Even Now, Thinking Only of You (1)
Love—what exactly was it? It could come across as a rather philosophical question, but Aria thought of it quite simply. Caring for another, worrying about them, and wishing for their happiness. That, she believed, was love.
Of course, any emotion could be described that way, but love in particular was a primal feeling that defied easy definition. Because that feeling existed, one grew angry. Because it existed, one felt joy. Because it existed, one felt sorrow. It could not be put into words. Perhaps that was why people called this ambiguous emotion "love"—because it came in so many varieties, so many shades.
And so Aria felt lost. Because she was in love.
‘How did I end up unable to even speak up for myself?’
Ashtain’s words had their reasonable points, but there had been unreasonable ones as well. Still, she hadn’t been able to refute him. She couldn’t voice a single objection. In the past, she had found it unbearably frustrating to watch people who couldn’t say what needed to be said. How could a person live without voicing a single complaint? How could someone be such a coward that they couldn’t even call injustice by its name? She wasn’t Hong Gildong, after all.
But look at her now. Wasn’t this exactly her situation? A person’s personality, their very character, could be broken this thoroughly. Yet what could she do? She had already become this kind of person. She had already come to love him more than anyone else. What was she supposed to do about it?
Aria had never seen Ashtain this furious before. The realization weighed heavily on her. She had made him worry. She had inflicted a similar wound on someone who had already lost his sister. She had even heard that painful story from him directly. Knowing all that—how could she have followed Leon? Because she wanted to stand tall in front of him? Because she felt inferior compared to the hero she had once thought perfect? Her actions had only made her feel even smaller. No matter what she touched, it twisted into something negative. She was no Midas whose hands turned everything to gold.
Ashtain’s pained expression refused to leave her mind. She had thought she was used to every kind of suffering, that she had grown numb to it. She had believed she was fine. Yet it felt as though a red-hot iron rod was piercing deep into her chest, stirring and burning. It was hot, suffocating. She wondered if she might simply choke to death like this.
Aria’s mood rose and fell with Ashtain’s every word. Enduring the fierce emotions he had poured out was almost too much for her.
“Unni.”
A girl with hair the deep crimson of roses called out to her. Azazel.
“Yes, Azazel.”
“Ugh, stop making that gloomy face.”
She reached out and touched Aria’s drooping hair.
“I did something foolish.”
“Not this again? Thanks to your choice, that prince was able to protect his knight.”
“But I made Ain worry.”
Azazel’s delicate brows furrowed.
“Why is that such a big deal?”
To Aria, it was a very big deal. She looked at Azazel with a deflated expression.
“He must be disappointed in me.”
“Everyone lives while disappointing others.”
“I didn’t want him to hate me, of all people.”
“If you’re really sorry, just apologize. Say you’re sorry for acting on your own.”
“Would Ashtain accept it?”
Azazel pointed at Aria’s chest and answered.
“With those royal breasts of yours, he’d accept it whether he wanted to or not.”
“……They are not royal breasts.”
“That’s what you think. Don’t they hurt when you run? I wouldn’t know, since I don’t have any.”
“Seongbok holds them up, so they don’t hurt much……”
“So they do hurt if there’s nothing holding them? See, they really are royal breasts. Do your shoulders ache a lot too?”
Azazel leaned forward with the question. Aria flustered and stepped back.
“……That’s not what we were talking about.”
“I’m just matching the level of your idiotic conversation with more idiotic talk. What’s the problem?”
Azazel stuck out her tongue and folded her arms behind her head.
“Huh?”
“Just say it straight. ‘Ain, what you said was too harsh. Apologize to me, you idiot.’ Is that so hard?”
“But I was the one who was wrong……”
“Oh, for crying out loud! Why do you have to be the only one at fault? It takes two hands to clap!”
Azazel clapped her hands loudly for emphasis. Would it really be okay? What if she only ended up being hated more? What if Ain turned away from her? Aria felt she might die. No—she would die.
“Just how much did that damn bastard chip away at your pride to make you tremble like this?”
Since Azazel didn’t know what Aria had suffered at the cult’s hands, she could only assume Ashtain’s harsh words were the reason she had become so timid. So she cursed him—though she should have done it where Aria couldn’t hear.
Aria’s eyes flashed. She took a breath, then lunged at Azazel. Azazel, never expecting the usually meek Aria to counterattack, was easily pinned. Holding her down firmly, Aria smiled. It was a smile as cold and hard as frost in the polar regions. Sensing something ominous, Azazel looked up at her.
“U-Unni?”
“A little sister who only says mean things deserves to be tickled.”
“W-Wait a second? Eek, it tickles, it tickles—eek! It really tickles!”
Aria targeted every sensitive spot—under the arms, the nape of the neck, the sides—with relentless precision. Azazel twisted and gasped for breath beneath her hands.
“Euh-heuk, hah, hahaha!”
“Was it fun teasing me?”
“H-Honestly, it was fun—euh-heuk, stop, really!”
By the time Ashtain returned, Azazel was completely exhausted. She glared up at him with sharp, cat-like eyes.
“Heuk, heuk…… You got the room…… You idiot?”
Her heated breaths made her look strangely seductive. Ashtain pressed his lips together and lowered his head.
“……I don’t know what happened, but I’m sorry.”
