Quiet Down!! The Disaster Awakens

"Be quiet!! 'No demonic energy detected inside the body. Further investigation required.' 'Let it be for now. The big crow's heading back north soon anyway."

A hushed conversation unfolded inside the Imperial Capital's grand cathedral confessional. The Second Imperial Princess faced off with the Magic Special Forces.

"Water Falcon. Is it true?"

"Yes. I dropped my pants and inspected it meticulously at close range."

Selene let out a groan. If the big crow had truly found the holy sword, it had to be either a hero or a saintess.

"...No sword hanging? Then it's not the saintess?"

"Well... it was smooth as can be, not a hole in sight."

"An automaton after all."

"Depending on the night service module equipped, it can perform either gender's role."

Then what the hell is it? What did the Lord God judge the big crow to be?

Selene thought herself open-minded. Cisgender heterosex prostrate worm golem core... or whatever sexual orientations she didn't quite get.

"...So what should we call it then?"

"...Well, asexual or gender-neutral perhaps?"

"Hmm."

Selene hummed, then clapped her hands.

"It can be both genders, so how about futanari?"

"Futanari. Rolls off the tongue nicely."

The big crow is a futanari.

Rumors of the morning star spread whispers in the shadows of the moon.

Something's giving me the chills.

Feels like someone's spreading utterly depraved slander about me.

I looked around Argent Heavy Industries HQ. Floor, ceiling, walls—all plastered in sleek silver.

Two others waited in the VIP lounge. Freira sat calmly, while Alsanna kept sneaking glances.

"This is the... tin can homeland...!"

"Bishop Alsanna, that's rude. They might hear you."

"Eep!"

Guess since we're inside HQ, Freira's using polite speech.

The door opened after a short wait, revealing a tall man. Jet-black hair, gentle smile. Early thirties, maybe.

"Sorry to keep you waiting. Honored to meet you."

Siegfried von Argent.

Current head of Argent, the Empire's Magic Director-General. Direct descendant of Guenther von Argent, founding hero of the Empire.

Non-OM users called him "father-in-law." Forced by obsessive Elise stans.

I called him that too. Not because I was in the utterly depraved Elise cult or anything...

"Buying modules, eh? I'll throw in an extra as a gift."

The guy handed out items like candy. A beam of light for resource-poor newbies.

"Thank you, Director-General. May I request specific modules?"

"Of course. Make yourselves at home."

Freira hesitated, then spoke.

"Something that booms like thunder and drops sky dragons, please."

I told her to say that. Vague metaphors get Siegfried to customize personally.

I don't get it either, so shush.

"...Lady Grand Duchess. You understand modules' beauty. I see you in a new light."

"Uh. Yeah, sure."

"Problem is, that module's military-grade. This... automaton's core can't handle it."

"No issue there."

A small head poked from ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠behind Siegfried. Pouting Elise.

"That perverted tin can doesn't keep promises. It's got a Grade-2 military core."

"I see. ...Why not cool off a bit?"

"Not mad at all."

Lying on the workbench, Siegfried swapped my arms' built-in weapons in a flash. Real skill.

First, the left-arm weapon I requested.

Simple is best. Listen to that two-letter name. Can you hear the enraged masses' roar?

'Before the death spear, all ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠are equal.'

Deploying my left arm revealed its brutal form. Amplifiers studding the long barrel, magic bullet accelerator spinning slowly at the muzzle. Built for one shot to the dome.

"Oh, Lady Grand Duchess. Order the automaton to stow its weapon. Dangerous."

"Sorry. Hamel?"

Stowed it right away. Got excited after so long without upgrades.

Next, Siegfried's bonus right-arm module. Replacing the electric saw. Hope it's effective against armor.

System log popped the name.

Ah. Father-in-law.

Faaather-in-laaaaw!!

Wanna kiss him? Nah, probably not.

I grinned slyly; Freira smiled back.

"Like it? Wanna test?"

"I'll guide you to the range. But no left-arm deployment."

Yeah. One stray death spear would punch through the wall.

Entering the weapon range, caged beasts came into view. Modern folks might cry animal abuse, but...

"Opening now. Have at 'em."

Beasts got rights? I'm a tin can without human rights.

Dwarf-like monsters glared hungrily. Predictable goblins. They ignored me, pressing faces to the reinforced glass behind.

"Human. Female. Breed. Goblin."

"Pregnant. Breed. Pregnant."

"Breasts. Big. Good. Breasts."

