Chapter 183
Chapter 183
"Is that really enough for you?"
That evening, in the dream space, I asked Sara exactly that.
"Is that really enough? Wait—are you saying it was too soft? Should I have pulled Yang Hye-in into a hug and stroked her hair or something?"
Sara shot back teasingly, and I frowned slightly.
"That's not why I'm asking."
"I know."
Pouting as if to say, Why can't you take a joke?, she grumbled.
"You're asking if I can really forgive what she did to me with just that, right?"
"...Yeah."
When I nodded, Sara shrugged once before answering.
"Well, I really don't have any strong feelings left about it. And you're the one who said it, if someone wronged 'me,' then of course 'I' should be the one to forgive them."
"...I did say that."
And that was exactly why I still felt uneasy. I couldn't tell whether Sara had genuinely forgiven her, or whether she was just pretending to forgive because of what I'd said.
At the very least, it did seem like Yang Hye-in had taken Sara's words to heart.
"...I said that for the same reason."
Sara must have sensed I couldn't quite bring myself to trust her on this, because her shoulders slumped as if all the energy had drained out of her. She plopped down next to me.
"Honestly, I don't even know what I'm supposed to do to make forgiveness feel real. It's true she was in league with the people who ostracized me back then, but during that time I didn't really care about anyone around me except Choi Na-kyung. So even when she says she wronged me... hmm."
Sara rested her chin on her hand and tilted her head.
"And, you know this too—whatever I felt about everyone else, I did talk to Yang Hye-in bit by bit. I'd tell her my demands, or I'd call her when I needed something... Though I wasn't as good at talking properly back then as I am now, so I don't know if you could even call those real conversations."
"..."
"...So, whatever I felt about everyone else, my feelings toward Yang Hye-in are a little vague. The anger, the urge for revenge, at least, they're way less than what I felt toward Choi Na-kyung. So when someone like that apologizes to me, all I feel is kind of awkward."
"I see..."
That was why Sara had said what she did. The most considerate answer she could manage.
"Yeah. That's why I said it. I told her to keep helping me until her conscience felt clear. If she decides she's done enough and leaves, then that's that. If we get closer in the meantime, then that's nice too. Right?"
Listening to her, I had no choice but to nod.
No matter what I thought, the right to forgive Yang Hye-in belonged to Sara alone. Whether she forgave her or not, whatever form that forgiveness took, I had no right to object to Sara's decision.
"..."
Besides, I had an apology of my own to make to Sara.
"What, is there something else?"
"No, I..."
As Sara leaned into my face with a bright expression, I hesitated for a moment, then finally let the words out.
"I'm... sorry."
"Huh?"
"I'm sorry."
Sara, who had been leaning close, gave me a strange look. She pulled back and asked again.
"Sorry for what?"
"Because I... I've had thoughts like Yang Hye-in did."
"Like her?"
Sara tilted her head, and I hesitated slightly before speaking.
"There was a time when I thought, you have plenty of money, so you'd eventually be okay—that you had no reason at all to give up on life."
"Ah..."
Sara's face went blank for an instant. "What?" The next moment, her brow furrowed. The way her head tilted to one side made it clear she genuinely didn't understand why I was apologizing.
"No, I mean... I'm sorry I thought that..."
"So you're saying you're sorry for 'thinking' it? Not for saying it to my face, or running around badmouthing me to other people—you're apologizing for just 'thinking' it by yourself?"
"Uh..."
Put that way, yeah. That was exactly what I was doing.
"Are you the type of person who, if you pass someone on the street and have a pervy thought, grabs them and says, 'I'm sorry, I had a dirty thought about you'?"
"Uh..."
My mouth was completely locked up, and there was no sign of it opening anytime soon.
"No, but that is literally sexual harassment."
The only thing I managed to squeeze out was a nitpick.
"My point is, there are plenty of times you have unpleasant thoughts about other people. Do you seriously grab every single one and apologize to their face?"
"..."
Of course I didn't.
Because if all you do is think it, no one ever finds out.
