To Crush Your Desire is My Desire (1)
The journey to the capital, Valerium, was by no means short.
Over the course of several days, traveling from the capital of one kingdom to the capital of the other across a border that had now ceased to exist, the transport carriage could not reach its destination in a single day and had to pass through multiple stopovers.
And every single one of those stopovers was a battlefield where my handprints remained vivid.
"This is where Uncle..."
The place where we stayed on the first night of the escort was Kalsten, where I had pierced Grand Duke Chronos's heart and cast his corpse into the mud.
"This is where Brother Jupiter..."
The place where we stopped briefly the next day was the Lysin Plains, where I had captured Chronos's son, Jupiter, and beheaded him with my own hands.
The journey over the following days was no different.
"How many people of Europia did you kill here...?"
Along every path the carriage wheels rolled, battlefields stretched out—places where I had led a detachment and swept through.
The villages were burned down to their skeletons, and skeletal remains lay scattered along the roadsides without even a grave.
"Ugh... sob..."
"There's a child all alone over there... hic...!"
Through the cracks of the carriage window, the hollow eyes of the displaced Europian refugees flashed by.
Every time, Yuno, cradled in my arms, swallowed her tears.
It was a constant reminder that countless Europian husbands, sons, and fathers had been swept away by my spear on this very road.
It was a pilgrimage, retracing the milestones of destruction I had carved myself.
Sigh... This is exactly why I adamantly refused to accept any fiefs.
Whenever the carriage passed through the territories I had devastated, the resentful glares of the refugees pierced the carriage.
Beyond mere sorrow, their eyes burned with murderous intent.
If the Valerian guards hadn't been keeping such a strict watch, I would have been stoned to death by those refugees or assassinated in the dead of night long ago.
The weight of the karma I had to bear as a traitor was quite heavy.
"Halt for a moment and distribute rations to the refugees."
"G-General. But our military rations are also tributes to be presented to His Majesty..."
"Our true tribute is the news of victory anyway. Distribute them. Besides, Europian wheat wouldn't suit His Majesty's stomach."
Along the way, whenever I saw starving refugees, I handed out food.
"Are you pitying them... Lasen...?"
"That's rich coming from someone who's been grating on my nerves by crying in my arms."
Yuno sneered at me, but...
"Thank you..."
Her final words were always laced with a forced, squeezed-out dignity.
And finally.
The old border between Europia and Valerian before the war, now completely annexed into Valerian territory, rendering its meaning obsolete.
We arrived at Halo.
...This place.
The moment I saw the Halo Plains, a bitter smile spread across my lips.
This was the very place of fate where, on the first day of my transmigration, as soon as I realized I was in Lasen's body, I had shoved my head into the mud beneath Sabre's axe, shouting oaths of loyalty and surrendering.
The place where the Holy Spear of Europia was broken, and the worst traitor in history was born.
The choice that was the best decision of my life.
Yet, a turning point that should have been the ultimate disgrace for Lasen.
I've ended up back here.
Except for the first night in Kalsten, Yuno and I had spent the entire journey in a swaying carriage or in cold, temporary camp barracks, unable to get any proper rest.
Fortunately, at the old border of Halo, we were to stay at the residence of Baron Erap, who had been temporarily assigned to manage the Halo region.
Of course, even Baron Erap was only temporarily in charge of this harsh frontier.
The manor was incredibly shabby, lacking any proper furniture or decorations.
However, the mere fact that there was a roof to block the wind and rain, and a bed to sleep on, made it a far better environment than the stopovers of the past few days.
"Withdraw. I need neither food nor guards. Let no one open this door until dawn."
I gave a strict order to the escort soldiers as I entered the room Baron Erap had provided.
The door closed, leaving only Yuno and me in the room.
Sitting on the edge of the bed, I let out a sigh.
Cradled in my arms was still Yuno, the queen of the defeated nation, dressed in her black mourning attire.
For the past few days, dressed in plain clothes after stripping off all my armor, I had to keep Yuno tightly embraced in my arms twenty-four hours a day.
I had no idea when she might have another fit like a wild beast and mutilate her own body.
Her left arm, which had broken inside the carriage, was secured with a splint made from torn fabric and tree branches, but it was in a precarious state where even a minor shock could displace the bone.
That was why I never let go of Yuno for a single moment—whether I was eating, the carriage was jolting, or I was catching a light nap in a cramped barracks.
But now, the Yuno in my arms was different from when she had first tried to self-harm, thrashing in a mad frenzy inside the carriage.
Her eyes stared blankly into the empty air.
It was as if all her obsession and rage had burned away, leaving only a shell of resignation.
Exhausted by my persistent restraint that had forcibly bound her for days, Yuno had completely given up resisting, merely leaning against my chest like a doll.
The room was silent.
Only the faint footsteps of the soldiers patrolling the manor grounds could be heard outside the window, and the air inside the room was heavily depressed.
"...Traitor Lasen."
Leaning her head against my chest, Yuno muttered in a cracked voice.
"Why do you not violate me? Why do you not... defile me?"
The misery of still being unable to ruin herself clung to her words.
"To save my sister's life, I begged you so desperately to ruin my body. Yet, you only keep me locked in your embrace, not even touching a single thread of my clothes."
Yuno slowly raised her head to look up at me.
A strange resentment flickered within her hollow eyes.
"Do you intend to leave me with shame and humiliation to the very end? To let me be dragged away as a concubine to the next emperor, scraping the bottom of my existence just to survive... Do you plan to watch and enjoy that cruel future?"
She still hasn't given up.
If I violated her, who knows what kind of punishment I, a surrendered general, would face?
And besides...
