, or the "Headquarters," and was just waiting for the right time—then would I... kill him? I didn’t know. I was curious.
I had been grinding my teeth since I saw the order to do something to Rena, and I had investigated Mile, the target of that order. I had thought that if I knew him better, I could torture him more effectively.
The investigation results showed that Mile had been pushed to his limit. He had apparently tried to contact me to become a servant at Pruynar Academy, but when he came for an interview at Mirpur Village, he was turned away for not being a noble. After that, it seemed he had endured all sorts of hardships while chasing me all the way to Sers.
And in Sers, where he finally arrived, he couldn’t even get onto the floating island due to lack of qualifications... He had earned his status as a knight by taking the exam and performing meritorious deeds, but his skills were woefully insufficient to work on the floating island. Moreover, it seemed he had run into trouble on his way to the capital, which had hindered his employment. He couldn’t earn money. Mile must have been cold and hungry.
I wondered if he could have just returned to his hometown, but well, I knew. How cruel hope could be.
Had he been clinging to the possibility of becoming my servant and turning his life around? Or did he have another goal? The servant position he had wanted to fill had already been taken by Rena. The servant by my side was a little girl, and I didn’t know what effect the fact that the position he had wanted so badly—even at the cost of everything—was already gone had on his heart. Only he knew. And yet, he hadn’t touched that girl servant he probably hated. I looked at him, demanding an answer. Mile trembled under my gaze and spoke.
“I-I don’t want to die.”
“...No. Not that. I’m asking for a reason why I shouldn’t kill you...”
Mile jumped up. Without even thinking of wiping his tear-filled eyes, he shouted as if overwhelmed by emotion.
“Why didn’t I touch that kid?! It was just because I didn’t want to die!”
“......”
“I-I... I knew. I knew I was just a throwaway piece to those guys, and I knew well enough that you would eventually beat them. I just... I just didn’t want to take the risk of being killed by you later.”
Why was he saying this? Did he know what would happen to him? Why was he telling the truth?
“At first, I intended to do something terrible to that kid. I really did... But when I actually had her in front of me, when I tried to reach out, I suddenly got scared. Is it okay to do this? Won’t I be retaliated against? And then I felt pathetic. What am I doing to a child, a knight like me? So I just patted her head with the hand I’d reached out with, pretending to be a good adult. I felt grateful to that kid for remembering someone like me...”
Trembling, Mile tore at his own hair.
“I-I wasn’t originally such a cowardly piece of shit. It’s all your fault. You showed me a dream and just left. You were so damn irresponsible... I lost everything chasing you, and that little brat just happened to be lucky and grabbed onto happiness...”
A dream.
I didn’t know how I had appeared to him after I’d crushed the Count Serton family, but had he harbored a dream looking at me?
“......”
“I know! I know I’m just a pathetic idiot! But I can’t help it! If I don’t resent something, it’s too damn hard to live! And, and I wanted to succeed! In my own home. With a decent salary, hanging out with people... If things went well, maybe sit in a big seat and throw my weight around, just, I wanted to live like that!”
It was a truly human desire. A healthy desire, different from the ones I had suppressed so tightly.
“Still, I shouldn’t have done that. These past few days have been scary. Painful. Having nightmares about being killed by you... Damn it. Doing bad things, it didn’t suit my aptitude.”
Thud. Mile knelt on the floor.
“I know. If I say things like this, you won’t understand; you’ll just despise me more and think I’m a pathetic idiot. But... I can’t take it anymore. I’m at my limit.”
Sob. Mile wept, his teeth chattering as he spoke.
“P-please, kill me as painlessly as possible. I beg you...”
Even as he said that, he was trembling as if he didn’t want to die. I pondered. Should I kill this man? Or...
...Or what?
Did I have any other options? Was there any choice other than murder, given the malice born not of conscience but of fear?
Rachel’s voice revived in my head. Forgiveness. I hadn’t been able to forgive a single person until now. Even knowing it was an extreme act, I had tortured and killed all the Gold Taeyang members with these hands. And now, forgiveness?
Even if I wanted to live a good life, I wasn’t that kind of human by nature. I don’t know, Dad. In this damn world, why on earth should I live a good life? It’s just a loss, it’s frustrating. So why?
