Snip! I'll Raise You Very Well
Snip! "You said you'd raise me! You said you'd raise me!!!"
"Huhuhu. Of course I'll raise you very well. So stop running away."
-Snip snip
-Thud thud
Despite his words about raising me well, the man approaching me with scissors in hand. Though calling him a man felt off. He was a eunuch, after all.
"Don't come closer! I said don't come near me!!!"
How the hell did it come to this? When I got hit by that truck on the road? When I woke up in a kid's body in the murim world? When that seemingly kind person told me to follow him? When I learned he was an eunuch exiled from the Imperial Palace?
Anyway, the important thing was that I was fucked. No, I couldn't even say that! Because my dick was about to get snipped!!!
-Thud thud
"Huhuhu, to pick up a Heavenly Martial Physique on the roadside... This must be heaven's will."
"I said stay back!"
"Why do you hate it so much? It's a chance to learn the imperial family's secret art, Guihua Preservation."
"Fuck! That's not the problem!!!"
Guihua Preservation, a very famous heart method. Why so famous? Because you had to become a eunuch to learn it.
'Become a eunuch and master peerless martial arts!' If this were a game, I'd laugh and hit YES. But this was reality. And the process was fucking horrific! No modern surgery here—he was coming at me with some goddamn candy vendor's scissors!
-Whoosh
"Wh-what the hell is that?!"
The eunuch's movements were downright bizarre. Slow motions, but the results were like shrinking the earth technique or something. Like walking at normal speed but played back at triple speed.
"This is the power of Guihua Preservation. It accelerates all movements. Soon, it'll be your power too."
"I don't need that kind of power!!!"
"So prickly."
-Slither
-Grab
"Why value such a tiny thing so much..."
"It's not tiny! It's not! Let go already!"
The eunuch had somehow yanked off my pants and grabbed my dick. The moment he did, I couldn't muster any strength...
"Don't worry. I, Yeop Hu-hu, once led the Dongchang. I never make mistakes."
"No! No way! Let go! Get those scissors away!!!"
I thrashed like a madman, screaming at the top of my lungs. But despite my shrieks—
-Snip
***
A few years later.
"Urk..."
Fortunately(?), I'd only lost my balls. Of course, the ordeal was still ongoing.
"Dozing off during lessons? How bold."
Because I was still stuck with this mad eunuch, Yeop Hu-hu.
"Why the fuck do I have to learn this crap..."
If it were just martial arts, I'd grudgingly accept it a hundred, a thousand, a billion times. But this guy was teaching weird imperial etiquette, Confucian classics, even embroidery!
What the hell!
"Getting snipped doesn't make you a eunuch. You have to please His Majesty."
"Fuck! I don't wanna be a eunuch!"
"No. You must help me return to the Dongchang."
"Argh!"
This bullshit had gone on since day one. In short, he'd been unfairly kicked out of the Dongchang eunuch organization and had to return for the emperor or whatever.
What a load of crap.
A guy who lured a roadside kid and snipped his balls? Unfairly kicked out? Bet he pulled some shit in the palace. They were right to boot him. The continent's smart folks sure knew how to handle business.
"Now, repeat after me. The Master said."
"...Said."
"Good. Next—"
-Bark
"Woof woof! Woof woof woof! Grrr! You fucking bastard!!!"
Since losing my balls, my mental state had gotten unstable. I could feel it myself, so it must be pretty bad. But what could I do? Dropped into another world and balls gone on day one—who wouldn't lose it?
-Crash
"Die! You goddamn eunuch fuck!!!"
I channeled the Guihua Preservation inner energy he'd taught me and charged. Fast! Every motion accelerated. As expected of an imperial secret art.
But the main culprit for my unstable mind was this Guihua Preservation.
Because "You make people eunuchs just to learn this half-assed heart method!"
Guihua Preservation was literally half-assed. 12 stages max, but human bodies could only handle 6. Halfway—perfect name.
"Such insolence."
-Thud
My all-out frenzy? Yeop Hu-hu caught my fist effortlessly.
"Don't despair over only half. Guihua Preservation harmonizes yin and yang, pure and turbid in your body. Any future heart method will adapt smoothly."
"Then teach me that from the start! I'm a Heavenly Martial Physique!"
"Well... Ahem..."
"Arrrgh! You bastard!!!"
Bottom line: he did this to make me a eunuch. No wonder my sanity was shot.
-Struggle
This damn guy hadn't taught any combat arts besides Guihua Preservation. Probably scared I'd backstab him. So here I was, half-assed inner energy and brainwashed with etiquette.
"Calm down."
"How the fuck can I?!"
-Struggle
-Crash
"If you don't calm down, I'll snip your pillar too."
