Double Boss
I stared down at the Vampire Count sprawled on the floor, wondering what to do with her.
Chae Suhyun seemed to have finally snapped out of it, immediately screaming at me.
"Are—are you insane?! Throwing a bare-fisted punch at the boss?!"
"Hey, I just read the skill description, and it said I'm immune to dark-attribute attacks. Aren't all vampire attacks dark-attribute?"
"That's only for magic attacks! Physical attacks still hurt like hell!"
Ah.
Now that she mentioned it, that made sense.
If a vampire's claws shredded me, dark attribute or not, my flesh would still get torn to pieces.
But the milk was already spilled.
The Vampire Count was clutching her stomach, rolling around on the floor.
"You dare...! How dare you lay your filthy hands on my noble body...!"
"Noble body, my ass. It's just nice and plump."
Seizing the opportunity, I kicked the Vampire Count right in the ass. *Thwack!*
"Ahhn!"
Huh?
That sound was actually kind of hot.
The Vampire Count looked up at me, tears welling in her eyes.
"Y-you bastard...! What on earth is that unholy energy?!"
Unholy energy?
Ah.
She must be talking about the golden crest glowing on my balls.
Heh.
Behold. My proud, majestic balls.
"Does this look unholy to you? It's a fucking holy light."
"H-holy attribute...! And such an incredibly dense holy energy... emanating from your lower body?!"
"Heh. That's right. My cock is a holy cock."
I thrust my hips forward, stepping closer to the Vampire Count.
"I'm going to capture you alive and fuck you senseless."
"Hieeeek...!"
The Vampire Count scrambled backward.
It was a bizarre sight: a boss monster cowering and fleeing from a C-class hunter.
But I was dead serious.
That silver-haired beauty of a vampire was sprawled naked right in front of me. There was no way in hell I was letting this pass.
"Noonim! Chop off her arms and legs for me! I'm gonna use her as a fleshlight!"
"Are you out of your fucking mind, you lunatic?!"
Chae Suhyun cursed at the top of her lungs and lunged forward.
However, her target wasn't me.
Her daggers flew straight toward the Vampire Count's neck.
"No! My fleshlight!"
"Die, you monster!"
Chae Suhyun's daggers flashed.
Having had a wild, satisfying round right before entering the boss room, her stats were boosted by a whopping 200%.
Combined with her already swift scout speed, the Vampire Count couldn't even react.
*Slash!*
Her head was cleanly severed.
"Aaaah...!"
The Vampire Count's body crumbled into ash, collapsing onto the floor.
In that single instant, my grand plan to capture a vampire alive went up in smoke.
"Ah, fuck! Would it have killed you to leave her alive?!"
"Stop talking crazy! We're not at the entrance of the dungeon! You wanted to have sex in the boss room?!"
"But her body was so fucking hot! Noonim, you saw it too!"
"I don't get turned on by women's bodies! And we have to kill the monster for the gate to close!"
Chae Suhyun huffed, flicking the blood off her daggers.
Her chest heaved heavily.
Ah.
Seeing those massive, bouncing tits of hers made my anger melt away a bit.
"Sigh... What a waste. I was really curious if a vampire's pussy would be freezing cold or warm."
"Don't wonder about things like that. It's disgusting."
Chae Suhyun shuddered in disgust.
But I was dead serious.
Intercourse with monsters—would that trigger my skill too?
What if creampieing a monster granted a buff? Could I potentially tame monsters that way?
I definitely had to test this out the next time a humanoid monster appeared.
"But Noonim? The gate isn't closing."
"...You're right."
Something was off.
We killed the boss, but the gate wasn't closing?
If the gate remained open, it meant the raid wasn't fully cleared yet.
"Maybe we really had to eat that vampire pussy to clear it?"
"Will you please shut the fuck up?!"
Tsk.
I was just joking. She didn't have to be so harsh.
This time, I seriously scanned our surroundings.
The exit of the boss room was still tightly shut.
"What is this? Was she not the boss?"