Azazel wobbled to her feet and held out her hand.
“Hoo, hoo. I’m tired, so I’m going to sleep. Give me the key.”
“Here.”
Grabbing the key, Azazel glanced back. Aria wore a bright, clear smile—so bright it almost looked refreshing.
……I shouldn’t tease Unni too much. And I should avoid badmouthing Ashtain in front of her if I can help it.
With that thought, Azazel went into her room first. Ashtain looked at Aria with a blank face.
“What did you do to Azazel?”
“Just a bit of light stretching.”
“……Light?”
Azazel, a mage who had unusually good stamina thanks to Ashtain’s monster-hunting marches, was panting like that—could it really have been light stretching? He left the question as a question. Aria gazed at him and asked,
“Do I not get a key?”
“I booked the same room since we have things to talk about. If you don’t like it, I’ll get another room.”
Aria shook her head. There was no way she would dislike being with him.
“It’s fine. I like it.”
* * *
The room’s appearance wasn’t worth describing. All that caught her eye was the single, enormous bed. She sat on the edge with a more tense posture than usual. Even the soft cushioning couldn’t calm her. She knew why. Because he was right beside her.
Ain. Just looking at you made her heart flutter noisily, like a bustling marketplace. It wasn’t the usual sweet feeling. That was because she had done something wrong. A heavy, suffocating weight pressed down on her chest. Better to take the scolding first, she decided, and resolved to apologize. If her apology was sincere, perhaps his anger would ease a little.
“Aria.”
“Ain.”
They called each other’s names almost simultaneously. Was this what they called being of one mind? They both looked away, embarrassed. It was awkward. She swallowed dryly and looked at him.
“You speak first, Ain.”
His expression wasn’t gentle. She wondered if he was still angry. But that was her own misunderstanding.
“I’m sorry.”
It was an apology. She tilted her head, puzzled. She couldn’t understand why he was apologizing.
“……What?”
“I’m sorry for speaking so harshly.”
He had been thinking about what he’d said before. Just as she regretted helping Prince Leon.
“Ah, n-no. It wasn’t that harsh. I could understand what you meant, and I thought you only said it because I was that important to you……”
He was firm.
“I don’t want you to think that way.”
“Pardon?”
“I was wrong.”
“W-Wrong? I’m the one who……”
“I spoke carelessly to you, the person I cherish most. I put a flaw in your heart.”
The person I cherish most. At those words, all the resentment that had built up melted away like snow, replaced by a rush of happiness. How could negative feelings dissolve so easily? Even she found it absurd. He continued.
“Maybe it’s because I’ve lost someone once before. I didn’t want to lose anyone again. I didn’t want to let go with my own hands. I thought I’d learned how to protect what matters. I thought all I had to do was hold on tight and never let go. But…… yeah, like Azazel said, that’s selfish and narrow-minded thinking. You’re not an object.”
He clasped her hand tightly. Warmth radiated from his rough, solid palm. Ashtain’s black eyes gazed at her.
“I know I said terrible things to you. I won’t make excuses. So, Aria—do whatever you want until your anger fades. Hit me, kick me, curse at me. It’s fine.”
“H-How could I do that to you, Ain?”
“I want you to let out your anger instead of bottling it up and enduring it.”
Anger? Her anger had long since melted away. How could she stay angry when her heart was pounding like this? His fury meant he wanted her desperately. It meant she was someone he couldn’t do without. She was glad he was so possessive of her.
“……I’m already so happy.”
“I’m the one who owes you a huge apology.”
It was a gentle resonance. The gentle tone she loved so much. At the sound of it, tears suddenly welled up. It was all because of him that she cried so easily now. Because he had shaken her. Because he had turned her into a foolish, simple woman.
“You’re beautiful even when you cry, but I’d rather you didn’t.”
How embarrassing. Was he a Spanish man or something? She spoke while holding back her voice.
“Then let’s do this. Since I was wrong and you think you were wrong too, let’s pretend this never happened.”
“We can’t just erase something that already happened……”
She pressed her index finger to his lips. It was a rude gesture, but he would forgive her. Slowly, she continued in a captivating tone.
“If we can’t erase it, then let’s cover it with something happier. For example…… something lewd.”
It would have been perfect if she hadn’t stammered at the end. His eyes curved into a thin smile. Before she knew it, his hands were around her waist. They faced each other. Their lips met. It lasted a long time. Their tongues intertwined. A thread of saliva stretched between them. It was incredibly lewd. His hand gently caressed her chest—yearning, yet careful. Her gaze drifted downward. He seemed extremely aroused. She asked him,
“Should we stop kissing?”
Ashtain shook his head at her question.
“Five more seconds.”
Five seconds was no problem. She embraced him and kissed him.
“All right.”
His right hand cradled the back of her head. They pressed closer. His breath touched her nape.
“I like you. I love you.”
The sugary words whispered right by her ear. She wouldn’t be surprised if she melted.
“Me too…… I like you too. I love you too.”
She parroted his words like a parrot. Yet he smiled as if pleased. She smiled along with him. Her lower abdomen throbbed, as if telling her it was ready to accept him.
“Ain.”
“Five seconds aren’t up yet.”
He insisted on continuing the kiss. How mean, Ain. You’re a terrible liar. Five seconds had long since passed.