Mistaking the Saintess for Chicken
Shit, what the hell did I just bite into?! I was definitely drinking beer with the guys and taking a bite of chicken. Wasn't it?! Not some stranger's shoulder!! I spat out the shoulder I was chomping on and stumbled back a few steps.
"Ah... it hurts!! Where the hell did you come from...!"
"Grraaah?!? (Where the hell is this?!)"
This wasn't the chicken joint. And I didn't recognize the sniffling woman either. My head was clear—no drunken haze—and everything felt vividly sharp. I glanced around, but it was a dim, cavernous space like a massive cave. Me. And this stranger. ...This wasn't a dream.
"I-It's okay! I can do this! I can do it!"
"Grrah?? (What are you doing??)"
Long black hair, snow-white skin. Big eyes framed by thick lashes, lips tinged with red. A beauty that could make any heart skip, draped in black-and-white fabric crossed over her... uh... was that a nun's habit?? Though it looked a bit different from what I knew.
"Filthy offspring of Kalide shall be torn asunder!"
She glared at me, her shoulder torn where her clothes were ripped, blood trickling down. Yeah, that was definitely where I'd bitten. ...She deserved it, honestly. But why was she waving her hands around like she was about to cast a spell?
"Grroooar... (Excuse me, where exactly...)"
"G-Goddess! By the name of the goddess, a m-miracle!!"
BOOM!!!!
She stammered it out word by word, trembling. The moment she finished, a massive roar echoed overhead, and something came crashing down.
"Grraaah!! (What the—shit!!)"
Giant, glowing needles. I flailed my arms in shock, but they pierced right through. They sank deep into my arms, head, shoulders, torso like sharpened blades.
"...Grrah?? (Huh??)"
But... that was it? The shining needles were embedded all over, but it didn't hurt at all. Just a vague oh, got stabbed sensation. So my gaze naturally turned back to her.
"N-No way!!! Immune to Holy Power?!?!"
Her voice rose, her pupils shaking wildly. Why was she more shocked than the guy who got skewered?
"Grrah? (Hey?)"
I stared at her blankly, spines jutting from my body, and growled.
"Grroooar... (Oh shit, my voice.)"
What the hell with my voice? That odd feeling I'd sensed earlier was bubbling up. My throat scraped like rusted metal—not even a beast's roar. My tongue felt thick and clumsy. Why was I going "grrah grrah"??
"P-Please just disappear!!!!"
Regardless of what I said, thick tears rolled from her big eyes. She kept mumbling please, please, please desperately, looking at me like some repulsive alien creature.
"I beg you! Please, just die!!"
"Grroooh. (What the...)"
...She was talking to me, right?? Did she think I should just bow and say gladly, I'll die for you?? I scratched the back of my neck at her words.
"Grroooar... (No, hey, calm down.)"
"This is the only thing I know how to do... hic... sob..."
"...."
Should I smack her or not...? Shameless or just lost it—I couldn't tell. But I wasn't about to grant that request anyway. I just stood there blankly, scratching my head.
Thud.
"Sob...hic...hic!!"
Finally, she collapsed to the ground and burst into tears. Like she'd hit her limit.
"Spare me!"
Then she prostrated herself flat, slamming her forehead to the dirt.
"Grglgl... (No, that's not...)"
Oh, for fuck's sake... What a mess from a chicken bite.
**
I opened my eyes to another world. I'd seen this trope plenty in stories. Usually, it was a truck crash or getting sucked into a game. Some even got isekai'd mid-sleep. But me? While eating?
...Wait, who was I even eating with?? I remembered chowing down with someone, but the details were gone.
"Sob...hic...sob..."
Memory or not, reality was reality. A woman bawling her eyes out in front of me, the magic I'd just tanked, and a dungeon straight out of a game. Did I even need an explanation?
What threw me even more was,
"Grroooar... (Hey, calm down...)"
why the hell was I a zombie?? The only sounds from my throat were pathetic "grrooar" and "grrah." What kind of bullshit possession was this?
...First things first, calm her down.
"Eeeek!!!!"
I reached out to soothe her endless sobbing, but she flinched and scrambled back on her butt.
"Grrrh... (Fuck, seriously...)"
Human crab, goddamn it. How much did she hate me to crab-walk like that? Every waddle made her look even more pathetic.
"S-Sorry!! I thought you were grabbing me!"
Understandable, sadly... I was a zombie. Flesh hung off my outstretched arm in ragged clumps, some spots flayed to expose twitching muscle fibers. I wore "clothes," if you could call filthy rags that.
"Grroooooh. (What the actual fuck... ha...)"
I scanned around, but no clues. Slapping my cheek like this is a dream wouldn't help, as before.
"Sob...hic...sob..."
So, info from her. Problem was her state—no talking, freaking out at every approach, just cowering and shivering in the corner.