"No way. She was definitely the Vampire Count. The drops even fell."
Chae Suhyun pointed to the items lying on the floor.
A red mana stone.
A bat-shaped cape.
And finally...
"What's this?"
Chae Suhyun picked up a glass bottle filled with a crimson liquid.
◈ Description: Pure blood harvested from a virgin vampire noble. Highly coveted by alchemists.
"..."
"..."
What kind of crazy item was this?
Virgin blood? The Vampire Count's virgin blood?
"W-why would something like this drop as an item...?"
Flustered, Chae Suhyun almost dropped the glass bottle.
I quickly snatched it out of the air.
"Ohh. This looks like it'll sell for a fortune."
"You lunatic, who would buy that?!"
"Why not? Alchemists go crazy for virgin blood. And a vampire's virgin blood at that? Even an impotent alchemist wouldn't be able to resist this."
"Ah... really?"
Chae Suhyun nodded slowly.
But money wasn't my primary goal.
What would happen if I drank this? Would I gain the power of a vampire? Or...
"Noonim, do you want to drink this?"
"Why would I drink that?! That's disgusting!"
"Come on, it's virgin blood. Since you were a virgin too, don't you feel a sense of kinship?"
"You absolute son of a bitch!!"
"Just kidding, just kidding. But seriously, why isn't the gate closing?"
Right then—*Rumble!*
The entire boss room began to shake violently.
"W-what is it?! An earthquake?!"
"No, look over there!"
Chae Suhyun pointed toward the back of the shattered coffin.
A hidden door concealed behind it was slowly sliding open.
"A secret room...?"
High-rank gates occasionally contained hidden rooms.
Rooms that opened only after defeating the boss and meeting specific conditions.
Inside, there would either be an incredible treasure... or the true boss.
"Fuck. Was the Vampire Count a fake boss?"
"...There was no information about this."
Chae Suhyun swallowed hard.
Tension hung heavy on her face.
But I was different.
My balls were still glowing with a brilliant golden light.
An S-class buff. Dark-attribute immunity. And a stat boost multiplier that had ballooned to 250%.
"Noonim."
"If you say one more useless thing, I will actually kill you."
"No, it's not that. How about we refill the buff right about now?"
"...?"
"It's been a little over thirty minutes since we entered the boss room, right? We barely managed to take down that weakling boss, so who knows how strong the one inside is going to be? If the buff runs out mid-fight, we're dead meat."
"...You have a point."
Chae Suhyun quietly pulled down her pants.
Oh, look at her being so submissive. Was she eager to taste the 250% buff again?
I approached her, my cock swinging freely.
"Instead of Pussy Destroyer, you should call yourself the Pussy Pulverizer..."
"I swear, I kept it simple and just ejaculated."
"Then why the hell did you keep spanking my ass, you crazy bastard?!"
"Well, it makes your pussy squeeze me so nice and tight. If I want to cum quickly, I need that tight grip."
"...Whew. Let's just move."
"You actually liked it, didn't you, Noonim?"
*Thwack!*
"Argh!"
"Don't push your luck."
"Ow, but did you really have to throw a low kick like that..."
F-fuck.
I couldn't even move my leg.
But Chae Suhyun ignored me completely and walked into the next room.
I had no choice but to hop after her on one foot.
I can't do shit on my own, damn it.
What a cruel bitch. And here I was, politely calling her Noonim every single time...
"Your eyes look disrespectful."
"Hehe, Noonim. Watch your step!"
"..."
Phew.
I almost got beaten up again.
Rubbing my hands together obsequiously, I followed closely behind Chae Suhyun.
Passing through a pitch-black corridor, we emerged into a massive hall.
And right in the center stood a colossal throne.
Seated upon it was a figure.
"...A vampire?"
"...Noonim. What rank is that guy?"
"At least a Count... no, Marquis-class."
"Oh, for fuck's sake."
Chae Suhyun's voice trembled.
One rank above a Count: a Vampire Marquis.
