The Fireworks of Confession
I told myself I was just dressing normally, but that was a lie. I rarely wore a watch, and I usually preferred to let my hair down comfortably. I tried to convince myself that this much effort was only natural when meeting someone, but anyone who looked at me would know I had dressed up. There was no way they wouldn’t notice.
“Junho oppa?”
And when I met Jiyu at the amusement park entrance, her appearance was…
“Ah, Jiyu. Your outfit today is…”
“D-does it look weird?”
She looked so stunning, so beautiful, that the words slipped out before I could stop them. I almost said she looked adorable. I barely managed to swallow the words back down and fought desperately to regain my composure.
“...It’s quite different from your usual style.”
An amusement park. A man and woman both dressed to the nines. To anyone watching, it would look exactly like a date. But the reason I had come here today wasn’t for a date.
“Oppa, you look incredibly handsome today.”
“Let’s go in.”
I deliberately kept my tone as cold as possible. I couldn’t let even the slightest bit of my feelings for her leak through.
“When was the last time you came here, oppa?”
“I’ve never been. This is my first time.”
My voice stayed cold, but it was true that this was my first time at an amusement park. Ever since I was young, my circumstances had never allowed for such leisurely outings. Even when the school sent home a permission slip for a field trip to the amusement park, I couldn’t participate because of the cost.
“Then this is your first time coming with me?! That makes it even more exciting! This is the best! I love it so much!”
No matter what I did, no matter what attitude I took, she just smiled. Whenever she smiled like that and talked about all the things she wanted to do with me, I really…
“Should we get those too? Matching headbands! When you come to an amusement park, you’re supposed to do stuff like this…”
I wanted to throw everything away and just enjoy being with her. The urge was so strong it made me want to die. I bit down hard on my lip and pushed myself forward. I couldn’t. I couldn’t hurt her with this half-hearted heart of mine. I didn’t even know what love was anymore. Everything I had done looked twisted and upside down.
No, honestly, that was all just an excuse. I was simply afraid. Afraid that the person who liked me so openly, who showed it so clearly that anyone could see, would one day think I was disgusting. In the end, I was nothing but a coward.
Was I really doing this to avoid hurting Jiyu? To prevent her from getting deeply hurt someday? All lies. All excuses. Every single one of them was pathetically weak.
“Um… oppa, what’s your ideal type?”
Lost in thought, I hadn’t properly heard or answered her. Maybe the atmosphere had grown too awkward, because she gently spoke first.
“...I don’t know. I’ve never really thought about it.”
“I see. Well, I’ve never thought much about my ideal type either…”
“Anyway, you’re not my ideal type, Jiyu.”
I pushed her away with my defense mechanisms, telling her not to get close. And in that moment, I saw it. The flash of hurt that crossed her face—the face that had been smiling so endlessly and lovingly.
“...Ah, I see…”
What the hell am I doing right now?
“That’s possible…! I mean, an ideal type is just… yeah, it’s just an ideal.”
What on earth am I doing…?
“Ah, looks like the food’s ready! I’ll go get it, just a second!”
I thought running away like a coward, trapped by the ghosts of my past, was inevitable. I thought pushing people away so I wouldn’t get hurt anymore was unavoidable. So I ran. I ran so I wouldn’t have to feel pain anymore.
But then… why did my heart hurt so much the moment Jiyu made that face? Why did a corner of my chest ache like it was being torn apart?
If I was going to draw a line, I should have drawn it clearly. If I was going to run, I should have run completely. But instead of doing either, I let myself be controlled by the past. And when I finally looked back—
Shin Jiyu had already stepped inside the lonely line I had drawn in my heart.
“They said there would be fireworks tonight, so I found us a good spot…”
But how could I say that now? I had already given her every possible wound. I had acted like I was leaving the door open, then pulled back again and hurt her. Even now, I had dragged her out here under the pretense of sorting things out once and for all.
“It’s close by, so even if we’re tired, we have to watch it together…!”
Look at me right now.