Average goblins. Freira and Alsanna's faces stiffened beyond the glass. Elise blinked curiously.

I flicked my right arm; heavy metal clank as the flail deployed. Cult classic for its swing-line.

Did Siegfried prep a recording?

Father-in-law indeed. No holding back...

My flail cleaved heavy air.

"Female. Skin. White. Soft—"

"Quiet down!!"

CLANG!!

Goblin's head burst like a watermelon, flail settling on its neck vertebrae. Full power might pulverize the body.

Handfeel's exquisite.

"Hamel. Good job."

"Eek, ewww... so much blood...!"

"Fanatic. Scared? Eat some popcorn first."

Shivering goblins soon became mince. Siegfried grinned.

"Crush beasts with ease now, eh?"

Elise poked his waist.

"Siegfried. Can I go north with the Grand Duchess lady?"

"No."

Unexpected refusal froze Elise. Thought he'd agree easily.

"Why not? Explain per the five Ws."

"Palace summons. Special case for you."

Slooow.

Stoic face unchanged, but Elise visibly sulked. Wants to play with me?

Siegfried opened her neck panel to console.

"I'll swap your panel instead."

"Unnecessary."

"Links remotely to specific automatons' senses."

"Install now."

Voice chat without cables now? Convenient.

As we bid Siegfried farewell for the station, Elise blocked us.

"Grand Duchess lady. Jealous."

"Yeah. See you next time."

"Big-tits fanatic. Die."

"W-Why meee?!"

Elise said nothing to me. Glanced a few times, tapped her throat.

<...>

<Elise?>

<Coming through?>

<Yeah. ...S-Sorry.>

<Kekekeke. Looking forward to it.>

A twinge of guilt. Poor thing, why so pitiful? Console her?

I looked up; Elise smirked, lifting her lip corner.

<Fooled ya. Success. Senior's heart meter up.>

<What?>

<It's a thing. See you. Glory to automatons.>

Something I'm missing? I boarded the northbound train.

Took days to return north. Ulrich, hearing of the ball incident, wouldn't let go of Freira's hand.

I fixed it, so buy me a drink.

Alsanna visited as usual, arms full of capital bread.

Munch munch.

Cheeks puffed like a chipmunk eating.

"...Alsanna. Priests allowed that?"

"Of course n— no!"

Alsanna boldly grabbed a baguette mid-chew. Bloated a bit—priest robes tighter.

"Aww... too tight now."

All food goes to her chest? How much bigger?

I brewed coffee leisurely, admiring the Lord's grace.

Tick, tick. Paper spat from the parlor telegraph.

Sticky bastard. First Prince Adrian still salty.

Freira frowned. Didn't like hearing me trashed.

"Hamel. You had a Mirkelhauer module too?"

"Affirmative, miss."

"Where from?"

Distracted munching bishop answered.

"Oh, I g-gave it as a g-gift."

"From Alsanna?"

"Y-Yes. Alshanna g-gave it."

Leaky pronunciation cracked Freira up. Even third-personing like a church bishop.

"Copy me. Al-san-na."

"Mmmph... Alshanna-shanna!"

Good enough. I hit send. Whirring, telegram flew back.

"W-Wait! Voice recognition mode?!"

"Didn't know? Talk after eating. Pfft."

Reply from unknown sender soon after.

"M-My dignity and prestige!!"

Relax. Never had any.

My Aegis came from Alsanna's cathedral-seized vault. Bishop authority.

Pursue this, and war with thick-headed Holy Kingdom.

A relatively peaceful, quiet day passed. One nagging worry though.

'Elise for special case. End of Empire original... means they're stirring.'

Humanity's enemies.

Main bosses Disasters you must fell for the ending.

Was my fear right? Black specks mixed in falling snow outside. Freira murmured blankly.

"...Alsanna."

"Y-Yes? Butter tart for Freira too?"

"Alsanna!"

Thud.

Alsanna's bread dropped ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠to the table.

North never thaws. Eternal frozen white plains crowned by the wall. Like drawing a line: safe here, hell beyond.

So northerners stirred.

Day fierce snow slackened. Day thick snow revealed earth below. Day warmer, no breath fog.

Like today.

"...Freira."

"...I'll fetch Father."

Bishop peered out window; Grand Duchess lady rushed off. Overlapping murmurs from folk.

I gazed beyond the wall.

Ash mixed in blizzard. Burnt black remnants clung to pristine snow.

Human memories.