And he looked like an incredibly ancient, decrepit old grandpa vampire.
No matter how much of a monster he was, age and experience couldn't be ignored.
"Who is it... Who are the ones who killed my darling granddaughter...?"
The old vampire stood up, his crimson eyes flashing.
An overwhelming wave of bloodlust flooded the hall.
Chae Suhyun took a step back.
"No... A Marquis-class is at least an A-class gate boss. The two of us can't handle this."
"Come on, Noonim. Don't wimp out."
I stepped forward confidently.
"Hey, old man."
"...What are you, insect of a human?"
"Your granddaughter's body was absolutely killer. Did you pass down all the good genes to her?"
"Y-you dare...!!"
"You crazy bastard! Why are you provoking him again?!"
"Hey, Noonim. He's just a monster, yet he's acting all high and mighty. How could I not get pissed off?"
"I'm going to lose my fucking mind!"
The old vampire's face contorted with rage.
"How dare you insult my granddaughter! I will drain every single drop of your blood and drink it dry!!"
The old vampire fluttered his cape and took flight.
A swarm of hundreds of bats surrounded him, charging straight toward us.
"Dodge!"
Chae Suhyun screamed.
But I didn't budge. Why? Because I was immune to the dark attribute!
"Bring it on, you winged rats!!"
I spread my arms wide, welcoming the swarm of bats.
*Thud-thud-thud!*
The bats slammed into my body.
Hahaha! Against an attack of this level...
...
"Huh?"
F-fuck!
It hurt. It hurt like hell!
"Aaaaargh!! Fuck!! Why does it hurt?!"
"I told you physical attacks still hurt, you dumbass!!"
Chae Suhyun yelled in exasperation.
Ah.
Right.
A bat slamming its body into me was a physical attack.
"Save meeee!!"
I ran around the hall frantically, dragging the swarm of bats behind me.
"Ugh, you idiot...! Get over here!"
Chae Suhyun swung her daggers, slicing through the bats.
Boosted by the 250% buff, her movements were too fast for the naked eye to follow.
*Slash! Clang! Stab!*
The bats fell like paper shredded in a grinder.
"Whoa... Noonim, you're so fucking cool!"
"Shut up and hide behind me!"
Chae Suhyun shielded me behind her back, facing off against the old vampire.
"Ho... A rather nimble wench. But before me, you are powerless!"
The old vampire stretched out his hand.
A massive black sphere coalesced at his fingertips.
Dark Spear
A pure dark-attribute magic attack. If that hit us, not even our bones would remain.
"Watch out!"
Chae Suhyun tried to push me away.
But I didn't dodge. This was the real deal. That was a magic attack. Not a physical one!
"Noonim, get out of the way!"
I lunged in front of Chae Suhyun, shoving her aside.
Caught off guard by my sudden strength, she fell flat on her butt.
"Are you crazy?!"
"I told you, I'm immune to the dark attribute!"
I quickly thrust my crotch forward.
Then, I hoisted up my glowing golden balls.
"Go, Holy Balls!!"
"Kyaaaaah!! You lunatic!!"
Chae Suhyun screamed, covering her eyes.
She probably thought my balls were about to explode. The old vampire also froze in bewilderment.
"W-what are you doing?! Exposing your lower half in the middle of battle!"
"This is my shield, you crazy old bat geezer!!"
I thrust my balls forward.
The Dark Spear fired by the old vampire flew straight toward them.
*Boom!*
A massive explosion echoed through the hall. Black smoke billowed upward.
*Cough, cough...*
The smoke cleared.
I was standing completely unscathed. My balls were perfectly fine. In fact, the golden light was shining even more brilliantly.
"Hahaha! Did you see that?! The power of my Holy Balls!!"
"H-how can this be...! My Dark Spear... blocked by such an unholy body part...!"
The old vampire stumbled backward in shock.
Chae Suhyun peeked through her fingers, her jaw dropping.
"You... actually blocked it?"
"Of course! What did I tell you? I'm immune to the dark attribute!"