“Over here! This way!”
I had withdrawn the hand I would have normally held, and she was making a face like she was about to cry. Realizing it now was useless. I was the one who had kicked away the chance that had come to me.
Still… even so. I had to apologize. While she was still by my side. Before she disappeared completely. I moved first, hurriedly chasing after her as she seemed about to vanish from my sight, and grabbed her hand.
“...Ah?”
“Jiyu, I have something to tell you…!”
And just as I was about to apologize—
Boom! Boom-boom-boom—!
Brilliant fireworks began painting the sky, and the massive roar startled me into silence. And in the next moment—
“Junho oppa, I like you.”
Her confession spilled out before I could even finish my apology. That confession became the trigger.
“H-huh… oppa, a-are you crying? You’re crying?”
Tears suddenly burst out of me uncontrollably.
I confessed, and the person who received the confession burst into tears.
“I’m sorry, Jiyu… I’m sorry, ugh… I’m so sorry…”
Junho kept crying and apologizing over and over. And Jiyu, seeing his tears and apologies, didn’t know what to do.
“I-I know you don’t like me, oppa…! I just… I still wanted to tell you… I guess I was only thinking about myself…! I’m sorry, oppa…!”
People around them glanced over, wondering what was going on, but neither of them cared.
“Ugh… sob… ah, ugh…”
Junho’s uncontrollable tears and loud sobbing looked so heartbreaking that Jiyu thought she might start crying too.
“Please don’t cry, don’t cry… I’ll call you Junho-ssi from now on. I won’t call you oppa or speak casually anymore… I’ll try not to like you anymore either… so please, just stop crying, okay?”
Jiyu bit her lip hard and continued. She had wanted to call him oppa and speak casually more than anything. But if it made him cry, if it hurt him, then she wouldn’t do it.
“Th-that’s not… it’s not that… ugh, s-sorry… I’m sorry, Jiyu…”
“It’s okay. It’s fine, Junho-ssi. It’s okay if you reject me. Everything’s okay. But you crying isn’t okay… please stop. When you cry like that, it feels like my heart is being torn apart…”
Jiyu’s own eyes were glistening with tears, as if she might burst into sobs at any moment. Seeing her like that, Junho barely managed to force out the words he had been too overwhelmed to say.
“Why… why do you say you like me? Why on earth… do you like me? I kept drawing lines with you, only thought about myself, and today I hurt you all day long.”
His voice, almost like a wail, carried the pain of someone who seemed even more wounded than she was.
“So how can you… how can you say you like someone like me? Don’t you hate me? Aren’t you disgusted by me?”
And at those words, Jiyu’s tears finally burst free as well.
“How… how could I possibly hate you, Junho-ssi? When I already like you this much… so much it hurts…”
She twisted her face, trying to hold back the tears that kept pouring out, and barely continued.
“I… I actually wanted to do all of it too. I wanted to wear matching headbands, hold hands on the roller coaster, and take pictures on the carousel…!”
But she couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“But… I don’t deserve that, do I? After the way I’ve treated you all this time, after everything I’ve done…!”
“Why… why do you think like that…”
Junho reached out and gently wiped away Jiyu’s tears as he kept speaking.
“I was so excited and happy all day today. I never thought I’d ever come to a place like this with someone. I already knew how you felt about me for a while now. But did you know?”
“Wh-what…?”
“I’m not someone who can make you happy, Jiyu. I’m an orphan. I don’t have parents, and I’ve never been loved by anyone, so I don’t know how to give proper love. I’m someone who doesn’t deserve to be loved.”
And then came his next words.
“My ex-girlfriend couldn’t love me either. She even told me I was disgusting. So I’m scared. I’m terrified that one day you’ll say the same thing. If that happens, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to stand up again. That’s why I’m such a coward…!”
Jiyu couldn’t hold back anymore. She reached out and pulled him into a tight embrace.
“Why would you be disgusting?! How could she say something like that?! Is she crazy?!”