Though, naturally, thoughts like that have a way of calcifying and eventually leaking into your actions if you hang onto them for too long.
"But still. We share our memories... so I thought it was right to apologize ahead of time."
Better to own it and genuinely apologize now than to get caught later.
"..."
Sara narrowed her eyes and stared at me for a long moment, then let out a deep sigh.
"Well, fine. Since you're so set on apologizing, I'll accept it."
"Than—"
Before I could even finish the word, Sara flopped down again right in front of me.
No, not next to me. In front.
As a reminder, I was perched on the edge of the bed, like I almost always was. So for Sara to sit "in front" of me, the only available spot was my lap.
...So this was probably how Ha-neul had felt back then.
The Sara in front of me right now was, for some reason, just a little bigger than me.
Originally she'd appeared a bit smaller than me, but at some point she'd started showing up with a slightly larger frame.
I didn't really know why.
The timing was probably right after the first time she'd kissed me... but I had no clue what it meant. Had Sara grown psychologically?
If we were measuring that way, my own mental age was far higher than hers.
"...Hey, Sara."
"Yeah?"
She responded to my call. Since she was currently bigger than me, her eyes, from my lap, were far above mine.
Looking down at me with her head tilted slightly, her gaze carried an almost oppressive weight.
I swallowed dryly and spoke.
"But, you know... do we really have to do this every time we switch?"
"What do you mean, like this?"
...Her eyes were terrifying. Absolutely terrifying.
Her lips were curved into a smile, but her eyes seemed strangely devoid of feeling.
No; it wasn't that they had no feeling...
Maybe it was the sharpness of her gaze, or the way she was looking down from a slightly larger frame, but her face somehow resembled a feline predator gazing down at its prey.
"I mean... now that we can both access each other's memories and everything, we can switch just by agreeing inside your head..."
Even the time Sara and Yang Hye-in had spoken alone—that had happened because Sara had just gone "I'll help!" and swapped with me in an instant.
No need to fall asleep in the middle. No need to deliberately pull up intense memories.
Though, for that very reason, Sara had been in control of the body right up until we fell asleep and could meet like this.
"Oh, that."
Sara seemed to have the same thought; she considered it for a moment, then spoke.
"That was a coincidence."
"...Coincidence?"
"Yeah. A total coincidence. There's probably some trick to it, but at the time it just happened to work. It's not stable. Yeah. A coincidence, definitely a coincidence."
Sara, muttering the word "coincidence" several times over, was a little frightening.
"No, but..."
"Hey, though."
Sara cut me off.
Still looking down at me, she spoke.
"Right now, I'm bigger than you."
"Huh?"
"Right now, I'm bigger than you."
I was pretty sure she'd just said the exact same thing twice.
"If I put my mind to it, I could push you flat on your back right now. But I'm holding back. No matter what, this is, after all, inside my mind."
"..."
It seemed those predator's eyes of hers were the real deal after all.
"And what was it you said last time?"
There had been one occasion when I'd fallen asleep only to find Sara sitting proudly on top of me.
What had I said back then...
"...You're still a minor..."
"Right. I'm still a minor, so I'm holding myself back."
With that, Sara beamed brightly at me.
That smile was heavy.
Deeply, crushingly heavy.
"I told you last time, didn't I? I like you so, so much. Enough that I want to chomp right into your neck."
You were the one who called me a vampire. If you're the one doing the biting, doesn't that make you the vampire?
...Naturally, I didn't say any of that out loud.
Because right now, Sara was a little scary.
"...Okay."
Once again, I swallowed dryly.
Right. Not getting eaten alive; that was already a victory.
Thinking that, I let out a soft laugh in spite of myself.
What was I even thinking, about someone years younger than me.
"Good. Okaaay then."
Before I'd even fully finished, Sara grabbed both my cheeks.
I was probably sporting that fish-face look again.
"That's right, isn't it? Permission granted?"
...Let's call it permission.
Watching Sara's face draw closer and closer, I closed my eyes.