Yesterday and Today (1)

"You damn rascal!!"

The roar tore across the parade ground like fire, loud enough to ring the whole field.

I bailed out of the vehicle in a panic and ran, dodging the forehead flick that had come to kill me. A tiny beast was charging with a killing intent far too big for her size. If that connected, I was dead. Imagery power gathered in the team leader's fist, and no matter how I looked at it, that was no forehead flick. It was a mortal art, steeped in the essence of a Special-Grade librarian wrapped in secrecy. Even a long-form aberration would die in a single blow.

"T-Team Leader, calm down!"

I felt a threat to my life unlike anything before and threw both arms out, palms open, the way you soothe a savage animal.

"I..."

Of course that was never going to stop her. In the instant before she kicked off the ground to kill me—

"Then just kill me!!"

"Then what, you're going to leave it like this?! If you're the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠team leader, you can pretend this never happened!!"

I started throwing a tantrum just to stay alive.

"Where did all that swagger go—acting like you were wondering how many documents it would even take to hold my information!!"

Is she buying it?

She wasn't moving, but her whole body seemed to be shaking even harder.

"You rascal!!"

"My head is already splitting just from dealing with you!!"

She closed in with long, relentless strides. I was terrified.

Hana, save me. Don't pretend you didn't see—you've already melted!

The team leader looked up at me from below, and I couldn't meet her eyes. Her furious breath reached my skin.

"Han Jaehee."

"Yes, ma'am."

She dragged in several rough breaths.

"Fine. I can't kill you. And Purification isn't something you can hide for the rest of your life."

A deep sigh burst out of her, heavy enough to cave the ground in.

"As you said yourself, I came here to cover things like this."

The anger in her words eased by a degree. Cold sweat was running down me despite the weather.

"Go on."

"Hm? Hana, why are you just standing there reading the room? Go prepare for the grade assessment."

"Yes, ma'am!"

We answered together and got off the parade ground as fast as we could.

When the dust settled, Hwaran let out a long breath. White vapor stretched thin and slowly came apart.

"Ha Yerin, was it?"

"..."

Ha Yerin still hadn't gotten out of the vehicle. Even through all that uproar, the light in her lifeless eyes only kept fading.

Watching Jaehee and Hana sprint away with everything they had, Hwaran spoke.

"It will be hard. Accepting it will be hard—the fact that you must send off the comrades who stood with you."

"Even if, in a world like this, losing comrades and family and the people around you has become commonplace."

"That does not mean the pain has been thinned."

Darkness began to settle over Hwaran's face.

"I was the same. I sent them off. I could not protect them."

"But people are absurd creatures. Survive like this, and you find that you want to live."

"My comrades are all dead. I failed to keep them safe. And here I am, ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠alive, shamelessly thinking of how I will go on."

"I disgust myself."

Hwaran steadied her breath. A short silence passed.

"Even so, you must live."

"No. Precisely because of that, you must live."

"Live on that way, and it comes."

"A reason to go on."

Hwaran stroked the two dog tags at her throat and looked after Jaehee and Hana with a faint smile. Kim Seungjun. Park Jangwon. Each tag bore someone else's service number.

"Did that boy not stake his life to save you?"

"You have survived already, so try living. Then someday, perhaps, it will come. A reason to go on."

"Just as it did for me."

She had started toward the garrison when she paused and looked back at Yerin. Resentment, helplessness, sorrow, guilt, loathing—a sob in which every one of them was tangled.

"Come into the garrison."

"The day is cold."

Hwaran walked on, and in Ha Yerin's eyes, which had been cooling toward ice, a small ember caught.

Grade 4?

Grade 4?

A month ago, at graduation, I had still been Grade 6. Not that Grade 6 was anything to scoff at. Most people who awakened imagery power came in at Grade 10 or 9, and even after entering the training institute, Grade 9 to 8 was the ordinary ceiling. More people than I could count simply accepted their limit and went back to everyday life. From Grade 5 on, though, you were a senior librarian. Unlike the junior librarians of Grades 10 through 6, you were treated as one of the upper ranks.

My cheeks were trying to climb somewhere they had no business going. My face had to look ridiculous. So what? I was happy. I let myself smile.

When I stepped outside, the sun was already sinking. Under a sky washed red, the dragon-ridge roof stretched long and clean, dyed in the sunset—the main hall of Lantern, Pandora's Korea Branch. Even as the day went down, people came and went. I was standing there in a strange sense of belonging when Hana came out.