Why did you say that, and why... looking at me with those eyes... did you leave those words behind?
“...P-please... do it quickly. I’m scared.”
“......”
I looked at the weeping man. He was kneeling, waiting for a death that might come at any moment. Is this right? Is it okay to kill him? Deep inside, I didn’t even know how I felt. I felt like I wanted to kill him, and I also felt like I wanted to just leave him and walk away. Just like with the Shinjinpa who received my radio transmission a while ago. Do I want to keep Mile alive, like that bastard who is trying to live a good life by keeping the words I said without much thought? Do I?
Then, Mile sobbed again and opened his mouth. I would have preferred he said the worst possible things. Whether he despised me, ignored me, or killed me... either way, I could have made a decision.
“If I had known it would be like this...”
“......”
What was he going to say? If I had known it would be like this, I should have just done it to my heart’s content? Or, I shouldn’t have started in the first place? Neither was the case.
“I should have... lived a good life...”
......
For a moment, I was stunned.
“......Why?”
Without realizing it, I placed my hand on his shoulder and sought an answer.
“Why, why should one live a good life?”
“......”
“You’re right. The world is absurd and shitty. But why does the conclusion have to be to live a good life?”
It was truly a trivial sense of morality. In this world of survival of the fittest, it was just pretending to be righteous on the outside. Wasn’t morality just a set of rules someone had decided upon? Yet, why had Mile thought that way? Eventually, his mouth opened.
“...Because if I had lived a good life, my life wouldn’t have flowed in this direction.”
“......”
“Even if it was an annoying daily life of being kicked around by superiors and being backstabbed by subordinates... at least. I could have been satisfied with myself for being good and righteous.”
Self-satisfaction. It was such a pathetic answer, and yet, a fitting one. I still don’t know why my father told me to live a good life. The person who died in front of me, what was he thinking when he said that... I still don’t know.
But. I empathized with Mile’s words. If I lived a good life, irritation would often surge. When the Elynarians, including Clarire, ignored me and treated me like shit. When Ullis betrayed me for her own absurd reasons. When I saw Sor’s arrogance, not knowing his place. When the villagers stabbed me in the back. When I witnessed all kinds of villains. Irritation surged. And I wanted to kill them. And to live a good life, I didn’t. Enduring it was frustrating.
But at the same time. I felt relieved.
It was frustrating, but it gave me the comfort that I was a good person and could live among people. I don’t know. Is that all there is to living a good life? If I become a member of the ruling class, like a powerful person, would I have comfort even if I didn’t live a good life? But I didn’t want to live like those arrogant bastards in power; I wanted to kill them all. What suits someone like me is Mile’s reason. The reason that I can use it as self-comfort.
Self-satisfaction. That is the reason I live a good life.
I couldn’t explain my emotions. But I knew one thing. I couldn’t kill Mile now. It was because he was someone similar to me.
Rachel’s words revived in my head.
“......”
Forgiveness. Come to think of it, it wasn’t that I hadn’t been able to forgive anyone until now; I had done it three times. Once was Ullis. What is she doing now, that woman? Why did I forgive her back then? Clearly, at first, I had burned with the desire to destroy everything related to her.
...Ah. That’s right. Gold. Seeing that man, who seemed to be the embodiment of righteousness, my pulse had slowed.
Another was the Shinjinpa. I had received a message by chance a while ago, and I had thought about tracking him down... but the Shinjinpa mentioned a promise from some time ago. A promise I had completely forgotten... Seeing someone who was actually trying to live a good life, I didn’t feel like tracking him down or killing him. In fact, at that time, it was more that I was too lazy to make the effort to forgive rather than anything else.
And the three survivors of the Gold Taeyang Clan... those idiots who had come to find me first. One of those three was definitely involved in the malice of the Gold Taeyang Clan, so I had intended to kill him. The other two were just fools who had joined, and the women they said they had trained were just in normal relationships, so I had decided to spare them. However, the two of them had clung to me, calling me "Brother," and stopped me from killing their friend while weeping. So, after inflicting immense pain, I warned them that if they bothered me again, they would see even more terrible sights.
