Earth's First Mage

I had become a mage.

As my mana surged, I felt my senses expand. It was not only the rapid heartbeat of Intuition anymore. Sight, hearing, smell—everything grew razor-sharp.

And then I felt it: an inexplicable pressure rolling off Prurprur, who stood right in front of me.

He grinned.

"Let us begin the formal bows of respect."

That damned formal bows of respect again. Fine. I'd do it.

"First: kye-su. Now then, what is kye-su, you ask……."

Prurprur's explanation dragged on like an elementary-school principal's endless TMI dump.

"……Therefore, you shall now bow with proper reverence."

Shut up! Please just stop! That was what I screamed inside, but outwardly I bowed with perfect humility.

"Second: don-su. Bring your forehead all the way to the ground and……."

"You have done well."

"Yes… Master…."

Beads of sweat slid down my cheeks.

How many hours has this been…?

The ultraviolet rays had cooked my neck thoroughly. As if he had fully expected to talk forever, the sundeck chair was neatly unfolded beneath a palm tree's shade.

Prurprur uncrossed his legs and spoke.

"From this day forth, you are my first disciple!"

A m-mage? And I was the first one? Me, the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠guy famous for having zero luck? Maybe the flower road was finally about to open up after all.

Messages bloomed across my vision one after another. Then, out of nowhere, the Earth-wide announcement appeared.

Don't tell me… everyone on the planet just found out?

With that thought I was about to open the community board and check the reactions when—

"Disciple."

"…Eh?"

"Ahem! Wipe that vacant look off your face!"

"Ah. Yes."

"Look upon this booklet. We shall begin the training required to become a true mage in earnest."

Training? Weren't mages supposed to just click a scroll and learn spells? Carrying that ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠doubt, I examined the booklet's contents.

What the hell. Did I misread that? Mad cow? I was trying to walk a flower road, not this crazy nonsense.

"Master. Something seems wrong with the contents."

While I was glancing through the grimoire, Prurprur was already brewing something.

"Aigoo! A bit too much dung went in. Nothing for it……."

What was he even doing right now? A coppery, foul smell seemed to rise.

"Ugh."

I forced the rising vomit back down and spoke.

"I… I can't drink this."

"Heh heh heh. Disciple. Your opinion is of no importance."

At that moment the quest I had just received flashed through my mind.

- Sample magic together with Prurprur.

Fuck. "Sample" my ass. It was dung-dipping. Yeah. When had luck ever been on my side in this life?

Prurprur finished the concoction and approached, holding out the bizarre liquid.

"Drink."

Every hair on my body stood on end; my senses screamed.

That is no ordinary liquid.

I could die from this. Just looking at it was already nightmare fuel.

"Hurry."

Under Prurprur's urging I had no choice but to accept it.

"Urgh… Master. The smell is far too vile."

"The bitter ones are good for the body."

Damn it. One look at his face told me reasoning was useless. I stared down at the liquid that looked like it had crawled straight out of hell.

Nooooo! What the hell was that last line? That meant I could actually die!

I had only become his disciple by going with the flow—could I still cancel this?

He grinned.

Looking at that infinitely warm smile of the old man, the situation was already past the point of no return.

Well… he wouldn't actually kill his own disciple, right?

I squeezed my eyes shut and downed the poison in one gulp.

Gulp.

"Hoo……."

It tasted awful. Nausea clawed at my throat, but it was still within the realm of endurance…….

Huh?

When I looked at Prurprur, his smile had only grown thicker.

"M… Master?"

What is this. This isn't my body. Dizziness crashed over me so hard that the saying "the world is spinning" felt like an understatement.

Thud.

Suddenly I was staring at the sky. A ringing filled my ears and heat flooded through me.

"KRAAAAAAGH!"

Was this what it felt like to be set on fire? An alien sensation writhed beneath my skin.

"Kh… khk."

Through my shaking vision a shadow fell over me. Prurprur. He seemed to be saying something.

"Slee—"

What?

"—p well."

And just like that, my memory cut out.

"Hah, hah! Haah… haah…!"

I felt like I had been dreaming. A dream where I drank poison mixed with cow dung.

"You have awakened."

"KYAAAAAAH!"

A dolphin-pitch scream tore out of me before I could stop it.

"Why so startled, boy? Now then, I find myself craving that… hatdak? Hotdak? That spicy thing you ate yesterday."

Yesterday?

"Master… how long was I out?"

"A full day and night. Are you trying to starve your master to death? Rise and bring me Hot Chicken Flavor Ramen."

Son of a bitch. My whole body was clammy with sweat. Had I really been lying there for twenty-four hours? Outside the window the sun had already set and darkness had fallen.

Has this old man just been sitting there the whole time?

He lounged on the sofa staring out the window, sunglasses still on even in the ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠middle of the night.

"Here you go. Enjoy… your meal."

I paid thirty precious points, boiled Hot Chicken Flavor Ramen, and handed it over.