Thrilled to have blocked an A-class level attack, I proudly swiveled my hips.
"Alright, old man. Now it's my turn."
I turned back to Chae Suhyun.
"Noonim. I'll block all of his magic, so you just beat the physical shit out of him."
"...Got it. But please, put your pants on."
"I told you, this is my shield! How am I supposed to put away my shield?"
"Sigh... I'm really going crazy."
Chae Suhyun sighed, adjusting her grip on her daggers.
But her eyes were filled with confidence now. She had just witnessed my Holy Balls completely neutralize the enemy's magic.
"Here I go!"
Chae Suhyun kicked off the ground and lunged forward.
Panicking, the old vampire began spamming magic.
"Dark Arrow! Dark Bolt! Dark Wave!!"
A barrage of black magic rained down on us.
But I wasn't afraid.
"Holy Egg Shield!!"
I swiveled my hips left and right, deflecting the spells with my balls.
*Ping! Ping! Ping!*
The moment the dark magic touched my balls, it was purified and vanished. How's that for some dazzling hip action!
"T-this makes no sense...!!"
The old vampire's face gradually filled with despair.
Seizing the opening, Chae Suhyun slipped inside his guard.
"Die!!"
Chae Suhyun's dagger pierced the old vampire's heart. *Squelch!*
"Aaargh...!!"
The old vampire coughed up blood and collapsed.
His body slowly began to turn to ash.
"How... frustrating..."
"Frustrating, my ass. You old geezer."
"It's over..."
Chae Suhyun collapsed to the floor, panting heavily.
I untied my pants from my waist and pulled them back up, returning to a civilized state.
"Good work, Noonim."
"You... are a truly bizarre bastard."
Chae Suhyun laughed in disbelief.
"But thanks to you, we survived. Thank you."
"Aw, don't mention it. It's only natural for party members to help each other."
Chae Suhyun seemed completely drained of energy.
Left with no choice, I walked over to the old vampire's ashes to check the drops. A black mana stone. And...
◈ Description: The dentures worn by the ancient Vampire Marquis. Smells faintly of old blood and peppermint.
"..."
"..."
Motherfucker. Why are the drops in this gate so goddamn weird?
First virgin blood, and now dentures?
"What... am I supposed to use this for?"
"Who knows. Maybe some old lady collecting cardboard would like them."
I carelessly stuffed the dentures into my bag.
*Rumble!*
This time, the sound of the gate actually closing echoed.
The scenery of the boss room distorted, returning us to the banks of the Han River.
"Haa... It's finally over."
"Good work, Yoo Doobong. I'll transfer the remaining balance we agreed on right away."
"Thank you, Noonim. Feel free to call me whenever you need me next time."
"...I don't think I'll be calling you for a while. I feel like my life expectancy drops just being around you."
Chae Suhyun shook her head.
Yet, a faint smile played at the corner of her lips.
"Still... the buff is the real deal. I'll contact you when I go to a higher-rank gate later."
"Oh yeah! Secured a regular client!"
I pumped my fist.
Yoo Doobong, the C-class hunter. As of today, I was reborn as a buffer with an S-class skill.
Even if my official rank was still C-class, my future was bright.
I'd make money and have sex with beautiful hunter Noonims. Now this was what I called a creative economy.
"Well, I'll be off then. Time to go grab a bowl of hot soup."
"Sure. See ya, Pussy Pulverizer."
"Fuck! I don't pulverize pussies!"
"Pfft. I'm really leaving."
"Dammit..."
Walking back home after parting ways with Chae Suhyun.
Although the ending was a bit annoying, it was a pretty good experience.
Plus, I got to experience a skill awakening.
My balls were still radiating a gentle warmth inside my pants.
Holy Balls... so fucking cool.
I walked through the night streets with a silly grin on my face.
I should head to the Association soon to get re-evaluated.
Once I did, my days as a porter would be over.
I'd return to being a proper raid hunter. And have plenty of sex along the way.