Reconfirmation

The school cafeteria was bustling with students, everyone pouring in for lunch.

And in the middle of all that bustle, I—

"Where do you want to sit?"

Tray in hand, I was scanning the room for somewhere to sit with Kim Hyewon.

"Hmm..."

Maybe because we'd arrived a touch later than everyone else? The seats were already filling up. There were plenty of empty places, all things considered, but none of them felt quite right for just the two of us.

While I was still taking in the cafeteria, Kim Hyewon started walking toward one particular spot.

"Let's sit over there."

Following her, I found there was indeed a place suitable for two. There was, but...

"Baek Seojun?"

I'd been staring fixedly at a single spot, and Kim Hyewon gave me an odd look. A moment later she followed my gaze, saw the same thing I was seeing, and let out a small sound of understanding.

There sat Kim Chaeeun and Yang Jinhyeok, eating lunch together — and at what was practically the seats Chaeeun and I had always claimed as our own, no less.

It left me with a strange feeling, as though I, as a person, had simply been swapped out for Yang Jinhyeok.

...No.

"Replaced" wasn't the right word. She had never liked me to begin with, so saying I'd been replaced was a stretch.

...They look happy.

Something in my chest squeezed tight. Having given up was one thing; the lingering echo of old feelings ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠was quite another, and that much I couldn't help.

But.

"Baek Seojun."

Kim Hyewon's firm voice seeped into my ear.

"Sit down already and eat with me."

At her words I glanced around and found a few students watching us with puzzled expressions. It was only for an instant, but I thought our eyes met, hers too.

Only then did I realize how deep in thought I'd been, and I hurried into my seat.

"Sorry."

"It's fine."

She nodded as if to say she understood.

"I don't know the details, but I did hear what kind of feelings you had for her. So I get it."

I hadn't told her ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠everything yesterday. Only that I'd carried a one-sided love for Chaeeun, and that Chaeeun hadn't felt the same. I'd left out the part where she liked another man.

But Kim Hyewon had practically been glued to my side all day — walking to school, sitting through class, right up until we came to get lunch. So unless someone was a fool, they were going to figure it out. That it wasn't simply a matter of the girl not liking me back, but of her liking someone else entirely.

We finished lunch and headed out. We'd meant to go back to the classroom, but there was nothing to do there anyway, so Kim Hyewon and I stopped by the school store on the way and ended up on the rooftop instead.

Sitting side by side on the rooftop eating ice cream, she studied me for a while, then blurted out:

"Hey, there's something I'm curious about."

"Curious about what?"

"Your relationship with Kim Chaeeun."

"...Chaeeun?"

"Yeah."

She nodded. What on earth could she be curious about?

"...Like what?"

"Can I ask?"

"Hmm... sure, I guess."

Unless it was something truly out of bounds, I meant to answer her honestly. With Kim Chaeeun being carved out of my heart, Kim Hyewon was the only person left in my life I could actually call a friend.

And—

"Watching you today, one thing clicked for me: the reason you gave up on Kim Chaeeun was because she likes that boy, Yang Jinhyeok. Right?"

She had noticed after all.

"...That's right. How long have you known?"

"Since this morning."

"This morning?"

"Yeah. You asked her whether she'd walked to school on her own. That's when something started feeling off to me."

"'Off,' huh..."

Was this what they called a woman's intuition? I'd figured she'd caught on from how I acted in the cafeteria, but I never imagined it went all the way back to this morning.

"What made me certain was lunch just now. It was the first time I'd ever seen her with a boy who wasn't you."

"......"

"Since when has it been like that?"

"...Hard to say. Honestly, I don't know myself."

Since when had she liked Yang Jinhyeok? The truth was, I had no idea. I hadn't known a thing about it until ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠she came out and told me she thought she had feelings for him.

The two of us had always been joined at the hip, sharing practically everything — which could only mean that at some point, Kim Chaeeun had quietly slipped out from under my gaze. Unless she told me herself, there was no way for me to know when it had started.

"I see."

Kim Hyewon nodded slowly. Just as I thought her curiosity was satisfied — as if to remind me not to let my guard down — she lobbed another question my way.

"Okay, but there's one more thing I'm curious about."

"What now?"

"You said you and Kim Chaeeun are childhood friends from way back."

"We are."

"Then you must've spent ages together. So how come you couldn't win her heart?"