How can I trust the words of a woman who isn't in her right mind in the first place?
Right now, Yuno was in a state where it was hard to maintain sanity.
She had killed her own father with her own hands and would go down in history as the monarch of a fallen nation who surrendered as Europia's last ruler.
On top of that, she had an obsessive urge to protect Ceres, her only remaining blood relative.
I'm just trying to avoid making choices we'll both regret.
To think she would misinterpret the best protection I could offer as a calculated insult meant to drive her to ruin.
I was utterly dumbfounded by her absurd logic.
I had stayed awake for days and nights, holding her to keep her alive and safe from harm, and this was the response I got.
"Queen Yuno."
I frowned and replied coldly.
"Aren't you the one who is intentionally self-harming in my carriage just to frame me for failing to escort you properly?"
"W-what...?"
"Think about it. I am the person responsible for escorting you under General Sabre's orders. If you show up half-broken before we even reach the capital, how will the Valerian royal family look at me? Won't they immediately try to take my head, calling me an incompetent fool who can't even handle a simple escort?"
"..."
Yuno bit her lip.
"Biting your lip won't kill you."
Brush.
Refusing to allow even that minor act of self-harm, I brushed my thumb over Yuno's lips.
"I don't want to be unjustly beheaded. So please, drop this stubbornness about living or dying, defiling or not, and go quietly to the capital. For the sake of my peaceful retirement, you must arrive without a single scratch."
Yuno stared blankly for a moment, then let out a small, incredulous gasp.
To think that the reason I was holding her was not out of some political malice or insidious insult, but solely for my own safety and a peaceful retirement.
It seemed she felt a little embarrassed by her own complex, obsessive thoughts.
After a long silence, Yuno parted her bloodless lips and spoke in a tiny voice.
"...I need to go."
"...Pardon?"
"I said... I need to urinate. It's not the first time... Shouldn't you be able to tell by now...?"
I stood up, supporting Yuno with an indifferent face.
"I don't know why you've gotten so used to this either."
Having spent the last few days stuck together like a single body twenty-four hours a day, handling Yuno's primal physiological needs had already become an extremely familiar routine for me.
Baron Erap's residence was shabby, but it did have a bathroom attached to the inner room, complete with a wooden tub and a chamber pot.
I helped Yuno into the bathroom and positioned the chamber pot so it would be easy for her to lift her skirt and relieve herself.
Because of her broken left arm, she couldn't even adjust her clothes on her own, making my assistance essential.
However, even though I turned my back to her...
"..."
Yuno hesitated, unable to relieve herself easily.
Only the sound of her breathing and the rustling of her skirt lingered in the bathroom.
Unable to bear it any longer, I spoke indifferently while staring at the wall.
"On the way to Halo, you peed just fine in the bushes whenever we stopped, and I even watched the whole thing right next to you in case you tried to run. Now that we're finally inside a place with walls and a roof, why are you hesitating?"
Yuno's shoulders flinched and trembled.
The memory of the past few days, having to crouch on the roadside to relieve herself.
At my words, which dragged up that shame, Yuno finally broke down.
"...I am alive."
"This wretched life, maintained only by breathing, drinking water, and discharging waste when the time comes... The realization that this sensation of being alive could be so horrible and disgusting... I felt it all over again upon entering this room with a door."
Yuno's trembling voice echoed in the bathroom.
"When I pissed on the ground in the bushes, I felt like a beast, so I didn't think about anything. But the moment I saw this chamber pot... I recognized that I am human... and I realized that I am struggling to live."
Perhaps it was due to the damp air of the bathroom, but Yuno began to tear up.
"Having cut down my own father with my own hands, becoming no different from the traitor who sold out the country, and even clinging to your chest just to prolong my life by another day... I find myself utterly hideous."
Thick tears fell to the floor, drip, drip.
"I thought... I thought it would be better to just shove my face into that filthy pot and drown... than to feel this humiliating sensation."
With even her obsessive self-harm blocked, Yuno was pushed so far to the edge that she wanted to use even her physiological shame as a justification for death.
"But..."
Yuno slowly turned her head toward me.
Her tear-soaked eyes reflected my image.
"You... Lasen, the traitor of Europia... I felt that even if I shoved my face into that pot and was dying, you would reach out and drag me back out."
"..."
"You will never let me die. I became certain that you would keep me, filthy as I am, stubbornly alive and breathing in this world to the very end... That is why, that is why I am so terrified of you, Lasen."
Trickle.
Trickle, splash.
Coinciding with the end of Yuno's confession, her bladder, which had finally reached its limit, released.
In the quiet bathroom, the raw, primal sound of Yuno urinating echoed clearly.
Any semblance of a queen's nobility had long since been shattered.
"I want... to die..."
Overwhelmed by shame and despair, Yuno clutched her skirt and began to sob.
And through those sobs, desperate questions directed at me poured out.
"Lasen... answer me. Why on earth do you want to live so badly?"
"..."
"Why do you refuse a fief and reject power, despite having achieved the greatest merit? Why do you not seek any honor? For what purpose did you trample even our homeland just to survive?"
I had no regrets about my treason.
Even when I beheaded Jupiter.
I only regretted how I should have killed him; I had no regrets about the fact that I killed him.
Even so, Yuno was currently far too miserable and pitiful.
"What do you live for... that you hold a woman in your arms and yet never violate her? You do not humiliate me, nor do you beat me. Aside from the sin of betraying our homeland, Europia, and leading it to ruin... why do you commit no personal evil against me?"
Yuno's resentment was gradually morphing into a paradoxical sorrow.
Trickle.
Trickle, splash.
The proof of her being alive flowed endlessly.