Shae's Endless Nightmare
'It hurts. It hurts. It hurts.' Stop. Stop it. Please stop. 'I'm scared. I'm scared. I'm scared.' Why do I have to be in this situation? How long do I have to endure this hell? 'I'd rather you just kill me.' What did I do wrong to deserve this horrific pain? This unrelenting agony that I can't adapt to, feeling it every day without even the mercy of death. 'No one's coming to save me anymore...'
When Mom and Dad came back home in those gruesome states, my world had already crumbled. 'I'm not your fucking toy!' This precious body my parents gave me—why treat it like some disposable tool on a whim! Just kill me instead! 'It hurts! It hurts!! It HURTS!!!'
The others who were with me couldn't hold out and vanished somewhere, so why won't I die? Am I just that resilient? Or are they keeping me alive on purpose to torment me more? I want to die. I want to die! Stop, please stop! Do I even have a reason to keep living? Am I even human anymore? Does struggling like this mean anything? I don't want my life to end like this. If I want it to mean something... what do I have to do? Kill me! Kill me now! If you won't, then for all the pain I've suffered—so far! No! Including the pain my parents felt! No! I'll pay you back tenfold for everything! So kill me right now! Before I tear you apart without a trace!
Ha! You think I'll break from this shit? Die... "Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!"
Screaming, Shae bolted upright and frantically flipped up her clothes to touch her exposed stomach. Aside from the sweat soaking her and the old scars, her body was no different from usual.
"Ha, haha, hahaha..."
She'd had a dream she didn't want to dream. Memories she'd rather forget had resurfaced. The pain from back then felt vividly real. The body that Kaya-unnie had wiped down was drenched in sweat again. It felt sticky and gross.
"..."
It's exhausting. Such a hassle. What's the point of wiping it off? If I clean up, lie down, and sleep, I'll just have another similar nightmare and wake up soaked again. So maybe it's better not to wipe or sleep at all? Yeah. Let's do that. Let's do nothing. I'm sorry to Kaya-unnie who wiped me down, and to the Captain who set up the tent and fed me. But I feel like I shouldn't do anything. So a useless piece of trash like me should just stay like this...
—Shae. I'm coming in.
'C-Captain?'
Shae jolted in surprise and froze as Hendrick abruptly entered her tent. The first thing he saw upon rushing in wearing only his underwear was Shae's breasts, staring blankly at him.
"Sh-Shae! You okay? Does it hurt anywhere? You're not hurt, right?"
Holy shit. I whipped my head away and first checked if Shae was safe. Her sweat-glistened breasts lingered in my mind, but I had no idea why she was sitting there with her top flipped up like that. Still, I didn't forget my top priority.
"Ah, y-yeah. I'm f-fine. Just... a bad dream."
"Nightmare... I see."
As I'd half-expected, that scream seemed to come from a nightmare. Yeah. Nightmares. That makes sense. Especially in a dungeon, nightmares are on a whole different level from normal ones, so it was plenty plausible. So now...
—Uh, yeah. It must be rough, but get some good rest for tomorrow.
Say that casually and head back out? That's probably what I'd do normally. At most, I'd give her some water, make a worried face, tell her to relax because we're here, and wish her goodnight. But I'd seen it. Her body covered in horrific scars. She said her front was less scarred than her back, but that was a lie. If I had scars like that all over my body? I'd have broken down and died long ago. To have scars that extensive—what kind of hellish suffering must she have endured?
Shae said she was fine. But her body didn't look fine at all, contrary to her words. It was soaked in cold sweat, and though she didn't seem to notice, her whole body was trembling faintly. For a split second, I worried about my own outfit, but I brushed it off. For whatever reason, she'd taken her top off too, so it actually worked out. I moved right up close to her.
Shae was still sitting there blankly. When I entered the tent, she'd glanced at me briefly before lowering her head to stare at her own stomach again. She didn't even think to cover her breasts, just stayed silent like that. Her reaction exploded the moment I brought my hand to her stomach.
Slap!
"Don't touch me!"
"..."
"Ah..."
It was several times more violent than the time I'd casually tapped her shoulder over her clothes. Of course it was. This time, I was trying to touch her bare skin where the scars were exposed. The blank look on her face had turned into one of extreme unease.
"Sorry for trying to touch you without asking."
"N-No, it's fine. Really. Captain."
"Yeah? You're really okay?"
"Huh?"
I ignored the pain on the back of my hand and moved it again. As my hand neared her stomach, terror crept over Shae's face. The instant my fingertips touched a scar—
Slap!
My hand was smacked away again.
"Ah, aaah... No. This wasn't on purpose! I mean... I mean...!"
I lit the magic torch. Her expression, previously hazy, came into sharp focus. She was unmistakably terrified. Specifically, of my hand heading toward her stomach again.
"N-Ngh, nghh, p-please don't. Please."