She looked incredibly happy. She was holding something out for me to see, but she was too far away to make it out, and she came pattering over at nearly a run.

"Ta-da."

She had stopped, and still she'd arrived so fast that her sunset-dyed ponytail was swaying.

"Well? From now on, you shall call me big sister."

Hana's cheeks had already ascended to heaven, and her nose didn't know the sky had a limit. Should I tease her? I put on a look of shock, then swapped it at once for something gloomy.

"Con... gratulations."

"Huh...?"

Hana, who had been riding so high, faltered. Her face twisted a little.

"Wh... what? It didn't go well?"

"..."

I looked away on purpose.

"Don't joke. I'm not falling for it, Han Jaehee."

She scrunched her brows and shoved her face in close.

"..."

I was going to burst. Hold it. Just a little longer. I bit down hard on my lower lip.

"...Wait. Are you still Grade 6?"

She was looking at me with bright, worried eyes.

"...Yeah."

I let my body sag like a balloon with the air let out.

"It's okay!! You're good, so you'll pass it in no time. Ahaha... don't get so down—"

She started babbling. She really was kind.

"The team leader will understand too. No, wait, the team leader will be even more disappointed—"

Cute. Time to stop. There was a limit to holding a laugh in.

"Pfft..."

"Huh...?"

"Bwahaha, you fell for it again, Hana. I got Grade 4."

"Haha..."

"Ha... sorry."

Hana puffed both cheeks once, and then her whole face went scarlet. She spun around and stalked off alone, fuming—her stride, her swinging ponytail, all of it unmistakably a sulk. She was sulking. Badly. And it was so cute I couldn't stop laughing.

"Hana, come with me! Pfft— Hana!! I'm sorry."

I picked up speed to catch her, and she broke into a run. Then she stopped all at once, turned her head for a moment, and shrieked.

"Go away!! I hate you!!"

She took off again. I thought I saw tears gathering at the corners of her eyes. It had been a while since I'd teased her, and it was fun. I put on a burst of ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠speed and caught her.

"...Congratulations."

Still sulking, she spoke without turning her head.

"I'm sorry, Hana. Congratulations on making Grade 5."

I turned her around. Still pouting. This much probably meant she was starting to thaw.

"So we're both senior librarians now."

"We are. But you're already Grade 4, Jaehee."

"I only just scraped into Grade 4."

For a moment an awkward silence fell—the kind that drops out of nowhere after all the noise. Hana was the one who broke it.

"Go on ahead to the garrison. There's somewhere I need to stop."

The memorial? She wasn't asking me to come, so I ought to let her have it.

"All right. It's cold, so don't stay too long."

"Yeah. I'll be quick."

She walked away, drawing a long shadow out behind her. I watched for a while, then started walking myself.

Behind the main hall of Lantern, in a small prepared space, several memorial steles stood. Some had flowers laid on them. Some still had people mourning. And some had been quietly forgotten.

Come here, and the frantic noise of the city disappeared. Only sorrow and longing settled quietly down.

2015. A tragedy from fifteen years ago. An aberration had erupted without warning at Seoul's Exit 2, and there had ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠been a dedicated defense team—but the defense team leader, the greatest force they had at the time, abandoned the scene. There was a reason, they said, that could not be made public. As if that weren't obvious. In the end the defense failed, and the tragedy left countless librarians and civilians dead or wounded. That day, my mother died.

Well. It was a common story.

I bent my knees and sat, running a hand over the stone. Park Jiwon. Kim Seungjun. Na Hyeonsu. Lee Mija. And my mom. Park Miwon.

Honestly, I had almost no memories of her. But I couldn't forget the warmth—the way she held my small hand so tightly.

"Mom, I'm a Grade 5 librarian now. Well? Your daughter's pretty amazing, right?"

I was grinning, so why were the tears trying to come again? I looked up at the sky to shake them off.

"I've met a lot of good people, though. I think I'm a little better."

Familiar faces rose up, and a small smile came with them.

"But Dad still seems like he's struggling. He still barely talks."

I lowered my head again and looked at the name Park Miwon.

"I'm having a hard time too, though, haha... and I just said I thought I'd gotten better..."

"If we'd all still been together, Dad and Mom both would've praised me like crazy, right?"

"If..."

"..."

"No! I'm sorry. I have to stay strong! Mom, I'll come again."

Footprints remained in the grass of the park. One held loneliness. The other held resolve.

Baek Hwaran was reading a document with her brow furrowed.