This time, the question was a sharp one. Sharp enough to make me hesitate, even for a moment. Honestly, this was deeply personal territory, and I owed nobody an answer.

But.

"..."

I had wanted someone to hear all of this — the story I'd been stacking up for years. I wanted to pour out the feelings I'd kept bottled away somewhere, anywhere. And so, as if under a spell, I opened my mouth.

"I first met Chaeeun back in kindergarten, probably."

Our first meeting went all the way back to kindergarten. Now we were second-years in high school, both of us eighteen. A friendship stretching a full ten years, no exaggeration.

"And I fell for her about five years ago."

"Why did you like her?"

"There wasn't some big reason. At some point she just started looking pretty to me. She'd naturally become a girl in my eyes."

That was all it was. We'd spent so many years together that affection had taken root, and little by little I'd started seeing her as a woman. And so I fell for her.

"At first I tried to hide it."

"Why?"

"Because we'd been friends forever."

I was afraid that if I was too hasty about baring my heart, the relationship itself might crack.

"If the relationship broke, the everyday life we shared would break apart with it. I think I was scared of losing something."

So I hid it.

"But hiding it turned out to be exhausting too."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. Kim Hyewon — have you ever liked someone?"

"...No."

I saw her shake her head. Fair enough; it was hard to picture that deadpan girl having a crush on anyone.

"Then you wouldn't really know. Liking someone isn't the kind of thing you can just tuck away. Unless you kill the feeling off completely, it's going to leak out eventually, one way or another."

"So she caught you?"

"No."

She never did find out.

"I didn't want her to find out before I was ready. So instead, I started showing it on purpose."

"That you liked her?"

"Yeah."

Step by careful step, I acted in ways she might notice my heart.

"More attentive, more fun, mixing in casual touches where it felt natural — I spent practically every hour of every day at her side. We went on dates, the kind couples go on, all the time."

"And that's how she figured it out?"

"No."

But she never noticed a thing.

"Maybe I was going about it all wrong — if anything, she came to see me as an even more fun, more ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠dependable friend. Not as a man. Just as someone solid she could lean on."

"......"

"So I decided I couldn't go on like that."

I wanted to stand beside her as her boyfriend — not as her friend and keeper.

"So I made up my mind to confess."

"A confession?"

"Yeah. If I said I liked her to her face, at the very least she'd have to acknowledge it."

I was terrified the relationship might come crashing down. Even so, I confessed.

But—

I was rejected. It was exactly the outcome I'd half expected, anyway — all I'd truly wanted was to give her even one occasion to start seeing me as a man.

"But even that didn't do it."

After that day, Chaeeun still didn't register me as a man. If anything, the confession got treated half like a joke — the shallow whim of a boy knee-deep in adolescence.

"I think she took that confession to mean I'd finally gotten it out of my system, because she started acting even friendlier with me afterward."

I had wanted her to recognize me as a man capable of confessing to her — a man who carried feelings for her. Instead, she decided that with that one confession, I had emptied my heart out for good.

"From then on, the whole thing just went to hell."

"You couldn't have tried again?"

"No. It didn't work. Whenever I tried to let my feelings show again, I could see Chaeeun getting awkward."

That awkwardness was what made me hesitate.

"That's when I knew. What Chaeeun wanted was 'friend Baek Seojun.' 'Boyfriend Baek Seojun' was the one thing she had no use for at all."

What more could I have done from there? Kept the flirting coming? Bought her flowers on the regular and confessed all over again? Granted, that might have at least shown her that my feelings weren't some passing fancy — that I was serious.

But.

"I could see the relationship falling apart before any of that could happen."

The collapse would have arrived long before the day she finally saw me as a man. Sure, once she did, the relationship would naturally have to be redefined — but watching it crumble too soon was never what I wanted.

In the end, I could do nothing at all. And then, when Chaeeun told me she liked Yang Jinhyeok — that was when I simply decided to give up.

"Because she never once saw me as a man."

Telling another boy she liked him, right in front of the boy who had just told her he loved her — that was one absolute, irrefutable proof that she didn't see me as a man at all.

With a faint smile, I looked over at Kim Hyewon. I wondered if that had finally satisfied her curiosity.

And then—

"I don't think so."

She said something I couldn't make sense of.

"What do you mean?"

"That part about her not seeing you as a man. I don't think that's it."