She couldn’t stand it. How could someone who had been with such a wonderful person—someone she herself had never had—hurt him with words like that?
“She really must be crazy! Disgusting? You should’ve told her the woman saying that was the disgusting one! How could she do that? And! Why would I ever say something like that to you, Junho-ssi? How could I say something like that to someone as lovable as you?!”
Her anger toward his ex quickly turned toward him.
“And you! Don’t you dare say things like that! So what if you’re an orphan? So what if you’ve never been loved? You can receive love from now on and fill those empty spaces! What? You don’t deserve to be loved? Where in the world does that kind of nonsense exist?!”
She had cried because he cried, then got angry at his ex on his behalf, and now she was scolding him for blaming himself. Junho stared blankly at her before suddenly bursting into laughter.
“Pfft… ha, hahaha…!”
The unexpected laugh startled both Junho and Jiyu.
“Wh-why are you laughing…! Well, of course laughing is much better than crying, but still…!”
“Seriously… why on earth do you love someone as pathetic and cowardly as me, Jiyu?”
“Why? Because you deserve to be loved! Because you’re not pathetic at all! That’s why I love you!”
He had never once thought that way. Not while growing up, not while dating Yu Hyejeong. He had always believed he didn’t deserve love, so everything that happened to him was only natural.
But the person in front of him was different.
‘I deserve to be loved.’
The wall of fear surrounding him began to crack, slowly breaking apart.
‘Is it okay to be brave now…? Can I try being brave one more time?’
The fireworks continued to bloom beautifully in the sky, and the breeze blowing past felt refreshingly pleasant. The tears had stopped. He decided to stop saying he was sorry.
“Jiyu, you asked me about my ideal type earlier, right?”
“Ah… y-yes. But that was, um…”
“My ideal type is someone who will stand by my side no matter what. And it turns out… you were that person. I was so caught up in my past that I couldn’t see it even though you were right beside me.”
Junho gave her his signature soft smile. It was only natural that Jiyu’s face turned bright red as she looked at him.
“So… it might be a little late, but I’ll catch up to your feelings soon, Jiyu. I’ll work hard so I can.”
“Mhm, okay… wait. What? Huh?!”
Jiyu had been nodding along until she processed his words and let out a startled cry.
“So… even if I’m this slow and stupid at realizing things… if that’s okay with you… would you like to date me?”
He had never thought he could embrace someone again. He had thought he would never be able to love anyone again because he was too afraid of getting hurt. Yet the man who had believed that was now taking a step outside the completely shattered shell of his fear.
“R-really…? For real? Really, really, really?!”
“Yes. Really. For real.”
“N-no take-backs…! I absolutely won’t let you take it back…! Even if you suddenly say tomorrow that you were just caught up in the moment and you’re sorry, I won’t let you take it back, okay?!”
Junho smiled as he watched Jiyu shout at the top of her lungs.
“I thought you weren’t going to speak casually anymore?”
“Ah! S-sorry…!”
“Ah, seriously, why are you so cute? It’s fine. You can call me oppa. You can speak casually. All of it is fine.”
He gently patted her back as she hugged him and whispered into her ear.
“Do whatever you want, Jiyu.”
“....! Haaah…!”
Hearing the casual speech and her name all at once—the things she had wanted so badly—Jiyu staggered as if her heart might burst. Of course, since she was still in his arms, she didn’t fall.
“Sob… I’m… I’m so incredibly happy, oppa…! Is it really okay to be this happy?!”
“Just this much? How are you going to survive what’s coming?”
Junho smiled warmly as he looked at his tearful, happy lover, feeling his own heart grow warm. The heart that had been frozen solid just moments ago had finally begun to beat again because of her.
“Ah, that’s right. There’s one more thing I need to tell you.”
Junho, who had been lost in the soft atmosphere, suddenly came back to his senses. Confessing wasn’t the end of it. There was still one thing he absolutely had to tell Jiyu—and confirm with her.
At his suddenly serious expression, Jiyu swallowed hard.
“Wh-what is it…?”