Shae started sobbing. I could even hear her upper and lower teeth chattering between words. I ignored it completely. For the third time, I placed my hand on her stomach.
'1, 2, 3, 4.' 5. This time, it lasted 5 seconds. First try: under a second. Second: about 3 seconds. Third: up to about 5 seconds. I tried again.
"Please... Captain! Why are you doing this! Why!"
"I'm not going to hurt you. I won't hurt you."
The back of my hand was red and swollen. Damn, all my female comrades seemed to have freakish strength. But I couldn't back down here. Gamer instinct, leader instinct, man's intuition, bond-based hunch—whatever you want to call it. Right now, with her mentality at rock bottom, this was the timing. I persisted stubbornly. In my head, I imagined trying to bond with an abused dog I'd adopted after countless rejections. To heal her terror of touch itself, touch was necessary, I thought. A slight worry crept in that I might worsen her trauma if I screwed up...
'That's what I'm truly sorry for, Shae. Forgive me for having to go this extreme. Or don't, if you can't.'
To boost her morale now, I had to pull out all the stops. No need for beans or yut sticks. Just pure mo. To get that mo, I'd thrown gambles and near-desperate calls up to now. To clear this bullshit highest-difficulty dungeon.
'I made the judgments and actions, so the responsibility is mine.'
Even if, after returning to Seilroom and recovering, Kaya developed lingering obsession toward me. Even if Shae manifested new symptoms. I'd shoulder it all. So hang in there just a bit longer, Shae.
Slowly, slowly—it took about an hour. My hand stroking her stomach was incredibly gentle. She trembled as if desperate to swat it away, but she managed to hold back in the end. Her voice was thick with sorrow and resentment.
"Why... why are you doing this, Captain...? I said I was fine... I said it was just a nightmare... Why make me, who said no, who rejected you, feel this pathetic...?"
"Because I'm worried about you."
"Worried about me...? Cut the bullshit!"
Shae exploded. Finally, the emotions crushed under her lethargy were bursting out.
"Yeah! The oath! I swore it! Right in front of you and unnie, I swore openly to Lady Justitia! I know! I know I'm no help to the hero party right now! I know I'm a burden to you and unnie! I know if this keeps up, we won't clear the zone! I know it all!"
"Yeah."
"Yeah! But what can I do? Everything feels pointless! No matter how hard I try, things just head for the worst! Even if I defend properly! Even if I attack with all my strength! We won't reach the goal, and unnie and you, who I'm supposed to protect, suffer the same! Tears streamed down Shae's cheeks.
"I said I hated heretics more than anyone and would smash them in their sleep, but look at me now—how pathetic is that? Right? You said you'd try to save me somehow. Pump me up somehow. Let me rest somehow! Get me to hold the claymore in front of heretics again somehow! Comfort a worthless, pathetic, powerless wreck like me by force! Even someone like me!!!"
"That's not it, Shae."
"Don't lie!!!"
Shae grabbed my throat. My breath caught.
"You pity me! You find me hideous! You see me as a useless lump! But since there's no one else immediately useful! Only two others to fight with right now! You're just trying to use me as a meat shield!!!"
"Meat shield? That's harsh."
"Shut up! Shut the fuck up!!!"
The world spun. Shae, gripping my throat, now shook my head wildly back and forth.
"Look! Look right here with your eyes wide open!"
She roughly seized the back of my head and yanked it toward her stomach, the one I'd been stroking moments ago.
"They sliced my gut open while I was awake! Some sorcery kept me from passing out! Those vile bastards made sure I watched it all in real time! As they cut my belly! Ripped out my womb! Fucked with it in some twisted way! Shoved it back in! And roughly stitched it up—everything!"
Shae's lower abdomen bore a twisted, jagged scar.
"It was utter helplessness. My belly carved open alive, the room for my precious baby violated in some incomprehensible way... And I couldn't even die. That powerlessness from back then—I still feel it constantly. When I swing my sword! When I block enemy attacks! When I walk! Even when I close my eyes!!! Even now, when you force yourself to stroke here!!!!"
That, that!!! Shae's eyes were bloodshot, bright red.
"You don't even know what I feel, so what do you know...? Spouting nonsense like you're worried about me!!!!!"
"Fair point."
I grabbed her wrists. She resisted, but this time I pushed back. We strained against each other.
"It's impossible for me to fully know or understand your past."
"Someone who knows that!"
"And yet, I'm someone who wants to know you and understand you."
"...Ha?"
"As your comrade fighting by your side. And as your captain, who'll hold you and lead you to the dungeon's end. I can't just leave you alone."
Shae's furious expression cooled sharply. Of course, that's who you are, it seemed to say.
"...Sorry for getting mad. Sorry for hitting your hand and choking you. I'll try to rest and recover somehow. That's what you want, right? Isn't it?"
"Shae."
"What, Captai—"
Shae's attempt to end the audience fell short.
Mwah—
The moment I pressed my lips to her stomach, she froze like a statue.