"Master. What exactly did you do to me?"

"Slurp. What did I do… munch munch."

Ugh…. Hot Chicken sauce was ‍‍‌‌⁠​​⁠‌​​‍​​‍​‌​⁠‍‌‍⁠⁠‌⁠‌‍‌‍‌‌‌‍⁠​‌​‌​‌‍‌‌‌⁠‍​​‌‍⁠‌‌⁠⁠thickly smeared into his white beard.

"You have become the disciple of a mage who commands poison. Naturally you must first cultivate resistance to poison, must you not?"

"Poison? The kind that kills people?"

"Only people? With poison there is nothing in this world that cannot be killed! Only one exception—the fellow up above. Slurp."

"So… do I have to keep drinking the poisons you give me?"

I asked Prurprur, desperately hoping the answer was no.

"No. You need not drink them."

"Phew… then now we can finally learn magi—"

"You must drink other things. Stronger ones. Slurrrrp."

GODDAMMIIIIIT!

I screamed internally, then spoke.

"J-just gonna get some air for a second."

Nothing polite was going to come out of my mouth, so I gave a light bow and headed outside.

Splash, splash, splash.

Waves rolling onto the sandy beach. The salty seaside. I was still trapped on this island.

I sank down onto the sand.

Plop….

"Aigoo… why is there sand… fuck."

I refused to cry over the fact that I had to keep eating poison.

The situation seemed to tangle worse by the day, but it didn't matter. How many times had I already been dropped into shitty circumstances like this? Getting shipwrecked inside the Tower was something I hadn't predicted, sure.

But what choice did I have?

I still have to live.

I spent part of the 820 points I had gathered through quests so far and bought a hamburger and cola. Then I opened the Friends window I had received as a reward from You Are a Diver (3).

"Empty."

Even though the Friends window had zero friends, I closed it with the goal of someday meeting people. Next came the Auction I had just unlocked.

Quite a few items were already listed.

Goblins?

Familiar images of goblins floated up in my head—the low-level trash mobs of every fantasy world.

So it really is that kind of world.

I had known, but it still hit differently hearing confirmation.

"Ah, right! The Earth announcement!"

Only then did I remember and open the community to check the reactions.

Threads for making friends, people curious about me, all sorts of posts. I scrolled past a few of them, looking for information.

What kind of bullshit was this? I was the first mage. I could have dismissed it as some aggro impersonation post, but curiosity won and I clicked.

Already stage 10…. I had only slept one day and countless awakeners were already clearing quests. Them finishing first wouldn't hurt me, but a competitive itch still prickled.

So there were awakeners among government personnel too. But was that guy even telling the truth? I wanted to jump in and call him a liar right then, yet I didn't feel like putting myself out there.

Something about it just felt… off.

Apparently there had been a few more Earth announcements as well.

That mage impersonator still bugged me, but more first-class jobs would probably keep appearing.

"Disciple! Come inside! Let us begin!"

Damn it, I was just getting into the reading. Time had flown while I was browsing the community. The hamburger and cola in my hands had long since vanished.

"…Coming in."

Five days had passed since the hamburger-and-cola day.

The moment I stepped back inside that day, the old man—Hot Chicken sauce smeared all over him—had announced:

"This poison is mixed with the tongue of a rabid dog! Excellent for virility!"

Why would poison be good for virility? I couldn't understand it, but I drank it and blacked out anyway.

At least resistance must have built up; I opened my eyes the next afternoon.

And then I drank again.

Liver of a dementia-stricken cat. Moths raised solely on corpses. Even troll testicles.

There was nothing I hadn't eaten. A psychological wall hit me on day three, but it made no difference.

The volume of poison only increased.

I even screamed and threw a fit. Prurprur's reply:

"Do you know how I became the greatest mage?"

"I ate everything."

"I felt everything."

"That is how I was born."

"When I went to harvest the sweat from a sleeping dragon's nape……."

I would rather have fainted than listen to his bragging, but once my immunity rose my mind only grew clearer.

Eat, pass out, repeat—until after I drank the final liquid just moments ago….

"Huh? Master! I feel fine?"

Of course "fine" was relative. A hot, throbbing pain still raced through my body, but compared to before it was a mere three drops of blood.

"Finally!!!"

That long-lost rush of satisfaction.

"Here, take it! Continue to strive diligently!"

"Yes! Master!!!"

Honestly the old geezer was often annoying as hell, but after all the talking we had done I had grown a little fond of him.

I boiled two packs of Hot Chicken Flavor Ramen for Master and opened the intermediate grimoire. An SS-rank book that had jumped from S-rank, no less.

Flip-flip.

That pleasant resonance I hadn't felt in so long.

And then I started reading the text. Or rather, I tried to.

"Um, Master?"

"What is it?"

"How am I supposed to read this?"

"Very deliciously."

He grinned.

That charming smile of the old man somehow felt chilling. I-it was just my imagination… right?