"Ha Yerin has entered the training institute, and Kim Seoyoung..."

"A participant in the Lazarus Project."

"Genshin, that wretch... One bombshell wasn't enough for you."

"It's not as if I'm assembling a classified dream team."

"Haa..."

She let out a long sigh and opened the window.

"To think 'you're the only one I can raise' was meant exactly as it sounded."

Hwaran burned the document in an instant. The ashes drifted, light as down, toward the sky and vanished. Then came a knock.

"It's Han Jaehee. May I come i—"

"Since when have you stood on ceremony like that? Come in."

I scratched my head and went in.

"Come on, you could at least play along."

The team leader opened her eyes halfway.

"This one's terribly worked up. Sit."

"Hahaha!! This is embarrassing."

So it showed. Humiliating.

"Grade 4?"

"How did you guess?"

I was startled, and I asked as if I weren't.

"Hana would be Grade 5. The two of you have finally shed that rookie look. Where is Hana?"

She went on as if she didn't care in the slightest, and all the wind went out of me. Could she tell at a glance? Or had she expected it all along?

"No... talk about a letdown. Hana said she'd be a little late..."

All at once the team leader sprang up like a coil and started scrubbing my head with her hand.

"You rascal! Sulking? Haha. It's been a while since I've seen that face."

Come on. Damn it. Ha.

"A-a pipsqueak's praise doesn't even make me that happy. Would you please take your hand off."

The words snagged on the way out.

"Then speak without tripping over them."

That tiny thing is a Special-Grade librarian... and of the highest confidential grade, no less.... Once. I just want to hit her once!

My hand was trembling when a welcome voice came in.

"Enjoying the head-patting?"

Is that frost on her voice?

"Enjoy—what's there to enjoy! Please stop, Team Leader."

"Very well, you rascal."

Satisfied, the team leader withdrew to her seat. Hana was standing there, glaring at me.

What? Why are you glaring?

"Hana, you sit as well."

"Yes."

"So. You received Grade 5?"

"Huh? How did you know? Han Jaehee, did you tell her?"

She glared at me again.

"I didn't."

"Well done, both of you. I can rest a little easier now."

"Aww, it kind of takes the fun out of it. Still, I'm glad!"

Hana scratched her head and smiled.

"Let's have the celebration tomorrow!"

"Huh? Weren't we gathered because we were doing it today?"

"Sorry. Something came up at home..."

Home. Something about her father? Nothing to be done about that.

"Very well. Tomorrow is no trouble. Jaehee, stay a moment."

"Yes?"

"There is something brief I must say, and if not now, I fear I will not be able to."

"Then I'll go on ahead. I'm sorry."

"Enough. I will see you tomorrow."

Long after Hana had left the room, the team leader spoke.

"Jaehee. I am sorry to raise this at such a time, but it is about Hana."

"Yes."

I have a bad feeling....

"Is she a victim of the Seoul Entry Tragedy?"

The team leader's lips trembled, ever so slightly.

"Team Leader, that's something you should hear from her yourself."

"I can't tell you. Not even if it's you."

I answered looking straight into her eyes.

"It is... because that is difficult for me. I am asking you."

The eyes fixed on me began to waver. Had the team leader ever shown me a face like that?

Hana did not go home. In her hand was a single cake, and she carried it in secret toward the office.

Our little team leader, after all her hard work.

I was going to call Jaehee in too and surprise her together.

I'll just surprise both of them at once.

It's actually better that I didn't tell Jaehee.

Anticipation began to fill her face.

"Could you not simply tell me that much?"

It was the first time I had seen the team leader's eyes shake like that. I was shaking too.

What do I do with this.... Hana, I'm sorry.

"Yes. Her mother passed away."

Hana drew closer and closer to the office.

"Back then, she and her father survived."

I packed the words with all my resentment at being made to talk about her behind her back.

"Then why can't you ask Hana yourself, Team Leader?"

The door was slightly open. Light and voices leaked through the narrow gap, and Hana began to walk on tiptoe so her steps wouldn't give her away.

"I..."

The faint leaking light fell across her face, still full of anticipation. In the moment she reached for the handle, words she did not want to hear came through.

"During the Seoul Entry Tragedy..."

Hana froze. The heart that had been pounding with anticipation began to race with dread.

What...?

The instant the team leader's confession ended, the door was flung open.

"Hana?!"

"Hana?!"

"A cake...? Ah..."

Where their eyes had gone, Hana stood with a cake in one hand, crying, shaking from head to foot.