"N-No!!"
"Grrah?"
"The brand...brand!!"
I was pondering just bailing when she suddenly clawed at her clothes.
"No... no no no no..."
"Grraaah?? (W-Why are you stripping???)"
Like possessed, she muttered and yanked off her top. Before I could stop her, layer after layer hit the ground.
"Oh."
Her slender neck, shoulders, and arms gleamed pale. And those hefty mounds, bound tight in white bandages. Massive, ripe pouches begging to be squeezed, restrained. My parched zombie jaw dropped slack.
"N-No... not this!!"
Ignoring me, she shook her head frantically at her wounded shoulder. Despair etched her face.
"Why?! Why a Subjugation Brand!!"
The bite wound crusted with blood. Over it, grotesque black veins spiderwebbed in a sun-like pattern. That spot—I'd chomped thinking it was chicken. But what was that black mark? A brand??
"Impossible!! Just a zombie!!"
"Grraaah. (Well, yeah... zombie for now.)"
"How could a lowly thing...!"
Contempt. Revulsion. Rage. Like she'd been tainted by vermin. It grated on me. Turned into a zombie against my will, nearly killed, now dissed. Sure, I'd bitten her bloody, but I thought it was chicken!! Drunk mistake... fuck, why was I sounding like some DUI asshole making excuses?!
"GRRROOOOAR!!!!!!!! (Hey, sorry for biting, but your attitude...!)"
Head spinning in chaos. Knowing better, I snapped anyway, voice rising. But this body—what the hell? Unlike before, a thunderous roar shook the space.
""......""
Silence after the boom. I felt the air ripple like waves—Lion's Roar worthy. She blanked out from the shock, eyes wide and trembling, pupils dilated vacant.
"Eeeeeek!! My fault! I'm sorry!!"
She snapped back quick. But slamming her head to the ground in apology... not great. Her tremors worsened. Voice unhinged. Full panic.
"Huu... (Haa...)"
A sigh escaped. I had no clue what was happening. Her flip-flopping was dizzying enough without my own mess.
Finally, after standing silently before her sniffles,
"Hic...hic... but this... this is really impossible..."
Regaining some sense, she whimpered.
"Grroooh. (What'd I do?)"
"This means... sob... total disqualification as saintess candidate... sob... no, execution... hic..."
What did she want from me? But she had no time for my woes. Snot-and-tear-choked voice spilling her plight. Uncomfortable prostrating, she sat up and wailed anew.
"Grroooar. (Uh... put some clothes on first? Yeah?)"
"Hic...sob!! Ruined! I'm done for! Hic..!"
Driving me nuts. No idea what she meant, but every sob made those bandaged orbs jiggle, muddling my head worse. Approach, and she'd shriek again. All I could do was avert my eyes and wait.
"Grroooh... (Wait...)"
Hold up. This looked bad to anyone walking in. Dim cave, half-naked woman bawling, zombie me in front. Even innocent (sure), it'd scream "evil zombie did wrong." If her buddies showed...
"Grrah. (Then... time to go.)"
Bolt. She was cute, tempting to stick around, but not worth dying horny. Already lightheaded—what more?
No. No no no.
I edged away carefully, leaving her—
"Where are you going!!!"
"Grraah??! (Huh?!?!)"
Stealthy retreat foiled—she grabbed my ankle.
"You can't just leave!!"
Suddenly plastered to my leg, yelling. From terror-despair tears to... anger? Eyes wet but sharp, glaring. Topless, clinging, bawling. Like clinging to a one-night deadbeat...
Wait, fuck, never happened??
"Grrroooh. (That bite was... uh...)"
"If you leave like this... sob... I'll die from the brand..."
Die what? Should've shaken her and run. But this sluggish body picked now to lag. She dangled like a sloth.
"Huu... (Haa... what do you want...)"
Sighed and grumbled, but only "grrah" or "huu" growls came out. Leg heavy, heart heavier.
...Fuck, what now?
—Lady Ludia! Where are you?!
"??!!"
"???!"
Mid-dilemma on ditching the baggage, distant footsteps. High, composed woman's voice. Clanking metal followed.
We jolted, locking eyes like scripted.
"Grroooh... (Hey, gotta bounce quick...)"
"Z-Zom... zombie sir??"
"Grrrrh. (What? Clothes on, go your way. I'll handle mine.)"
Whoever it was, not zombie-friendly obvious.
"Grrah! (Let go!)"
Pushed her cheek toward shadows, but
"W-Wait! Just a sec!"
She wouldn't budge. Clung tighter amid shoves.
Why this sudden?
"Help me, please? If you go, I die!"
"Grrrrh... (Help how? I'm a zombie? Let go and...)"
"Please... I messed up earlier. Okay? Please..."
"......"
Fuck... insane.