The Way Home
On the way home.
"Hey, next time let's clear the stage after that. I'll look up a guide tonight. Turns out even that boss is just about memorizing the patterns."
"Sure. But don't stay up too late. Get some sleep."
"You sound like my mom. Okay, okay. Han-gyul, you head home safe too! You were actually really good at the end there!"
"Yeah! Bye, So-yeon! See you tomorrow!"
Park So-yeon waved and headed off, saying she was catching a bus on the main road. Only after her figure disappeared, running toward the stop, did the alley fall quiet.
That left just me and her. Since we were next-door neighbors, the walk home was always the two of us, same as always.
After a whole day of noise, the sudden silence made the night road feel especially still. Only the sound of our footsteps rang clear through the alley.
She was nothing like the chatterbox she'd been at the PC bang. She walked without a word, eyes fixed ahead, her profile somehow downcast.
Maybe she was just tired from playing all day.
I'd walked this night road side by side with her for nearly twenty years. Coming back from school, coming out of the hospital—it had always been the two of us like this. And yet today, those matching steps felt strangely unfamiliar.
After a long stretch of silence, she was the one who spoke first.
"Ji-an. That comic I was reading earlier."
"Yeah. I saw."
"I turned it off right before the best part. If it'd gone to the next episode from there, it would've gotten really good."
"Why'd you turn it off, then? You could've finished it before we left."
"…Just. I suddenly didn't feel like watching anymore."
She fidgeted with her bag strap.
"Do you game with So-yeon a lot?"
"Yeah. We've been playing a bit here and there lately."
"Since when? I had no idea."
"Not even a few days. We'd do a round or two on our phones during breaks, and today was the first time we tried it on a big screen."
"…I see. So I was the only one who didn't know."
She walked with her eyes on her toes. Her stride had grown narrower than before.
"I'm not good at games."
"It was your first time today. When I started, I kept veering sideways every time I tried to go forward."
"But So-yeon's good. You two were totally in sync, too. Barely even talking, and you still matched up perfectly."
Her voice had gone sulky. I slowed my pace until I was walking level with her again.
"That's because So-yeon's been at it a long time. A few more rounds and you'll be able to do that much too."
"A few more rounds and I could beat that boss?"
"Probably?"
"…Then next time, let's beat it together. With me. Not So-yeon."
She kicked a pebble with the tip of her shoe. It skittered a ways down the path, hit the wall, and stopped.
"What were you talking about with Seol-ah for so long this morning?"
"We talked about a book I read yesterday."
"What book?"
"There's one I checked out from the library. I finished it yesterday, so I told her a bit about it."
"…I don't know that book."
"You don't really read, though."
"Even if I don't read, I can still know what it's about. You could just tell me, too."
We walked a while longer before she suddenly said,
"You've changed a little lately."
"…Me?"
"Yeah. How do I put it. You're different from before. I don't really know what's different, but you are."
"What's different about me?"
"That's what I mean. You didn't used to be like this."
"…Is that so."
"See? There you go again, brushing it off. You didn't used to do that."
She puffed out her cheeks and strode ahead of me. I followed a few steps behind, watching her back.
Then, apparently bored of walking alone, she slowed again and fell in beside me.
Before the alley, there was the convenience store we always passed. Ever since we were little, whenever she said she wanted ice cream or jelly, I'd stop in front of it without a word of complaint.
Today, too, as we walked past, she snuck a glance inside. Normally she would've pointed and said, Ji-an, that one—but today she only moved her lips and let it go.
I pushed the door open and went in.
"What do you want?"
"…Can I really have something?"
"Pick one. Just one, though."
"Okay!"
Her eyes lit up as she crouched in front of the freezer. She stared into it for a long time, picking things up and putting them back, before finally choosing the same thing she always got.
The second we stepped outside after paying, she tore open the wrapper. She took a bite, and her toes bounced lightly against the ground.
"Good?"
"Yeah. Everything tastes good today. The ramen was good, the fried rice was good, and this is good too."
In the dark alley she caught her foot on a loose stone and stumbled. My hand shot out before I could think. I almost caught her arm—then quietly drew it back. She steadied herself on her own and checked her ice cream first.
"You okay?"
"Yeah. Doesn't hurt at all. And I didn't drop this either. Look."
The brief brush of her fingertips had been cold.
"Why are your hands so freezing?"
"I dunno. Maybe from holding this."
The night air was pretty chilly, to be fair.
At the end of the alley, her front gate came into view. I always saw her inside before heading next door. Today my feet carried me there on their own, same as always.
In front of the gate she stopped and turned to look at me.
"Ji-an. Today was really fun. It was my first time going somewhere like that, and it was way more fun than I expected."
"Yeah. I had fun too."
"So-yeon said we should go again next time. By then I'll be way better than I am now."