They hesitated, but clung to me. It didn’t seem like they were prepared for death, and I felt like if I pushed harder, they might have stopped trying to stop me, but for some reason, I couldn’t threaten or cut them down. In the end, I told them I’d come find them later and just left. But thinking about it now, that was the third forgiveness.
Then, what about now? Forgiving Mile meant not just forgiving this man, but forgiving this entire situation. I had already killed all the Gold Taeyang members and enslaved their souls, but others remained. I had spared not only the male victims but also the female accomplices. Yes, those bitches remained. Should I forgive those women who were accomplices? And those who were related to the Gold Taeyang Clan to some extent, but were unconscious collaborators who didn’t even know they were cooperating... I had intended to kill them too. I know it’s crazy. But I felt like this emptiness wouldn’t be filled without doing so. And above all... should I forgive the "Headquarters"? Should I forgive all of them? Forgiving someone who had tried to touch Rena meant forgiving everyone whose sins were less than this man’s. Everyone except the Headquarters, I forgive. At least, that’s what it means to me.
“......”
Not because of my father’s words to live a good life, but because of Rachel’s words, I opened my mouth, driven by an impulse.
“Mr. Mile.”
“Sob. Sob...”
Did he think death was near? Mile sobbed, almost wailing. I placed both hands on his shoulders and, with a cracked voice, stammered out words I hadn’t intended to say.
“...Your desires, your jealousy... I think they are natural... as a human being.”
“......”
“...It was dangerous, but regardless of the reason, you ultimately did not lay a hand on Rena.”
Compared to me, who killed everyone, strong or weak, when I was pissed off, tortured them to my heart’s content, and threw a tantrum, only to cool down after hearing the word "son" and then squeezed out all my remaining temper to act like a villain—this man was better. Mile was a better human being than I was, and therefore, I had no right to punish him. I made excuses for myself and said words that were merely lip service.
“You are still a righteous person.”
“I, I...”
I gripped his shoulders tightly with both hands and squeezed out my voice.
“I forgive you.”
It was over. The moment I said those words, I felt that it was completely over. Suddenly, regret surged. Hadn’t I done enough? Hadn’t I failed to show the proper retribution to the pieces of trash involved in this? When I lifted my head again, those thoughts had vanished as if washed away. Mile’s moved expression. At my words, which lacked any substance, the look of genuine relief and salvation on his face made me feel as if my own heart had been saved. Was it because I had performed the good act of forgiveness? I don’t know if this is a good deed, but my heart was filled with relief.
Yes. Self-satisfaction. How sweet it is.
“Sob sob sob.”
Mile grabbed my hands with both of his, dropped his head, and shed tears. I waited in silence for him to stop crying. My heart was at peace.
[The soul of Malachia is...]
Just like that, my wandering had ended.
After that, honestly, I don’t really know. It seems I had some conversation with the principal or Mullin. Or maybe not. I was answering "yes, yes" to everything, and when I came to my senses, I had moved somewhere in the academy and encountered a group waiting for someone in the garden. Seeing people of that caliber waiting for me, I thought, "What a happy, popular bastard..." and as I was thinking that, they all swarmed toward me. Only then could I see their faces.
Gold. Repelt. El. Clarire. Asita... even Prostia. Suddenly. Unexpectedly, Clarire hugged me first. I must smell terrible right now. But after that, Gold and Asita didn’t want to lose, so they hugged me too. El hesitated, then only grabbed the hem of my clothes with her hand. Does it smell that bad? The last one to hug me was Prostia, which was probably due to the descent rate... but for some reason, I felt quite relieved.
I washed up. And fell asleep. And had a dream.
A dream of when my father died.
When I woke up, I felt terrible. Someone was at my bedside. Their face was buried in the darkness, so I couldn’t see them well.
Who? How much time had passed? Could it be an enemy? It felt incredibly unpleasant to have someone looking down at me without a word... as I was thinking that, they opened their mouth.
“You’re awake.”
“...Fuck.”
It wasn’t an enemy, but it was an enemy. Kaits. The bastard had been sitting in a chair he’d set up next to the bed, watching me, perhaps even nursing me back to health. Give me back my beautiful girl nursing event, you asshole.