"...Gulp."
***
"The Master said, a man must..."
...
"His Majesty's favorite embroidery pattern is..."
...
"When drinking tea..."
...
"Arrrgh!"
After a full day of eunuch-tailored education, I tore at my hair in my room, screaming. I couldn't take it anymore. Being captive to this mad eunuch, his indoctrination lessons. At this rate, I'd truly go insane. Was that his goal? Turn me into a deranged puppet?
-Shake shake
"This won't do."
I refused to be this enemy's puppet. I needed a way out... But no combat arts or lightness skills to fight or flee. Just useless knowledge and Guihua Preservation.
"Guess this is it..."
Guihua Preservation at the brink of 6th stage. Push further, and the body breaks—that was true. Even Yeop Hu-hu, former Dongchang leader, was only at 6th.
"Still..."
No matter the odds, I had to try. Better than living like this—death was preferable. Worst case, I die and screw him over, since he needed me. Best case, I alone reach 7th stage. Then I could fight or escape that mad eunuch.
As Sun Tzu said, fight with what others lack but you possess—
-Scratch scratch
"Ow!!!"
Sudden Sun Tzu? That damn brainwashing had rooted in my brain!
-Thud
I collapsed, channeling my inner energy.
"Yin to yang, yang to yin..."
The Guihua Preservation incantation, memorized to death.
"Hng..."
Reciting it, I trickled qi from my dantian. Guihua Preservation accelerates; for 7th stage, accelerate the qi itself. Circulate the supercharged qi once, reach 7th. Simple in theory... But if easy, no one would fail.
Yeop said everyone who'd tried died horribly.
-Tilt
"How much acceleration...?"
No success stories, no tips. Trial and error.
"This much for starters..."
Too slow, no point. Too fast, body shatters. Eyes closed, I accelerated qi at what felt right.
-Thump
-Boom
"Urk."
Chest rumbling, something burst open. Blood vessels clearing?
-Thump
-Boom
"Kinda hurts..."
-Thump
-Boom
"Now it's itchy..."
Pain I could ignore, but itchiness? I cracked an eye at the spot.
Then—
-Drip drip
-Gush
"Hng?!"
Wriggling flesh and pouring blood. My left arm shredded to the bone.
"No way..."
Not cleared—exploded?
"Fuc—"
-Boom
"Argh!"
Focus slipped in panic; qi accelerated more. Now my back exploded. Focus slowed the blasts; lose it, and boom faster. True dilemma.
"..."
Couldn't even scream girly-style. One slip, and whole body explodes. Earlier I thought death was gain—now? Total loss! I'd be the biggest loser!
Should've just been a good eunuch...
Stray thoughts nonstop. Blood loss, maybe. Was this really the end? That moment—
-Creek
Door opened behind me. Yeop hearing the blasts?
"What foolish thing are you doing!"
That feminine, grating voice—yep, the eunuch.
Save me quick! I'd live well if he did!
-Stroke
Felt his hand urgently on my shoulder. His qi flowed into me.
"Urk..."
Way more than mine. Veteran eunuch perks? Shockingly, his qi stabilized my rampaging qi. Sheer volume let him suppress it.
Maybe he'd stabilize me like this?
-Shake
"You never listen. Punishment: off with the pillar."
What? Snip the pillar?
-Grit
Rage boiled; I clenched my teeth. All this because of him, and punishment?
Fine, let's go all the way.
Blood to the head, I accelerated all qi in my body—including his.
-Roooar
"Hng? What are you doing?!"
Accelerating his too ramped up the explosions. Plus, suction sped up—
-Sluuuurp
"St-stop...!"
Like osmosis, his qi drained into me nonstop.
-Boom
-Sluuuurp
"Die with me, you fuck..."
Kill the enemy, then die—insane even by my standards. Sane me never would. But head too hot, mind too frayed.
-Whiiiine
I pushed qi to the limit—
-Burst
Body exploded; consciousness faded.
***
"Ugh..."
-Twitch twitch
How long? I tested limbs before opening eyes.
Arms and legs seem attached.
Relief. Whatever happened, limbs felt fine. No sensation in one, and I'd be too scared to look.
-Flicker
I opened my eyes.
"Arms look good."
Checked arms first. Thinner than before?
"Legs..."
Looked down—
-Squish
"Ugh?!"
No legs! Something white blocking view.
"What the...?"
Reflexively reached—
-Squish squish
"Eek...!"
Weird feel startled me.
"This... boobs?"
Warm mochi feel. My chest, somehow.
"Hng..."
-Squish
-Squish squish
"Gotta check around..."
-Squish
-Squish squish
"Shouldn't do this..."
-Squish
-Squish squish