"Okay."
"…But next time, can it just be us?"
"Just us?"
"Yeah. Only you and me. Like before."
"…Yeah. Let's do that."
Even after that, she lingered in front of the gate as if something still felt unfinished. She took hold of the doorknob and let it go a couple of times, glancing at me, and only when I told her to hurry inside did she finally wave and step through the door.
I waited until it closed before I moved on. Cross one wall and you were at my house.
When I opened the front door of my parents' house, the usual cool air brushed against me.
"Welcome home, young master. You're quite late tonight. Did something happen?"
"No. I was just hanging out with some friends."
"With friends, you say?"
The housekeeper left it at that and withdrew to her own room.
Once the door shut, I was alone in the entryway. During the day there had been people talking on either side of me. Here, there was no one.
I washed up and lay down in my room, and the sounds of the day still hummed in my ears. Park So-yeon shouting. Her dissolving into laughter.
Next time, just us.
Those words stayed with me a long time.
When I got home, Mom was there to greet me.
"There's my girl. What were you doing that kept you out so late?"
I launched into an excited stream of everything that had happened that day.
How I'd gone to the PC bang with Ji-an and So-yeon and played games until I was worn out.
Mom just smiled and said, Is that so. The moment she heard I'd been with Ji-an, she didn't seem worried at all.
I went into my room and lay down on the bed, and only then did the whole day settle over me, piece by piece.
It really had been a fun day.
Even the ramen I normally wasn't allowed to eat—today Ji-an told me to have some, so I ate as much as I wanted. I blew on it and took a bite, and I swear nothing in the world had ever tasted that good. Why had Ji-an never let me eat something this delicious before?
When he portioned some out for me and said it was fine for one meal—that moment had felt so good. Like Ji-an was looking after me and no one else.
On the way home he bought me ice cream, too. Lately he'd been saying it was bad for me and wouldn't get any, but today he told me to pick one. I wished every day could be like this.
And yet my mood kept sinking.
Watching Ji-an and So-yeon having so much fun gaming together made something in my chest prick and sting. When So-yeon grabbed his shoulder and shook him laughing. When the two of them synced up perfectly and jumped around after clearing that hard part. When they talked about things only they knew, leaving me out.
Just thinking about it made me want to kick the covers off.
Without meaning to, I kept calling for him. Ji-an, look at this. Ji-an, I cleared this one. But he'd just smile and go right back to the screen. Before, when I called him, he'd stop whatever he was doing and look at me first.
He barely even seemed to notice I was watching anime right next to him. Was it because I was bad at the game? Or because So-yeon had taken the seat beside him? I didn't know. I just kept getting more and more sulky.
So I'd said I was done, then asked him to teach me again. I'd wanted to learn from Ji-an, but this time So-yeon jumped in first, and I ended up learning from her instead. That bothered me too, somehow.
Still, when So-yeon pointed out where to press, one button at a time, I started getting the hang of it. My fingers kept tangling, but later on I managed to stay alive for a pretty long stretch. That was when Ji-an smiled and said I was getting better.
Even while I thought about that, I kept circling back to the same scene. So-yeon shaking Ji-an's shoulder and laughing. Ji-an laughing with her.
Maybe tomorrow I'd ask Ji-an to teach me again. When So-yeon wasn't around.
Lately it felt like Ji-an was drifting a little farther away.
Before, he'd come get me every morning, eat lunch with me, go everywhere with me. These days he didn't even come pick me up, and he was hanging out with So-yeon, and talking about who-knows-what with Seol-ah. It was the same on the night walk earlier. When I stumbled, the hand that used to catch me without a second thought—today he pulled it back.
What if Ji-an kept going like this and went somewhere really far away?
Just thinking it made my chest lurch. My fingertips went cold and tears pricked at my eyes. The ground under my feet felt like it was dropping away.
No. Ji-an isn't like that. Ji-an has always been right beside me. He's never once left me alone. He'll be the same from now on.
Yeah. Ji-an is different from Dad. He'll stay by my side.
I pulled the blanket over my head and decided to think that. Even so, that prickling feeling from earlier wouldn't go away. Ji-an's face when he laughed with So-yeon kept coming back. How much more at ease he'd looked than when he was with me.
With me he only ever nagged, or smiled quietly.
Why did he smile so wide in front of So-yeon and Seol-ah? Why not with me?
My stomach was full, but my heart kept feeling hollow. I hugged my pillow and tossed from side to side.
Earlier at the gate, too—I'd wanted to talk just a little longer, but Ji-an only told me to hurry inside.
Tomorrow I'd stick right next to him from the morning on. I wouldn't let him go anywhere.
I made that promise to myself and closed my eyes, but somehow sleep wouldn't come. Outside the window, I watched the light go out in the house next door.